16types Adventures: CoG Tournament

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 1: Right Timing

Glass shattered everywhere as Sam was brutally punched out of the window of an expensive apartment in New York, from his semi-boyfriend Sean.

If Sam was to participate in the Crown of Gaslighting tournament, he was going to need *lots* of practice. So that is what he was doing. Having a Shaman vs. Warrior practice battle.

The fight was scheduled to start this Winter, up north in Greenland - in a secret arena forged by the Gods that the Oldest of Jew Sages knew about. It would take some time, but Cpig with his connections would be able to rent the arena for them to use.

Oh right. Sam was so lost in his thoughts that he forgot to levitate. He levitated back up and went through the broken window. He looked at Sean.

“You know this isn’t very fair” Sam said. “You have better offensive powers than me.”

“Don’t play victim” Sean said sternly, in his sexy new york accent. “You have better healing and defensive powers than me.”

“Everybody knows you don’t heal a raid boss to death” Sam said.

“But if you juggle your healing and offensive powers right, you have a chance” Sean said. “You just uh need the right timing or somethin.”

“I have great raw ideas, but my mechanics still suck” Sam said.

Sean used his Charge ability on Sam, and knocked him out of the window again. “Yeah ya homo, why do you think we’re practicing?”

Sam sighed and levitated through the window again, more quickly and efficient this time. He shot out a bolt of shamanic lightning at Sean, but he dodged out of the way.

“You know my heart just isn’t in this” Sam said. “I never WANTED the Crown of Gaslighting. I wanted to destroy it.”

“Because you judged it as evil” Sean said. “The Crown of Gaslighting is beyond good or evil. But if you win it, I know you’ll do amazing good with it.”

“Anybody who ever thinks they can make the world a better place… it always fails” Sam said sadly.

“No. They just said that because they’re more cynical and grumpy. They don’t have your neon magic, your positivity, your gayness- nor your wonderful heart. They ain’t you. If anybody can make this stupid cruel world a better place, it’s you.”

Sam smiled. He felt so loved and inspired by that. He choked up and felt his eyes swell with tears.

Then of course, he was knocked out of the window again.

***

The Idea of Time looked back at the portal he just stepped out of.

“First things first” he said, and used his Time Magic to obliterate the portal. But this time, he reversed time to destroy it – as casting an acceleration spell on a portal would just make it more powerful. The portal vanished back into a single spark of magic – before it was finally, truly nothing.

“There. I’ll never be in *that* prison again” The Idea of Time said happily.

The Idea of Time turned back around and walked through the earth. He entered a small park. Everything felt so faded and dull to him, even as the sun was shining brightly on this warm spring day. It was like he was in an old dead painting.

He saw a little boy about five years old playing happily with a small red rubber ball, kicking it around.

“How can anybody be amused by such mundane trash?” The Idea said.

The little boy looked at the man and was scared. “My mommy said to not talk with strangers” the boy said.

The Idea just kept quiet and casually waved his hands, speeding up the boy’s age. The boy quickly transformed from a boy, to a teen, to a young adult, to a middle-aged man – and finally to an old wrinkly grandpa before he fell over and died from old age. All in a matter of seconds.

The Idea of Time moaned with a greater peace as he heard the old man’s skull falling on the dirt.

About two minutes later, the boy’s mother came up to the scene. She was horrified, seeing this strange being in front of her and then a dead old man on the floor. And she knew in her heart the dead man was her son. It was her first time seeing magic, but she was always one of the Believers.

“W-what are you.” The woman tried to whack the Idea of Time with her purse, but of course it did 0 hp worth of damage and the Idea just glared at her like she was an idiot.

“I am something far beyond your comprehension” The Idea of Time said.

“You killed my son!” the mother said, crying. She frantically reached for her cell phone and tried to call the cops.

The Idea of Time arched a brow. “Really think they can help you?” She stopped dialing the number.

“This is foul demonic magic!” the woman said. “You- you sped up time to kill him. This is unnatural… you can reverse this. Change it.”

The Idea of Time pouted sociopathically. “But… but I don’t wanna” it said.

“Why are you doing this!” the woman said.

“Because it’s just what I do” the Idea said. “You humans always need to find motivation for everything. You punish and reward people that way – based on their motivation. But killing is just what I do. It’s what I am.”

“We always have a choice!” the woman said.

The Idea shook his head. “I was killing your son from the very moment that he was born” it said. Just that when I was in that stupid prison, my powers were so fucking diluted so it happened a lot more slowly The Idea thought.

The woman thought for a moment and looked at him. “So what, you’re the very embodiment, the very notion of… of Time?”

The Idea of Time smiled. “Okay so you’re not as stupid as I thought” it said.

“Please.. please just reverse time, change him back” the woman pleaded.

“No. Why do you want him back? It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. In 80 years, he would have suffered the same fate, just like you have about 50 years left. You hold onto him for a sentimental reason but the Heart is Always broken. And I am the Original Breaker. I am natural… and pure.”

