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Thread: Q for Se egos - not getting the one you want

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    Nevero's Avatar
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    Default Q for Se egos - not getting the one you want

    what happens when you don't get the one you want? suppose there is somebody you really like, but all your attempts at getting them have either fallen short or weren't reciprocated. what would you think/feel about this situation? how do you explain this to yourself?

    what would be the next action you'd take? would you forget about them and move on to someone else? what do you typically do when you don't get the romantic partner that you wanted?

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    A female ESTp comes home...

    - Hey, darling, I'm home!
    - Cool!
    - Don't you want to come and give me a kiss?
    - Yeah, in a minute!
    - Is something wrong?
    - No, nothing's wrong!
    - Are you not happy to see me?
    - Of course I am happy to see you!
    - So why don't you want to come then?
    - I do, let me just finish something first!
    - Is it more important to you than me?
    - Oh, please, don't start!
    - You don't love me, I know!
    - Of course I do, don't be silly!
    - If you loved me, you wouldn't do this to me!
    - Do what?
    - This!
    - Just because I can't drop everything right this second, I don't love you?
    - Not this!
    - Then what?
    - You don't want me anymore!
    - What? Where does this come from?
    - You should know better!
    - Give me at least a hint!
    - See? Now you are mad at me too! You hate me!
    - I am not mad at you and I don't hate you! Now stop it!
    - And you don't love me either!
    - I love you, I love you, I love you! How many more times I have to say this?
    - You don't mean it!
    - I love you and I mean it! Now stop this nonsense, I have had enough of it!
    - Maybe you have had enough of me too?
    - Maybe...

    Female ESTp breaks down in tears...
    With a dose of Polr.
    Capitalism is the belief that the rich won't work hard when they don't earn enough money, and that the poor won't work hard when they earn too much.

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    Move on to her friends.

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    fka lungs ashlesha's Avatar
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    i can only remember one time this happened even though i know it had to have happened more...tbh i think i often rationalize it like "oh i was just bored anyway" or something. not that the rationalizations are completely false. easier to forget if its open and shut, but if there is ambiguity and i feel like there is hope i can lose my fucking mind.

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    I think Se + Fi egos tend not to have this problem. I can't think of an example where this has happened either. (except when I was 14 lol)

    For me the whole process is "We're compatible. You don't know it yet, but you will do." And I'm always right because, Fi. If I am wrong I'm not being very good at being me, you know.

    Beta ST's are sxc as fuck so imagine they don't have this problem either.

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    fka lungs ashlesha's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ainfigur View Post
    For me the whole process is "We're compatible. You don't know it yet, but you will do."
    yeah.

    but i'm not always right.

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    Quote Originally Posted by lungs View Post
    but i'm not always right.
    I've been wrong, and known I was wrong, but rationalized away my intuition carried on anyway. More a lack of understanding myself then a lack of understanding of others.

    Now I just trust my feelings about people. Life has been a lot easier.

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    Moderator Reficulris's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ainfigur View Post
    I've been wrong, and known I was wrong, but rationalized away my intuition carried on anyway. More a lack of understanding myself then a lack of understanding of others.

    Now I just trust my feelings about people. Life has been a lot easier.
    I'd say that fits my perception of finding the right people as well. So i'm not sure it's related to Sensing/type.
    My intuition will tell me if people are right or wrong for me (in any respect, not just love) and it only (and always) goes wrong when I ignore that intuition in favour of lust/power/money/external pressure etc.

    Always listen to that gut instinct...

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    killer wolf lemontrees's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ainfigur View Post

    For me the whole process is "We're compatible. You don't know it yet, but you will do." And I'm always right because, Fi. If I am wrong I'm not being very good at being me, you know.
    Haha, me too!

    And I'm always right because, crazyloveobsession. It makes me right *every time*.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Reficulris View Post
    I'd say that fits my perception of finding the right people as well. So i'm not sure it's related to Sensing/type.
    My intuition will tell me if people are right or wrong for me (in any respect, not just love) and it only (and always) goes wrong when I ignore that intuition in favour of lust/power/money/external pressure etc.

    Always listen to that gut instinct...
    It's the most important thing i've learnt from all this self development stuff tbh. Just trust my body and my feelings. We all posses so much intelligence outside the thinking part of our consciousness. People attach all kinds of spiritual and philosophical explanations to it, but really I think that's all it comes down too. Trusting yourself.

    Quote Originally Posted by lemontrees View Post
    Haha, me too!

    And I'm always right because, crazyloveobsession. It makes me right *every time*.
    Every time.

    edit: fucking derailing everything sorry.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ainfigur View Post
    I think Se + Fi egos tend not to have this problem. I can't think of an example where this has happened either. (except when I was 14 lol)

    For me the whole process is "We're compatible. You don't know it yet, but you will do." And I'm always right because, Fi. If I am wrong I'm not being very good at being me, you know.

    Beta ST's are sxc as fuck so imagine they don't have this problem either.
    And, if you do get the person, don't you get bored or dispassionate soon?

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    Quote Originally Posted by rosewood View Post
    And, if you do get the person, don't you get bored or dispassionate soon?
    Yeah pretty much.

