It's heartbreaking. She tries so hard to change herself to appease her partner, always concerned with doing the right things so her partner won't break things off with her. But the partner doesn't communicate. She constantly asks me what more can she do, so that she doesn't push her partner away. (This partner is her best friend, and only friend, and has known from the beginning that she had certain difficulties. They've been best friends for 9 years.) She's learned and had success at controlling her high reactivity by going into another room to calm down, going for walks, deep breathing, etc. But she can't change her genetics. The partner doesn't want her to do the self-calming activities, and yet the partner also won't communicate, won't provide answers to resolve uncertainties, won't work on problems, preferring instead to ignore things in hopes it'll all just go away.
The e1 girl has taken on more and more stressors to appease this girl, and is now facing having to take on more than double, and is scared that she won't be able to handle it and everything will crumble apart.
I don't know what kind of advice to give her, because while i understand the problem with anxieties and needing resolutions, I don't quite understand that strong need to appease. Normally I would give self-protective advice. That it would be better to live alone than have to deal with all that. I would suggest dumping a partner even before things have reached such a climax. The best i can offer right now is to help her find a therapist who might be able to also offer some couples counseling help.
So, for you enneagrammers, what ideas do you have for helping an e1w2 sx/so who's faced with the impossible task of becoming the perfect partner, without even having the criteria of what's expected of her, and who's heartbreakingly scared of losing her partner?