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Thread: 16types Adventures: The Crown of Gaslighting

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    Default 16types Adventures: The Crown of Gaslighting


    16types Adventures: The Crown of Gaslighting
    Story idea inspired by: @Ath



    Chapter 1: Anything For Power

    Oprah climbed the beautiful terrain of the Santa Monica Mountains in California. With her was all American blonde soccer mom Debra Voight and legendary news anchorman, Anderson Cooper. Anderson was remaining mostly quiet, filming the women whenever they had something interesting or thought-provoking to say.
    Oprah smiled into the camera. “We are here today in the faaaaabulous Santa Monica Mountains, hiking a mountain with my good friend and fan for years, Debra Voight. Debra, tell the audience why we are here today.” She said the last syllable of ‘ay’ all super masculine.

    “Well Oprah, this is the place…” she choked up. “This is the exact spot my 16-year-old son Jeremy committed suicide four years ago” Debra said, pointing to the spot he jumped off to his death from. Anderson Cooper pressed a button on his expensive camcorder to immediately play heartwarming music as soon as Debra announced that. “He’d be 20 this August.”

    Oprah put her arm around Debra’s shoulder, feigning compassion. “And why do you think he took his own life?”

    “I don’t know. He was very insecure in high school, and bullied by more popular people. Your treatment therapy team suggested he climb mountains to build his self-confidence. I g-guess he just couldn’t make it.”

    Oprah nodded. “We see Jeremy teaching the world the lesson on how powerful self-confidence can be” Oprah said. “His death will not be for naught, and may his cowardly weakness inspire others.”

    Debra shook her head. Okay this was… silly. This was her dead son she was talking about. “Cowardly weakness? Oprah – I don’t think that’s very fair.”

    Oprah held up her right hand and gave a weird gesture to Anderson, telling him to cut off the video for this part.

    Oprah looked at the woman straight in her eyes. “Debra? Your son was a weak loser who couldn’t even climb a mountain. We gave him a test and he failed. He was a pussy. I’m doing this to make the real world look like I actually give a shit about people that make way less money than me, but we all know it’s bogus right?”

    Debra started crying. “Oprah… I believed in you. You were my Hoperah. I had no idea you were so cruel.”

    Oprah raised a brow. “Ni polr will do that to you” she quipped.

    “Ni-wha?” Debra looked confused. How naïve this girl was. Oprah licked her lips. She was ripe for the picking.

    “There’s something else you should know about your son, Debra. Jeremy didn’t kill himself. I just made it look that way to the outside world. *I* was the one who killed him.”

    Debra’s jaw dropped. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. In a rage, Debra tried to punch Oprah but she easily dodged it with her Illuminati powers.

    “Now don’t be stupid. You know you can’t take me. Now where was I - yes I killed your pimply little waste of a son. And you know why? Because he was after a treasure, a very important treasure that I keep hidden in a cave atop this mountain range.”

    Debra shook her head. “Oprah please.. What more could you want. You already have so many mansions, so many billions of dollars, so many fans that you gaslight and manipulate to adore you.. like you did to me my entire life up until now! What more do you want.”

    “Everything” Oprah deadpanned. “I want what every woman wants, I want the power of it all.”

    Tears rolled down Debra’s face. She couldn’t believe she was face to face with the murderer of her own son. “Well maybe you can’t have it all, did you ever think of that. Why was Jeremy a threat to you anyway?”

    “Because he knew what your stupid cracker ass didn’t. Magic is real.”

    “M-m-magic?” Debra asked.

    Oprah waved her hand in the air, telekinetically sending Debra down back on her ass. Gentle enough to not bruise her, hard enough to make a point. Debra stared in disbelief, shocked at the irrationality of it all. She stood up and looked down at her carnation pink pants. Damnit. Grass stains on her new clothes she bought at Macy’s. “How did you do that?” Debra asked.

    “Magic” Oprah said. “But see, even magic has its limits. Magic isn’t enough… I need more. I need… everything.” She motioned Anderson Cooper to follow her higher up the mountain.

    Debra shook her head while following close behind the other two. “Maybe you’re just gonna have to suck it up and realize that nobody gets it all, not even you Oprah Winfrey!”

    Oprah laughed. “You stupid bitch. You should have listened to your son all those years he was trying to enlighten you, but no. You sent him to bad social workers and psychologists and yuppie professionals who just wanted to feed off his goodness. Jeremy was right about the true nature of this world, and you were too arrogant to see that.”

    Debra cried. “Don’t you dare… I may not have been the perfect mother, but I wasn’t the one who killed my son. You were.”

    “Ah but you were the one who threw him to the wolves, not being truly smart nor heartfelt enough to discover what he was getting into. You see, I never asked him to climb *this* particular mountain range to get over his social anxiety, though I planned on killing him either way. Boy got smarter, tougher- and discovered where my power truly lies.” Oprah pointed further in the direction they were walking.

    “He came to steal your evil power away from you, to save the world!” Debra said optimistically.

    Oprah shook her head. “Oh you’re so naïve it hurts. Even I don’t know the deepest parts of Jeremy’s mind, so it’s no telling the reason why he wanted my power” Oprah said. “For all we know he wanted to steal my abilities to get back at the one person who was supposed to protect him and believe in him.”

    A little more walking, and they were finally here. Twenty yards away from them, Debra noticed ancient jade green glyphs painted on many small rocks that were blocking entrance to a cave.

    Oprah held out her right hand and dark purple engravings transferred out of her palm into the rocks. “Power aller für die Leistung ein, töten doth Raben für die brennende Sonne!” she said.

    The rocks exploded and disappeared.

    Now was Debra’s chance, she thought. If she could just run in and snatch whatever was in that cave, maybe she could avenge her son’s death.

    Debra charged forward as fast as her 44-year-old body would let her and ran toward the door. But Oprah noticed her, waved her hand, and sent Debra falling down the mountain. She fell down on a hard rock, snapping her neck. She died in the same exact way that her son died four years ago.

