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Thread: What kinds of things encourage you?

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    Let's go to fairyland Minde's Avatar
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    Default What kinds of things encourage you?

    Specifically what other people do or say that have an uplifting effect, make you feel valued, etc.

    We probably already have a thread about this somewhere, if not multiples, but with all the new people why not have a new one.

    For myself, I have a narcissistic streak. I don't like being in the spotlight with lots of people looking at me, but I do like being paid attention to by individuals. I like when they recognize and comment on things that make me who I am (especially if they're good things, haha). I like knowing what people think of me, because it means I'm worth a thought, worth the time and the energy. This might be weird, but I like being analyzed; perhaps it is because I am so private, someone who respectfully investigates is actually appealing to me.

    With that as a backdrop, in no particular order:
    - sincere (but not over-the-top!) compliments
    - gifts that meet a real need / use
    - doing something for me that needs doing (e.g. my car could really use some cleaning)
    - active listening when I do feel a need to express something


    One reason I'm asking here is it'd be interesting to see if there are any patterns among the types here. Non-deltas can answer, too. I just put it here because it's more comfy.
    INFj / EII / FiNe
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    "Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." - G.K. Chesterton

    "Have courage and be kind." - Cinderella's mom

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    Robot Assassin Pa3s's Avatar
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    A bit narcissism is normal I think, who doesn't appreciate someone's sincere interest? I tend to brush off other people's compliments and don't take them very seriously. But it's the same with criticism (not if I'm wrong about hard facts, though, I'm talking about subjective things), so this is rather balanced. I think by taking other's compliments seriously, my happiness would sooner or later depend on them (at least in part). And because it lies in the control of other people to compliment or critique, I'd rather be the one who controls my own happiness.

    But to stay on topic: People encourage me by understanding what I do and why I do it (regarding decisions or something like philosophy). If they take the time and effort to understand my thoughts, take interest in them and ask questions, I see that it matters to them. On the other handside, I can't blame them if they are not interested in the things I do, of course, but it's certainly a big plus if they do. Or if they ask me for advice on something and then seriously consider what I said. This also shows their respect regarding my opinion. Quite an E5 thing to say, I suppose.

    To find out what people really think about me is also interesting, because it's rather uncommon for people being so straightforward and just give their honest opinion on myself.
    „Man can do what he wants but he cannot want what he wants.“
    – Arthur Schopenhauer

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    when someone takes it for granted that i am capable and can accomplish what i want and doesn't patronize me by blatantly trying to "encourage" me but maybe helps me with the details and by giving guidance that is applicable and useful. more like assistant than coach, lol.

    the definition of "encouragement" here seems broader than how i think of it so i'm a little confused. i feel loved and valued when people always have time for me, are willing to help with practical things, show acceptance when i'm weird or difficult, or do/say things that are obviously motivated by trying to impress me or make me happy even if theres nothing in it for them except for my presence.

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    boom boom boom blackburry's Avatar
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    I feel encouraged when I really want to make time for someone and they really want to make time for me. even for small chat stuff.
    I feel encouraged when someone sees something I've done and is inspired by it in some way.

    I feel reallllllllllllllllllllllly encouraged when someone seems to get me and I seem to get them. and we both really enjoy talking to each other even about small stuff.
    it sucks when it's fleeting though.

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    Moderator Reficulris's Avatar
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    I feel encouraged when someone tells me i made a difference to them.
    ...if someone or something bows to my intellect
    ...if something is easy and instantly rewarding
    ...if I get that "aha" feeling of instantly understanding something in its entirety
    ...if i get hugs (it encourages me to be with people)
    ...if someone finds me attractive and gives me attention romantically
    ...if something new and exciting is on the horizon (gadgets, people, movies etc etc, i can be spoilered into f5 ing web pages obsessively)
    ...if the weather is sunny

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    I feel encouraged when I receive gifts that are things that I actually need or like. It shows that the giver has cared enough about me to go beyond the superficial gift.
    You seek a great fortune, you three who are now in chains. You will find a fortune, though it will not be the one you seek.
    But first you must travel a long and difficult road, a road fraught with peril.
    You shall see things, wonderful to tell. You shall see a... cow... on the roof of a cotton house. And, oh, so many startlements.
    I cannot tell you how long this road shall be, but fear not the ob-stacles in your path, for fate has vouchsafed your reward.
    Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them, even unto your salvation
    .


