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Thread: Can you feel smothered by a dual-seeking function?

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    Default Can you feel smothered by a dual-seeking function?

    I've been staying with a few family members, and while I appreciate their hospitality in general and it feels a bit wrong to complain at all, I find the constant checking-in on my Si-state really ​draining and redundant (the family members I'm staying with seem Delta), like it's literally all they ever talk about with me, with each other. Its almost like they're assuming that I'm completely helpless. All that extraneous gives me a claustrophobic feeling. It Is that normal?

    There was also an Alpha SF aunt who insisted that we play some bizarre Si game and did a bunch of other things that made me uncomfortable like commenting on my food while I'm eating it, constantly asking me if I'm enjoying it while trying to gauge the reaction on my face to whatever it was I was eating, being overly enthusiastic about the entire process of eating, etc. I didn't vibe with it at all and I really just wanted to eat my food. On our way to the hospital, she also insisted that we take the paths that were 'pleasant' as opposed to the ones that would get us to our destination, which I couldn't help but roll my eyes at. My interactions with her in general rubbed me the wrong way, probably because of the magnitude of what was going on at the time. Her attitude and behavior throughout the whole thing just seemed really inappropriate to me and I had to hold my tongue so many times around her.
    Last edited by suedehead; 06-14-2014 at 02:40 PM.

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    well, when someone's not leaving you any breathing space any person might feel smothered... I wouldn't necessarily associate it with the dual-seeking function being provided by the person who is "smothering" you, especially if the person is elderly - I mean there is an ongoing joke along the lines "do you know who is a real tough one? the person who manages to persuade his grandma to believe that he's not hungry" lol

    but.. having said that (and I'll play along with stereotypes here) I feel embarassingly giddy when someone makes me tea*, wraps me up in a blanket, pays attention to whether I am cold or not**, looks at me and says "you're sleepy, here go lie down in this room, here's the blanket - have a nap dear", provides me a meal - all this makes me feel really happy and there isn't a part of me shouting inside "no, no! I want to do it myself". But once I've eaten I don't like smn forcing even more food towards me (happens with ESE and LSE women I know). At some point a "no" is a "no". There's a level of care that shouldn't be provided by adults to adult imo, but to small children - it starts when smn starts ignoring your free will and assuming "they know better".

    Idk if this helps, but that's my take on the subject.

    *and by embarassingly giddy I mean - I still remember and can visualise a guy I had a crush on at high school when he just asked me for help with homework and the first thing he did when we entered his home was heading to the kitchen and making me a sandwich (I even remember it was with a pickle and he made me tea), I still can visualise and ex boyfriend telling me to sit down on a sofa when I was feeling a bit under the weather and going to the kitchen and making me tea - it is ridiculous how happy can smn make me by doing just this - bringing me a sandwich and making me tea
    **my husband bought me a feet warmer (sth akin to an electric blanket) - when in winter I come home a bit cold he checks my feet and takes the warmer out of the closet and puts it on my feet, wraps me in a blanket, makes tea... - heaven

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    suedehead's Avatar
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    I'd probably feel neutral in that situation. Lol. It wouldn't do much for me in the way you described.

    I mean, I pay attention to Si, but the minute someone else brings it up and tries to offer it as if it's really important, instead of in passing, I just feel...I don't know. Like its already too much.
    Last edited by suedehead; 06-14-2014 at 12:29 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    You see, I'd probably feel neutral in that situation. Lol. It wouldn't do anything for me.
    lol, well wait for more opinions then (that was just my take on Si-dual seeking )
    if you're considering SEE or ESI as alternatives, you might want to think how you feel when someone provides you with information on how things might develop in the future (Ni) or what is a logical solution to some issue (?Te) (yeah, I'm simplifying, I can more or less discern Ni cause it clashes with me a bit (and when my mum goes Ni on me when I'm having fun wondering about various Ne possibilities I get annoyed), but not sure what the sort of Te for dual seeking should be all about

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    oh @Suedehead P.S. I've just remembered what my SEE dad says he likes a lot about my ILI mum - that when there's a new situation ahead of him she has this ability to go online and very quickly and efficiently sift through many options and figure out if i.e. a company he wants to work with is trustworthy or what sort of doctor is the best one to go to, he explicitly said recently that it's one of the things he really likes and values in her. He said that because he is so "in the moment" and present "now" - it's really helpful that she can do this.
    When I observe him - it's like "go go go" focused on the goal, but the goal has to be tangible, attainable, not sth vaguely realistic, he prefers to focus on one option - she can provide the "sift-through" narrowing down to the option making most sense to both of them.
    Last edited by aisa; 04-08-2015 at 03:26 PM. Reason: mistype

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    You know, I've been dealing with something for the past week where I've had to take the a good chunk of the responsibility and I really would've appreciated having someone like that around.