    “Stupid woman. Didn’t even get to hear the whole epic story before it was finished” Oprah said. But she was going to do that sooner or later, because everybody in Jeremy’s bloodline was a threat to Oprah.

    Oprah and Anderson walked deeper into the cave. Atop a pedestal was a bronze-yellow artifact that glowed and hummed with immense power. It was some sort of crown.

    Oprah just looked down at the item with complete awe.
    Last edited by bnd; 04-09-2014 at 07:41 PM.

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    Once Oprah has this crown I wonder if she tries to destroy it before it destroys her.

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    Chapter 2: Good Things Come In Threes

    Oprah picked the artifact up. “You know what this is, right gay man?” Oprah said.

    Anderson Cooper uncomfortably straightened his tie. “I wish you’d stop calling me that, Oprah. While I am indeed a happy, proud gay man – I am also much more than my sexuality.”

    “Oh please, I’ve kept gay men as slaves for years, I know you all like nice 'n pretty things from California and I just manipulate you with that so you do whatever I command” Oprah said.

    Anderson Cooper gulped. “Oprah, I do respect you as an amazing and powerful woman. But – did you really have to kill that woman? That boy?”

    Oprah slapped Anderson. “Yes. And I’ll kill you too if you don’t stop challenging my authority. Even if you do it in a soft and obscure Delta-ish way, I can still sense what you’re trying to do.”

    Anderson backed a few steps away. He didn’t want Oprah angry.

    “Let’s try this again. Do you know what THIS is” Oprah said with more force, holding the object right in front of Anderson’s face.

    “No, but it’s clearly older than dirt, and um very powerful.”

    “This item is greater than God itself, it allow you to BEAT God.” Oprah put the relic on her head and she glowed with incredible energy. Yeah that’s it, who is queen of the Universe? Me baby Oprah thought to herself.

    Anderson looked up at the crown. And he couldn’t help but chuckle. “That object, as great as it is, is clearly fragmented” Anderson remarked. “Looks like it’s chopped up in thirds, and you only have one piece.”

    Oprah snarled and nodded her head. “The situation allows you to talk back to me after I call you things like gay man, gay man. Gay man gay man gay man!” Oprah repeated angrily.

    Anderson Cooper caught on. “If you got all three pieces of that thing, you’d be able to call me whatever I want and I’d just be okay with it?”

    Oprah nodded. “Yes. My Illuminati dealings over the years gave me many magical abilities. But this, Crown of Gaslighting - gives you something much greater than that. It gives you the greatest power of them all: The ability to morph the entire universe to whatever you want. Nothing ever challenges your desires, ever. Other people’s willpower becomes your own.”

    Anderson got it. “You become greater than God. You get it all” he realized.

    “Precisely. Now see… we have a choice, and this is the reason I brought you up here. I've spent many years trying to find the rest of the crown on my own, but I’m growing impatient. As much as I hate to admit it, I need some help.”

    Anderson Cooper listened intensely.

    “So either you help me find the other two pieces, or I make all gay men have AIDS again, killing you. Imagine me working at a gay man’s shelter serving soup to people, when it was really I was the one who inflicted such misery – and the only person that knows it is you” - She stepped closer into Anderson’s face. “Yet you can’t do anything about it and you die a hated, scared and lonely little man.”

    Anderson Cooper shook his head. “You put me in a lose-lose situation Oprah and I don’t like it. When you get all three pieces of your crown, what’s your grand plan? How do I know you just won’t make all gay men have AIDS anyway.”

    Oprah smiled. “I knew you’d be a smart fag, that’s why there’s another special item I have just for you…..” Oprah took Anderson into another part of the cave, touched a secret spot in the wall and a section of the wall flipped open.

    “Doncha just love when that happens?” Oprah said. Oprah and Anderson walked further in the cave, and another item could be seen atop a pedestal. She put it around Anderson’s neck. “I give this to you… free of charge.”

    “What the hell is it?” Anderson asked, eyeing the necklace. “Ivory isn’t really my color you know, kinda flushes my skin out…” he said.

    “It’s the item 2nd only to the Crown of Gaslighting” Oprah said, pointing up at the radiant artifact still resting on her head. “The Pendant of Gaslighting Immunity” Oprah said. “As long as you wear that, you’re completely immune to my gaslighting abilities” Oprah said. “This is how you know that you have my word.”

    Anderson shook his head. Okay, this necklace certainly did have powers, but Oprah wasn’t being completely truthful with him. “How come I still wanna come to your Lifeclass Workshops and talk about how much better you are than everybody else despite you being a heartless murderer?” Anderson said. “You still clearly influence me… even if it’s only 33.3%” he said.

    “The pendant doesn’t fully activate until all three pieces of the Crown of Gaslighting have been fused together, and its true owner – ME, places it on their head” Oprah said.

    “Oh” Anderson Cooper said.

    “But – it does give you complete Immunity to Death while you have it on” Oprah said. “Come outside again and I’ll show you.”

    The two walked out of the cave, and stood back at the spot where Oprah murdered Debra. Oprah then flung Anderson off the mountain cliff. He fell down hard with a force that should have killed him, but with his pendant on, he was able to get back up after about two minutes. He readjusted all the limbs and muscles and bones back to their proper places.

    Oprah waved her hands and teleported Anderson back up the mountain. Then shot him a look that screamed Well, whaddya think.

    “I still feel the fucking …pain “ Anderson said. “And I feel like I’m gonna have a headache that’s gonna last two weeks.”

    Oprah shrugged. “You’re still alive aren’t you?”

    “But not being able to die is an awesome superpower to have” Anderson Cooper said. “I’ll take it… on one condition.”

    “Hmm?” Oprah said.

    “You use your mojo and you know, put some sorta protection spell around the amulet so it can’t be easily stolen from me.” he said.

    “OH I’ll do better than that” Oprah said. “Bend over” she said.

    “Uh..”

    “Drop the shorts and bend over!” Oprah screamed. If only she had the full power of her crown, Anderson would just do as she says without all the annoying questions and hesitations.

