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Thread: Moving on from a Socionics-'induced' identity crisis...

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    suedehead's Avatar
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    Default Moving on from a Socionics-'induced' identity crisis...

    I've beat this topic to death at this point, I realize that. I admit that I sought sympathy before, but at this point, I just want a practical solution to this. I feel that I haven't been candid enough about just how drastically m perception of self has changed over the past couple of years since getting into typology.

    When I first got into typology I was 17/18 and initially identified as IEE. At that point I was overcompensating pretty hard...and I've tried to suppress any memory of it, but there's plenty of evidence of it online throughout various forums. I was into bodybuilding, I read pick-up articles and posted on the bodybuilding forum, I would show off how 'pragmatic' and socially-darwinian I was during political discussions in class even though I didn't know shit, I bragged (online) about my looks, how I 'deserved' more female attention, how shallow I was, how well I supposedly dressed. Every other day I'd come up with some sleazy idea about becoming a finance executive, a model, a director, a filmmaker, or a lawyer in order to fulfill some fantasy I had, and I guess to make up for my 'failures' in highschool. I left my girlfriend about a week after losing my virginity to her and thought it was cool and someone told me I should. I may as well have been a closeted male stereotype. I was never smart enough to figure out how stupid I was. It's all pretty sad to look back on, and underneath it all, I was miserable. Empty. Vapid. When I wasn't at home browsing the internet, I would show up to one or two facebook parties and stand in the corner the whole night, desperately hoping someone would take notice of me. My memory of it is so much worse than what I've written - it's so difficult for me to express accurately - but this is all I'm capable of really giving you. I was a piece of shit. This whole complex sort of started when I was 15, and was spending my vacation with an SLI cousin who encouraged me to start flirting with girls and become more social...and I just went off the deep end at some point. I was never the person I saw myself being in my head - I was shy, undisruptive, reserved, needy, avoidant, willing to please (I used to get people's lunches), easily distraught by rejection, yearned for what I perceived to be genuine relationships and felt empty in group atmospheres. I took anxiety meds and burst into tears in my doctor's office when I first went to get a prescription. I was too anxious to really speak to anyone most of the time, and when I wasn't, I'd try too hard.

    About a year ago I posted a video of myself on another typology forum where I was misinterpreted a bit and people concluded that I was an ISFP because I seemed quiet, sensitive, Fi-valuing, and not as manic on camera as they were expecting an ENFP to be. From then on, I started to milk my reservedness, became calmer, more self-correcting, stopped spending time around people who didn't value me, learned to enjoy my own company, developed principles, sorted out my priorities to a certain extent, did things I genuinely enjoyed. In a way it felt right. As if this were an aspect of myself that I was neglecting the whole time, and it was, to a certain extent. I eventually into Socionics and took up SEI, and eventually ESI, introjected a bunch of those traits..I started to feel purposeful, composed, consistent, practical, present-focused, self-possessed (at times), serious, mature, organized, responsible, refined my priorities even further. It felt kind of..nice. Little bits of who I was when I was 17 would seep through every now and then though - hesitancy, silly Ne humor/comparisons/generalizations that I'd try to simmer down because I found them stupid, laziness - until I reached the point where I am now. It didn't necessarily feel like denial at the time either, it felt like it made sense at the time...but I can't really deny it anymore - I'm IEE. Ne-base at the very least. In a way, realizing that I'm an extrovert feels like a burden - there's suddenly a whole world out there, and I feel malleable. At certain points within the past year I kind of knew it what it was like to be a genuine introvert, to be able to enjoy your own company, steady, selective, priorities in mind, easily contented, having self-respect, able to filter things out and having a narrow scope of focus. I became so adjusted to it over the course of the past year and I'm at a loss now. Too much has changed. How much of it will stick? How long until that's gone completely? I liked being that way.


    I don't really know how to expand on this any further. I feel blank. I don't know where to go from here. I have no internal reference to really go off of, and I guess in retrospect, I never have. When it wasn't Typology, it was sleazy things like pick-up. That's my life story. I'm noone. It's refreshing in a way since I'm finally looking at my life objectively, and how this current phase in my life connects to everything else, but it's incredibly disorienting... Am I just supposed to regress back into who I was at 17, when I was arguably acting more 'genuine' personality-wise, or should I continue on with the lessons that I've learned in the past year..as a result of mistyping as a Fi-base? Who am I throughout all this? How do I live with the fact that I probably would've continued with those beliefs, if I hadn't gotten into Myers-Briggs/Socionics in the first place? Would I have ever questioned it? It's awful to think about. I realize how pathetic and petty my whole situation is, and it only proves how empty and vapid I am as a person in general, regardless of whatever 'growth' I've had as a result of a mistype, but I'm just done...I have no airs about this anymore. I'm a shitty person. I'm dumb. Dull. Sleazy. A baby. A troll. I wonder if I'm even Fi-valuing because of show shameless and tactless I've been.
    Last edited by suedehead; 06-24-2014 at 11:26 PM.

