Men Vs. Women: The Book

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

MEN VS. WOMEN

(I decided to write a novel about religion & morality, ethics, gender roles, gender conflicts, Male/female conflict, the attitudes towards heterosexuals/bisexuals and homosexuals and transgendered people in society etc blah blah blah blah blah. You get it.

I simply and purely call it Men Vs. Women: The Book. Enjoy!

Note: it doesn’t exactly take place in the adventurersverse but its sort of similar as there will be demons, gods and ideas and stuff. It's different in that it's not based off forum people but people that are loosely based off people I know irl. And unlike The Adventures I changed their names. So its *slightly* more professional and less trolly but you know me. <3)

Chapter 1: Share My Soul For A Wish

Lindsay Miller thought deeply. It was a big choice to make. She looked over at the man in the cave standing across from her. He was a short yet handsome man in a gray business suit, only he wasn’t a man so much at all – but one of Satan’s demons. He looked at her in that smug know it all business man way like “It’s okay take your time. We’re open until 9 pm” or whatever.

Lindsay laughed nervously. She was wearing a burgundy shirt from tj maxx and blue jeans. She had been studying the true laws of the universe for only about two weeks now. Before that she was just your average 26-year-old midwestern girl that wanted chocolate, a man, and to order things online from QVC. But there's more than the matrix, and she was always one of the enlightened ones that saw beyond the veil.

“There’s just a lot to take in. I mean I had no idea that if you kill somebody of your own gender, Lucifer hates that but if you kill somebody of your opposite gender Lucifer rewards you with superpowers. I thought murder was murder and it was all wrong.”

“Murder isn’t right or wrong, Murder well… murder is murder just not in the way that you’ve been Gaslighted to believe” the man said to Lindsay while calmly keeping his hands in his pants’ pockets. “Murder having some sort of arbitrary value system is just a lie God told you to keep you as his obedient sheep. Powerless. Weak. Vulnerable. As for the gender thing, I’m sorry but DUH. It only says homosexuality is wrong in the Bible about four dozen times. Lucifer, being God’s opposite innately glorifies in it.”

Lindsay shook her head. “T-that’s the thing. I’m not gay though” she said, as honestly as she could. She was telling the truth. She might have kissed another girl in a bar once for attention or to be cool like Katy Perry but she was pretty much 99.999% straight.

The man shrugged his shoulders. “Boss doesn’t give a fuck. Lucifer’s perception is… bigger than that. The body count is what matters.”

“But I like men. Way more than women. In pretty much all ways. Sexually, emotionally, socially…”

The demon looked like it was getting angry. “Typical self-absorbed straight person that can’t see beyond their own nose” it said. “It’s not about your petty likes and dislikes. It’s about the Grand Plan.”

“Which is?”

The man laughed. “Oh sweetie you know I can’t tell you that. It would be like the owner of Bush beans blabbering out his secret recipe or Mr. Crabs from SpongeBob telling Plankton what’s in his burgers. You just know… the deal.”

“Are all demons gay?” Lindsay asked. ”Is that Satan’s ultimate plan? To turn everybody homosexual?”

The man just looked at Lindsay like she were a naïve nothing. He couldn’t answer that question directly, but she should know that it wasn’t that simple. “You know... you already were doubting God’s power, that’s why you agreed to meet me in the first place.”

“True… I find myself conflicted. There’s lots of stuff in the Bible I agree with, lots of stuff I don’t.”

“Join the club” the man said. “The average human cherry picks; spends their entire life lost in a sea of mediocrity and ambivalent nothingness. Never really going anywhere, never choosing a Master and sticking with it. But today, that could all change for you.”

“All I have to do is kill a boy and I receive a superpower of my own choice.” Lindsay said. “Give up my soul” she said under her breath.

The business demon nodded, putting his arm around Lindsay’s shoulder. She was startled at first, but allowed it to happen. “Yes, think of the possibilities. Levitation, fireballs, teleportation - it’s all real. Or you could simply choose to permanently erase a painful memory. Those kind God wants you to keep to tie you down to what he calls Empathy. But it’s a lie Lindsay” he said, his voice drawing out and becoming heavy.

Lindsay thought again. And again and again. Then her brain was tired of thinking, tired of being all conflicted like the man said. She finally agreed, God does indeed suck.

“I’ll do it” she said.

The man smiled. “Welcome to the team” he said. He held out a hand for her to shake. But then suddenly and violently, he telekinetically pushed her back a few feet.

Lindsay looked up at him while sprawled out on the cavern floor, startled that he attacked her but curious to know why.

“And how many times do I gotta tell you. You don’t give up your soul in this. Another of God’s lies. You share your soul with another. Lucifer truly loves you. God does not.”