    Anderson Cooper did as he was told. Oprah TKed the pendant off of Anderson’s neck, hovered it in the air and then with a strong force of about 150 miles per hour, Oprah shot the pendant deep into Anderson’s Cooper anally bleached asshole. The newsreporter yelped out in pain, but then after a short awhile felt stronger again.

    “This is… awesome” Anderson Cooper said. His entire body glowed with a white light. He never felt this much power in his life, ever. “I love you Oprah” he said.

    “I love me too” Oprah said. “Now minion, you have a lot of work to do. You’re a reporter right? Well.. go report. Go dig around and find out whatever you can about my two crown pieces.”

    “Yes, your deliciousness” Anderson Cooper said. He started to walk back down the mountain.

    Oprah smiled in satisfaction, wringing her hands together. “Excellent.”

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    truck, how would you feel if oprah lovingly added all your stories featuring her to her book club's recommended reading list?



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    Chapter 3: Hitta Gets Hurta

    Sam sighed and opened his closet door, thinking of what he was going to wear that day. He wasn’t really going to go outside, so he might as well be naked. He then picked up a strange crown artifact and carried it with him to his bed.

    Staring at his journal, he wrote:

    How will they all think of me when they realize that I’m a fraud? While my stories are indeed brilliant, it is not just me that’s influencing everybody to read them, but a power greater than my own. The power, the Idea of… Gaslighting. Every word you read I am really just gaslighting you and turning you into my sock puppet. I’m… I’m just as bad as Oprah.


    Ghsdl;fjl;jffd

    He made squiggly lines with the pen, getting frustrated.

    No I will never be as evil as that greedy rich whore. You all know I’m right about Oprah, but as long as I only have one third of the crown- you’ll only think I’m 33.3% right. I need those other pieces I-


    Sam calmed down, reigning in his own narcissism. He crumpled up the note he wrote and tossed it in the trashcan.

    “No. That would make me just as bad as Oprah. One piece… is good enough for me, and I have to learn to be happy with the power and influence that I do have” Sam said to himself. “After all, Starfall and I still love each other even if we both disagree about Oprah’s true nature.” He put his part of the Crown of Gaslighting on, went to his computer and began to write another adventure chapter.
    ***

    Anderson Cooper talked and talked and talked. He talked to every celebrity he could think of in California, and all leads to any Gaslighting pieces came up empty.

    Anderson sighed. Then he realized… maybe the second piece wasn’t even in this state, or in a state with a lot of power and influence. Maybe in fact, it was in a shittier state that made a lot less money. Maybe it was in….he took a glance at a crossword puzzle he was doing fifteen minutes ago while on the john.

    “Louisiana!” Anderson Cooper piped up. “That’s where I’ll go.”
    ***

    Anderson Cooper knocked on the door of a random house somewhere in Louisiana. A young adult male with an eternal smirk on his face answered the door. “Well how do y-“ The man blinked. “Are you Anderson Cooper?”

    “Yes, indeed I am” he said. “I’m just… hear to ask some questions” he said.

    “Did I win something?” Hitta said, hoping. “A date with Kate Upton, maybe. Free porn for a year?”

    Anderson chuckled. “No well uh you see… Okay this is going to sound ridiculous, but I was looking for the Crown of Gaslighting.”

    “I have no idea what you’re talking about” Hitta said.

    Anderson Cooper’s eyes lit up. “You’re lying” he said.

    “No I’m not” Hitta said.

    “I’m a narcissistically good Newsreporter!” Anderson Cooper said. “I KNOW WHEN PEOPLE ARE LYING.” He picked Hitta up and slammed him against the wall. “THE CROWN OF GASLIGHTING PIECE. WHERE IS IT.”

    Hitta bit his lip. He promised Sam that he would never tell anybody that he has it, not even Dolphin. Sam being Sam had to confide in at least one person that what he was doing wasn’t totally bad, and Hitta was always the guy who accepted moral ambiguities very well. It was a sacred task that he entrusted him with.

    “G-go fuck off you overrated hack” Hitta said, spitting on Anderson’s face.

    “If you don’t tell I’m just going to torture you” Anderson Cooper said.

    “Oh yeah?” Hitta tried to use his mind control powers on Anderson but he shrugged them off.

    Hitta gulped. “Why wasn’t that working? I just gave transplanted an idea in your head that your mother raped you with a spiked bat when you were 12 years old and that’s what made you insecure about being gay and you should have cried about it – but instead you’re just standing there, looking at me all manly and self- confident like.”

    My new power Oprah gave me made me immune to Hitta’s Mind Control powers!
    Anderson thought. Makes sense, I do have Immunity to Gaslighting after all.

    Anderson smiled at the baffled boy. “Oh hitta… sometimes you really do need to just shut up.” Anderson Cooper backhanded Hitta and knocked him in the nose, breaking it. He went flying back against a Radiohead poster.

    Anderson lifted Hitta back up and began tweaking his nipples. “Yeah you like to see men do this to girls in porn don’t you, sick bastard. How does it feel.” He began pulling Hitta’s nipples so hard they almost ripped out of the skin.

    Hitta wasn’t going to give Cooper the satisfaction of being in pain, though it clearly hurt. “Feels amazing” hitta lied.

    “I can keep this up all night…” Anderson said.

    Hitta knew he made a promise to his buddy. He knew. Hitta respected and cared for Sam. But, as a straight guy, Hitta wasn’t going to put up with being degraded and disempowered like this. Sorry Sammy… Hitta said in his head.

    “The Crown of Gaslighting… a person called Sam has it. He’s in Michigan. I c-can give you his address.”

    “How do you know this Sam?” Anderson said.

    “He has superpowers like me, there are many of us. We’re called Adventurers” hitta said. “Sam is like our leader.”

    That was all Anderson needed to know. “Thank you” he said. “Now give me his address.” Hitta did, Anderson then punched Hitta to the ground before marching out of his house.

    When he regained consciousness, Hitta ran to his cell phone and began dialing Sam’s number. He blew his friend’s cover, the least he could do was warn him trouble was about to start.

