Enneagram: An Unbiased, Comprehensive Psychological and Spiritual Critique
Enneagram 1: The Jew World Order killed your momma Sally and your dog and the only way to stop them is by making Jesus billboards. Damn them dirty hippies trying to erode our White moral values.
Enneagram 2: Make puppies and cupcakes, not war. You have a stupid high-pitched voice that alienates everyone you meet. You enjoy hooking people up and then recording them having sex.
Enneagram 3: You are so edgy everyone around you cuts themself on you. You are always risking your life thoughtlessly fulfilling stupid bets that were made half-jokingly. You dress so flamboyantly everyone's eyes hurt. You say you are so tough and then you get your tits in a twist whenever someone threatens your ego and you start hitting them until they apologize.
Enneagram 4: You listen to Vaporwave. Humanity is a banal consumeristic capitalist society and art is best when it's just random color shit splattered everywhere because it's avant-garde. No one gets it. You sit on the sofa drawing yourself on deviantArt. Linkin Park is a great band.
Enneagram 5: You are always getting beat up because you are such a nerd. Your face looks really gay but you don't care to change that. You can name every gun from every cartoon or movie you have ever seen in your life.
Enneagram 6: You are the cause of everything bad in the world. 90% of the human population is this type. You are always shaking from nervousness. You fall over and start sneezing uncontrollably whenever someone touches you. You care about nothing but your minimum-wage job, which you hate. You throw rocks at unemployed people on the street because it is the only sense of power and control you will ever have in your pathetic life.
Enneagram 7: Your fat ass is always getting in the way because you eat everything that doesn't eat you first. You also try to have sex with everything that doesn't fuck you first, but you are so fat and undisciplined and self-unaware in your ways that no living entity wants to fuck you and so you are always trying to rape them. You always fail at this but you also get away with it while everyone else always gets caught.
Enneagram 8: You killed your parents when you were a baby. You are so badass everyone wants you but they are all too afraid to approach you. Your hobbies enjoy working, working, smoking meth, hailing Satan, killing Satan, working, and killing people. No one ever messes with you. If you want something, you always get it, even if it is physically impossible. You are allowed to be a huge douchebag if you are this type but not if you are any other type.
Enneagram 9: You don't leave your room or move or talk because that would disturb the universe.