[Reficulris]

As much as I hate to admit, it's a fun read gives us chapter two you lazy fuck!
Edit: im flattered that im the big Boss too

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Here ya go @Reficulris

Chapter 2: The Kill

He was the perfect mark, because he was Lindsay’s ex. She just stared at him sitting on the bench at the park talkin’ smack with one of his buddies. Clayton Jones: Hockey player, wannabe rap star, douchebag. Your average straight male prick that lures women in with his masculine charms then dumps them the second he gets what he wants from them. Sex. The girls always fall for it. Not every girl, but enough. And he always gets away with it. Not every single time, but enough. Plus she heard that he might have date raped some hos at some club.

Lindsay didn’t really want to kill anybody of course, her soul was telling her that it was wrong. Or God was tricking her into thinking it was wrong to keep her downtrodden, or that gay bald demon in the cave was completely lying for his own benefit. She couldn’t really trust anybody, but she believed the demon would give her what she wanted if she did this. She was even allowed to pick her own target, she wouldn’t go through with this otherwise. She as sure as hell wasn’t going to kill some bumbling four-eyed nerd that couldn’t speak to women.

And the funny thing is, she still felt for the bastard. Stupid and cliché, she knew – but his dad was an asshole to him. And his mom was never around. In a way all he had was his buddies, his booze and his bitches- and she was about to take that all away from him. All for herself, just to feel more powerful. Less conflicted.

She could walk away at any time. Let God handle it like that stupid Will Smith song says. The preachy hypocritical one he created just to make more money for himself. But that’s the thing. God didn’t care. Clayton just seemed more smug and sure of himself than ever, so egoistic and cocky. He still had the same view of women, that they all wanted his dick. And he was right in a sense. But she was fucking tired of it, he could have been different. He could have settled down, have a kid with her. Made her truly happy.

Lindsay sighed. She was doing it again. Going back and forth. It was time to choose already, the demon was right.

Lindsay waited for his buddy to leave and drive away and then she walked over to him as confidently as she could. “Hi Clayton” she said sarcastically.

Clayton’s eyes gave her the up and down and he laughed. “Hey Linz. Puttin’ on some weight I see.”

“Don’t be a jerk” Lindsay said.

“You like it” Clayton said.

“Liked. Past tense” Lindsay said. “I’m my own woman now.”

“Oh really, read that in one of those weird chick mags did you.” He sniffed and brushed the side of his nose in that natural masculine way straight men do. He looked to the left and right of himself then directly faced Lindsay again. “So wanna suck my dick in the park? Come on I know you want to. There’s nobody around.”

The thing about Clayton, what pissed her off the most, is true he acted like a dbag but his smell. Oh god baby his smell. His crotch smell, his armpit smell, that spot underneath his balls. She remembered them all so well. So intoxicating, so infused with testosterone. So actually play sports in the yard during summertime instead of spending all their time at some computer playing a video game like non-alpha males. It repulsed her, her being whipped around by her pheromones like this. Maybe becoming a lesbian would be easier.

“No” Lindsay said. “I’m not going to fall for it again” she said. “You always do this to women.”

Clayton stood up from the bench and looked down on her. Emotionally and realistically. She was five foot six, he was six foot three. “Shh baby." He put his arms around her, it felt like sweet warm heaven for a moment but she clenched her fists and fought past being a victim. "Remember that time you ate my ass" he whispered into her ear, "how much you liked it.”

Lindsay suddenly became alive again. Because as good as Clayton smelled, he had this bad habit of forgetting to brush his teeth and the rankness of his breath reminded her of just how gross and not sexy he could actually be. Regaining her spirit, she looked him in the eyes and said “It was kind of hot at first but then I sort of thought you were gay."

It didn’t work. He just stood there in a continuous cycle of confidence. She hated him for that. It’s like Clayton always knew how to get under your skin, but you never could do the same back to him.

Unless…

“Oh Clayton. There is one thing that will get under your skin. Just one.”

Clayton raised his brow, curiously puzzled on what this thing exactly was.

“A real mother fucking knife … asshole.” And she did it. She just did it. Lindsay stabbed the bastard right in the chest. Drove the blade inside him as hard as she could.

He looked shocked. Scared, weak. Just like a nerd. Just like those final fantasy gamers that he always picked on and called homos. Clayton tried to get up and punch Lindsay, but the wound was too great. He was laying on the grass now, wriggling in pain like a dying worm.

“C-can’t breathe” Clayton said. “Breathing through chest.” Tears welled up in his eyes and he begged Lindsay for forgiveness, begged her to drive him to the hospital a few blocks away. He communicated all this without actually saying anything. You could see it in his eyes.

And she refused. She came too far now. All she had to do now was watch him die.

Lindsay felt a little empathy but shrugged it off. “That’s how you made women and gay men feel your entire life, dickwad” Lindsay said. She was surprised at how good it felt to say that.

