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Thread: What is behind this communication difficulty?

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    Idiot Iris's Avatar
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    Default What is behind this communication difficulty?

    I have a problem communicating with one of my friends. We have great meaningful conversations, and I feel like she totally “gets” me. We have known and worked with each other a really long time. But we frequently have misunderstandings in trying to solve problems together.

    For example, we are trying to find a solution to some problem. We identify the problem (the vendor is cheating us,) we state our positions clearly (we both are furious at the vendor and are going to find a new one,) we brainstorm solutions (to ensure a smooth transition.) Sometimes, in the course of listening to my ideas, this friend will hear something wrong, and will assume that I am now contradicting or changing the position that I carefully spelled out in the very beginning. She will reproach me for contradicting myself. “But I thought you wanted to change vendors…”

    (This offends me, duh, and also makes me feel very impatient.) The fact that she has known me for so long makes it hard for me to understand why this happens. She should know that I am not ridiculously fickle.

    Going back to the phrase, “hear something wrong,” I mean that to say that she was inattentive and missed something, or I misspoke and used the wrong word, or she couldn’t follow the intricacies of my thought. All of these things are ordinary occurrences in conversations. But my SLE friend, in that same situation would say, “you meant blah, blah, blah, right?” That statement assumes that I have not lost my mind and indicates that she has been following my train of thought.

    I am pretty sure that my friend is some kind of IP type.

    Does anyone have any thoughts as to what is going with our communication difficulties? Or has anyone experienced anything similar?

    I am editing this to add something else that just happened that may help clarify things.

    ***************************************

    I open the door.

    Coworker: Are you going to the office supply right now?

    Me: Yes.

    My friend: No, she's not.

    Me (momentarily confused, closes the door) : I AM going to the office supply.

    My friend: You were going to the trash can first and then to the office supply.

    Me: (Dies a little inside that this is my life) Yes, trash can first, then office supply.

    ****************************************

    When I write this down, I am making my friend sound incredibly petty and particular, which she is not. She seems outwardly mellow and in my opinion is overly relaxed about some things.
    Last edited by Iris; 09-14-2014 at 03:44 AM.
    You seek a great fortune, you three who are now in chains. You will find a fortune, though it will not be the one you seek.
    But first you must travel a long and difficult road, a road fraught with peril.
    You shall see things, wonderful to tell. You shall see a... cow... on the roof of a cotton house. And, oh, so many startlements.
    I cannot tell you how long this road shall be, but fear not the ob-stacles in your path, for fate has vouchsafed your reward.
    Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them, even unto your salvation
    .


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pukq_XJmM-k

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    I have a friend that does this to people. I think he has trouble with how the way something is said determines its meaning. He also doesn't even realize when he's shouting at somebody or whatever.

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    Type aside, she sounds like an incredibly manipulative person. Manipulative people are going to seem like 'they totally get you' that's how they in return get you to do stuff for them. "But I thought you wanted to change vendors" - that is such a manipulative line lmao. Having a very selfish motive while at the same time making it seem like it's in your best interest. It's like somebody wanting me to support/cover them for murdering somebody, and to do that they paint the target as an anti-gay abuser, understanding that would emotionally bother me. Yeah manipulative people are pretty transparent. But we all fall for it once in awhile.

    I have a really hard time being friends with women, because by their very nature they are so manipulative. I don't completely blame them for this, nature kinda dictates they have to be this way but it still is pretty annoying..... and I used to be so naive I didn't even know what manipulation was. I was really pathetic. Of course asshole men can be manipulative too, but men are usually too fucking stupid and obsessed with sex to be that manipulative. They lack the subtlety to pull it off.

    Here is how I deal with manipulative people now: I bring them out completely into the harsh light of day and I show everybody else what they are doing.

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    Idiot Iris's Avatar
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    @truck My friend is actually very genuine. She will tease and joke, but usually only says exactly what she means. (She is not teasing in these moments that I am describing.)

    I am probably the more manipulative, and should probably be kicked to the curb for complaining about my nice friend.
    You seek a great fortune, you three who are now in chains. You will find a fortune, though it will not be the one you seek.
    But first you must travel a long and difficult road, a road fraught with peril.
    You shall see things, wonderful to tell. You shall see a... cow... on the roof of a cotton house. And, oh, so many startlements.
    I cannot tell you how long this road shall be, but fear not the ob-stacles in your path, for fate has vouchsafed your reward.
    Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them, even unto your salvation
    .


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pukq_XJmM-k

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