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EIIs: Dealing with disappointments
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Last edited by Skepsis; 09-05-2015 at 03:02 AM.
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Last edited by Skepsis; 09-05-2015 at 03:02 AM.
I feel the same way. I feel as if I wasn't that important. My sister will cancel going shopping with me but will show off something she purchased when she found the time to go on her own. I just feel that I want her personal input on aesthetic things and she can't make the time for me but does for herself. Kind of selfish i know. There are a lot of people like that I've learned. People who don't consider your own sense of importance rather assert their own desires. Sad. It makes me feel angry , sad, disappointed, low, all kinds of things but I as the feelings are controlled by higher brain activity such thoughts as that she isn't doing this to hurt me but pursues her sense of internal comfort, that material things aren't as important as other things, that things will work out, I begin to feel at peace and forgiveness with it so the emotion doesn't burn for a long time. Betrayal and treason are feelings that are more permenant with me. Nothing so sad as having invested trust in someone who burns you. That shows a moral quality in the individual that is shameful, childish, uncaring. Nothing is more sad than a person who claims to befriend you and doesn't act like it.
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Dual type(as per tcaudilllg)
Enneagram 5 (wings either 4 or 6)?
I'm constantly looking to align the real with the ideal.I've been more oriented toward being overly idealistic by expecting the real to match the ideal. My thinking side is dominent. The result is that sometimes I can be overly impersonal or self-centered in my approach, not being understanding of others in the process and simply thinking "you should do this" or "everyone should follor this rule"..."regardless of how they feel or where they're coming from"which just isn't a good attitude to have. It is a way, though, to give oneself an artificial sense of self-justification. LSE
Best description of functions:
http://socionicsstudy.blogspot.com/2...functions.html
I am not EII, but in case this might be a Delta NF related thing, it depends on why people back out, how they communicate it to me, and how concerned they are about the consequences for me. If they seem to back out because they have better things to do or have lost interest, I am hurt and will sort of suffer in silence for a bit. If they have a good reason to back out, but show no concern about the consequences for me (even if it is just my disappointment), same as above. If they back out, communicate it in a way that shows that it is not me and/or if they try to come up with an alternative or at least help me come up with an alternative, it is fine (I understand that sometimes circumstances or even moods change, but work with me!). If they back out and leave me hanging with the consequences, I will be hurt and retreat, too. Depending on how important the plan was, I might retreat from the friendship entirely if I get the sense that they backed out for selfish reason and with little to no concern about how that affects me, make no attempt at making alternative plans, and/or make no attempt at fixing what might have been screwed up for me.Originally Posted by Jimmers
So it is not really the change of plan that is the deal breaker, but how it is handled.
Last edited by Kim; 05-18-2014 at 09:51 PM.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.”
― Anais Nin
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Last edited by Skepsis; 09-05-2015 at 03:03 AM.
Me too. I find it very hard when people back out of plans with me. Even if it is just by accident or for a reason. I feel that if they really liked me, they should make it their priority to see me
True I always say this!!
I am not EII but I have a family member who is and when I cancel plans she pouts and gives me the silent treatment then tells me I am selfish. In return I tell her she is selfish and thinks the world revolves around her and her plans and maybe I have things I prefer to do on my own. She questions me wanting to be around her and I question her self proclaimed compassion and empathy which she seems to lack when it comes to understanding how others feel..
I wish I could just tell her no I don't want to do this or that but she is so pushy and won't take no for an answer so I end up giving a maybe. When it is reversed and people break plans with me I am usually relieved and like to think they knew I didn't want to do whatever anyway. She and I go back and forth when I don't do what she wants me to do... pointing out each others bad traits until we make up. She is so controlling though and I don't get her disappointment in others and why she takes it personally if someone would rather do something else. I don't mind getting together with her for lunch or even a movie but the things she tries to get me to do I don't want to do. It's stressful to have someone like that close to you because no matter what you say or do they take it personal. I like to shop alone usually without someone chattering about what they like and what they want. It is all about her when we shop together. Sorry for the incoherent rant. This thread irks me a little.
Edit: If I feel disappointed in someone or something I look at my own expectations which usually stops me from placing the blame on the other. I know I can't expect everyone to want the same things I do or act the same way I act. The statement above about people only considering their own desires and not making you important (paraphrased) well isn't that what you are doing when you expect someone to do something with or for you when they don't feel like it?
Edit2: My family and friends know they can count on me when it counts though. In an emergency they call me to pick up the kids from school or babysit, whatever and they know I would not try to get out of something like that.
Last edited by Aylen; 05-19-2014 at 07:39 PM.