    Anyway, thanks for the help @aisa. I'll just sit on that for a bit. If anyone else wants to chip on the topic in general (feeling overwhelmed or annoyed by a dual-seeking function), then feel free.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    You know, I've been dealing with a bit of a traumatic event for the past week where I've had to take the a good chunk of the responsibility and I really would've appreciated having someone like that around.

    Anyway, thanks for the help @aisa. I'll just sit on that for a bit. If anyone else wants to chip on the topic in general (feeling overwhelmed or annoyed by a dual-seeking function), then feel free.
    you're welcome Sueadhead

    I really hope things will soon start looking better and that the situation you mentioned gets resolved in the best way that is possible in the face of what you are dealing with

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    I find that I like the being taken care of Si-wise, but that I am uncomfortable with having to express opinion and gratitude beyond a basic level. So when someone makes me breakfast, I will first of all express happiness and I will thank the person. However, if someone looked after my Si needs and verbalized this all the time and expected me to provide verbal feedback all the time, I would get uncomfortable. I would rather reciprocate and make them something at another time or express my appreciation in other ways (show rather than tell).

    So I think this is the difference between Alpha Si and Delta Si. Delta Si has a more practical component. We take care of those needs to keep things running and functional. This does not require a lot of verbal engagement. Alpha Si wants to create a pleasant atmosphere and there needs to be the verbal reassurance that everyone is content and satisfied.

    That would be my take on it.
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    I can't offer a functional analysis like others, only personal experience on my dual-seeking function as I do not value Si.

    I find that I can be over saturated by Fi, but it takes a tremendous amount from multiple people, usually EII's. Even then, feeling like someone has my back and cares, who's regulating the undercurrent emotionally is relaxing. I do feel on my toes at times, to try and not say something too outlandish or reveal my moral ineptness, but honestly I like the pressure. It motivates me to be better. Ultimately I find it hard to be overloaded by the dual-seeking function, probably because Fi base find some enjoyment in my Te base as well so it works out nicely. That being said I do have a harder time being around EII for too long as they just seem a bit too soft to me, so the patience may be less in semi-duality relations.

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    Jesus, I hate how harsh I'm being about all this. Someone just said "you're just like your cousin ___, you don't like eating bananas". Like how am I supposed to feel about that? What am I supposed to say? Lol.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    Jesus, I hate how harsh I'm being about all this. Someone just said "you're just like your cousin ___, you don't like eating bananas". Like how am I supposed to feel about that? What am I supposed to say? Lol.
    Nothing. You can just smile and shrug.
    “Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
    ― Pablo Neruda

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    Sounds annoying but I'd rather somebody be 'too caring' then the reverse.

    Some women (and a few men) are just ... natural dote-ers. I'm not really sure there's much to say. You're not being harsh but I do kinda think it's a petty thing to complain about.

    Oh I guess it's serious in the fact like I don't think anybody really wants their independence to be taken away. That's what I hate about hospitals. They make you wear those ridiculous gowns and put you in such a passive state. It is rather creepy. Ironically, I feel 99% of nurses care about me as much as a ... I can't think of a good analogy right now.

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    Quote Originally Posted by truck View Post
    Sounds annoying but I'd rather somebody be 'too caring' then the reverse.

    Some women (and a few men) are just ... natural dote-ers. I'm not really sure there's much to say. You're not being harsh but I do kinda think it's a petty thing to complain about.

    Oh I guess it's serious in the fact like I don't think anybody really wants their independence to be taken away. That's what I hate about hospitals. They make you wear those ridiculous gowns and put you in such a passive state. It is rather creepy. Ironically, I feel 99% of nurses care about me as much as a ... I can't think of a good analogy right now.
    Yeah, I get that. It's just this minor psychological discomfort/incompatibility thing that piles up after a certain point. I figure I've just been stressed out and it's weird to have this be the only sort of feedback I'm getting from people, even if well-intentioned. This isn't supposed to be a vacation for me either, which is all I'll say about that.
    Last edited by suedehead; 06-15-2014 at 05:35 PM.

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    BUT MAYBE YOU'RE NOT IEE *echoes...*

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    (you don't give off iee vibe at all)


    (at all)


    (plus I've never met a delta Ne who doesn't love all things Si).

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    Jesus, I hate how harsh I'm being about all this. Someone just said "you're just like your cousin ___, you don't like eating bananas". Like how am I supposed to feel about that? What am I supposed to say? Lol.
    As a general rule:

    I would just say thank you if the person considered it a good thing... and fuck you, then laugh, if they didn't. I would change "fuck you" to something more appropriate depending on who said it. If it was my grandmother, she died but I use that as an example, I would tell her that was an unfair assessment and illogical, to say that I am like whoever, based on my not liking bananas. . I do not like being compared to others in general because more often than not when people are comparing you they tend to base it on things they see as negative.