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    Chapter 4: Run Sam Run

    Sam heard the news from hitta. And with one-third of the Crown of Gaslighting tucked under his armpit, ran out of his cozy suburban home and onto the streets. He didn’t know what he was running to, he just knew that he had to keep moving.

    He realized that the middle-class therapist he had was right, Sam was… too sheltered. It was the fourth time he almost got hit by a car walking the streets. “Well I can barely walk, but at least I can write pretty well” Sam thought to himself. He looked down. “I don’t really need this to write well, or to make friends- but that’s not the point. Now I must stop Oprah from getting this so other people don’t get hurt” he whispered.

    Sam then got an idea. He levitated up on the freeway pass, took the crown and threw it hard as he could on oncoming semi- hoping the artifact would just blow up to bits. But it just boomeranged back into Sam’s hands, as if it had chosen him as its owner. “I shoulda known an item forged before the Idea of Time even existed would be able to survive being hit by a semi” Sam said.

    “There’s probably no good way of destroying the crown, and I can’t hide it – Oprah’s army is great and she’d eventually find it if it’s in a static location no matter how clever the hiding spot..” Sam got off the freeway and turned into a smaller suburban area.

    “So I’ll just have to keep moving. Something I never did in my life. I spent most of my life just stuck in one spot for a really long time, but that’s not the way to do things” Sam said. “As long as I keep moving, Oprah will never find me.” At least, that’s what the wise Shaman told himself.

    ***

    Anderson Cooper pinned Hitta to the ground. “Where is he” he shouted into Hitta’s ear.

    “I’m telling you I don’t know! I gave you the right house didn’t I?”

    “His parents said he run away, somebody must have given him the heads up” Anderson said.

    “How do you know that somebody was me?” Hitta said all charming and fake-nice like.

    Anderson slammed the left side of Hitta’s face on the hard wooden floor. “BECAUSE YOU’RE HIS FRIEND AND ONE OF THE ONLY FEW PEOPLE ON THIS EARTH THAT EVEN HAS KNOWLEDGE OF THE CROWN OF GASLIGHTING’S EXISTANCE.” And, Anderson thought more quietly to himself- if his pendant’s power was *fully* activated, Hitta wouldn’t have been able to read that Anderson was working for Oprah, which he undoubtedly told Sam about.

    Blood poured out of Hitta’s nose. “Okay well so what… I still don’t know where Sam is and you staying here beating me up isn’t going to find him any faster.”

    Anderson hated to admit it, but Hitta was right. He kicked Hitta in the head and ran out his home.

    ***

    Oprah sipped on some Henri Jayer’s, the world’s most expensive wine. She looked at the stars and was standing at the top of her balcony in one of her mansions in Peru. She was wearing a glittering blue dress. Her head minion Anderson Cooper was standing beside her, dressed handsomely in a dark gray suit and tie.

    Oprah looked lost in thought. “Adventurers, eh. I easily dealt with them before. It’s no matter…”

    Anderson smiled. “If I may offer a suggestion, your Narcissismness.”

    “Yes fag?”

    “When you killed Sam before, in that fight you had with the adventurers a year and a half ago- part of you must have known Sam was always a threat to you.”

    Oprah stared into space and broke her wine glass with one hand. “Yes, I must have subconsciously always known that little brat had the other part of my crown… and I didn’t go after him then. I got sidetracked with trying to become an Idea of myself. But, the Crown of Gaslighting is above even the Ideas!” Oprah exclaimed with ecstasy.

    Anderson Cooper thought for a moment. “But Sam is a tougher opponent then we think, your Highness. He clearly doesn’t stay dead…”

    Oprah thought for a moment then had one of her famous ‘Ah-ha’ moments that she patented. “Then I’m going to have to do something a lot worse than take his life, Andy.” A beat. “I’m going to take his reputation. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

    “How?” Anderson Cooper asked.

    “National television” Oprah said. “Round up the press, because it’s time to make a show!” She clapped her hands gleefully and turned away from the stars, and strutted back into her mansion.

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    Chapter 5: Miss Gaslighting USA

    She was on in three seconds. The man counted down with three fingers then motioned Oprah to come back from behind the scenes and onto the stage.

    The crowd went wild as they saw Oprah come back on regular tv for the first time in two years. More cheers. “Thank you, thank you!” Oprah said. “Welcome to the Grand Premmmmmeeeeeirreeeeeeeeee!”

    After the cheers died down enough, Oprah spoke again.

    “Now, you are all of course wondering what I’m doing back on public television” Oprah said. “The truth is, my critics were right, I was being too greedy and egoic with my OWN network. It cost too much for the middle class – and I know you poor sons of –“ Oprah realized she was on air. “I mean, I knew I had to be more generous than that.”

    “But there are a lot more reasons why I’m back on ABC, and those reasons are multifaceted. For one, I was deeply moved by the story of young adult runaway, Sam Gates.”

    *Oprah pressed a button and showed an awkward blown up picture of Sam on the big screen behind her for the world to see.*

    “You see, Sam ran away because he was gay, and believed nobody could ever love him.” The audience awwwwed at that.

    “But Sam, we are all here today to prove you wrong. Today, ALL OF AMERICA IS GOING TO SEARCH FOR SAM! And show him that they love him, regardless of his sexual orientation.”

    The audience clapped and cheered. Oprah Winfrey was back.

    “If you all look under your seats, you’ll find keys to your brand new 2014 Jeep Paaaaatriot!” Audience went psycho in happiness. “You will take your new vehicles and search every place in America for Sam… as long as it takes. The first person who finds Sam will win a free lifetime supply of tickets to the Oprah Winfrey show, $50,000 in cash, and the ability to throw fireballs at all those people you never liked! ... Oops. Did I say that last part?!”

    “We’ll be right back with a popular college gymnast dating a young man with down syndrome, an insecure housewife that got dumped by a black dude for being obese, and a bunch of other small town losers for you to feel sorry for. Stay tuned!”

    Commercial break. Oprah went to the back to drink some water. And gossip about world domination.