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    The Soul Happy-er JWC3's Avatar
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    This generally isn't a problem. I don't "want" often however when I do, I've got a phenomenal batting average.
    Easy Day

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    netflix and don't touch me Emmym's Avatar
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    The LSIs I know seem not to want anyone, but will give those who want them a chance. If, after a while, they don't feel chemistry with this person, then casually break things off. SLEs seem much more enthusiastic, picking out those they would like to date and going for it, but as soon as they spot a deal-breaker, they revert back to being single and on the prowl. IME, Beta Se-ego men can be less aggressive than their Gamma counterparts. Gamma Se-ego males seem to have this fixation about being macho and ultra-desirable. It seems like the Fe-HA and Fe-DS in Beta Se-egos makes them want to seem dynamic, fun and strong, but also likable, so not as threatening. They can be threatening if the situation requires them to be, but their weak Fi coupled with dual-seeking Fe inclines them toward diplomacy (the latter part is something I've noticed in ILEs and LIIs as well).

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    Quote Originally Posted by lungs View Post
    i can only remember one time this happened even though i know it had to have happened more...tbh i think i often rationalize it like "oh i was just bored anyway" or something. not that the rationalizations are completely false. easier to forget if its open and shut, but if there is ambiguity and i feel like there is hope i can lose my fucking mind.
    I could've written every single thing on this, from making myself realise they weren't who I wanted to begin (and re-orient myself to another 'better' option) to not coping at all with ambiguity (will also usually result in me moving on).

    I also relate to the description which says beta STs will get bored if people are too easily won over - it my mind it's kinda like, what's wrong with the person, they must not be 'worth' that much to begin with

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    boom boom boom blackburry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ainfigur View Post
    It's the most important thing i've learnt from all this self development stuff tbh. Just trust my body and my feelings. We all posses so much intelligence outside the thinking part of our consciousness. People attach all kinds of spiritual and philosophical explanations to it, but really I think that's all it comes down too. Trusting yourself.



    Every time.

    edit: fucking derailing everything sorry.

    But how exactly do you do this? I think this is one of my biggest problems...knowing how and when to trust myself. I get crap feelings about people all the time....I like to give people the benefit of the doubt b/c if I didn't I would've bypassed a lot of people who have turned out pretty awesome...and but a lot of time it just turns crappy.

    I get bored with people pretty easily esp if there's incompatibility.
    and if there's not incompatibility...I end up thinking about how everything usually turns to shit anyways. might be a self-fulling prophecy. who knows.


    what happens when you don't get the one you want? suppose there is somebody you really like, but all your attempts at getting them have either fallen short or weren't reciprocated. what would you think/feel about this situation? how do you explain this to yourself?

    what would be the next action you'd take? would you forget about them and move on to someone else? what do you typically do when you don't get the romantic partner that you wanted?
    When this does happens, and it's happened to me...I get pretty bummed out. esp if I actually tried to get their attention and/or flat out told them I was interested. Eventually you have to kind of let it go..shrug it off...but while it's happening and a few days after..I feel kinda shitty about myself for a bit...and/or wonder WHY they don't like me back..since it's so rare I actually like someone. I've even gone so far as to ask why. the answers I've gotten in return were usually that they were interested in someone else. (and these have ended up contacting me after the someone else didn't work out..to which I say..aw...too bad. not interested anymore). or... they simply think I'm not optimistic/smiley enough (I've gotten this before once). I tend to have the mindset of when I really like someone of "you may not like me now..but you will" which is what ainfigure said... but that's definitely hasn't worked out that way. My ex of four years actually dumped me our first few dates...because he said I was too awkward. but. then I left him alone for a bit and he asked me out again (should've said no).

    anyways. people have their own reasons. and it sucks. even with rationalizing, i still feel shitty after really liking someone and when they don't like me back.

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    Quote Originally Posted by blackburry View Post
    But how exactly do you do this?
    I describe it here as trusting my feelings but really I think it's about thinking in a way that minimizes cognitive dissonance. Like when your emotional and intellectual self are working in harmony rather than against each other. Usually in this state I make the best judgments about people and situations and i'm at my most confident. Getting there is probably different for everyone though, so I can't really answer this.

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    The Soul Happy-er JWC3's Avatar
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    @Ainfigur What's your self typing?
    Easy Day

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    Quote Originally Posted by JWC3 View Post
    @Ainfigur What's your self typing?
    I'm conflicted. When I was posting in this thread I was thinking I was ESI, but things don't add up. I'm more likely a logical type trying to be more ethical then the other way round.

    edit: I wish I was an Esfp though for it's worth.
    Last edited by Ainfigur; 06-07-2014 at 12:18 AM.

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    ... EVEN MORE DERAILMENT!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by Ainfigur View Post
    I'm conflicted. When I was posting in this thread I was thinking I was ESI, but things don't add up. I'm more likely a logical type trying to be more ethical then the other way round.

    edit: I wish I was an Esfp though for it's worth.
    from what you said in my article post you are most likely Ni ego id say really get to understand Te and Fe and decide which if more prevalent in your everyday life shouldn't be too hard imo do you like order or fun (kinda vague but point is i would focus on understanding those functions if i were you) and if you are an underdeveloped introvert dont be to critical of your aptitude with the functions im still getting the hang of Ti

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    The Soul Happy-er JWC3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ainfigur View Post
    I'm conflicted. When I was posting in this thread I was thinking I was ESI, but things don't add up. I'm more likely a logical type trying to be more ethical then the other way round.

    edit: I wish I was an Esfp though for it's worth.
    Okie doke, just wondering :]
    Easy Day

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