The moment he slipped away she also said: “But you also were good in bed. Don’t think I don’t know that” she said respectfully. And that was that. Clayton Jones was officially dead. She wiped off the blood from her knife with an expensive white cloth that she purchased at Ikea.
Lindsay felt like a demon. And it felt wonderful. She gleefully smiled at herself.

“Oh one last thing…” she almost forgot. She reached in her pocket and took out a brown satchel and sprinkled some golden dust on Clayton’s body. He disappeared. “Worked like a charm, just like he told me it would.”

The evidence of the murder was completely gone.

She was going to get away with it.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 3: Sam’s Angels aka It’s only chapter 3 and I already can’t resist a Crossover episode

“We are straight men” a demon said in a cave, holding up a decapitated head of a gay man he previously killed yesterday night. He was wearing raggedy brown robes. “We are brutal, direct. Straight. That’s why we are called straight. We get under everybody else’s skin, they don’t do the same to us. We are the Pure Eternal Dagger."

The rest of the demons in the cave grunted in agreement and beat their chest. It was a cave full of heterosexual demons. But they were totally oblivious to the real power they could have, Lucifer’s dark secret. They didn’t know they were actually supposed to kill women not other men. They still had a few demonic powers though, but they were actually heading down a path that lead nowhere.

Cpig and HaveLucidDreamz listened to all this and rolled their eyes. They disguised themselves as demons to infiltrate the camp so they were wearing inconspicuous brown robes and trying to fit in. Both straight men, both adventurers, they were sent on this mission via Sam.

Cpig removed the hood from his robe and stepped forward, revealing who he really was. “I think your views on straight men are silly and misguided. I’m adorable and cute and I’m straight” cpig said.

Krae, making a cameo appearance from Europe suddenly said, “I beg to-“ inside his own comic panel with a cute trolly expression on his face (like the time he called Finale bisexual even though he bangs Jet every night), but then an anvil fell on him before he could finish his sentence. (Sorry krae)

“Yeah me too” Haveluciddreamz said. “But I’m actually kind of more in the middle, like seinfeld Jew or something. I don’t know it’s like I think society has these outdated notions and I haven’t met anybody with my unique and interesting opinion before even though it’s actually pretty common and it’s like this man blah blah blah blah blah blah blah” He ranted about something for what felt like five hours.

Finally, cpig elbowed him in the chest and said “Shut the fuck up. You’re adorable and you know it.”

The leader demon dude did not look amused. “Sweet and adorable things do not crush others. They are the ones that get crushed.”

Cpig uppercutted the demon and he went flying back. “I’d like to test that theory.”

One of the demons grabbed HaveLucidDreamz from behind. The demon sniffed his neck. “Ew. ****** stench. You have it all over you. It smells
like rotten candy that’s been under your couch for too long. Yuck.”

“It’s not what you think” HaveLucidDreamz said.

“You may not be a gay but you at least associate with them” the demon said. Demons only understand purity, not sophistication.

“I get that gays can be annoying man” cpig said, trying to be diplomatic. “They often talk about sexual orientation in situations where it’s not appropriate, but do they really deserve being decapitated like this?”

“Empathy is for fags” the demon said. “You are nothing. Kill them both for being fag enablers.”

Cpig sighed. “Hold my hand” he said to HaveLucidDreamz.

HaveLucidDreamz looked at cpig kind of insecurely. “Uhhh….”

“Just fucking do it” he said.

HaveLucidDreamz and Cpig held hands. Cpig channeled the force of HaveLucidDreamz and HLD did the same to Cpig and they horizontally levitated in the air and spun 360 degrees, kicking all the demons in the chest a bunch of times. HaveLucidDreamz’ monk powers and Cpig’s warrior powers melded together well for that combo attack.

HaveLucidDreamz looked around at the demons all beaten up and limping. But it wasn’t enough. “Shit. We’re both straight male melee classes but we really need some gay aoe magic to finish them off” he said.

Cpig reached in his pocket. “I’m on it bro” he said.

“What’s that?” HLD asked. It was some white star shape thingie about the size of a baseball. It looked very shiny and magical.

It was better to show then tell, so cpig threw it on the ground and all the demons in the cave went ka-boom and bye bye.

“A Spark of Sammy” cpig said. “He bottled his very essence into a potion for me to use.”

“Oh, cool. Well mission is complete I guess.”

“At least Sam is paying us for this” cpig said. “I wouldn’t have done it any other way, I am a capitalist after all. I’m not going to be THAT fucking nice.”

HLD put his arm around cpig and the two boys walked out of the cave together. “Yeah but at least we proved that straight men can have empathy after all… or something” he said. “I’m hungry, let’s go get some KFC.”

[Capitalist Pig]