    “How you holding up?” A gay man with nice shiny black hair asked Oprah with a clipboard hugged to his chest.

    “I don’t know Brian. I feel weaker. But there was no other way. In order to get my show up again this quickly, I had to sell almost all my demonic powers. Only way I could make the necessary connections…”

    Brian smiled. “Oprah you are so… giving. So full of self-sacrifice. I don’t know how you do it.”

    Oprah raised a brow. “You do know that I gave all that up just so I could get something even more self-absorbed quickly down the road, right?”

    Brian hugged Oprah. “I just love you Oprah. You’ve inspired me to not kill myself because I’m effeminate.”

    Oprah pushed Brian off of her. “Whatever.” Another man peeked his head from behind the wall. “On again in 20” he told her.

    ***

    Dolphin and Mune saw the entire Oprah episode on their kitchen tv. Dolphin stopped cutting up carrots for a moment, and just stood there with her jaw dropped open. She was wearing a flattering white blouse and light blue jeans with flowers on the knees.

    “What the hell is Oprah up to this time?” the Water Mage wondered.

    “Hitta told me all about it while we were playing League of Legends on Skype” Mune said. “Oprah wants the piece of the Crown of Gaslighting- which Sam has. She already has one piece, and Sam has another. Three total pieces and the wearer can like, make the entire world into whatever they want or something.”

    “Sounds epic” Dolphin said. “So wait, who has the third piece? And how did the Crown become broken up anyway?”

    “We don’t know…” Mune said. “But if Oprah gets Sam’s piece…”

    Dolphin squinted her eyes, reading Oprah’s social imprint. “My female intuition tells me Oprah is weak. She probably had to pull a lot of strings to pull off a countrywide search for Sam.”

    “Yeah, like give away most of her powers” Mune said. “I felt it too only uh – in a much manlier way.”

    “Since she’s weak, now’s our chance” Dolphin said. “We need to stage a full group attack against Oprah to thwart her before she can become World Head Bitch.”

    “But what about Sam? He’s gonna have a lot more people on his tail now that Oprah did this…”

    Dolphin thought. “We’ll send half the group to protect Sam, the other half to defeat Oprah.”

    “I’ll go help Sambo” Mune said. “I never really had a grudge against Oprah and my services would be better spent helping Sam.”

    “I wanna come with, but I should lead the troops for the Oprah boss fight” Dolphin said. “See you for dinner tonight honey.”

    The legendary couple kissed, and went out of the house to save the world.

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    Chapter 6: Missing Milk Carton Sammy

    Backstage of Oprah’s show. All the audience and crew members left, and only Oprah herself was here. She was sitting in a chair with her legs crossed all Queen-like. Oprah smiled while looking at a Milk Carton with Sam’s picture on it that she paid every milk company in the US to print.

    And then spat on it.

    “You can’t run forever, little Sammy. Pretty soon your crown shall be mine!”

    Suddenly, the carton Oprah was holding blew up in flames. She stood up and looked quickly to the right, and saw a short yet powerful looking young woman with her hands stretched outward. “I don’t think so, Oprah” Dolphin said. “Truck is a much better queen then you!”

    Oprah smiled. “I may not have all my powers… but I can handle one little girl.” She walked menacingly to Dolphin.

    Dolphin raised her hands, and cast a huge rainstorm on the ceiling. For every waterfall that appeared, out came another adventurer from behind the water. There was a good twenty-two of them now.

    Oprah looked at all of them and for the first time in six chapters, began to worry.

    “You fucked up” InvisibleJim said. “You spread your locus of power too thin… all so what, you could be an even more obnoxiously self-absorbed cunt than you already are?”

    “Not so harsh guys” Starfall said. “Oprah has feelings too, even if she is an evil bitch from the underworld.”

    “Yes that’s right honey, show them how MEAN they all are” Oprah waved her hands, cast Confusion on Starfall and Starfall momentarily lost control of her own will and shot out Indigo beams of magic at InvisibleJim, which he dodged by twirling his body – but the projectiles knocked Uniden flat on his ass.

    “Uniden!” April called out. She cast a Cure spell on him, bringing him back up on his feet. The confusion spell on Starfall wore off, and she shook her head like a dog.

    Dolphin facepalmed. “I told him that he shouldn’t have come to this fight just because I’m h-“

    Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Dolphin said too much.

    “What did you say?” Oprah said.

    “Uh nothing” Dolphin said.

    Oprah looked around. “I WILL NOT FALL FOR DIVERSIONARY TACTICS” she screamed. “I can read between the lines. You said that sentence as if there was another important fight going on the same time as this one, and there is isn’t there! Yes, half of you are with me… the other half with Sam!”

    “You’ll never get the crown!” Vois shouted.

    “Of course I will, you adventurers are all connected – which is actually a weakness more than it is a strength, because it allows me to use what dark magicks I have left to scan your astral signatures and….”

    Oprah levitated in the air. She aimed her arms out at the heroes.

    “Now guys!” Dolphin shouted. “Hit her with everything you got before she can -”

    Energy flowed out of Oprah and into the adventurers. Likewise, energy flowed out of adventurers and into Oprah. A cosmic war brewed and there was a flash. Dolphin fell down on the floor, unconscious.
    ***

    …Aaaand using the power of Vero’s teleportation spell that she temporarily copied, Oprah was now in the fight the other adventurers were. She was on top of some freeway pass, but traffic was blocked from all the chaos.

    Mune and Hitta were using their physical straight man strength to fend off a couple soccer dads from catching Sam.

    Oprah smiled as she saw the crown in Sam’s hand.

    “My crown please” Oprah said, stretching out her palm. Fuck. She was completely drained. From being hit with a shitload of adventurer spells at once, from giving her powers away…she didn’t have access to any of her active abilities. She couldn’t just TK the crown away, she was 'out of MP' as it were. And Sam’s team was doing a good job of protecting him from her cronies.

    Oprah gave everybody a bitch face.

    Sam saw how weak Oprah was and smiled.

    “You may have won this battle, but I still have the other piece of crown hidden in my safe spot” Oprah told them.