“My typology is . . . not in any sense to stick labels on people at first sight. It is not a physiognomy and not an anthropological system, but a critical psychology dealing with the organization and delimitation of psychic processes that can be shown to be typical.” —C.G. Jung
@Aylen, why do you make plans with her in the first place if you know you do not want to follow through? Why not tell her right out you would rather do things on your own? Just curious.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.”
― Anais Nin
I do tell her no but she won't have it. It is more like she tells me what we are going to do and even if I have other plans she will want me to break them. Not sure if you saw what I added above but when she calls me in an emergency I drop everything and help her out. She does the same for me in an emergency. It is the superficial stuff that causes problems. Like I won't want to lay on the beach for hours scorching my skin (I have a mild sun allergy and I have to tan slowly so I gave it up) and she wants me to go knowing I can't take it physically or mentally because I get bored. She wants me to put on sunscreen and lay there because the "sun's energy is healing" she says...or she will want me to take some meditation or holistic health classes when I don't want to. She thinks these things will help me in some way so it silly things like that. She thinks if I try it I will like it...but I don't have to try everything to know I won't like it.
“My typology is . . . not in any sense to stick labels on people at first sight. It is not a physiognomy and not an anthropological system, but a critical psychology dealing with the organization and delimitation of psychic processes that can be shown to be typical.” —C.G. Jung
It's interesting but I think that INFjs expect so much from themselves that they sometimes expect it of others too. It's not healthy I know. And also, I think that their Fi can become unbalanced and too dominant, that they do not consider anything else but how they feel. It's totally annoying, and it happens to me...My good LSE friend always tells me when to stop expecting so much from her. She is my closest friend, so when she does something wrong boy does she get all the fire. Lol.I am not EII but I have a family member who is and when I cancel plans she pouts and gives me the silent treatment then tells me I am selfish. In return I tell her she is selfish and thinks the world revolves around her and her plans and maybe I have things I prefer to do on my own. She questions me wanting to be around her and I question her self proclaimed compassion and empathy which she seems to lack when it comes to understanding how others feel..
I wish I could just tell her no I don't want to do this or that but she is so pushy and won't take no for an answer so I end up giving a maybe. When it is reversed and people break plans with me I am usually relieved and like to think they knew I didn't want to do whatever anyway. She and I go back and forth when I don't do what she wants me to do... pointing out each others bad traits until we make up. She is so controlling though and I don't get her disappointment in others and why she takes it personally if someone would rather do something else. I don't mind getting together with her for lunch or even a movie but the things she tries to get me to do I don't want to do. It's stressful to have someone like that close to you because no matter what you say or do they take it personal. I like to shop alone usually without someone chattering about what they like and what they want. It is all about her when we shop together. Sorry for the incoherent rant. This thread irks me a little.
Edit: If I feel disappointed in someone or something I look at my own expectations which usually stops me from placing the blame on the other. I know I can't expect everyone to want the same things I do or act the same way I act. The statement above about people only considering their own desires and not making you important (paraphrased) well isn't that what you are doing when you expect someone to do something with or for you when they don't feel like it?
Edit2: My family and friends know they can count on me when it counts though. In an emergency they call me to pick up the kids from school or babysit, whatever and they know I would not try to get out of something like that.
My IEI friend that I used to be closer to often couldn't handle how Fi I was that she would get angry at me passive agressively. It was hard because I sensed the discomfort, and I felt bad but I couldn't change myself to be more "unselfish" I suppose.
That's why I don't hang out with many friends anymore. lol
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Last edited by Skepsis; 09-05-2015 at 03:03 AM.
Yeah I understand keeping a commitment. If a friend cannot pick up their kids on Friday because they have something important to do and I say I will be there I make sure I am there and I stay with them until their mom comes home. I even feed them even though I have enough trouble feeding myself.I have done this even if it wasn't important, like if my friends are getting their nails done.
If a friend tries to plan an outing with me two weeks ahead I will say maybe because I do not know if I will want to go for Thai food on that day. If I don't feel like it then I will cancel. In general they know my maybe is a no but sometimes I surprise them and go. Some things I do more spontaneously. If I wake up and want to go to a movie I ask someone that day. I prefer if people did that more. I am not good with "future pans". I tell people don't make plans and rely on me to be there and most of them respect that I am like that and unlikely to change. I try to understand that some people want to plan everything ahead and I can be like that too but usually my future plans are more theoretical.
“My typology is . . . not in any sense to stick labels on people at first sight. It is not a physiognomy and not an anthropological system, but a critical psychology dealing with the organization and delimitation of psychic processes that can be shown to be typical.” —C.G. Jung
Very resentful, possibly betrayed. Definitely take it way too personally. If there's a good reason, I'll still be sad but I'll get over it. If I feel like someone's doing it on purpose, I may begin planning "the end" so to speak, lol.
This is all very true with an EII I know.
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