Playing The Hero
This adventurer chapter goes out to @HERO, as per requested.
HERO/Agape pondered to himself wistfully while listening to a depressing Aimee Mann song about how narcissists always win because they are narcissists. “Nobody likes me” he whispered under his breath.
“Fresh meat” Absurd said, looking at the poor and confused boy from outside his bedroom window feeling sorry for himself. Using his Rogue powers, Absurd Shadowstepped inside the house and Aylen followed suit.
Aylen was behind him, giggling a bit to herself as Absurd continued to bully HERO. “Hey queer ever stop trying to be so queer, queer!” ‘surd taunted. He was wearing a wife beater showing off his jock muscles. Aylen was wearing a pink straight girl dress.
Agape just put his head down sadly. “No maybe I really should just kill myself…” agape said seriously.
Truck had enough, and somehow sensing all this going on with his evolved Empathy powers, phoned Vero and asked her to use her teleportation power on him so he could be in agape’s house in a split second. “I really need to learn how to teleport myself but I don’t want to be too powerful because then I’m afraid people wouldn't be able to relate to me as much or something” Truck said campily. He already was a bad-ass shaman, an ice cream store employee, a socionics moderator and…. babysitter. Shit is there anything the little homo couldn’t do?
Agape, Aylen and Absurd (triple A!) just blinked at the sudden emergence of Truck. Truck just rolled his eyes at Absurd and Aylen and looked over at Agape. “Are you really going to let them treat you that way?” truck said.
“Yeah who really cares man, I’m a weak asshole I probably deserve it” agape said, obviously he wasn't an asshole just a frightened kid that lived too long with his mother.
“Stop this!” Truck said. “You always do this…”
“Stop what” agape said.
“Stop always playing the victim, I know you’re better than this… they’re just picking on you because they know they can get a rise out of you. Stand up to them. Use your adventurer powers and make them go away.”
Aylen looked at truck. “ooh big bad heroic truck, can’t stand it when a straight girl gets more ALPHA MALE DICK than him” she said.
“If you seriously think absurd is an alpha male, I feel sorry for you” Truck said, just glaring at Aylen. She just poked his tongue out at him.
“You say you have all this empathy but you don’t believe in absurd. In his power. You get offended by what he says. Weak. Yeah well I’m not like all those other girls that gave up on absurd. I really care.” Aylen stood by Absurd and hugged him affectionately.
Sam put his hand on his hips. “My emotions aren’t weaknesses” he said. “And yeah, I don’t think we should cuddle up to people who directly tell us to kill ourselves. I guess I’m a bitch that way.”
Absurd leaned over and whispered in Hero’s ear, all troll like. “Do it fag. Just kill yourself. We’ll all be a lot happier when you’re gone.”
Truck just looked at Hero, as If Come on buddy. HERO/Agape was a priest class but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t without offensive magic. He could cast Holy on them like a Final Fantasy white mage or … SOMETHING.
HERO didn't kill himself, but instead just posted a really long and objectively annoying forum message about how the suicide rate for gay teenagers was four more times likely than heterosexual peers and some really lengthy run on sentences about frotting and how not all gay men like anal sex, even though everybody with an IQ over 40 already knew that.
“Argh I can’t stand it too many words” Absurd said. “Too long didn’t read! Come on Aylen” he said. “I’m bored of this let’s go to the straight sports bar down the street and you can give me a lap dance or something.”
“Sure thing babe!” Aylen said. “Later HOMOS” she said immaturely. She threw down a potion and in a puff of pink smoke, the Obviously Straight Duo were nowhere to be seen.
Truck raised a brow at HERO. “Not…. quite what I was expecting or looking for but you did it. You got Absurd off your back.” Truck smiled at HERO, trying not to come off patronizing and Oprah ish but knew he was probably doing so anyway.
“I am just a weak ****** tho” HERO/agape said.
“Argh! You’re almost as annoying as absurd and k0rpsey are but in the opposite direction or something” truck said. “Why do both gay and str8 men follow these silly roles as bully and victim, could it just be years of mutually pent up sexual tension?”
“Being a bully and victim is really just the same thing man” Dolphin said wisely from her being high on pot vantage point.
Woofwoofl suddenly walked in shirtless with a bunch of bottles of lube and condoms and a boombox radio held up to one ear. He said: “Fuck yeah man! Gay orgy tonight at my place woohoo! Both gay and straight men need to stop with all the EMO and just lighten up and have hot fun sex together man yeaaaah! You got this guys, YOU HERE ME EVERYBODY. WE GOT THIS!”
Truck looked at Woofwoofl, and realized that although he was being sort of corny with his enthusiasm and him using the word emo as an all-purpose insult, truck realized that as a bisexual, Woofwoofl was a natural mediator between the Eternal Conflict between the Straight and Gay worlds. Thus his presence in the world should be respected.
Truck just put his hand on woofl’s shoulder. “Oh woof…” He wasn’t really in the mood for a gay orgy tonight, so instead he just gave Hero a look like ‘Believe in Yourself’ and phoned vero to teleport him back to his bed for some sleep.
“I am… not…. Gay” Absurd said off screen while shoving a dagger in the heart of a 14-year-old homeless homosexual youth. Not realizing the obvious homoeroticism of what he was doing. “Fuck I made the little ****** squeal like a pig when I killed him and made him shoot snot outta of his nose. That was so fucking hot. I even farted when I came… such a turn on” Absurd said, signifying the sort of animalistic piggish sex closeted married men on ManHunt.com always troll for.
End. (for now)