    Suddenly, Anderson Cooper came up and stood behind Sam. “I would like to question that, Oprah.” And he gave Sam the other piece of the crown!

    “YOU FUCKING TRATIOR!” Oprah shouted.

    “Never threaten my own kind again” Anderson Cooper said, all gay man bad-ass like.

    Sam put both pieces of the crown on his head.

    Suddenly, all the Americans who were looking for Sam to bring back to Oprah stopped and got down on one knee instead. They formed a circle around the Shaman.

    Mune and Hitta looked at each other as if to say Uh-oh.

    “Do you want us to make out now?” one of the soccer dads said.

    “Hmm maybe later” Sam said. He could get used to this.

    “NOOOOO!” Oprah screamed. “You need to listen to ME not HIM. I have lots and lots of money!” She held up a fan of cash for them all to see. But the Crown of Gaslighting was more valuable than the Idea of Money itself.

    Sam laughed. “Oprah. Honey? It’s over. I have two pieces of the crown. You have none. Buh-bye!” And with a small hand-gesture, Sam flung Oprah way back. She flew over the freeway pass, went crashing into a whole bunch of buildings before finally falling back on her ass in a huge mud puddle. Oprah wiped the mud off her face and looked around in disgust.

    Ath, one of the adventurers sent to protect Sam, looked at his friend and frowned. “So what, you’re the real Big Bad or somethin’?” Ath said.

    Sam shook his head. “Oh not the Big Bad.” Sam levitated with more ease and grace than he ever did before in his life. “The Big Good. I’m going to fix things… once and for all.”

    Sam teleported out of the scene.

    “But what about Sam always saying the road to hell is paved in good intentions or whatever?” Lungs shrugged and sighed.
    Last edited by bnd; 04-19-2014 at 08:10 AM.

  9. #9
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    @I SHRUGGED AND LIT A MATCH.

    "That's the last time I drink anything stronger than gin. See, kiddo, you only get one chance in this life and you ain't gonna to take no flack from no floozy. Fly your magic dragon if you must, but remember that hitta will always have Paris.

    Fly it, Sam. For old times' sake."

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    Chapter 7: Stopping King Fag

    The adventurers were all together now in New York Central park, talking about what just happened.

    “I saw these magical fantasy shows enough to know the price of Utopia” Aylen said. “Sam’s going to take away our free will!”

    Dolphin nodded. “As much as I love Sam, we can’t let him get that third piece of the crown.”

    “It isn’t just Sammy’s fault” Uniden said.

    Dolphin sighed in relief, actually glad Uniden was disagreeing with her for once and not just following her around like a lost momma’s boy. “Huh?” she said, genuinely curious.

    “I know a little about the Crown… it gradually changes the soul of whoever has it. Sam has been writing adventure stories for awhile now, the hold it has on him is powerful. I don’t think he’ll be able to resist it.”

    “We know what the Crown of Gaslighting does, but we don’t know where it came from. Whoever made it must know how to stop it” mikemex said.

    “We could check the library for more information” Steve calmly suggested. “I know where it is, follow me.”

    ***

    Sam thought deeply while staring at the Crown of Gaslighting which was lying on his bed.

    “There must be some way to find that last piece” Sam wondered with his arms crossed over his chest. “And unlike Anderson Cooper I’m too shy to just knock on people’s houses to find out.”

    Sam wondered. Then it hit him. Law of Attraction. Sameness. ‘That which like unto itself is drawn.’ Equality. Similarity. Homo-GAYNESS.

    “The Crown itself is so powerful, it must know where its last friend is hiding” Sam said. “It just needs a little help… like the assistance of my very powerful gay magicks…” Sam went in the kitchen to get a sharp knife. He went back to his bedroom, sliced open the side of his left hand and said:

    “Idem de eodem sanguine tibi ab eodem ad idem - sequor.”


    “This will teach it to find itself.” The blood from Sam’s hand poured down on the crown and it glowed with energy.

    Sam’s idea was working. But then the crown shattered Sam’s window with its own magic and began flying out into the night!

    Sam hurried and leaped forward, grabbing the crown just in time as it flew out of his window.

    “That’s right - lead me to the third piece” Sam said. Sam’s naturally strong healing magicks, coupled with his innate gayness, coupled with his understanding of the laws of the universe and all those dumb Esther Hicks Law of Attraction books he read with Steve - paid off.

    Sam flew and flew for what felt like many hours. Then finally, he crashed through the window of an apartment complex.

    He gasped as he saw who was in front of him. He knew this person. “You!” Sam said. This was it, this was the person who had the last Crown piece.

    ***

    None of these books they were reading had any information about the Crown of Gaslighting. Steve had a good idea, but obviously – such an artifact was undoubtedly manufactured before the written word. Dolphin sighed and rested her head on her arm.

    Out of the window she suddenly saw a man flying through the night sky at full speed. She recognized who it was immediately. And it was only for a brief moment, maybe even less than a second- but she saw the crown too.

    “Sam has all three pieces of the crown!” Dolphin shrieked. Everybody in the library stopped reading and looked at her.

    “We’re too late” Blackburry frowned.

    “Let’s go kick his ass!” Ath said eagerly.

    “No. Let me talk to him alone” Dolphin said. “He trusts me. I can get him to stop.”

    “I feel like I still have my free will” Hitta said. “I could French kiss Mune right now but I’m not going to.”

    “That means we still have time” Dolphin yelled out. She ran out of the library and onto the sidewalk outside. She looked up and saw the shooting star again. She couldn’t fly, but she could…

    Dolphin blasted the sidewalk with her Water Mage powers, using them to propel her far up in the sky.

    “Here…” Ashton said, watching Dolphin from the library window. He lifted two fingers and cast Haste on Dolphin – so she could catch up with him in time. The other adventurers pooled their power and made Dolphin quicker as well; she would need it to catch somebody with a fully powered Crown of Gaslighting.

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    Chapter 8: The Ultimate Sacrifice

    Dolphin finally caught up to Sam, and tackled him on top of a very tall building close to the Empire State building.

