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Thread: Living with ISFp roommate and ENTp bf

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    Post Living with ISFp roommate and ENTp bf

    I've been living with an older SEI for about a year now. We get along pretty much the way business relations get along, we spend our "in-between" time together quite pleasantly; we used to work at the same place and we would pleasantly bitch about everyone long into the night. We have similar practical interests, like trying to do as little work as possible, eating only very tasty food, making our surroundings pleasant to lounge about in. Mentally, we don't connect at all - I'm way too abstract and eccentric, she's too practical and shallow (IMO). However, maybe as a result of her being older and more experienced, I've learned a lot of useful things from her, like using resources around you to lessen your workload (she's really good at getting other people to do her work, in a sense), and I've exposed her to a lot of music and movies that she otherwise would not have heard of. In short, we understand and have respect for each other.

    Enter ILE bf.

    (Short aside: I know from the beginning that the 2 are duals, no one else knows. I've been in a situation before with an ILE f [illusionary relations with me, just like me and my bf] and an SLE m [business partner to the ILE, just like me and my roomie]. We were all good friends, and I was briefly involved with the SLE. But we had a falling out, and after the ILE told me that she couldn't stand being in the same room as me and the SLE, because we made it so awkward for everyone else with our "secret glances" and "double meanings" and generally intense interaction. I, however, wasn't aware that I was doing that at all, but I admit that we probably sort of "came to life" in each others' presence, which might have been awkward for everyone else, especially given our history. I thought it was wrong of her to kind of malign our relationship this way though, because awkward though it might have been, it was after all, a dual encounter where both parties were affected - it was almost out of our hands. Keeping all this in mind, I decide to completely withhold judgement from the case of my roomie and bf.)

    And it happened just way you would imagine - they get along right away; easy conversation; big laughs at each others' jokes; intensified conversation when I leave the room, awkward when I come back; find excuses to ask me about each other; use me as an excuse to text each other...

    Now, I don't think at all that there is anything romantic going on between them. SEI is engaged to her long-term bf, and ILE is very much into me. But everything I wrote above DOES happen, and c'mon - how often do you come across someone you get along with so well? They both feel it, I'm sure. When they're doing their thing, talking, I just kind of move into the periphery and let them have their moment, because I know how good that feels. And then SEI and I, with our handy Fe-creative, manouvre as gracefully as we can through any awkwardness.

    But the awkwardness can be killer, at times. And to witness dual interaction like this, and not have your own dual, can feel very lonely - like, these 2 people understand each other, but no one understands me not to be melancholy or anything.

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    That does sound awkward; no one likes to feel like a third wheel. Have you talked with your guy about how this makes you feel? Are you afraid their feelings could become romantic?

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    Quote Originally Posted by cherrysidecar View Post
    I've been living with an older SEI for about a year now. We get along pretty much the way business relations get along, we spend our "in-between" time together quite pleasantly; we used to work at the same place and we would pleasantly bitch about everyone long into the night. We have similar practical interests, like trying to do as little work as possible, eating only very tasty food, making our surroundings pleasant to lounge about in. Mentally, we don't connect at all - I'm way too abstract and eccentric, she's too practical and shallow (IMO). However, maybe as a result of her being older and more experienced, I've learned a lot of useful things from her, like using resources around you to lessen your workload (she's really good at getting other people to do her work, in a sense), and I've exposed her to a lot of music and movies that she otherwise would not have heard of. In short, we understand and have respect for each other.

    Enter ILE bf.

    (Short aside: I know from the beginning that the 2 are duals, no one else knows. I've been in a situation before with an ILE f [illusionary relations with me, just like me and my bf] and an SLE m [business partner to the ILE, just like me and my roomie]. We were all good friends, and I was briefly involved with the SLE. But we had a falling out, and after the ILE told me that she couldn't stand being in the same room as me and the SLE, because we made it so awkward for everyone else with our "secret glances" and "double meanings" and generally intense interaction. I, however, wasn't aware that I was doing that at all, but I admit that we probably sort of "came to life" in each others' presence, which might have been awkward for everyone else, especially given our history. I thought it was wrong of her to kind of malign our relationship this way though, because awkward though it might have been, it was after all, a dual encounter where both parties were affected - it was almost out of our hands. Keeping all this in mind, I decide to completely withhold judgement from the case of my roomie and bf.)

