I have been dating an ENTP for 7 months now, and for the most part, it has been really good. We have the best time together, get one anothers' jokes, there's a "spark"/definite physical attraction between us, and he makes me very happy. There's just something between us that "clicks", something I haven't felt or seen with anyone else.
But I've recently started to notice little things that make our complete opposite personalities more apparent. He is honest, something refreshing from my last relationship, but sometimes TOO honest. He's also a very blunt person, and is fine being "on his own" most times. We see each other once or twice a week. He is also the worst texter (and by this I mean he takes forever, sometimes a full day), which I know shouldn't be the only means of communication, but a simple "have a good day" would be nice to hear once in a while. I know that I'm not perfect, but I just feel "unwanted" sometimes. And I'm not sure if it's just a personality thing, and something that can never change (because I would never want to change a person just to be with me), or if it could be external factors too?
He is trying to figure out what he wants to do, having a hard time finding a job, and has dealt with some unfortunate family circumstances in the past couple of months. I have a full-time job, make a steady income, and he tells me that he is not sure he "can be the person I want him to be right now". He also questions "what I see in him" because he doesn't seem "worthy" of my time... it hurts me to hear that, and I tell him otherwise to reassure him. But I think those things are always in the back of his mind; he feels stressed and unstable.
I, myself, do know what sort of future I will want - marriage, kids, a suburban home, stability - but I am not ready for those things right now (I am 24, he is 25 btw!). I would hope that if we were to be together in the future, he would have the same goals. I guess my question is for all the other ENTPs - are these common traits with your personality, or are some of these more subjective/from his external factors? I care about this boy a ton, but I feel my usual "happy self" escaping sometimes because I can over-analyze and stress...
-Sounds like someone is being strung along.
-If his problems are legitimate, he might be looking for you to rescue him.
-he might also be respecting you and what you have by keeping you at arms length so that you don't get involved. This is a guy thing.
-The texting could be anything, not enough details to make a proper assessment. I know I can be the worst texter with friends and family. One thing though, if I really liked the person I would text immediately.
-ENTp, are not luke warm if they like someone there should be definite signs there.
-he sounds as though he is letting you down easy and expecting you to pick up on that. You say he is a blunt person, and yet he is dropping such subtle hints, might mean something. What it means is up to you, could be he is testing you to see if you'd still like him even thogh he has low self-esteem. Could also mean he is waiting for you to be the one to say goodbye, so that it reinforces his self-conception. Or could just be he doesn't know how to end it with you, cause part of him likes your company in some way.
-being on his own could be for any number of reasons. some boys like to be on their own.
-At 24/25, ime, especially boys, no one wants to talk about family kids and marriage, especially if his own life is so unstable. If you want him around, I would move on from those domestic topics.
-nothing wrong with analyzing, but you can drop the stress.
-if a person is making you feel stress often, and something about your relationship doesn't feel right despite all your efforts together, then yeah, something needs to happen and you might not like that something.
-you say you really "click", then good call on seeking advice, ime, sparks are worth holding on to.
-don't over analyze with an ENTp, every minute detail of your time together cause that will only drive him away.
sounds like nothing more than emotional manipulation... though I wonder if what we all call 'love' is just allowing ourselves to be manipulated because we find the person attractive enough.
I, myself, do know what sort of future I will want - marriage, kids, a suburban home, stability - but I am not ready for those things right now (I am 24, he is 25 btw!).
ppl have done these things before in the past when they were 17ish years old, not that you should feel guilty/regretful- I just think it's kind of said that current society discourages ppl from growing up. Probably a curse that smart ppl have as well.
Or the wrong intertypes. ISFj will eventually squeeze the living joy out of ENTp
Do you think this happens more often than not, between these two types? I know that we are complete opposites, and I do see it affecting our relationship at times.Is it too much of a problem that we should break up? I don't think so. But, I do hope I am not "squeezing the joy out of" him...
Originally Posted by wacey
Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves
Are you saying that I am being emotionally manipulative? Yes, I am certain of what I want for my future, but I definitely do not put that pressure on him nor do we really even talk about it. I guess I am wondering what you mean, because I would not want to be manipulating him in any way...rather voicing how I feel about our situation.
Thanks for the reply!
Originally Posted by wacey
- He has told me that he wouldn't just string me along, if he didn't want to be with me. We do have our little issues, but I do believe him.
- That's what someone had mentioned to me too, and it definitely made me think. I have been so focused on how the little problems from our relationship have been affecting me, that I haven't really looked at the root of the problem (aka him feeling stressed about his life not being how he wants it to be right now/not worthy for me)
- He does tell me that he does not like using phones because they are impersonal. I definitely agree, but it is our way of talking to each other the other 5 days of the week. I don't need to have long, drawn out conversations but just to know that's he's alive and well It is something I have gotten used to though. I used to think he just didn't like me when we first started dating.
- Good point to note. His "love language" is physical touch vs. mine being gifts. He does show that he likes me in that way, but otherwise...that's why I sometimes feel uncertain. He is definitely not romantic and believes in equality (each person pays for their own), which I respect. An out of the blue gesture would be nice, but I don't ever ask for it.
- He lives with roommates and in an environment he is not proud of, at the moment. He is not stable in his life, so he does tell me he wishes his environment were different (he told me he wishes he didn't have to bring me to his place because it's not a good representation of him). I am aware of his situation, and I do tell him that I support him, but I guess he feels even more pressure, indirectly from me because I have my life "more together". And I know that no matter what I say, reassure him, he'll still feel that way. I know that I won't belittle or put down my own life/accomplishments to make him feel better, but I can support him and reassure him that I am with him for a reason.
- I definitely have not brought up the idea of marriage or kids. He has asked me, so I answered. I don't want those things right now, yes in the future, so I don't bring them up.
I just want him to be happy, but at the same time, I want to feel at peace with things too. I am the type of person who over-analyzes everything though, but I am going to try to "live in the moment" more and just be there for him/give more positive affirmations. I have this feeling in my gut that we are meant to be together, and things could be so good, but the external factors (ie. his instability and stress, which in turn causes me to feel stressed and upset) are affecting us. I guess I just really need to figure out if this is all worth it, because I know that his core personality will never change.