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Thread: An Ultimatum.

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    Default An Ultimatum.

    Hey.


    I've been in a strange place for the past year or so. While my priorities have changed dramatically (seemingly for the better), I'm having a hard time reconciling my behavior during my adolescent and teenage years with any other typing. Many (if not, most) of these behaviors are things that I've come to consider destructive and incredibly unappealing (and most of the people I've known during this period can attest to that - I've always been nothing more than a passive nuisance. Corny, awkward and forgettable.), and am glad to have seemingly grown out of, but I figure no good can come out of shaming my past...While I wish I could've been dealt a 'better' hand, it seems I have no choice but to resign myself to my fate.

    I'm not sure where I'm trying to go with this, but I just needed to let this out.

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    What's the ultimatum then? Change or regret?
    Easy Day

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    It may be nice to feel like you know your type, but it is perfectly possible to get by fairly well just from seeing things in terms of Information elements and functions as they are used (many people also get by without Socionics of course!).

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    The worst thing about it is that Ne just seems banal and inconsequential. It does absolutely nothing for me anymore. Even when I 'strived' on it, it never amounted to anything more than mindlessly reading Wikipedia articles, being an annoying pos, and a constant state of restlessness, confusion and dissatisfaction. I was miserable. Life felt dull and colorless. I've only recently known what it was like to feel worthwhile - to have a sense of direction, to be happy, to enjoy the present moment - and it was all by suppressing my natural personality and playing the pretending to be a recluse. I enjoyed it tremendously and convinced myself that it was me...now I feel pressured to return to the monotony of my life before, when I was a needy, ugly, clumsy, charmless, tasteless, talentless, boring, unworldly, boyish idiot savant. Jack of all trades, master of none. My photography is shit.

    Edit: my writing's horrible.
    Last edited by suedehead; 04-08-2014 at 09:02 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JWC3 View Post
    What's the ultimatum then? Change or regret?
    Dissuade him from self-typing as IEE, or he will do so indefinitely with some some disparaging notion of IEEdom, self-hatred leading him to through away his life one way or another.

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    you get to choose who you are. youre the boss of yourself.

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    Socionics type isn't behavior, it isn't goals, it isn't stagnancy. Any person, regardless of type, can grow, develop, improve, and yes, feel lost.

    Life still happens, and you still get to choose what you want to do with your life. Some things might be harder for one type than another, but that is where education and experience can give you a leg up.

    Who/what is pressuring you to return to being the unhappy you?
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    Quote Originally Posted by anndelise View Post

    Who/what is pressuring you to return to being the unhappy you?
    I've never known any other way of being. The closest I've come to changing it has been by becoming a complete fraud...my own conception of what an ideal person is supposed to be like. The only alternative seems to be reverting back to the same behavioral patterns that have led people away from me time and time again and have absolutely no appeal to me anymore.

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    Whats really good for this sort of thing is reflection. Keep a diary, make a point to sit outside without any intention or stuff happening, talk to yourself, whatever really. If you're anything like me it'll prolly be scary and painful at first, but worth it.

    As far as fostering a positive mental attitude, change aside, exercise is always good. Even if you don't do enough to feel the benefits it's a nice easy way to percieve yourself as making progress just by doing some push-ups and a 30 second wall sit daily.

    Going for a walk is great too.
    Easy Day

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    Hey.


    I've been in a strange place for the past year or so. While my priorities have changed dramatically (seemingly for the better), I'm having a hard time reconciling my behavior during my adolescent and teenage years with any other typing. Many (if not, most) of these behaviors are things that I've come to consider destructive and incredibly unappealing (and most of the people I've known during this period can attest to that - I've always been nothing more than a passive nuisance. Corny, awkward and forgettable.), and am glad to have seemingly grown out of, but I figure no good can come out of shaming my past...While I wish I could've been dealt a 'better' hand, it seems I have no choice but to resign myself to my fate.

    I'm not sure where I'm trying to go with this, but I just needed to let this out.
    State your date of birth.

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    don't take anything personally unless it's positive, focus your awareness on things outside yourself at all times, never analyze your own identity. anytime you find yourself 'breaking out of the flow', pull yourself in. Instant self-forgiveness. Ascend 2 the stars.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    I've never known any other way of being. The closest I've come to changing it has been by becoming a complete fraud...my own conception of what an ideal person is supposed to be like. The only alternative seems to be reverting back to the same behavioral patterns that have led people away from me time and time again and have absolutely no appeal to me anymore.
    Striving to incorporate aspects of your ideal into yourself doesn't make you a fraud. Possibly neurotic or unrealistic, but that's different from being a fraud. (Karen Horney described neuroticism as being the gap between the ideal and the real.)

    What parts of this ideal did you enjoy? Which did you find comfort in? Which improved your interactions with life (people, situations, yourself, your environment, etc)?

    Why can't those positive parts continue to be a part of you?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    The worst thing about it is that Ne just seems banal and inconsequential. It does absolutely nothing for me anymore. Even when I 'strived' on it, it never amounted to anything more than mindlessly reading Wikipedia articles, being an annoying pos, and a constant state of restlessness, confusion and dissatisfaction. I was miserable. Life felt dull and colorless. I've only recently known what it was like to feel worthwhile - to have a sense of direction, to be happy, to enjoy the present moment - and it was all by suppressing my natural personality and playing the pretending to be a recluse. I enjoyed it tremendously and convinced myself that it was me...now I feel pressured to return to the monotony of my life before, when I was a needy, ugly, clumsy, charmless, tasteless, talentless, boring, unworldly, boyish idiot savant. Jack of all trades, master of none. My photography is shit.

    Edit: my writing's horrible.
    Get it all out then you will realize you are and were none of those things. I still go with ILI for you.



    I see you in a completely different light...you are viewing your perceived shadows. we all have shadows...

    "When I ought to be thinking of heaven he will nail me to earth"

     







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    Quote Originally Posted by anndelise View Post
    Striving to incorporate aspects of your ideal into yourself doesn't make you a fraud. Possibly neurotic or unrealistic, but that's different from being a fraud. (Karen Horney described neuroticism as being the gap between the ideal and the real.)

    What parts of this ideal did you enjoy? Which did you find comfort in? Which improved your interactions with life (people, situations, yourself, your environment, etc)?

    Why can't those positive parts continue to be a part of you?

    The thing is, alot of it feels unnatural...like something I have to consciously control. At times I'm able to play the role to a tee, and am even able to convince myself that I was always supposed to be this calm, serious, subtle, aloof, decisive guy, and that whatever I was doing before was the result of overcompensation. Usually though, I feel at conflict with myself and I'm constantly getting flashbacks to all the embarrassing shit I did when I was 15-17 that the IEE description only serves to remind me of. There was absolutely nothing redeemable about me then. I was a complete tryhard and still am to a certain extent.

    It brought me comfort because I imagined that the people I'd potentially bring into my life (in some distant future) would actually be able to appreciate me. I felt like someone worthwhile...like I was coming into my own.

    It hasn't improved my interactions at all. I've practically lost all interest in socializing.
    Last edited by suedehead; 04-08-2014 at 10:23 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by rat1 View Post
    State your date of birth.
    1994..

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    You still strike me as more SLI than IEE, but you know yourself best.

    Also, I think know what you mean about finding satisfaction and a sense of direction in the present through pretending to be a recluse- I've done the same thing!

    But I doubt that you're an awkward, horrible, boyish idiot savant. You seem to be a great person in many ways (and don't think you're just fooling me into thinking so b/c I'm on the internet- I have lazer eyes!) Perhaps your environment isn't a good one for you to interact as yourself in, or perhaps life is just difficult at times. But I feel sure that you have more than your share of redeeming qualities, and that you're probably no more objectively clumsy, charmless, unwordly, etc, than many people your age (or older); it's a mental distortion!
    Last edited by lemontrees; 04-08-2014 at 10:17 PM. Reason: normal wishy-washiness

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    You express different type traits when you're younger, at least according to some
    Socionics authors (not quite so mainstream), but in my experience and what I've seen of others, it seems to be true in some capacity.

    Type yourself as you are now and when you hit 22 and the brain reaches its adult stage and your type is more set in stone.
    Last edited by Narc; 04-09-2014 at 12:53 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    1994..
    Oh shit....

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    Quote Originally Posted by rat1 View Post
    Oh shit....
    What?

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    All of your posts are diplomatic and incredibly likable... You remind me of me, but more....stable/better at expressing yourself/nicer.



    Then again, I haven't seen your video.


    (But I want to).

    Where is it?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Narc View Post
    You express different type traits when you're younger, at least according to some
    Socionics authors (not quite so mainstream), but in my experience and what I've seen of others, it seems to be true in some capacity.

    Type yourself as you are now and when you hit 22 and the brain reaches its adult stage and your type is more set in stone.
    25.
    The frontal cortex completes maturation at 25.

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    You seem like good people to me, suedehead. Don't despair (too much), but be grateful for possessing the ability to feel deeply about things and to reflect on yourself. I take pity on the ones who have to do without that.