    And it happened just way you would imagine - they get along right away; easy conversation; big laughs at each others' jokes; intensified conversation when I leave the room, awkward when I come back; find excuses to ask me about each other; use me as an excuse to text each other...

    Now, I don't think at all that there is anything romantic going on between them. SEI is engaged to her long-term bf, and ILE is very much into me. But everything I wrote above DOES happen, and c'mon - how often do you come across someone you get along with so well? They both feel it, I'm sure. When they're doing their thing, talking, I just kind of move into the periphery and let them have their moment, because I know how good that feels. And then SEI and I, with our handy Fe-creative, manouvre as gracefully as we can through any awkwardness.

    But the awkwardness can be killer, at times. And to witness dual interaction like this, and not have your own dual, can feel very lonely - like, these 2 people understand each other, but no one understands me not to be melancholy or anything.
    I think it's awesome you're confident enough to handle that..I feel like I would be jealous and would crumble and break up with the dude. I can't stand feeling like I'm not the better choice for someone. If there's a chance a person could have a better life with someone else, I always end it... but mostly because I hate feeling like the third wheel, especially when I'm the girlfriend.

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    Quote Originally Posted by PistolShrimp View Post
    That does sound awkward; no one likes to feel like a third wheel. Have you talked with your guy about how this makes you feel? Are you afraid their feelings could become romantic?
    I haven't talked to him, he would just laugh. He doesn't take socionics seriously lol. I don't think there's a chance of anything romantic bc she's older and in a different phase of her life; her fiancee is extremely wealthy and she's gonna move out soon to live with him.

    We had sort of a going away party for her, and ILE very nearly made a fool of himself that night, trying to get her in the conversation, trying to get her to have a drink, trying to get her to do hookah. And I definitely caught them trying to catch each others' glance, after he had done something silly, or she had said something funny.. jesus, it really was as bad as my friend made it seem back then...

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    Quote Originally Posted by blackburry View Post
    I think it's awesome you're confident enough to handle that..I feel like I would be jealous and would crumble and break up with the dude. I can't stand feeling like I'm not the better choice for someone.
    Lol, I guess this is a compliment, thanks. But like I said before, I don't have an actual fear of them getting together, it's just too implausible. Also I knew what to expect beforehand, so I was more or less prepared. If I didn't know anything about socionics and had to go through all this, I would definitely WTF all over both of them.

    If there's a chance a person could have a better life with someone else, I always end it... but mostly because I hate feeling like the third wheel, especially when I'm the girlfriend.
    This is something which I actually think about more than the possibility of them getting together. In theory, I agree with you but in real life I really don't see how this would work out. For example, my roommate doesn't really have too great of a relationship with her fiancee, who is very wealthy and who I suspect is ESE or LSE. She's been trying to get him to marry her for a while, and he's always tried to postpone it indefinitely. Probably because they have petty fights all the time, and he doesn't exactly think of her as the girl of his dreams (he told her that while she is a beautiful girl, he isn't fully physically attracted to her). Also she will have to change her lifestyle quite a bit since she is marrying into such a wealthy family. She might actually be much happier with *my* ILE, they have a great infantile-caretaker thing going on.

    But what's she gonna do, marry a guy 5 years younger than her, who makes about 1/1000th the income of her fiancee? No way.

    And the meantime, my bf and I like each other a lot, still.

    The idea of duals complicates everything, if you ask me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by cherrysidecar View Post
    But what's she gonna do, marry a guy 5 years younger than her, who makes about 1/1000th the income of her fiancee? No way.
    I don't know the situation that well and I really don't want to fan the flames of any sort of doubt, but is the above really that implausible? [In the interests of self disclosure, I am a dude and therefore socially not very conditioned to view age or wealth as being important in a partner or something.]

    Anyhow that's just a general thought on my part, you know 'em both so if that's something she really wouldn't be into then hey no arguments from this guy.