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    ■■■■■■ Radio's Avatar
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    *hug*

    i wish i could help.

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    You have been very persistant in searching for answers about your type and in the process are being honest with yourself. I hope you won't become discouraged in your process of self discovery. Hugs from me, too.
    @Animal used to have this quote for a signature. It has helped me be more at peace with myself.

    “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”*
    -Rainier Maria Rilke
    Last edited by Iris; 06-24-2014 at 11:31 PM.
    You seek a great fortune, you three who are now in chains. You will find a fortune, though it will not be the one you seek.
    But first you must travel a long and difficult road, a road fraught with peril.
    You shall see things, wonderful to tell. You shall see a... cow... on the roof of a cotton house. And, oh, so many startlements.
    I cannot tell you how long this road shall be, but fear not the ob-stacles in your path, for fate has vouchsafed your reward.
    Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them, even unto your salvation
    .


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pukq_XJmM-k

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    Everything I can think to say is a cliche projection. I promise you wont have this problem forever. Unless maybe you die in two days or something.

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    Step 1: Move on: Options include: Meet a girl, get a new cool hobbie, take up drinking, become studious.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    I've beat this topic to death at this point, I realize that. I admit that I sought sympathy before, but at this point, I just want a practical solution to this. I feel that I haven't been candid enough about just how drastically m perception of self has changed over the past couple of years since getting into typology.
    Here goes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    When I first got into typology I was 17/18 and initially identified as IEE. At that point I was overcompensating pretty hard...and I've tried to suppress any memory of it, but there's plenty of evidence of it online throughout various forums. I was into bodybuilding, I read pick-up articles and posted on the bodybuilding forum, I would show off how 'pragmatic' and socially-darwinian I was during political discussions in class even though I didn't know shit, I bragged (online) about my looks, how I 'deserved' more female attention, how shallow I was, how well I supposedly dressed. Every other day I'd come up with some sleazy idea about becoming a finance executive, a model, a director, a filmmaker, or a lawyer in order to fulfill some fantasy I had, and I guess to make up for my 'failures' in highschool. I left my girlfriend about a week after losing my virginity to her and thought it was cool and someone told me I should. I may as well have been a closeted male stereotype. I was never smart enough to figure out how stupid I was. It's all pretty sad to look back on, and underneath it all, I was miserable. Empty. Vapid. When I wasn't at home browsing the internet, I would show up to one or two facebook parties and stand in the corner the whole night, desperately hoping someone would take notice of me.
    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    My memory of it is so much worse than what I've written - it's so difficult for me to express accurately - but this is all I'm capable of really giving you.
    There is a future to give, and a you in the present. "Was", and all variants thereof, is the most important part to keep in mind. Everyone's first few months involved them shitting in clothing they could never pick out in the first place, nor put on their own body. You grow from that. You get better.

    To hell with any doubts, anything in your way is wrong. Now you just have to find out what your way is. A negotiation between you and the world itself will happen, and the decision is ultimately yours. Make art for no other reason than for the same reason I look at the toilet bowl after I shit if you've got none other. Go on a run just to make yourself absolutely sure your body can move. Go towards independence in all forms. No drama queens. No expectations held to a world that'll do its thing regardless. Identification with a supposed type is small compared to identifying with being a creature that stomped on the moon of its own planet and came home perfect. As for girls, guys, any of that; anyone who's all about what you're all about will find you. Anyone else can do what they do. Look someone dead in the eyes and tell them you'll rip their spinal cord out through their asshole if they instigate any shit towards you, and laugh to yourself when their retelling of this story falls on unsympathetic ears. Get a membership to a Costco if there's one nearby, and clip out coupons for GFS sales. Food and water are the primary necessities. Mix the latter with baking soda from time to time to bring balance and harmony to your body. Remember there are established conglomerations of powers-that-be, inherently parasitic; it is good to be small sometimes. Install Linux and run torrents left and right just to let yourself know that there is something vital in the world that will never be snuffed out. Piss in a remote public location in the dark for this reason, out of sight from everyone; this will be a statement of freedom, and one with no pretense, because there is no audience except for yourself and the gestalt whole of the world. Find your style, your methodology of navigating the world, your everything, find YOU. This is what the world will get and it is irreplicable.

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    Quote Originally Posted by woofwoofl View Post
    Here goes.


    To hell with any doubts, anything in your way is wrong. Now you just have to find out what your way is. A negotiation between you and the world itself will happen, and the decision is ultimately yours. Make art for no other reason than for the same reason I look at the toilet bowl after I shit if you've got none other. Go on a run just to make yourself absolutely sure your body can move. Go towards independence in all forms. No drama queens. No expectations held to a world that'll do its thing regardless. Identification with a supposed type is small compared to identifying with being a creature that stomped on the moon of its own planet and came home perfect. As for girls, guys, any of that; anyone who's all about what you're all about will find you. Anyone else can do what they do. Look someone dead in the eyes and tell them you'll rip their spinal cord out through their asshole if they instigate any shit towards you, and laugh to yourself when their retelling of this story falls on unsympathetic ears. Get a membership to a Costco if there's one nearby, and clip out coupons for GFS sales. Food and water are the primary necessities. Mix the latter with baking soda from time to time to bring balance and harmony to your body. Remember there are established conglomerations of powers-that-be, inherently parasitic; it is good to be small sometimes. Install Linux and run torrents left and right just to let yourself know that there is something vital in the world that will never be snuffed out. Piss in a remote public location in the dark for this reason, out of sight from everyone; this will be a statement of freedom, and one with no pretense, because there is no audience except for yourself and the gestalt whole of the world. Find your style, your methodology of navigating the world, your everything, find YOU. This is what the world will get and it is irreplicable.
    This whole post is amazing . Inspired me even and I didn't even need it lol made me giggle while at it

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    I'm IEE. Ne-base at the very least. In a way, realizing that I'm an extrovert feels like a burden - there's suddenly a whole world out there, and I feel malleable. At certain points within the past year I kind of knew it what it was like to be a genuine introvert, to be able to enjoy your own company, steady, selective, priorities in mind, easily contented, having self-respect, able to filter things out and having a narrow scope of focus. I became so adjusted to it over the course of the past year and I'm at a loss now. Too much has changed. How much of it will stick? How long until that's gone completely? I liked being that way.


    I don't really know how to expand on this any further. I feel blank. I don't know where to go from here. I have no internal reference to really go off of, and I guess in retrospect, I never have. When it wasn't Typology, it was sleazy things like pick-up. That's my life story. I'm noone. It's refreshing in a way since I'm finally looking at my life objectively, and how this current phase in my life connects to everything else, but it's incredibly disorienting... Am I just supposed to regress back into who I was at 17, when I was arguably acting more 'genuine' personality-wise, or should I continue on with the lessons that I've learned in the past year..as a result of mistyping as a Fi-base? Who am I throughout all this? How do I live with the fact that I probably would've continued with those beliefs, if I hadn't gotten into Myers-Briggs/Socionics in the first place? Would I have ever questioned it? It's awful to think about. I realize how pathetic and petty my whole situation is, and it only proves how empty and vapid I am as a person in general, regardless of whatever 'growth' I've had as a result of a mistype, but I'm just done...I have no airs about this anymore. I'm a shitty person. I'm dumb. Dull. Sleazy. A baby. A troll. I wonder if I'm even Fi-valuing because of show shameless and tactless I've been.
    You're talking like you feel like you have to find your type first, and then act like the type. The real equation is this:

    Be yourself.. just the way you are.. the way that makes you happy > Type yourself

    Not

    Type yourself > Act like a "good representative" of the type.


    You aren't "supposed" to and "shouldn't" do anything. Do what makes you happy. Be whatever way you like, and don't worry about type. If you're really IEE it doesn't mean you have to be anything you think an IEE "should" be. These 8 functions (that are still only theoretical.. it's not like it's a science like the atom it's just a typology theory) don't make 1/16th of the world exactly the same. Be who you want to be and do what makes you happy, what makes you confident as a person. Only even think about typology again if you can come back to it without it affecting your sense of self-worth.

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    both sides, now wacey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    Too much has changed. How much of it will stick? How long until that's gone completely? I liked being that way.


    I don't really know how to expand on this any further. I feel blank. I don't know where to go from here. I have no internal reference to really go off of, and I guess in retrospect, I never have. When it wasn't Typology, it was sleazy things like pick-up. That's my life story. I'm noone. It's refreshing in a way since I'm finally looking at my life objectively, and how this current phase in my life connects to everything else, but it's incredibly disorienting... Am I just supposed to regress back into who I was at 17, when I was arguably acting more 'genuine' personality-wise, or should I continue on with the lessons that I've learned in the past year..as a result of mistyping as a Fi-base? Who am I throughout all this? How do I live with the fact that I probably would've continued with those beliefs, if I hadn't gotten into Myers-Briggs/Socionics in the first place? Would I have ever questioned it? It's awful to think about. I realize how pathetic and petty my whole situation is, and it only proves how empty and vapid I am as a person in general, regardless of whatever 'growth' I've had as a result of a mistype, but I'm just done...I have no airs about this anymore. I'm a shitty person. I'm dumb. Dull. Sleazy. A baby. A troll. I wonder if I'm even Fi-valuing because of show shameless and tactless I've been.
    Maybe this too is part of the process, not of becoming or knowing what you are, but the unraveling of what you are. The realization that you may never know what you are is a milestone on the path. Not even in the typology sense, but in the sense that you, me, us as people and as humans beings are a mysterious creature that might never find our centre. One tip, never run away from whatever holocaust your mind puts you through, invite it in no matter how painful. If you just keep breathing, and trust that even this confusion is necessary, that what is happening now could not have happened any other way and always trust that you will keep breathing, you will come out on the other side into a kind of peace that no longer holds so tightly to the questions anymore. Keep encouraged Suede, who knows what is happening in your heart right now, perhaps something amazing?
    "If this to end in fire, then we should all burn together. Watch the flames climb higher into the night."

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    I don't really know how to expand on this any further. I feel blank. I don't know where to go from here. I have no internal reference to really go off of, and I guess in retrospect, I never have. When it wasn't Typology, it was sleazy things like pick-up. That's my life story. I'm noone. It's refreshing in a way since I'm finally looking at my life objectively, and how this current phase in my life connects to everything else, but it's incredibly disorienting... Am I just supposed to regress back into who I was at 17, when I was arguably acting more 'genuine' personality-wise, or should I continue on with the lessons that I've learned in the past year..as a result of mistyping as a Fi-base? Who am I throughout all this? How do I live with the fact that I probably would've continued with those beliefs, if I hadn't gotten into Myers-Briggs/Socionics in the first place? Would I have ever questioned it? It's awful to think about. I realize how pathetic and petty my whole situation is, and it only proves how empty and vapid I am as a person in general, regardless of whatever 'growth' I've had as a result of a mistype, but I'm just done...I have no airs about this anymore. I'm a shitty person. I'm dumb. Dull. Sleazy. A baby. A troll. I wonder if I'm even Fi-valuing because of show shameless and tactless I've been.
    Is it a bad thing to be nobody? I always say this, but people begin and end as stories, told from within, and told from without. People fabricate what you are, and you fabricate who you are. This happens to everyone, all the time. Humanity is just a big system of dual streams of storytelling, directed within and without.

    Unfortunately, this kind of epiphanic ego death often feels bad. If you have access to a psychiatrist, talk to them about depersonalisation and how bad you feel. These things usually go hand in hand, and the mood component is treatable (the unreality is transient). If you're feeling adventurous, you can skip the doctor and self-supplement with goldenseal and st john's wort for a month for some clarity of thought.

    Anyway, you don't regress. Not entirely, and maybe not at all. What you are now is empowered with an understanding of what humans are: storytelling animals. It's not that you're in a dark place right now, it's that Earth and the heavens have dissolved and yielded their materials to you. You now have an opportunity to rebuild yourself and rebuild the way you think about the world. This is such a rare blessing! But of course it is also such an unfortunate curse.

