Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: ENTp in need of advice/directions on how to repair trust in a relationship with INFj

  1. #1

    Default ENTp in need of advice/directions on how to repair trust in a relationship with INFj

    Okay so I'm an ILE and have been dating an EII for 3 years. Recently there's been some issues where she has been compulsively lying to me due to her doing things and hanging out with people she shouldn't be that get her into trouble. She's 18 so she's still young and immature in a lot of ways. I suspect she lies to avoid confrontation and criticism. She admits she has a problem with lying when she's in a good mood, she will not however admit lies at first when I confront her unless I have absolute evidence or bluff about evidence correctly. I am quite good at gathering information from her and ruling out what I think is true or not, but honestly it's driving me nuts. I feel like I have to fact check everything she does, and it's turned me into this controlling boyfriend that I never was before the lies started. She tells me I annoy her and treat her like a possessive probation officer even lol. But our relationship is great except for the fact that she lies. She lies because she hangs out with people who party too often and she'll give in and make stupid mistakes.

    How should I approach this better? Currently she says I am annoying her with my fact checking and not believing her. How should I deal with this? I suck at emotions and the fact that she's my supervisee makes it extra difficult to gain the other hand, because when I criticize her lying habits, she can easily discredit me with my pathetic Fi abilities.

    I don't know what to do about this, we have a 2 year old daughter together and CPS took custody away and gave it to her mother because of her recklessness, so I can't just drop the relationship. I love this girl, and we're great. I want to move past this, regain trust, and motivate her to better and not push her away because that's exactly what I'm doing being controlling. But my mind races and it drives me crazy when I know she's lying and doing things she's not supposed to. I wish I wasn't so smart and were oblivious, that or just not caring about her at all. Because this is causing way too much anxiety for me. It's like every day there's another lie :/ how do I motivate her to do better? I just can't seem to say the right things.

  2. #2
    when you see the booty Galen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    everywhere at once
    Posts
    8,449
    Mentioned
    203 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    The scope of this issue seems far beyond the advice of strangers on the internet. It sounds like you would both benefit from couples therapy from someone who's actually qualified to help.
    "And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." -Roald Dahl

    http://forum.socionix.com/
    It's pretty cool

  3. #3

    Default

    Yeah except neither of us have the money to pay for anything like that... I really wish though.

  4. #4
    when you see the booty Galen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    everywhere at once
    Posts
    8,449
    Mentioned
    203 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by BrennanWayne View Post
    Yeah except neither of us have the money to pay for anything like that... I really wish though.
    If resolving the relationship matters to you then you'll find the money somehow.

    What do you think she's been lying about?
    "And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." -Roald Dahl

    http://forum.socionix.com/
    It's pretty cool

  5. #5
    OSG's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    TIM
    ILI-INTp E5
    Posts
    43
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I am not a relationships expert, but I will tell you what I think can help from what I have read about relationships. (Note: what I am going to say has nothing to do with socionics intertype relations).

    From what I read people tend not to change for others unless they feel really accepted and unconditionally loved by them, meaning if you withhold your love so that next time she won't lie most probably she would lie again.
    so the best approach will be to still love her unconditionally even if she lies again, after sometime she will start to stop lying since she already knows that you don't want her to lie and at the same time she don't want to lose your unconditional love.
    I think the best way to show your love is by knowing her love language (Read "5 love languages" by Gary Chapman) and love her by her language.

    Just for your information this may take sometime so you have to be patient with her.
    I hope you can solve your issues and enjoy a happy loving relation.

  6. #6
    Breaking stereotypes Suz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    On a chatbox diet
    TIM
    IDK
    Posts
    6,470
    Mentioned
    169 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    idk if this is the case for her or not (i can only assume based on your euphemism of "partying too much"), but my opinion is that generally when drug use enters the picture, behavior is no longer a type related phenomenon. Her behavior is actually kind of a red flag to me of drug-addiction and if that is the path she has chosen for herself, you may not be able to do much about it unless (like others have said) she chooses a different lifestyle of her own accord. This is a good rule of thumb fairly universally actually, that people wont change unless they want to change, so trying to actively change someone who isn't willing to change is a waste of time and effort. I can understand wanting to try to change someone who you really care about in some way, but if they are not budging, they really arent going to, so it may be worth considering cutting your losses and finding someone more like you to spend time with. The child seems to be all set, taken care of by a family member, and you obvs retain rights to be a part of the childs life, and I think you deserve to be in a better situation as well.
    Enneagram: 9w1 6w5 2w3 so/sx

  7. #7
    OSG's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    TIM
    ILI-INTp E5
    Posts
    43
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I noticed that even though everyone agree that she needs to want to change, they suggest to convince her to change which I don't think would help.

    I think it is better to go with habit 5 of the "7 habits" (seek first to understand, then to be understood) to listen to her empathically is one way to show your love.
    Try to listen to her and understand why did she do what she did without trying to judge her or telling her that she is wrong, simply try to understand.
    she may not open up quickly and that is OK, she may need to feel safe with you first, so give her time.

    I would prefer to make the break up as the last option.

  8. #8
    Haikus
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    MI
    TIM
    IEI-Ni
    Posts
    10,060
    Mentioned
    223 Post(s)
    Tagged
    2 Thread(s)

    Default

    18 is still so young. Most 18 year olds just wanna explore and have fun , I don't even think your brain is finished developing yet really... I mean that's still a teenager.

    Sounds like you are just so much more serious minded than her. You know that music video "Girls just wanna have fun" there's a lot of truth to it. Guys who are too serious tend to bore women, unless they have some inner conflicting broody soul bullshit that straight females stereotypically end up enjoying (oh quiet you know it's true).

    I would let her go and let her mature on her own, while you yourself focus more on yourself. Also it sounds like you are the most caring person here, if she isn't asking other people about YOU on another message board- I think it's silly to invent so much time on her. Don't think about her often. Usually the guy is like so much more into the woman than the woman is into the guy, and the girl is just living her life. And 99.9999999% of females are all into that one guy who is playing them all so well. I think the best advice you have is to let her go a lot and just focus on yourself. Be happy without her, and since women are attracted to self-confidence she will see that and probably start liking you and giving you the time of day like she used to.

    This is a very common issue in str8 relationships. Often times the man wants to sit down and talk, be romantic/sexual- develop the relationship, and the girl just wants to explore life. A woman will tend to only want a guy if he's out in the real world doing things and not obsessing over them, they usually want to be the ones that think about the relationship but they are also so naturally picky/choosy about what man to invest that in. If you just live a full life yourself, I think she will fall into your hands like putty if she really likes you.

    Okay that's it for your therapy session. That will be $95 please, you can pay my receptionist up front.

  9. #9
    Word Definition Warrior – WDW Troll Nr 007's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Location
    dispersed into the cosmos
    TIM
    H-ILE-Ne 7w6-2w1-1w9
    Posts
    1,946
    Mentioned
    65 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    EII? Are you sure? I'm a bit amazed with these kinds of problems with that kind of type. Yes, every type is capable of etc..
    How is EII supervising you?

  10. #10
    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    EII land
    TIM
    EII INFj
    Posts
    22,740
    Mentioned
    531 Post(s)
    Tagged
    6 Thread(s)

    Default

    EII lie to get rid of people to cloud other person's perception of them so that the EII isn't as persuable or attractive. It's a passive aggressive method of saying eff off. Idk about lying in any other instance or scenario. ::/

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •