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Thread: EIIs: Dealing with disappointments

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    Default EIIs: Dealing with disappointments

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    Last edited by Chains; 09-05-2015 at 04:02 AM.

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    they kill themselves

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    I feel the same way. I feel as if I wasn't that important. My sister will cancel going shopping with me but will show off something she purchased when she found the time to go on her own. I just feel that I want her personal input on aesthetic things and she can't make the time for me but does for herself. Kind of selfish i know. There are a lot of people like that I've learned. People who don't consider your own sense of importance rather assert their own desires. Sad. It makes me feel angry , sad, disappointed, low, all kinds of things but I as the feelings are controlled by higher brain activity such thoughts as that she isn't doing this to hurt me but pursues her sense of internal comfort, that material things aren't as important as other things, that things will work out, I begin to feel at peace and forgiveness with it so the emotion doesn't burn for a long time. Betrayal and treason are feelings that are more permenant with me. Nothing so sad as having invested trust in someone who burns you. That shows a moral quality in the individual that is shameful, childish, uncaring. Nothing is more sad than a person who claims to befriend you and doesn't act like it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmers View Post
    How do EIIs deal being disappointed by others, such as when people back out of commitments they make or change plans they made with you? Personally, I often feel angry and resentful, and may show it non verbally. I have a hard time telling people how resentful I may be. It hurts feeling brushed aside and made to feel less important than whatever else they decided to do. To me, love must be demonstrated.
    I am not EII, but in case this might be a Delta NF related thing, it depends on why people back out, how they communicate it to me, and how concerned they are about the consequences for me. If they seem to back out because they have better things to do or have lost interest, I am hurt and will sort of suffer in silence for a bit. If they have a good reason to back out, but show no concern about the consequences for me (even if it is just my disappointment), same as above. If they back out, communicate it in a way that shows that it is not me and/or if they try to come up with an alternative or at least help me come up with an alternative, it is fine (I understand that sometimes circumstances or even moods change, but work with me!). If they back out and leave me hanging with the consequences, I will be hurt and retreat, too. Depending on how important the plan was, I might retreat from the friendship entirely if I get the sense that they backed out for selfish reason and with little to no concern about how that affects me, make no attempt at making alternative plans, and/or make no attempt at fixing what might have been screwed up for me.

    So it is not really the change of plan that is the deal breaker, but how it is handled.
    Last edited by Kim; 05-18-2014 at 10:51 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmers View Post
    How do EIIs deal being disappointed by others, such as when people back out of commitments they make or change plans they made with you? Personally, I often feel angry and resentful, and may show it non verbally. I have a hard time telling people how resentful I may be. It hurts feeling brushed aside and made to feel less important than whatever else they decided to do. To me, love must be demonstrated.
    Me too. I find it very hard when people back out of plans with me. Even if it is just by accident or for a reason. I feel that if they really liked me, they should make it their priority to see me

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa View Post
    I feel the same way. I feel as if I wasn't that important. My sister will cancel going shopping with me but will show off something she purchased when she found the time to go on her own. I just feel that I want her personal input on aesthetic things and she can't make the time for me but does for herself. Kind of selfish i know. There are a lot of people like that I've learned. People who don't consider your own sense of importance rather assert their own desires. Sad. It makes me feel angry , sad, disappointed, low, all kinds of things but I as the feelings are controlled by higher brain activity such thoughts as that she isn't doing this to hurt me but pursues her sense of internal comfort, that material things aren't as important as other things, that things will work out, I begin to feel at peace and forgiveness with it so the emotion doesn't burn for a long time. Betrayal and treason are feelings that are more permenant with me. Nothing so sad as having invested trust in someone who burns you. That shows a moral quality in the individual that is shameful, childish, uncaring. Nothing is more sad than a person who claims to befriend you and doesn't act like it.
    True I always say this!!

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    I am not EII but I have a family member who is and when I cancel plans she pouts and gives me the silent treatment then tells me I am selfish. In return I tell her she is selfish and thinks the world revolves around her and her plans and maybe I have things I prefer to do on my own. She questions me wanting to be around her and I question her self proclaimed compassion and empathy which she seems to lack when it comes to understanding how others feel..

    I wish I could just tell her no I don't want to do this or that but she is so pushy and won't take no for an answer so I end up giving a maybe. When it is reversed and people break plans with me I am usually relieved and like to think they knew I didn't want to do whatever anyway. She and I go back and forth when I don't do what she wants me to do... pointing out each others bad traits until we make up. She is so controlling though and I don't get her disappointment in others and why she takes it personally if someone would rather do something else. I don't mind getting together with her for lunch or even a movie but the things she tries to get me to do I don't want to do. It's stressful to have someone like that close to you because no matter what you say or do they take it personal. I like to shop alone usually without someone chattering about what they like and what they want. It is all about her when we shop together. Sorry for the incoherent rant. This thread irks me a little.

    Edit: If I feel disappointed in someone or something I look at my own expectations which usually stops me from placing the blame on the other. I know I can't expect everyone to want the same things I do or act the same way I act. The statement above about people only considering their own desires and not making you important (paraphrased) well isn't that what you are doing when you expect someone to do something with or for you when they don't feel like it?

    Edit2: My family and friends know they can count on me when it counts though. In an emergency they call me to pick up the kids from school or babysit, whatever and they know I would not try to get out of something like that.
    Last edited by Aylen; 05-19-2014 at 08:39 PM.