“No! You’re an evil murdering son of a bitch!”

“Everything ends” The Idea of Time said plainly like those narcissistic Hollywood writers with so much money but no heart or compassion.

“Yeah that might be true but but – it’s supposed to be gradual. It’s-“

“I was diluted for so many eras. You’re just now feeling me at my full strength” The Idea of Time said.

The woman just looked at him, not knowing what to say.

“Enough of this. I bore of you now.”

The Idea of Time reversed time on the woman, changing her from a middle aged woman, to a young adult woman, to a teenage straight female, and then a girl, then a baby girl – then back in her mother’s womb, then the very Idea of her not even constructed yet in the cosmos. And she ceased to exist, just like her son did.

“Now…” The Idea of Time said happily. “Time to do that to all things but me!”

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 2: Clone Zone

Mune stepped into his kitchen to grab a beer, he was wearing a wife beater and blue jeans. Dolphin sure picked an alpha male, even if he was a nice one.
However, to his surprise he saw a familiar foe standing in the doorway to his basement.

“Die Oprah!!!” Mune said campily, rushing over to the figure. He leaped up, hung his body on the upper frame of the door and kicked Oprah in her chest with both of his feet. She went tumbling down the stairs.

Dolphin heard the commotion from the living room and rushed to the kitchen. Oprah? Here? Attacking people right in their homes wasn’t exactly Oprah’s style dolphin thought, but she was pretty humiliated during that last boss fight. She could be desperate.

Dolphin took Mune’s hand and the couple rushed down the steps.

Only to find poor Sammy nearly unconscious, covered head to toe in nacho cheese sauce. Sam was spending the night at Mune and Dolphin’s house. He was able to quickly travel from one end of the country to the other thanks from a lift via Kim’s flying powers. He was just bringing up snacks for their gaming session, and had no idea why Mune attacked him like that.

Dolphin cast Motherly Instinct on Sam, restoring his lost hit points.

“What the hell did you do that for?” Sam asked.

Mune was confused. “It was Oprah- I swear!” he said.

Dolphin looked puzzled, and tried to think of what was going on.

Sam stood up. “I am definitely not Oprah. But maybe she’s casting some sort of confusion spell on you, to get back at us for defeating her?” Sam theorized.

It was then Dolphin saw it too. Only this time, it was different. Sam looked exactly like his boyfriend Sean. It was only for a split second, but he did it again a few seconds later.

Dolphin blinked her eyes. “Okay this is very weird. You looked just like Sean now too.” Mune nodded, for he saw the same thing.

Dolphin's voice was serious, and it was doubtful that they were both gaslighting him.

“So I looked like Oprah- then Sean? Something is very weird here.”

Sam rubbed his chin. “For answers, let’s visit the one person I know that best understands dorky superpowers.”

***

Sam, Dolphin and Mune were all in Ath’s basement. Fanzines of 16types adventures could be seen all over the carpet, as well as pokemon merchandise and magic: the gathering cards.

“gaaaaaaaay” the voice said, in a good-natured yet troll-y way. An elegant yet autistic looking nerd spun around in his computer chair to face the other three adventurers. He was wearing a gray hoodie sweater and white sweatpants.

“what the FUCK truck, why did you just change into allie for a split second. You gonna give me drugs now or somethin’?” Ath asked.

“That’s what I came to see you about” Sam said. “I seem to be randomly morphing into people, people we all know.”

Ath got up and suddenly yanked something out of Sam’s head.

“Ow” Sam said.

“sorry need hair sample” Ath said. He dropped a strand of Sam’s hair into a vial that was connected to a complex looking chemistry set.

“What are you doing?” Dolphin asked.

“testing for- oh yeah just as I thought.” Ath turned back around. “what ur going through is not an ailment but a natural progression of your abilities” Ath said. “It is the legendary ability known as ‘Empathy Clone’- allows the person to take on the form of those he has an empathetic connection with. You get 75% of their raw strength and 75% of their abilities, but if you use it too much you will start to want to kill yourself because you will lose your own identity. So be wise and cautious about its usage. It might be a little while before you can will a clone of your own, for now it seems pretty random which is completely normal for noob Empathy Clone users.” Ath blinked.

“Oh and it has a 35 mp cost” Ath finished nerdily.

“Congrats on the upgrade Sambo” Mune said. “You definitely earned your new power.”

Sam thought about something. “I’m happy, but why Oprah? I have an empathetic connection with the other people… but Oprah?”

Dolphin thought deeply for a moment. “You must feel sorry for her in some way. Having empathy even for your enemies is a true sign of heroism” Dolphin said. “You having empathy for Oprah was probably the very reason you unlocked Empathy Clone within yourself to begin with” Dolphin said.

Sam nodded. “I kicked her ass pretty hardcore, but I did feel pretty bad about it anyway” Sam said. “Maybe I should check to see if she’s alright?”