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    Quote Originally Posted by cherrysidecar View Post
    But what's she gonna do, marry a guy 5 years younger than her, who makes about 1/1000th the income of her fiancee? No way.
    Setting aside the whole duality business, and the fact that this is *your* boyfriend, well, yeah, why the hell not? Five years is not so much, and marrying for money, especially in light of his lack of physical attraction to her and them arguing pointlessly, is absolutely ignorant. She might as well consult a good divorce lawyer in advance--I'm not kidding.
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    My comments were soconics aside. If I saw the person I was with trying to impress another chick all night or both of them trying to catch each other's glances, I'd have to end it. That would weird me out, whether knowing about "duality" or not. But a huge part of that may be because I have been cheated on before so I tend to look out for any red flags.

    CONFIM has a good point..the roommate and her fiance sound like a horrible match.

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    I have the personal belief that feelings/thoughts that get repressed stew and build into something greater and more dangerous as time progresses. I would say something about how i feel, if i was in your situation. Setting the precedent that you won't say something in that type of awkwardness is an open invitation to push that boundary. It only gets worse.

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    Quote Originally Posted by blackburry View Post
    I think it's awesome you're confident enough to handle that..I feel like I would be jealous and would crumble and break up with the dude. I can't stand feeling like I'm not the better choice for someone. If there's a chance a person could have a better life with someone else, I always end it... but mostly because I hate feeling like the third wheel, especially when I'm the girlfriend.
    I was going to say, if i were in that situation i would be making plans to move out so the ILE bf wouldn't have any more opportunities to dualize with the SEI. But sounds like the SEI is moving out soon anyway..
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    Quote Originally Posted by cherrysidecar View Post
    I haven't talked to him, he would just laugh. He doesn't take socionics seriously lol. I don't think there's a chance of anything romantic bc she's older and in a different phase of her life; her fiancee is extremely wealthy and she's gonna move out soon to live with him.

    We had sort of a going away party for her, and ILE very nearly made a fool of himself that night, trying to get her in the conversation, trying to get her to have a drink, trying to get her to do hookah. And I definitely caught them trying to catch each others' glance, after he had done something silly, or she had said something funny.. jesus, it really was as bad as my friend made it seem back then...
    I hope you don't mean he'd laugh at you for expressing how his behavior with this woman makes you feel (keeping Socionics out of it). You need to tell him.

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    Ugh yes I know this feeling. I work with my boyrfriend (identicals) and he has to spend a lot of time with a female dual on work-related projects. Now she is only recently married and 10 years older...so things don't all align up (as he wants a family etc etc pretty sure she wouldnt want that)...but still there is chemistry there, and she will go to his office for extended periods of time etc etc. It's pretty hard to take as she can make him laugh in a way I can't and yeh it's not the most comforting feeling. Knowing the dynamics, having been in a duality relationship myself, it's hard to watch.

    I wish duality didn't exist sometimes. It feels like I'm powerless and have to watch it unfold before my eyes.

    I guess I'll have to wait for my dual to come along ugh.

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    Quote Originally Posted by octo View Post
    Argh. There are a lot of anecdotes here about how people who have never had dual relationships before suddenly leave (or are incredibly tempted to leave) long-term partners, families, children etc. after meeting their dual, or finding out that 1/16th of the population can have that sort of interaction with them. Basically, don't encourage him to learn socionics, because there's usually a long initial phase of dual-enrapturement before people new to socionics realise that other personality and life circumstances often dictate compatibility more than just being duals.
    This is kinda news to me that dual-enrapturement happens to people other than IEIs, lol.

    I'm curious though - how do you feel about it? I ask because when I learned socionics, I was single, and basically I wouldn't consider giving the time of day to anyone who wasn't at least beta. Do you have that perfectionist instinct too? Or has your past experience with SLEs quashed that issue? (Sorry if this is too personal, feel free to not answer)
    Theoretically, I'm still very much dual-enraptured, but realistically I've gone to the other extreme, of sticking with what I've got. That's unusual for me, I feel like I might be trying to act like an SLE in this area as a personal defense.