    I can get testy with the Si stuff at times. I just want to tell people I'm fine now stop bugging me. If I am starving and they bring me dinner I'm cool though and if they throw a blanket over me when I am sleeping I might be grateful unless I am hot then I get irritated at them for assuming I was cold when I wasn't... This stuff gets tricky at times.

    I don't know if this is an Si thing but someone bought lean meat for me today because I won't touch anything fatty but I don't care enough to make a deal over it. I just won't eat. They noticed this and took it upon themselves to provide me with something I didn't care enough about to do for myself. It was appreciated. I got irritated at same person for telling me to just stop what I was doing because it was time to eat and I wasn't ready, yet they went on and on about it getting cold and they did this dinner just for me. I appreciate it but I didn't ask for it so I felt I had to eat when not hungry just get them off me. Sometimes I express my irritation but this time I chose to go against my sense of comfort and it sucked. I felt like I was choking the food down. Another hour and i would have enjoyed it much more.

    I hope everything is ok with you. *hugs* Sorry for my min-rant in your thread but I am also trying to figure this stuff out.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Radio View Post
    BUT MAYBE YOU'RE NOT IEE *echoes...*
    It's a hunch that I'm not comfortable shaking off entirely, since you have all those male IEEs who don't act like stereotypical NFs. I know I'm Fi-valuing, Holographic-Panoramic, and I'm not always consistent enough in my priorities, judgments and self-perception like I'd expect a rational type to be. Sometimes I can beclearheaded, while other times I feel malleable, and have been very much so in the past. IEE seems like the only reasonable way to reconcile some of my behaviors from the past, with my behavior in the present, since the latter is just a layer placed on top of what was already there. I mean, the things I do and consider to be important now, will any of that last? I can't know that for sure.
    Last edited by suedehead; 06-19-2014 at 06:36 PM.

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    (i'm not "liking" because i agree or think you're on the right track but because i relate)

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    i'm never "smothered" by Ne but sometimes it annoys me when people jump around too too much. so basically I can get really critical around a ton of Ne, even more negative than usual O__O it's like something goes off in my brain "this person is too far off the ground- must drag back!" I don't even actually feel that critical normally or believe in the stringency of the things I say during those moments.

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    LSEs drive me crazy sometimes but i dont know if i can attribute it to their Te. usually because of overbearing nitpickiness (Si creative?) or stubbornly thinking they know everything and not hearing me out (ntr or maybe ExTx?)

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    Quote Originally Posted by lungs View Post
    LSEs drive me crazy sometimes but i dont know if i can attribute it to their Te. usually because of overbearing nitpickiness (Si creative?) or stubbornly thinking they know everything and not hearing me out (ntr or maybe ExTx?)
    Ftr, my mother is ESI and she has similar problems with my LSE grandad. They´re both fairly stubborn about similar things.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    There was also an Alpha SF aunt [...] other things that made me uncomfortable like commenting on my food while I'm eating it, constantly asking me if I'm enjoying it while trying to gauge the reaction on my face to whatever it was I was eating, being overly enthusiastic about the entire process of eating, etc. [...] On our way to the hospital, she also insisted that we take the paths that were 'pleasant' as opposed to the ones that would get us to our destination [...]
    This is rather related to Fe amplified by being a woman and a host, than to Si. Can you visualize the quintessence of Delta ST being at the root of such behavior?

    Si = pleasure is flatly wrong; I'd say the most natural approach to get the right meaning of the IEs is to regularly cycle-weight all the types and compare - that's how relations between types (common and distinct functions) emerged in the first place.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    It's a hunch that I'm not comfortable shaking off entirely, since you have all those male IEEs who don't act like stereotypical NFs. I know I'm Fi-valuing, Holographic-Panoramic, and I'm not always consistent enough in my priorities, judgments and self-perception like I'd expect a rational type to be. Sometimes I can beclearheaded, while other times I feel malleable, and have been very much so in the past. IEE seems like the only reasonable way to reconcile some of my behaviors from the past, with my behavior in the present, since the latter is just a layer placed on top of what was already there. I mean, the things I do and consider to be important now, will any of that last? I can't know that for sure.
    Why don't you post a video or something? IEEs would probably be able to tell if you're one or not. Or maybe I'm full of shit. I don't know.

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    I haven't read most of the thread bc i am dead tired right now, but i just wanted to comment that I've found that I only feel smothered by my dual seeking function when it's accompanied by an unvalued function--usually Fe (in which case i'm probably feeling smothered by the unvalued function rather than the DS function).

    SiFe is a lot more smothery than SiTe.
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