    Being self-critical is a good thing.
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

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    Quote Originally Posted by truck View Post
    don't take anything personally unless it's positive, focus your awareness on things outside yourself at all times, never analyze your own identity. anytime you find yourself 'breaking out of the flow', pull yourself in. Instant self-forgiveness. Ascend 2 the stars.
    This is good advice but it's kind of hard for me to focus my attention away from my ego like that...it feels like I'll lose my grounding. Very few things in the outside world interest me anymore.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    The thing is, alot of it feels unnatural...like something I have to consciously control. At times I'm able to play the role to a tee, and am even able to convince myself that I was always supposed to be this calm, serious, subtle, aloof, decisive guy, and that whatever I was doing before was the result of overcompensation. Usually though, I feel at conflict with myself and I'm constantly getting flashbacks to all the embarrassing shit I did when I was 15-17 that the IEE description only serves to remind me of. There was absolutely nothing redeemable about me then. I was a complete tryhard and still am to a certain extent.

    It brought me comfort because I imagined that the people I'd potentially bring into my life (in some distant future) would actually be able to appreciate me. I felt like someone worthwhile...like I was coming into my own.

    It hasn't improved my interactions at all. I've practically lost all interest in socializing.
    You're talking about the contexts of parental "guidance", immature and unexperienced peer criticism, overwhelmed teachers, etc. As Narc brought up, you're also under the influence of a not yet matured mind. I know that this doesn't help much, but please don't judge yourself too harshly for being a growing maturing teen. I bet 97% of the posters here have done embarrassing decisions, stupid actions, etc Some that even they can barely admit to themselves. (Including me )

    Part of growing up is making mistakes. LOTS of mistakes. Wisdom comes from learning from those mistakes.
    And who better to teach us life lessons than ourselves?

    Those flashbacks that plague you, spend some time analyzing them. What was the situation? what did you do? Why did you do what you did? If presented with that type of situation now, what would you do now? What do you hope you would do? How can you help get yourself into the mindset of a person who would do that ideal?

    Those parts of yourself that you didn't like...or don't like...what one small doable thing can you do to change that part for your future self? Even small, seemingly insignificant changes can make huge differences down the road.

    And finally, look for the positive parts of yourself. Don't be lazy about this, look for it. No matter how small or seemingly stupid you think others might think it, screw them, screw their opinions...find some small aspects to yourself that you like. What the seeker seeks, the finder finds. If all you seek for is the negative, then that is all you will find. So practice seeking the positive. Keep doing this throughout your life, and don't quit without finding at least three really good parts of yourself that YOU like and that YOU appreciate. And to hell with those who don't.

    And by doing things like this, you'll start moving away from your embarrassing past towards coming into your own, towards being the kind of person you can appreciate. And this will reflect in your outlook, your behaviors, and your interactions with others. And all that will draw in those people you dream of having in your life.


    /soapbox
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    Quote Originally Posted by JWC3 View Post
    Whats really good for this sort of thing is reflection. Keep a diary, make a point to sit outside without any intention or stuff happening, talk to yourself, whatever really. If you're anything like me it'll prolly be scary and painful at first, but worth it.
    how come?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    What?
    Not sure... need the rest of the date to be sure.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bolong View Post
    how come?
    Well, I don't like myself currently. I don't like to be alone with my thoughts. I loath the self-pity and hatred that seems to come so easily to me right now. I don't even like those moments alone in bed waiting for sleep to come. I used to self medicate. I'd take sleeping pills just so I wouldn't have time to reflect on tearing every little detail of myself and my day appart. Thinking that everything I'd done should've been done better, from social interactions to my job to stupid shit like not recycling. I wouldn't even take solace in the effort I was putting fourth, even if I was trying I could try better, try harder, make more progress to fix every little thing about me.

    I still get that way sometimes, I'm getting better. I can detail what I'm doing and why I think it's working if that what interests either you or the OP or anyone.

    Really though, if you don't face your demons, don't get to know them intimately, you can't beat them. I can't anyway.

    So now I accept that sometimes I'm gonna have a bad day, and sometimes I'm going to attack myself so intimately that I'll bring myself to tears. It sucks but I'm still here. Came close, but hasn't killed me yet and I very strongly believe that even if I slip into that place of wrath, there is no fire that cannot be relit. I might cry my fire out, but I've got more matches when I'm done.

    As arrogant as it sounds I've come to realize that not even I can stand in my own way, not permanently, not forever.
    Last edited by JWC3; 04-09-2014 at 04:27 AM.
    Easy Day

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    - I've always been nothing more than a passive nuisance. Corny, awkward and forgettable.), and am glad to have seemingly grown out of, but I figure no good can come out of shaming my past...While I wish I could've been dealt a 'better' hand, it seems I have no choice but to resign myself to my fate.