    I'm not necessarily looking for other Betas though, bc I've figured out that it's Ti-creative and an extraverted ego that really gets me - so basically, XLEs. I can't be with rationals for too long without getting into trouble. I guess that means I don't have the perfectionist instinct?

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    Quote Originally Posted by CONFIMED View Post
    Setting aside the whole duality business, and the fact that this is *your* boyfriend, well, yeah, why the hell not? Five years is not so much, and marrying for money, especially in light of his lack of physical attraction to her and them arguing pointlessly, is absolutely ignorant. She might as well consult a good divorce lawyer in advance--I'm not kidding.
    Lol yea, at least she will have some awesome wedding parties though, which my bf can't give her...

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    Quote Originally Posted by shakealittle View Post
    I wish duality didn't exist sometimes. It feels like I'm powerless and have to watch it unfold before my eyes.

    I guess I'll have to wait for my dual to come along ugh.
    Yeah. This is like the bane of socionics, the price you have to pay for all the other knowledge it gives.

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    Quote Originally Posted by cherrysidecar View Post
    But what's she gonna do, marry a guy 5 years younger than her, who makes about 1/1000th the income of her fiancee? No way.
    Sure, happens more then often after the divorce.

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    This thread scares me and makes me sad lol =[

    Honestly I would be FREAKING out in your position. I'm a paranoid likely EIE though so heh... Duals for me seem to be less "enrapturing" than I guess, comforting? Maybe they just like having the person around in their life. Find out if they're physically attracted to one another though.


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    So, uhm, I mean, what exactly is the deal here? Do they want to move in together? In that case, maybe you can (if you live in the same city or such) exchange your room with the ILE's room?

    This is something which I actually think about more than the possibility of them getting together. In theory, I agree with you but in real life I really don't see how this would work out. For example, my roommate doesn't really have too great of a relationship with her fiancee, who is very wealthy and who I suspect is ESE or LSE. She's been trying to get him to marry her for a while, and he's always tried to postpone it indefinitely. Probably because they have petty fights all the time, and he doesn't exactly think of her as the girl of his dreams (he told her that while she is a beautiful girl, he isn't fully physically attracted to her).
    And people call such a thing a "relationship"? Honestly, I'm a bit of a megalomaniac and thus maybe my view is skewed, but if my girlfriend were to ever say something like that she'd likely never talk to me thereafter.
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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    So, uhm, I mean, what exactly is the deal here? Do they want to move in together? In that case, maybe you can (if you live in the same city or such) exchange your room with the ILE's room?

    There is no issue, per say. I was just sharing my experience of intertype relations where someone close to me has a dual, and I do not. Has this happened to you?

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    Quote Originally Posted by octo View Post
    Do you have that perfectionist instinct too?
    Perfectionist instinct in what sense?

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    Me and my SEI roommate smoke pot and have sex sometimes. But mostly we have vicious arguments over finances and who has more moral decadence.
    "We have no compassion and we ask no compassion from you. When our turn comes, we shall not make excuses for the terror.".

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    How is SLI-SEI sex btw?

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    Quote Originally Posted by lemontrees View Post
    How is SLI-SEI sex btw?

    If the SEI is a man and the SLI a woman, the former penetrates the latter.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grandpa Rob View Post
    Me and my SEI roommate smoke pot and have sex sometimes. But mostly we have vicious arguments over finances and who has more moral decadence.
    oh god yea we have the vicious finances and moral decadence bitch fights too - sometimes in the form of extreme freeze-out, and occasionally verbal shit-slinging.
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    Quote Originally Posted by lemontrees View Post
    How is SLI-SEI sex btw?
    A fun night.
    "We have no compassion and we ask no compassion from you. When our turn comes, we shall not make excuses for the terror.".

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    Quote Originally Posted by cherrysidecar View Post

    But the awkwardness can be killer, at times. And to witness dual interaction like this, and not have your own dual, can feel very lonely - like, these 2 people understand each other, but no one understands me not to be melancholy or anything.
    aww.....

    We have three SLE duals you can have In fact, I would take all three if I were you.

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