For the self soothing, I instinctively did/do pace...it's actually walking around the block, over and over and over until my body is exhausted and/or my mind finally worked out the emotions or gained a more positive perspective of the situation that led to the intense emotional reaction. I used to walk miles upon miles. Really, any repetitive motion/activity can help. Riding a bicycle in a quiet area, doing a bunch of situps or pushups, punching a bag over and over and over and over until the body/mind are tired enough to let the emotion go. My neighbors got used to seeing me walking, ranting and raving to myself, arms and hands flying all around. Yeah, lol, I'm the crazy neighbor lady.
But this helped me use up that energy in a way that wouldn't harm my relationships. It didnt solve the problems, just burned off most of the emotional turmoil.
Initially that helped, but I knew I needed something more, so I began evaluating my values. Like a situation would happen, I would go "pace", rant and rave to myself, then after I had calmed down I would review what I was upset about, why it upset me, was it worth being upset about, were there any other values involved, prioritize those values, and then figure out a game plan geared toward supporting those higher values. Through this I learned that I tend to walk a fine line between certain values which are in direct conflict with each other. On the one hand X, on the other Y, but X and Y can't function well at the same time. X might be the strongest value in one circumstance, but push it a bit and value Y gets triggered into taking over. For example, with my daughter, I didn't want to be an imposing parent, I grew up with that and didn't want that for my daughter. Which meant I gave her a lot of leeway until finally I would put my foot down and tell her to clean her bathroom/room/dishes/whatever. This would lead to fights between us, both of us having difficulties regulating our emotional reactions, so these fights would very quickly escalate. Thankfully my desire to not put her down stopped most of the nasty things I could have said, or might have said to someone less important to me. To stop the escalation I would order her to her room, and then I would go for a rantrave walk until I calmed down. And when I'd get back inside, she would have ranted/raved enough in her room to have calmed down some. So then I would knock on her door and we would calmly talk about what had been said and done, and what had led up to that point of me finally telling her to do something. We would both usually apologize for hurtful things we may have said or did. And then we would try to figure out how to avoid it from happening again. These talks would end with a hug and reaffirmation of our relationship.