    I'm not sure where I'm trying to go with this, but I just needed to let this out.
    you sound like you have been depressed for a freakin' long time that you've associated this bleak, low, depressive state with your normal state. depression causes a vicious cycle of negative thoughts that feed and reinforce each other, making it difficult to pull yourself out of a rut. it can suck you in for years as your own thoughts and emotions lead you down even further. i would agree with @truck that you need to look outside of yourself at this point.

    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    The worst thing about it is that Ne just seems banal and inconsequential. It does absolutely nothing for me anymore. Even when I 'strived' on it, it never amounted to anything more than mindlessly reading Wikipedia articles, being an annoying pos, and a constant state of restlessness, confusion and dissatisfaction.
    what about ni? does it do anything for you?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    ...snip...
    dude.. happiness is a choice, not something that happens to you. the world isn't a living entity; it's a force that can't be negotiated with. attach your personal fulfillment to forces beyond your control and your life will only sporadically reflect your ambitions.

    and as for your past: it's something you'll always have to live with. you can either learn from your mistakes and gain agency and wisdom, or you can choose to live in a personal hell. you freedom to believe what you want is absolute and your life is entirely in your hands.*

    take this proverb to heart: write the bad things that happen to you in sand and the good things in marble.


    * beyond truly unfortunate circumstances like famine, growing up in a war-torn country, etc.
    It was in the reign of George III that the aforesaid personages lived and quarrelled; good or bad, handsome or ugly, rich or poor, they are all equal now.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    This is good advice but it's kind of hard for me to focus my attention away from my ego like that...it feels like I'll lose my grounding. Very few things in the outside world interest me anymore.
    is it possible you have depression?

    (edit- just saw @Nevero's post, but yeah, second it)

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    I believe you are ESI and enneagram 6.

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    i'm sorry @Suedehead, I try to read your posts but my eyes are all like "oh, boobies"

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    I think looking outside yourself may be useful because the world may surprise you. I know that feeling of not being able to do so without falling apart; but it's only through slowly and incrementally doing it that you realize that things can be okay. I also don't know your current life situation or whether that environment is good for you, but maybe you can try to do small things (like socialize without expectations, or whatever else related to school, etc) without wanting or needing it to yield anything nor placing pressure on yourself to do or feel better right away.

    Also about the past; it's true that it places people on unequal footing. But I think that having a sense of willpower and agency is important too, towards changing things, and to find that you have to first learn to appreciate and nurture what's positive about yourself. Basically I think you have to be brave and give yourself encouragement even when you believe you don't deserve it. Don't blame yourself for being unable to deal with things right now; just try to treat yourself better and see what you can do to make small positive changes in your life.

    Also I agree with what posters have said about depression.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Suedehead View Post
    The thing is, alot of it feels unnatural...like something I have to consciously control. At times I'm able to play the role to a tee, and am even able to convince myself that I was always supposed to be this calm, serious, subtle, aloof, decisive guy, and that whatever I was doing before was the result of overcompensation. Usually though, I feel at conflict with myself and I'm constantly getting flashbacks to all the embarrassing shit I did when I was 15-17 that the IEE description only serves to remind me of. There was absolutely nothing redeemable about me then. I was a complete tryhard and still am to a certain extent.

    It brought me comfort because I imagined that the people I'd potentially bring into my life (in some distant future) would actually be able to appreciate me. I felt like someone worthwhile...like I was coming into my own.

    It hasn't improved my interactions at all. I've practically lost all interest in socializing.
    I've been on a "fuck socializing" spree too, and it feels like a great weight has been lifted off of me. The weather's getting more beautiful outside. An iPod full of music you love and a nice open area to chill out in will make a world of difference. Just you, a field of grass, the warming air, the trees coming to life, and you don't have to answer to a damned thing; no idea here, but if your own thoughts are roaring at you, make the music roar louder.

    Here's the first song on the first full album from a likely IEE guy who had a big part of his world blow apart with an unfortunate shotgun blast:



    "this is a call to all my past resignations..."

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    I'm just a year older then you and I've gone through the same thing you have, I agree with the people above in that you probably have depression. All I can say is if that's the case you're not going to be seeing yourself in an accurate way, and socionics isn't going to be of any use to you.

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    Thanks everyone.

    I'm feeling a bit better today. I know it probably won't last, but I wasn't really expecting my mood to improve any time soon. Today was pretty alright..got a haircut, took a few photos in the city...

