Self-perception deception

[Park]

Can you think of things you used to think about yourself that, after some further realization, turned out to be wrong or misleading? Do you think the way you have (mis)perceived yourself has influenced your actions and behaviors in any noticeable or significant way? Share your thoughts and experiences here.

I have a personal example to share, but I'm too tired now, so I will do it tomorrow, or some other day.

[Adam Strange]

I used to think I was introverted and would make a great (or at least, a pretty good) scientist.

When I was 12, I had no close friends, but was interested in Astronomy. My parents bought a small telescope for me, and I would spend hours with it every night exploring the sky. I started reading about stars, the planets, nebula, galaxies, light and gravity and found them so interesting that I decided to become an Astrophysicist.

I got into the advanced programs in my high school, took two years of Chemistry, one year of Physics, two years of Calculus. I did well enough in science to believe I was good at it. I also ran track and was in the choir and theater, and I acquired two really good friends and many acquaintances.

I got into the UM Honors Program and went straight to the Astronomy department and said I wanted to do any work they had related to Astronomy. They looked at me like I was a bad odor. Apparently, I needed "credentials" to do any work, and I came to the stunning realization that academics and I have very different ways of thinking. (Ti vs Te, if anyone is wondering.)

During the summers, I started working for companies around Detroit, and in two years was making more than my father, to my complete surprise. After graduating (with degrees in Astronomy and in Physics), I had to decide if I would pursue a career in Astrophysics or in business. It was an easy decision. I just kept working for different companies, because companies actually do things.

I recently showed a few guys I work with a picture of myself from the time just before I got married, and they refused to believe that the picture was of me. They said, "Adam, you are kind of hard to ignore. You will talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime, and the guy in that picture is introverted."

But the guy in that picture was me.

[uncivilized]

I tend to be very interested in the newest science and technology, and I thought I was born for a career in such fields, but I started to question this when I realized that I like these things from a distance, I don't really enjoy, or even find it interesting, when I have to get up close and dirty with them. I guess an analogy would be that if an extraterrestrial lifeform was discovered, I'd very much enjoy reading about it in a general sort of fashion, knowing the basics about it, I'd be amazed by the fact that it even exists, but I wouldn't really care to sit around experimenting with why molecule P14 suddenly turns into molecule S45 when the organisms sees the color blue.

[Sol]

When I got meaningful injuries, I always was suprised how it's easy to get them. Especially taking into account that all of them were gotten in relatively safe situations. I never got significant injuries in dangerous things I did.

[Minde]

When I got meaningful injuries, I always was suprised how it's easy to get them. Especially taking into account that all of them were gotten in relatively safe situations. I never got significant injuries in dangerous things I did.

My only broken bone has come from walking down a dark hallway. Not that I seek out tons of dangerous things. But, still, it's funny how those things happen.



Anyway.

I have a hard time knowing how I come across in a sensing way. Like I can pick up fine on emotional distances and reactions, but when it comes to physical impressions and reactions I miss a lot. I can choose an outfit based purely on how it makes me emotionally feel, go out into the world, and get all sorts of reactions I never expected, often along the "style affiliation" lines (e.g. I look like a hippy or a partier or like I have some mood that I don't really have). It gets confusing. *sigh*

I guess a stereotypical thing is that growing up I never felt pretty or graceful and even now feel like I'm rather average. But there are people who think I look nice, and who tell me so. And who say I seem elegant or whatever. (Then sometimes I spill water all over myself at a dinner party and I can only think that perhaps the balance of perception gets restored, lol.)