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pukq_XJmM-k

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    Having an impact on someone is encouraging. I like when I can get someone 'up and going', it's like flicking on a switch in them and they are suddenly alert, awake and interested. If I can't flick someone's switch, I feel like a deflated balloon and want to avoid that person. It doesn't have to be a strong reaction either--even the reserved people can be switched on, they will just do it in a reserved and considered way.

    The most encouraging thing is seeing someone take my advice, encouragement or support and doing something beyond what they thought they were capable of. I'm like a proud mum.

    I find compliments can sometimes have the opposite effect. If someone compliments me, I sort of want to oppose them with all the things wrong that they have obviously missed which led them to make a compliment. Err... if that makes sense. But constructive criticism, anything non-personal and specific, will challenge me to improve. As long as I specifically know what I can improve. It's like they are providing me with a ladder I can climb, and each specific point for improvement is a rung on the ladder.

    I like it when people say thank you, but they need to keep it short, otherwise I will get embarrassed.

    Yeah and big warm hugs when I am discouraged.

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    Let's go to fairyland Minde's Avatar
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    I get encouraged when people respond to my threads.


    Quote Originally Posted by Pa3s View Post
    A bit narcissism is normal I think, who doesn't appreciate someone's sincere interest? I tend to brush off other people's compliments and don't take them very seriously. But it's the same with criticism (not if I'm wrong about hard facts, though, I'm talking about subjective things), so this is rather balanced. I think by taking other's compliments seriously, my happiness would sooner or later depend on them (at least in part). And because it lies in the control of other people to compliment or critique, I'd rather be the one who controls my own happiness.
    That's an interesting way to approach it. I don't relate as much to the happiness dependence part. Consciously, anyway. But now that you mention it, it makes sense, if not for me then at least for someone else. But I can relate to trying not to let either compliments or criticism affect me too deeply on an initial emotional level, especially as I've gotten older. Becoming more secure in who I am gives me some detachment.


    Quote Originally Posted by lungs View Post
    the definition of "encouragement" here seems broader than how i think of it so i'm a little confused.
    I was thinking of it like something that validates or feeds my insides. Like when you're feeling down, and someone does or says something that makes you feel better. But, really, I'm not too particular about the meaning this time. I feel if I were it might limit too much what people feel they can relate to or share.

    So what you said is perfect.


    Quote Originally Posted by Misty View Post
    The most encouraging thing is seeing someone take my advice, encouragement or support and doing something beyond what they thought they were capable of. I'm like a proud mum.
    Aw, I can relate to that. I love seeing people grow, and I like knowing I play(ed) a part in that. That's one reason I loved teaching, seeing my students get excited about what they were learning, and going on to use it more in their lives. You're right, it is so encouraging.

    Quote Originally Posted by Misty View Post
    I find compliments can sometimes have the opposite effect. If someone compliments me, I sort of want to oppose them with all the things wrong that they have obviously missed which led them to make a compliment. Err... if that makes sense.
    Sometimes I almost want to do that, too. It's a balance thing. Though it can be a sort of gift to the other person to accept their "gift" to you.
    INFj / EII / FiNe
    ()


    "Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." - G.K. Chesterton

    "Have courage and be kind." - Cinderella's mom

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    Unpredictable films and predictable people.

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    THUNDER GOD IS ENCOURAGED WHEN PEOPLE DO GOOD THINGS FOR EACH OTHER

    THUNDER GOD THINKS MINDE'S THREAD IS VERY ENCOURAGING
    THUNDER GOD LOVES YOU
    THUNDER GOD GIVES PEOPLE THE LIGHTNING
    THUNDER GOD PUNISHES EVIL THRU THE PEOPLE
    THUNDER GOD FIST BUMPS JESUS BRO DISCIPLES, BUDDHA BRO DISCIPLES AND LAO TZU BRO DISCIPLES AND ALL OTHER DISCIPLES OF LOVE TO SAVE THE WORLD

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    Quote Originally Posted by Minde View Post
    I get encouraged when people respond to my threads.