    Believe me, I've lived with a thick, dreamlike fog hanging over my life and regularly suicidal depression all my life. When I ceased to be a desperate struggle to be a person, and became an embracing of my unreal nature as a narrative, I felt so free. Maybe I'm just wild-eyed nut. I don't know, but please, take what you will from this. I hope I've helped...

    scribbles in the dark

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    Thank you...It's always been easy for me to get caught up in envy. I guess the idea in Socionics is that you should play off your strengths, but it's hard to really see the information I provide through Ne as useful. It's like all it's good far is talking a bunch of shit about things I don't really understand from a completely sheltered perspective. You have no credentials and you're always out of your lane. A lot of it is just dumb...offensive even. Some people find you funny or 'endearing' and that's really the extent of it. You're 19 years old and people still think of you as a kid or a goofy little brother. Noone really respects you or takes you seriously. I guess I wanted to grow out of that finally.
    Last edited by suedehead; 06-27-2014 at 12:47 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    Thank you...It's always been easy for me to get caught up in envy. I guess the idea in Socionics is that you should play off your strengths, but it's hard to really see the information I provide through Ne as useful. It's like all it's good far is talking a bunch of shit about things I don't really understand from a completely sheltered perspective. You have no credentials and you're always out of your lane. A lot of it is just dumb...offensive even. Some people find you funny or 'endearing' and that's really the extent of it. You're 19 years old and people still think of you as a kid or a goofy little brother. Noone really respects you or takes you seriously. I guess I wanted to grow out of that finally.
    I'm 21 and people still think I'm a baby... and now, as I get older, I hope it stays that way for as long as it can!! lol Once you realize that 30 isn't too far off, or late 20's even, you don't think being considered young is all that bad lol

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    You're everything, what you consider bad about yourself and what you're happy with that's all you. You're fine the way you are. You're someone who strives to be a better person and that's something admirable; your imperfections are no different to anybody elses, don't be so hard on yourself.

    Being authentic and caring about being a good person makes you awesome in my book, who cares what your socionics type is.

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    Nice^
    "If this to end in fire, then we should all burn together. Watch the flames climb higher into the night."

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    you're unhealthy. eat more happy foods

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    Quote Originally Posted by divergentwacey View Post
    Maybe this too is part of the process, not of becoming or knowing what you are, but the unraveling of what you are. The realization that you may never know what you are is a milestone on the path. Not even in the typology sense, but in the sense that you, me, us as people and as humans beings are a mysterious creature that might never find our centre. One tip, never run away from whatever holocaust your mind puts you through, invite it in no matter how painful. If you just keep breathing, and trust that even this confusion is necessary, that what is happening now could not have happened any other way and always trust that you will keep breathing, you will come out on the other side into a kind of peace that no longer holds so tightly to the questions anymore. Keep encouraged Suede, who knows what is happening in your heart right now, perhaps something amazing?
    @Suedehead I wanted to learn about socionics because I was convinced it was the key to resolving some relationship issues and because I thought it might help a good friend understand herself and learn to accept herself.

    The process ended up being an unraveling indeed. And while it has been frustrating not to get resolution sooner to my original problems, the journey has been like walking through a dark night and discovering stars that have been hidden by city lights. The discovery is a beautiful process, I am glad now for the time it has taken. That time was needed to ponder, reject, accept, cry, heal. I have learned so much more about relationships and myself than I ever set out to learn.

    There are some great people on this forum who have helped me generously along the way. I am glad that we have spent this time together, rather than just me extracting information from them as quickly as possible -which was my original desire. I hope you will be able to embrace this process and find some contentment as you are learning.
    You seek a great fortune, you three who are now in chains. You will find a fortune, though it will not be the one you seek.
    But first you must travel a long and difficult road, a road fraught with peril.
    You shall see things, wonderful to tell. You shall see a... cow... on the roof of a cotton house. And, oh, so many startlements.
    I cannot tell you how long this road shall be, but fear not the ob-stacles in your path, for fate has vouchsafed your reward.
    Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them, even unto your salvation
    .


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pukq_XJmM-k

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    Thank you...It's always been easy for me to get caught up in envy. I guess the idea in Socionics is that you should play off your strengths, but it's hard to really see the information I provide through Ne as useful. It's like all it's good far is talking a bunch of shit about things I don't really understand from a completely sheltered perspective. You have no credentials and you're always out of your lane. A lot of it is just dumb...offensive even. Some people find you funny or 'endearing' and that's really the extent of it. You're 19 years old and people still think of you as a kid or a goofy little brother. Noone really respects you or takes you seriously. I guess I wanted to grow out of that finally.
    Green looks good on some people but I don't think it's your true color and you already know how my heart goes out to you.




     

    Go get 'em Tyga.




    "When I ought to be thinking of heaven he will nail me to earth"

     







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