    Sam saw Dolphin on top of him. He telekinetically knocked her away. “I don’t want to hurt you” Sam said.

    “You’re not supposed to have the power of telekinesis... or teleportation” Dolphin said, remembering the time on the freeway he just flashed out like that. “You heal,
    levitate, and have narcissistically good insights. Those are your powers core to who you are” Dolphin said, reminding Sam of who he was.

    “The crown gives people extra abilities” Sam said. “Obviously…”

    “You don’t need them” Dolphin said.

    “I don’t want the powers” Sam said. “I’m going to use the Crown of Gaslighti-“

    “To make the world a better place” Dolphin said, finishing Sam’s sentence. “I know, I know. But you have to know that taking away all our willpower is wrong!” Dolphin said. “I loved your stories on my own will, you didn’t have to use some shiny doo-dad on me!”

    Sam shook his head. “I’m not going to take away your willpower” Sam said. A long pause. “I know that would be wrong. I-I’m going to take my life.”

    “WHAT. NO. WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH AN EMO MARY SUE VICTIM” Dolphin cried out.

    “It’s the only way to destroy the Crown of Gaslighting and save the world” Sam said. “And I’m not trying to stop all conflict, or all problems… but the Crown causes too much trouble. We can all agree on that, right?”

    “There has to be another way!” Dolphin said. “We can… blast apart the crown again, to different ends of the universes.”

    “Somebody already tried that” Sam said. “Would lead us all back to the same spot as here.”

    Dolphin thought some more. “We can just bury the damn thing in huge layers in ice… in Antarctica” Dolphin said.

    “And how much longer before Oprah finds it?” Sam said. “She would think of that idea just as easy as you did right now.”

    Dolphin just frowned at Sam.

    “Committing suicide with the crown on is the only way to get rid of it!” Sam said. “I know I’m right, now I’m going to do this. You can’t take away my free will” Sam said. “As much as I love you…”

    Sam took a gun out of his pocket and slowly began to open his mouth. Dolphin tried to Water Jet the gun out of the way, but Sam telekinetically changed the flow of the water before it could knock the gun away. And with the crown on his head, Sam shot himself right in the throat.

    Absurd, Galen, & k0rpsey cheered in the distance.

    Dolphin trembled in fear as she saw her good internet friend of seven years kill himself before her eyes.

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    I don't know how to respond to all of this? I guess I won't.

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    ഗന᎕ᒹ ±ᗉᚔXᙂഗ woofwoofl's Avatar
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    Default Wentworth grabs the prison bars with all his might, gritting his teeth as he holds back his screams of pain and joy

    Quote Originally Posted by lifer View Post
    I don't know how to respond to all of this?
    Anywhere from a base line of quiet satisfaction that a creative endeavor was accomplished, through hitting "like" and "constructive", all the way up to actively contributing chapters of your own.

    Quote Originally Posted by lifer View Post
    I guess I won't.
    too late!

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    You don't get it woof, and that's why you're on ignore.


    SLEs and ESIs throw people under the bus.

    And yet it seems like once again, I'm not the one who benefits from explaining myself.

    "IEIs not infrequently may appear to tend to exhibit a mystical and intangible quality to their insights, and may base their ideas on observations that are not readily apparent to others. This causes the ideas of IEIs to be sometimes frustrating and confusing for more practically minded individuals. IEIs sometimes exacerbate this problem by getting lost in their thoughts, and are often prone to having difficulty expressing their inner perceptions to others effectively." - See more at: http://www.sociotype.com/socionics/t....2T2hjEc1.dpuf

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    Chapter 9: Gaslighting Can Get Gaslighted

    Dolphin cradled Sam’s dead body. “You didn’t have to do this” she said with tears running down her face.

    But she soon noticed that Sam was wrong! The crown didn’t die just because he did… It was still in his lap, in perfect condition.

    “Having your own willpower is so overrated” Dolphin said. And with that, she put on the Crown of Gaslighting and used its power to resurrect Sam. Because she still loved him, because she still needed him here. And because he was being fucking stupid and she needed to nag at him.

    A bright magical white light enveloped Sam’s body and he looked around. “Whoa. What happened?” He looked in his pockets for his gun, but Dolphin Water Jetted it off the building.

    He noticed Dolphin was wearing the crown.

    “Whoah Dolphin, slowly take the crown off…” he said. Sam loved talking about makeup & girly stuff with Dolphin in the wee hours of the morning, but wasn’t sure that he wanted to do it 24/7.

    To Sam’s surprise, Dolphin did as she was told.

    “See?” Dolphin said. “You don’t need some damn crown to be influential” she said. “That was supposed to work the other way around right, but look at us. Our love is greater than the Crown of Gaslighting!”

    They heard a man clapping in the shadows. His tone was half-mocking, half-empathetic and serious.

    “True love really does conquer all, as cliché as that is” the man said as he made himself be known in the moonlight. He was wearing black cargo pants and a gray turtle neck sweater.

    “But.. the Crown of Gaslighting is still 2nd in charge” he said, his raccoon-ish eyes looking down at the object.

    Sam pointed at the man. “Cpig was the dude who had the third piece of the Crown!” he told Dolphin.

    “I doubt you’d be able to take me in a fight if you hadn’t already had two pieces” Cpig said.

    “Oh please, you’re like two feet tall” Sam said.

    “Boys!” Dolphin said. “Knock it off right now!” She turned to Cpig. “Cpig, what do you know about the Crown of Gaslighting?”

    “Not much more than you know” Cpig said. “Enables the bearer to morph the world to whatever they want, can’t be destroyed, and if you break it up the inevitable happens and it just finds itself again. One alchemist in the 1400s even managed to find a way to blast it into a billion particles but it found its way whole again” Cpig said.

    “And now we know you can’t even destroy it if you kill yourself while wearing it” Sam said.

    “So what, we’re all just screwed over by this thing?” Dolphin said. She refused to believe that.

    “I have an idea” Cpig said. “The crown’s power needs to be… systematised.”