    Sometimes I almost want to do that, too. It's a balance thing. Though it can be a sort of gift to the other person to accept their "gift" to you.
    I agree that it's a gift and should be received as such... so nowadays I say thank you and hope the compliments stop asap, haha.

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    The Iniquitous inumbra's Avatar
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    i don't know if i feel encouraged by things that other people do "for me," and i probably would doubt people's motives for trying to encourage me (as it seems to indicate that they want me to be a certain way or to do what they want me to do, usually for their own reasons, or that they simply want something). i am deeply distrustful of most people.

    the person who i don't feel this way about is my sister.

    when i think of examples, often when i feel that i can't do something, that i am incapable, or it's too much, or i am overwhelmed... a boost of "you can do this" helps me. it needn't necessarily come from another person. i remember for a brief time i was taking a medication that elevated dopamine and i remember being incredibly aware of how fear kept me from doing things (even simple things) due to doubting i could do it... and under the influence of the medication i was able to encourage myself. this mainly involved sympathizing with how i felt i couldn't do something and then being able to tell myself to just do it anyway while understanding i was feeling sensitive about it (but most importantly, it provided the "boost"). it also gave me heart palpitations. :\ oh, and it caused me to be a little reckless and i found myself disregarding my personal safety on a couple occasions to the extent i was rather disturbed. i think that might have been okay were it not for the heart palpitations.

    i used to have a more narcissistic streak, but lately it seems to have went into hiding. i think it's perhaps that i'm interested in not being narcissistic currently. it's "uncharted territory"?

    i've felt encouraged in interactions with animals before. i find that animals (well, my experience is with other mammals) are often very sensitive to emotions and pure of heart.
    Last edited by inumbra; 10-15-2014 at 07:53 AM.

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    I am encouraged by people recognizing the things I do well while trying to not appear too needy for the attention and while trying to avoid demands placed upon me to perform at such a high standard all of the time.

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    Let's go to fairyland Minde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by inumbra View Post
    i don't know if i feel encouraged by things that other people do "for me," and i probably would doubt people's motives for trying to encourage me (as it seems to indicate that they want me to be a certain way or to do what they want me to do, usually for their own reasons, or that they simply want something). i am deeply distrustful of most people.
    Usually it's some sort of external state or issue that leads to me feeling down, so someone jumping on me to manipulate my emotions directly usually doesn't completely do the trick. And it can indeed be indicative of an ulterior motive (or just that they deal with things differently than me). I'm distrustful of people in certain ways (e.g. internet privacy), but that's in a general "as a rule it's dangerous to behave certain ways" and with individuals I tend to lead off believing in their overall good intentions. That said, I can understand distrust, the reasons and effects.

    Anyway, sometimes the best encouragements happen when people are just doing their thing, without even knowing I'm down.


    Quote Originally Posted by inumbra View Post
    i've felt encouraged in interactions with animals before. i find that animals (well, my experience is with other mammals) are often very sensitive to emotions and pure of heart.
    +1 to that. And it takes sensitivity to recognize that sensitivity.
    INFj / EII / FiNe
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    "Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." - G.K. Chesterton

    "Have courage and be kind." - Cinderella's mom

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    Landlord of the Dog and Duck Subteigh's Avatar
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    When I feel encouraged I naturally have a state of euphoria, which comes from all those things that fill me with optimism and a state of mind where all negative thoughts are far away. This is not especially profound, but I say this because it is common for me to wake up in a morning and already be in an upbeat state. It means that I might link it to a favourable sunrise or whatever comes to mind at the time. When I think of the ways that little things that can affect my state of mind, it makes me consider the importance of, for example, always entering a room or a gathering of people with a smile (I know individuals who feel very dispirited when a situation or a person seems\is indifferent or hostile, so I think it is of great importance to do such a thing if it costs little personally or is it actually generally beneficial).

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    Let's go to fairyland Minde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Subteigh View Post
    When I think of the ways that little things that can affect my state of mind, it makes me consider the importance of, for example, always entering a room or a gathering of people with a smile (I know individuals who feel very dispirited when a situation or a person seems\is indifferent or hostile, so I think it is of great importance to do such a thing if it costs little personally or is it actually generally beneficial).
    The golden rule? I like it. For details like that, though, I have to work harder to remember.
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    "Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." - G.K. Chesterton

    "Have courage and be kind." - Cinderella's mom

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