Something clicked for me recently (no for me tonight.) and it’s really exciting for me, so I thought I'd write it out here, partially to help process it. I remember when I was really little and first learning about that Thomas Alva Edison guy - I just thought he was really interesting in how he would run on very little sleep. I’ve had problems sleeping my whole life (I’ve actually wondered if this could somehow have stunted my growth in some way. If someone knows about this, please let me know. It’d be really nice to look into it, because I’ve always sort of had this nagging feeling like it’s caused me some problems…), and just never really cared for it, but I realized tonight that there’s no problem with that, as long as I’m able to learn to use it to my advantage…
I never fell asleep tonight, because I had this panicked nagging feeling all night that I had to get all my schoolwork done right and reply to all the emails I’ve received and check all the posts on this forum (any insights on this would be greatly appreciated.) and make sure we’re all on good terms – me and all the other people in my life right now… I’m really sensitive, and just have a really difficult time managing getting all my schoolwork done throughout the day and replying to emails and posts on the forum, without the problem of getting overwhelmed to the point where I can no longer think clearly. That’s why I deleted my Facebook, ect…
But what I realized tonight, is that I can use it to make my life way better than it’s been for a while, by simply accepting it and learning how to make it into something good and healthy, even. So, anyways, I got up around four and just started doing all my work for the day to feel like I have it all out of the way before my day even starts. I used to do this when I was really little but stopped around probably ten because it wasn’t considered normal. And apparently following the regular schedule is healthy. But I’m not sure it’s healthy for me. I think it’s caused me more problems because of all the stress, so it hasn’t really been the one-size-fits-all Band-Aid people originally told me it was.
I think, what I’ll start doing now, is getting all my homework problems, etc., out of the way before my other family members wake up, so that way I’ll be able to live without all the stress of feeling like “Oh gosh, I have to get these problems done by this particular time or else people's reactions will make me feel terrible!” Now, I can be thinking more clearly about what I’d really like to do with my stupid real life. I have to go somewhere with it. I really do have to figure out a way for life to be more manageable, enjoyable, ect, or else I’ll get to my deathbed and realize I was never truly happy. ...That’d really suck lol.
So, I think what I’ll probably do when I’m in the “real world” is just work at night! It’d actually be enjoyable for me, because I really hate sleeping. And then I can spend my day doing things I really care about. I still need to figure that part out. With these preferences, I think it’s actually doable for me to pursue a career in some kind of art, possibly! Or maybe working as a casting director, or journalist, or something like that. I’ll figure it out, either way.
What I think is really good about this plan for me is that I actually really enjoy analytical work, but only for small amounts… I would absolutely hate working full time doing any sort of number-y thing. But I really enjoy doing stuff like computer programming or working for McD’s in small doses. (I actually taught myself computer programming when I was eight and spent the next several years making video games I’m kind of a freak as you’ve probably realized, but that’s alright. I’m glad I’m able to be myself here, like I’ve mentioned several times now.)
Ehehh... Yeah so I just thought that was really great!!