    What a Te word, Sam thought. “Uh…”

    “We need to have a competition between us” Cpig said. As a capitalist, he loved competition. “A battle royale with all the Adventurers.”

    “Winner gets to wear the Crown of Gaslighting…” Sam said.

    “Yes, but only for a year. Because we now know something that we didn’t know before: True Love’s power dilutes the power of the Crown” Cpig said. “Dolphin and Sam, hold hands again and think about how much you love each other.”

    Dolphin and Sam held hands and thought about all the happy memories they shared online over the years. Sure enough, the Crown faded, turned a more copper color and looked weaker.

    Dolphin tried to love Sam as much as she possibly could, to blow up the crown completely – but that didn’t work. As with Good, you need Evil – or something like that.

    “So even if somebody like Absurd or k0rpsey wins the Crown of Gaslighting, we can just say our koombahyas again and stop them from being too nasty…” Sam said. He thought about it.

    “Let’s do it” Sam said.

    Dolphin felt torn. The hero in her wanted to not fight her friends, the gamma in her was like Bring it on bitches. Eventually, Dolphin nodded in agreement.

    And that is how the Crown of Gaslighting became the ultimate tournament prize.

    Cpig took the Crown of Gaslighting, now fully formed, and held it up in the night sky. Like Link holding up the Triforce.

    ~FIN~
    Last edited by bnd; 04-26-2014 at 04:02 PM.

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    Secret Epilogue Chapter

    Oprah stood up from the mud puddle. Alright, enough time has passed for my powers to recharge Oprah thought. She took out her hands and tried to move a rock. Still nothing happened. Couldn’t even TK a freaking goddamn pebble.

    Then she realized a truth. She had the Crown of Gaslighting piece for so many years that she forgot that just like Sam, telekinesis was never one of her Original Powers. Neither was her fire spells, her super strength. That all came from the crown.

    For the first time in many years, Oprah felt helpless. Vulnerable. Human. She refused to go back to the scared and helpless black girl that nobody liked.

    Sam thinks I’m the bad guy, but if that spoiled and pampered mama’s boy ****** had to see what I saw, he would make the same goddamn choices, the stupid judgemental prick
    Oprah thought as she walked through the forest.

    She was on a search for herself. She relied on the crown for so long she forgot what her innate magic was- the magic that was tied into her natural personality. And Oprah didn't have a ‘dolphin’ for her to rely on. She thought she did with Anderson Cooper, but he betrayed her.

    Oprah thought about all the people she killed, manipulated and lied to was/cruel to over the years. She wanted to feel something for them, but… people do shitty things when they feel like victims. When they come from nothing, when they’ve been treated like pure crap.

    Oprah took out a black & white wallet-sized photo of Sam and frowned. Oprah and Sam made a sort of uneasy peace with each other, and they both felt it. “Oh Sammy.
    In a perfect world, we’d be allies- but that never came to be.” She crumpled up the picture and put it back in her pants’ pocket.

    Oprah meditated all night in the forest, trying to remember what her original power was. She would not be a ‘Normal Human’ one of those pathetic and gullible housewives that she easily gaslighted and manipulated during her career. That just wasn't Oprah’s story.

    It took all night, but when the sun rose from behind the trees - it finally hit her.

    When she had enough of feeling worthless, she remembered the first power that she ever invoked.

    Oprah flung her hands out and created a portal. A black and oval shaped portal to another dimension.

    “I’ve always been a portal conjurer” Oprah said. “It wasn’t Good or Evil… it just was.” Oprah smiled. “This is so similar to the first portal I created, when I wanted a better life for myself- away from being that poor black girl on the streets. I created a portal to another world.”

    “I stayed in that same world with the Crown of Gaslighting for too long” Oprah said. “It’s time to change. Demons have such a hard time changing… and I don’t want to be a Pure Demon anymore.”

    Oprah gazed into the swirling portal, all mystified.

    “I want to be an Idea…the greatest Idea that ever lived…” And Oprah made a wish in her heart, and jumped in the portal she created.

    ***

    Oprah looked around. She was in some sort of dark cave. She could barely see anything. It was cold, and scary. And she was afraid, helpless again.

    “Okay, when the author is trying to get the audience to feel sorry for me you know something is horribly wrong” Oprah looked worried.

    A booming voice echoed in the cave. “Do you know who I am?”

    Oprah shook her head. “N-no.”

    “But you summoned me.”

    Oprah thought. “The greatest Idea isn’t me?” She frowned.

    “No but I could restore you to your previous self… if. You work for me.”

    Oprah shook her head. “No buddy. Oprah is the one that manipulates others! Oprah doesn’t get manipulated.”

    The Idea revealed itself from the shadows, a creepy and tall looking man that was nearly eight foot tall. And he looked very old, but still very strong and capable. Oprah gasped in fear.

    “Very well then. You had your chance.”

    Oprah frowned.

    “You worthless ******" the being said coldly. Striking at the deepest fear Oprah had about herself.

    And then the Idea waved its hands, and Fast Forwarded time till Oprah was an old lady, about 115 years old. Oprah tried her best to hold on. But it was too much. She was being murdered.

    “The Ideas are always above the demons, never forget your place ******” The Idea said. This being was clearly more ruthless and evil than Oprah ever was.

    “W-who are you” Oprah said, wanting to at least know the name of the being that ended her.

    “I am the end of all things. I am the invisible dagger flying through all of Creation” the Idea said narcissistically. “Only I truly exist, everything else merely perishes.”

    “I am..”

    Oprah fell down on the floor dead. She never heard the final answer.

    “…The Idea of Time.”
    The new Big Bad of the season smiled in pure self-satisfaction.

    It then slowly walked toward the portal that Oprah created.

    “Thanks for freeing me!” it said to Oprah’s corpse before it stepped into the portal, preparing to wreck havoc on our world.
    Last edited by bnd; 04-26-2014 at 06:25 AM.

  17. #17
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    “So even if somebody like Absurd or k0rpsey wins the Crown of Gaslighting, we can just say our koombahyas again and stop them from being too nasty…”


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