For awhile this idea of me being not particularly attractive kind of had me in a state of... despair is too dramatic a word, but like I was kind of stuck and resigned to being not-pretty. I think that definitely impacted how I interacted with people, especially those I was attracted to. Then I decided that perhaps some of this is learnable skill. So what if some people come by it naturally? Maybe I can nerd my way into at least being able to understand the basic tenets and fit into a variety of social scenarios without looking underdressed or super awkward. I got a bunch of books from the library and watched a bunch of YouTube videos. I put a probably ridiculous amount of thought and effort in all at once but it seems to have paid off overall because now I feel like I've "leveled up" in a way and don't have to worry as much about it. I think I might have to overhaul my closet again as it's been a couple of years, but in general I feel fairly confident that whatever I pull out on any given day will be fine and I don't have to think about it. (Except sometimes I do get paranoid and over-think and request help from those with "better" sensing... so, whatever.)

I might have digressed a little, but what I'm trying to say is that I thought I was really bad at looking good but realized that I'm not stuck with it and I have the capacity to be better. And now I am and I feel more confident, which in turn has taken away some fears wrt interacting with people, which in turn has made life better.


Related, I never saw myself as a leader growing up (even though my grandma would occasionally tell me I was). Everyone felt way more powerful and potent than me. I also saw myself as being largely on the fringes of social circles. Then, a few years ago, I wanted something, had an idea of how it could happen, mentioned it to a few friends/colleagues, and they said, "Great! We'll support you - just tell us what to do!" Which felt weird, but I did and they did, and lo and behold I became the leader of a thing. That actually precipitated a huge shift in my thinking regarding myself, to the point where even my recurring dreams changed drastically.

I still don't see myself as a motivational, inspirational, "let's conquer the world" leader. I'm not a host, "care for the guests", MC leader, either (nightmare scenario for me, actually). But I realized I'm not as powerless or impotent as I thought I was. I'm not a superhero and being the center of attention in a group is uncomfortable, so there are some things that haven't changed. But I feel a lot more confident that if I face something head-on and put in a little effort, good things can (and are even likely) to happen. That and I don't have to rely so much on other people to create social things; if I want to I can do that, too. Instead of feeling out of the loop all the time, I create my own loop.

[Beautiful sky]

I like the way that I am. I'm not anything special so I don't think of myself. I appreciate the people in my life for all that they are. At the end of the day being loved is enough.

If this turns out to be wrong or misleading I'll be darned

[consentingadult]

....I'm not anything special so I don't think of myself....

If this turns out to be wrong or misleading I'll be darned

Well, you're darned...

[Beautiful sky]

Well, you're darned...

Lol ok

[Park]

I used to think I preferred overly direct, straight-forward, brash (even to the point of being needlessly offensive) communication between people. I used to think this was the way I was. But with time I've realized that while I do always side with the truth and prefer honesty and transparency in dealing with people, I actually also value tact, sensitivity and a certain amount of care and kindness when interacting with them. It seems like I've been confusing aggressive, automated directness with honesty and integrity. People who blurt out whatever comes to their mind without thinking much about it, or who tend to be impatient and intolerant, no matter how honest and direct they might be in the general sense, repel me. People who don't consider the depth and meaning of what they say or completely ignore the effect it has on people, are not my kind of people.

I could probably think of other examples, but the general idea is that for reasons which I might not be fully aware of, although I have an idea about what some of them are, I used to perceive myself in ways I wasn't really cut out to be(have), and this made me act and socialize in those ways to a certain extent, until I realized that the cognitive dissonance I was occasionally experiencing came from the fictitious self-image I've been consulting in making behavioral decisions. Eventually, I think I learned not to rely on any ideas or "stories" I might have been inclined to tell myself about my identity, and to just stay true to my values, trust my instincts and rely more on my intuition.

I sound too philosophical.

[Minde]

I sound too philosophical.

Don't worry about it. You sound thoughtful and honest, which is good.


This is a scary question to answer; it requires vulnerability.

[Park]

Don't worry about it. You sound thoughtful and honest, which is good.

This is a scary question to answer; it requires vulnerability.

Yeah, I'm not one to avoid or disregard vulnerability. And I think I tend to gravitate away from people who do—they don't leave too much room for bonding.