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Thread: Limitless' Late-Night Ramblings and Revelations

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    Default Limitless' Late-Night Ramblings and Revelations

    Something clicked for me recently (no for me tonight.) and it’s really exciting for me, so I thought I'd write it out here, partially to help process it. I remember when I was really little and first learning about that Thomas Alva Edison guy - I just thought he was really interesting in how he would run on very little sleep. I’ve had problems sleeping my whole life (I’ve actually wondered if this could somehow have stunted my growth in some way. If someone knows about this, please let me know. It’d be really nice to look into it, because I’ve always sort of had this nagging feeling like it’s caused me some problems…), and just never really cared for it, but I realized tonight that there’s no problem with that, as long as I’m able to learn to use it to my advantage…

    I never fell asleep tonight, because I had this panicked nagging feeling all night that I had to get all my schoolwork done right and reply to all the emails I’ve received and check all the posts on this forum (any insights on this would be greatly appreciated.) and make sure we’re all on good terms – me and all the other people in my life right now… I’m really sensitive, and just have a really difficult time managing getting all my schoolwork done throughout the day and replying to emails and posts on the forum, without the problem of getting overwhelmed to the point where I can no longer think clearly. That’s why I deleted my Facebook, ect…

    But what I realized tonight, is that I can use it to make my life way better than it’s been for a while, by simply accepting it and learning how to make it into something good and healthy, even. So, anyways, I got up around four and just started doing all my work for the day to feel like I have it all out of the way before my day even starts. I used to do this when I was really little but stopped around probably ten because it wasn’t considered normal. And apparently following the regular schedule is healthy. But I’m not sure it’s healthy for me. I think it’s caused me more problems because of all the stress, so it hasn’t really been the one-size-fits-all Band-Aid people originally told me it was.

    I think, what I’ll start doing now, is getting all my homework problems, etc., out of the way before my other family members wake up, so that way I’ll be able to live without all the stress of feeling like “Oh gosh, I have to get these problems done by this particular time or else people's reactions will make me feel terrible!” Now, I can be thinking more clearly about what I’d really like to do with my stupid real life. I have to go somewhere with it. I really do have to figure out a way for life to be more manageable, enjoyable, ect, or else I’ll get to my deathbed and realize I was never truly happy. ...That’d really suck lol.

    So, I think what I’ll probably do when I’m in the “real world” is just work at night! It’d actually be enjoyable for me, because I really hate sleeping. And then I can spend my day doing things I really care about. I still need to figure that part out. With these preferences, I think it’s actually doable for me to pursue a career in some kind of art, possibly! Or maybe working as a casting director, or journalist, or something like that. I’ll figure it out, either way.

    What I think is really good about this plan for me is that I actually really enjoy analytical work, but only for small amounts… I would absolutely hate working full time doing any sort of number-y thing. But I really enjoy doing stuff like computer programming or working for McD’s in small doses. (I actually taught myself computer programming when I was eight and spent the next several years making video games I’m kind of a freak as you’ve probably realized, but that’s alright. I’m glad I’m able to be myself here, like I’ve mentioned several times now.)

    Ehehh... Yeah so I just thought that was really great!!
    Last edited by Limitless; 03-19-2015 at 04:28 PM.

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    boom boom boom blackburry's Avatar
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    That's pretty awesome that you taught yourself computer programming and it's great you are trying to work with anxiety you have rather than ignore it
    Do you sleep at all though? Or sleep better in the day?

    I'm kind of the opposite.. I love sleep... A lot.

    But I do feel overwhelmed when I've too many assignments and people counting on me. However, I don't need to feel like I'm on good terms with everyone.

    What's the worst that could happen if you couldn't be on good terms with one person? A few people? I don't mean literally, but what kinds of fears would that drum up for you? (If any). Anxiety is often due to a fear of something... Loss... Abandonment...etc.