Ath rolled his eyes at Sam’s White Mana selensya guild crap that he cared NOTHING about. “you do that you gay, I’m going back to my video games.”

“Thanks Ath” Sam said. “Your extensive knowledge of rpg class roles and abilities paid off here.”

Ath stabbed Sam in his chest with his dagger of +5 Punk. “FUCK OFF you goody two shoes fag and get the fuck outta my evil lair!”

Sam cast a heal spell on his chest, and with Dolphin and Mune by his side began to walk out of Ath’s basement.

***

Sam traveled back to the scene of where he telekinetically pushed Oprah off the freeway pass. He followed the building wreckage, then found the mud pile. He followed the track of mud to where Oprah conjured the portal. But he didn’t know a portal was even summoned, just that the mud tracks mysteriously stopped here.

“Hmm” Sam said. “I suppose it makes sense, Oprah and I making peace like this. After all she couldn’t be the Big Bad forever, that would get boring. So Oprah, wherever you are- I forgive you, and I hope you can forgive me too” Sam said. He contemplatively looked up at the heavens like he was Aeris from Final Fantasy. Total Mary Sue.

Sam snapped out of it.

“Oh who am I kidding. Empathy Clone or not, I still think she’s a narcissistic, gaslighting, obnoxious pure demon bitch.”

It was then for a brief flash, Sam Empathy Cloned into Scapegrace.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 3: Nick of Time

Strrrng/Nick casually walked the alleyways of Chicago at 3 am, contemplating about the most real raw artistic thing in the world that ever existed. That one word that would shock your soul that he would then put in his online signature, like ‘carved’ or something.

His train of thought was however interrupted when he turned the corner, by none other than the Idea of Time. They just happened to intersect paths with one another.
The Idea of Time waved his hands, and instantly aged strrrng from a young adult male to old geezer.

Only it didn’t work.

Idea of Time frowned. “You’re stronger than a normal goyim. My instant death abilities don’t work on you.”

Strrrng readied out his two daggers, preparing for a battle. “yeah bitch, let’s just hope that mine work against you.”

Using his rogue magic, strrrng instantly teleported behind the Idea of Time and stabbed him in the back. It barely did any damage, but it still made the Idea of Time feel something that he had forgotten what it felt like – pain.

Okay this was the second time the Idea of Time was caught off guard. What a tricky little fucker. Strrrng then performed the ability ‘Ambush’ on the Idea of Time, a strike that had a 50% chance at killing him. He rolled a high enough dice number for the instant death portion of the ability to trigger, but the Idea of Time was immune to Nick’s instant death abilities just like he was immune to his.

The Idea of Time grabbed strrrng by the throat and held him up. “What are you?” it asked.

Nick didn't want to say. It was too campy, too cringe-worthy, too gay. “I’m a… I’m a….”

“…stab you in the fuckin neck” strrrng broke free of the Idea of Time’s grasp due to his high Strength and Agility stats, and did just that.

Idea of Time staggered backward with a dagger pierced deeply in his throat, never feeling this much pain before in his existence. “Okay, now I’m pissed off.” Even though the Idea of Time couldn't murder strrrng as easily as the others, he could still use his time powers to kill this cocky cunt. Hopefully. He pulled the dagger out of his throat and yelled out in agony.

Idea of Time then cast a Haste spell on himself, and began beating up strrrng with a flurry of punches. However to counter this, strrrng used his Rogue evasion ability.

Both Adventurer and Idea clanged blows in two grey blurry lines of light.

They were too evenly matched. It was as though IEI Nick was fighting his very own ego, since the function Ni was said to be believed related to Time.

Both tired and exhausted, strrrng and the Idea of Time parted away from each other almost instantly. Blood and scars could be seen on both men. They panted heavily while staring at each other.

“This stupid dimension…” The Idea of Time said. “…Always balances everything with such annoying subtlety.”

“Makes the juicy kill all the more worth it” strrrng said.

“It will be destroyed… in time.” See what I did there? The Idea of Time thought.

“Oh what, you’re one of those boring overly simplistic villains that plans to just kill all of reality except for yourself, right?” strrrng said. He turned his head on the street to spit up some blood.

“Exactly” the Idea of Time said. “I will be successful.”

“We’ll see about that” strrrng said.

Idea of Time looked worried. He couldn't have this kid go run off and tell anybody that he stood up against an Idea, one on one no less- and lived. That was just embarrassing. Plus he may find something that would put the Idea back in his dimensional prison.

“I may not be able to KO you in one fell swoop but I can-“

The Idea of Time focused all his power and skill, and reversed time a little bit before he encountered strrrng.

Only this time, he took a right on the sidewalk he was walking down to avoid the confrontation that he had with strrrng. It was as though strrrng never met the Idea of
Time, but the Idea of Time still had knowledge of his brief battle with strrrng.

The Idea of Time still felt the wound in his neck even though it technically never happened. He looked pissed off. “I have to find out who that boy is and how to stop people like him” it said. “I will find their Achilles’ heel… and destroy them.”