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    @Aylen, why do you make plans with her in the first place if you know you do not want to follow through? Why not tell her right out you would rather do things on your own? Just curious.
    “Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim View Post
    @Aylen, why do you make plans with her in the first place if you know you do not want to follow through? Why not tell her right out you would rather do things on your own? Just curious.
    I do tell her no but she won't have it. It is more like she tells me what we are going to do and even if I have other plans she will want me to break them. Not sure if you saw what I added above but when she calls me in an emergency I drop everything and help her out. She does the same for me in an emergency. It is the superficial stuff that causes problems. Like I won't want to lay on the beach for hours scorching my skin (I have a mild sun allergy and I have to tan slowly so I gave it up) and she wants me to go knowing I can't take it physically or mentally because I get bored. She wants me to put on sunscreen and lay there because the "sun's energy is healing" she says...or she will want me to take some meditation or holistic health classes when I don't want to. She thinks these things will help me in some way so it silly things like that. She thinks if I try it I will like it...but I don't have to try everything to know I won't like it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aylen View Post
    I am not EII but I have a family member who is and when I cancel plans she pouts and gives me the silent treatment then tells me I am selfish. In return I tell her she is selfish and thinks the world revolves around her and her plans and maybe I have things I prefer to do on my own. She questions me wanting to be around her and I question her self proclaimed compassion and empathy which she seems to lack when it comes to understanding how others feel..

    I wish I could just tell her no I don't want to do this or that but she is so pushy and won't take no for an answer so I end up giving a maybe. When it is reversed and people break plans with me I am usually relieved and like to think they knew I didn't want to do whatever anyway. She and I go back and forth when I don't do what she wants me to do... pointing out each others bad traits until we make up. She is so controlling though and I don't get her disappointment in others and why she takes it personally if someone would rather do something else. I don't mind getting together with her for lunch or even a movie but the things she tries to get me to do I don't want to do. It's stressful to have someone like that close to you because no matter what you say or do they take it personal. I like to shop alone usually without someone chattering about what they like and what they want. It is all about her when we shop together. Sorry for the incoherent rant. This thread irks me a little.

    Edit: If I feel disappointed in someone or something I look at my own expectations which usually stops me from placing the blame on the other. I know I can't expect everyone to want the same things I do or act the same way I act. The statement above about people only considering their own desires and not making you important (paraphrased) well isn't that what you are doing when you expect someone to do something with or for you when they don't feel like it?

    Edit2: My family and friends know they can count on me when it counts though. In an emergency they call me to pick up the kids from school or babysit, whatever and they know I would not try to get out of something like that.
    It's interesting but I think that INFjs expect so much from themselves that they sometimes expect it of others too. It's not healthy I know. And also, I think that their Fi can become unbalanced and too dominant, that they do not consider anything else but how they feel. It's totally annoying, and it happens to me...My good LSE friend always tells me when to stop expecting so much from her. She is my closest friend, so when she does something wrong boy does she get all the fire. Lol.
    My IEI friend that I used to be closer to often couldn't handle how Fi I was that she would get angry at me passive agressively. It was hard because I sensed the discomfort, and I felt bad but I couldn't change myself to be more "unselfish" I suppose.
    That's why I don't hang out with many friends anymore. lol

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    Last edited by Chains; 09-05-2015 at 04:03 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmers View Post
    It's a delicate balance between the two people in the relationship, so if I demanded too much out of them, such as demanding that they hang out with me or never allowing a change of plans, then yes, that would be selfish. However, changing your plans on a friend after making a commitment is selfish too. This is probably why I have few friends. I demand out of them what I demand from my self and most of my relationships hinge on reciprocity. Most people I interact with though are acquaintances, and I distinguish them from friends is many important ways, but one of the noticeable differences is that I wouldn't be offended if an acquaintance blew me off, as I probably didn't want to hang out with them really either. That's fine by me, but not with the few relationships I really value. They really are such a large part of my world.

    So I don't want it to seem that I'm personally being selfish. The struggles I have are with people I am extremely close to and I know them very well and they really should know better than to treat non just me, but anyone they really care about like that.

    Anyways, much of what you said makes much sense, and I agree that it does go both ways.
    Yeah I understand keeping a commitment. If a friend cannot pick up their kids on Friday because they have something important to do and I say I will be there I make sure I am there and I stay with them until their mom comes home. I even feed them even though I have enough trouble feeding myself. I have done this even if it wasn't important, like if my friends are getting their nails done.

    If a friend tries to plan an outing with me two weeks ahead I will say maybe because I do not know if I will want to go for Thai food on that day. If I don't feel like it then I will cancel. In general they know my maybe is a no but sometimes I surprise them and go. Some things I do more spontaneously. If I wake up and want to go to a movie I ask someone that day. I prefer if people did that more. I am not good with "future pans". I tell people don't make plans and rely on me to be there and most of them respect that I am like that and unlikely to change. I try to understand that some people want to plan everything ahead and I can be like that too but usually my future plans are more theoretical.

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    Very resentful, possibly betrayed. Definitely take it way too personally. If there's a good reason, I'll still be sad but I'll get over it. If I feel like someone's doing it on purpose, I may begin planning "the end" so to speak, lol.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Emmym View Post
    Very resentful, possibly betrayed. Definitely take it way too personally. If there's a good reason, I'll still be sad but I'll get over it. If I feel like someone's doing it on purpose, I may begin planning "the end" so to speak, lol.
    This is all very true with an EII I know.

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