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    So many things I relate to in your post. I had insomnia since childhood. I was forced to go to bed at 8 p.m. so I would lay there staring at the ceiling until midnight or later. I would think about the future and what it was going to be like when I could make my own choices and not have anyone tell me what to do. I would think about how one day I would make all the rules and people would know who I was. lol I would create stories of my real home and my real family, who tragically lost me, because I was chosen to explore other planets in order to gain knowledge for our species, which was only part humanoid. I also had my share of princess fantasies or worlds full of faery dust and unicorns. I would also remember my past lives, on earth, as well as in other dimensions. I would talk to what others may refer to as "imaginary friends". I knew it was all real somehow but I couldn't prove it. hahah

    One of the reasons I didn't want to sleep is because I was afraid of missing something important. I would sneak out of bed and try to eavesdrop on adults. I got a lot of not safe for children information that way. I think I was more mature than kids my age and I could understand the context of their conversations so I was not scared or confused by most of it. A few things might have been too much for me to hear at the time but I handled it well and found ways to subtly ask about the subject without giving away my eavesdropping. I didn't always get the verbal response I was looking for but their expressions and body language spoke volumes.

    For me the nighttime is the right time for just about everything. I have always loved doing things while the world sleeps. I was most productive while my family was sleeping. I felt free. I still like it when I am the only person awake. I don't feel pressure to do anything other than what I want to do. I don't work now but most of my jobs have been on the night shift. Morning jobs were easy to lose because I would not hear an alarm. Funny thing is, now I am a morning person but still stay up late. I think sleeping is very important because we all need that subjective rem time in various levels for physical and mental health. I seemed to require way more sleep than others my age, as a child. I had sleep marathons after periods of hypomania. So, for me it was hard to go to sleep and hard to wake up.

    Edit: My sister was not an insomniac and got a lot of sleep. I don't think it stunted our growth because my mom and her are small. We are all under 5'2. My mom is an insomniac though. Sometimes worse than me but she is LSI. She could not fathom sleeping until noon even on weekends. A lot of our fights were over me not waking up when she demanded it. Usually around 8 am on the weekend. Ugh! She sleeps until noon now but she stays up until 2 am or later. hahah
    Last edited by Aylen; 03-17-2015 at 04:50 PM.

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    Darn Socks Director Abbie's Avatar
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    If you go into casting, use socionics! It's be great to have someone who consistently casts actors who are the same types as their characters.

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    It sounds like you want to be liked a lot because your family shames you if you're not.... that's terrible...seriously..for months? That's not cool...that's not healthy either....... Sorry you have to go through with that (as well as your siblings). Your parents maybe should be more understanding?...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    If you go into casting, use socionics! It's be great to have someone who consistently casts actors who are the same types as their characters.
    Oh, I would love doing that! Do you know if any ones ever used it (or mbti, or enneagram) to make a movie? I've always wondered that. I actually heard "divergent" was, but that's all. Plus it's book

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    You seem young. Liking to make video games isn't really freaky , lots of people online have that same dream.

    All our lives people tell us what to do and try to control us, and all our lives we fight against from being controlled in that way. Homework is an illusion, if it's not something a person is personally passionate about and has nothing to do with their own personal goals, it's just a waste of time. Working for a CEO of a company, the owner gets $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and we don't get nowhere near as much as we should for putting more work involved, it's just a glorified scam. But emotionally speaking, we are all CEOs.

    If making games is your passion, or whatever else in life- you gotta say 'fuck everybody' and just follow ur own dreams and only bring ppl along for the ride to assist you. If you still have to do "Homework in school" you may not see this yet, but we were born free. As you grow older you will get better at manipulating people with what they want so you can get what you want. Young people that are brilliant can have the worst time emotionally.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    Homework is an illusion, if it's not something a person is personally passionate about and has nothing to do with their own personal goals, it's just a waste of time. Working for a CEO of a company, the owner gets $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and we don't get nowhere near as much as we should for putting more work involved, it's just a glorified scam. But emotionally speaking, we are all CEOs.
    That’s a pretty interesting thought I’ve been exploring recently… It’s like it doesn’t even matter how much schoolwork I have waiting for me in order to feel stressed by it, since just the thought, that there’s some sort of task that I have to get done by a particular time, is what really bothers me… I don’t know whether it’s related to how I work biologically, or whether it’s more personality-related, but either way I’d like to find some way to help free myself from that sort of thing. I mentioned recently going in for neuro psychological testing, so I think that’ll be really helpful for me, for figuring out whether it’s related to biological problems, or whether it’s actually just more personality-related…

    Also… is there a way to change a post title? Clearly I stayed up an hour too late that night and it turned out a little loopy.
    Last edited by Limitless; 03-23-2015 at 04:43 AM.

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