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    Quote Originally Posted by JWC3 View Post

    I still get that way sometimes, I'm getting better. I can detail what I'm doing and why I think it's working if that what interests either you or the OP or anyone.
    Yes, I'd like to hear about it.

    Also,

    Attached Images Attached Images

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    The Soul Happy-er JWC3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bolong View Post
    Yes, I'd like to hear about it.]
    Sure.

    "Getting a good nights rest" Is something people say in a lot of different ways, but mostly that's always been a bit vague for me and not entirely possible since some nights it's in my best interests to attend comedy shows or what have you. Instead I make it a point to get up at the same time every day, regardless of workday or not or if I had to stay out late the night before. Getting up right when my alarm clock goes off has done a lot for normalizing my sleep schedule and it makes the late nights not feel so draining the next day.

    On the sleep side of things again, I got all those annoying lights out of my room. Like the vcr clock, the power light on any electronics, all of it got unplugged since I hardly use them anyway, and if I do I just cover them with something before bed.

    As soon as I wake up I start doing push-ups and some other minor stuff. It's less of an exercise thing and more of a thing that is difficult enough to keep me from focusing on beating myself up over yesterday 1st thing in the morning.

    I've been making an effort to eat well, starting the day out with like a V8 or fruit smoothie and a multivitamin. Not eating out as much is both a health and budget thing, I've got bills to pay too. Lunch is usually a walk around the city to pick up a loaf of day old bread and a hunk of cheese or fruit, which generally costs 3$ at most.

    I've been reading body language for dummies and I'm sure you've heard people talk about how body language can affect your mood or dispostition, if not it's a thing people say. So I make an effort to listen to music daily, just so I have something to nod my head to which the book says can put you in a good mood. It works for me, I'm not sure if it's the actual nodding or the fact that I laugh at myself for thinking nodding is going to have any effect at all, but either way it puts a smile on my face. If I'm feeling prticularly anxious about something I sit down, lean back, and put my hands behind my head which is a "comfort" posture, it works better than doing nothing. Other than that just having good sitting and standing posture and keeping my hands out of my pockets. Little shit.

    That's all pretty general stuff that most anyone can do. Outside of that I try to fill my free time, learning guitar, performing stand-up, writting a limmerick book, exercising, hanging out with friends, reading the books everyone here suggested I reivew, anything I can really. I do enjoy those things, even if I'm sour in the moment and they all are skills I can foster, which will eventually be far more valuable to me than just wasting time taking sleep pills or doing drugs to avoid myself.

    Socially if I feel I've accidentally put my foot in my mouth for some perceived slight I make a point to apologize, which keeps me from beating myself up for days when universally people just laugh at my apology/insecurity and tell me they didn't think anything negative in the first place.

    Oh, and I like to fuck with the student loan people when they call.
    Easy Day

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    Quote Originally Posted by JWC3 View Post
    Sure.

    "Getting a good nights rest" Is something people say in a lot of different ways, but mostly that's always been a bit vague for me and not entirely possible since some nights it's in my best interests to attend comedy shows or what have you. Instead I make it a point to get up at the same time every day, regardless of workday or not or if I had to stay out late the night before. Getting up right when my alarm clock goes off has done a lot for normalizing my sleep schedule and it makes the late nights not feel so draining the next day.

    On the sleep side of things again, I got all those annoying lights out of my room. Like the vcr clock, the power light on any electronics, all of it got unplugged since I hardly use them anyway, and if I do I just cover them with something before bed.

    As soon as I wake up I start doing push-ups and some other minor stuff. It's less of an exercise thing and more of a thing that is difficult enough to keep me from focusing on beating myself up over yesterday 1st thing in the morning.

    I've been making an effort to eat well, starting the day out with like a V8 or fruit smoothie and a multivitamin. Not eating out as much is both a health and budget thing, I've got bills to pay too. Lunch is usually a walk around the city to pick up a loaf of day old bread and a hunk of cheese or fruit, which generally costs 3$ at most.

    I've been reading body language for dummies and I'm sure you've heard people talk about how body language can affect your mood or dispostition, if not it's a thing people say. So I make an effort to listen to music daily, just so I have something to nod my head to which the book says can put you in a good mood. It works for me, I'm not sure if it's the actual nodding or the fact that I laugh at myself for thinking nodding is going to have any effect at all, but either way it puts a smile on my face. If I'm feeling prticularly anxious about something I sit down, lean back, and put my hands behind my head which is a "comfort" posture, it works better than doing nothing. Other than that just having good sitting and standing posture and keeping my hands out of my pockets. Little shit.

    That's all pretty general stuff that most anyone can do. Outside of that I try to fill my free time, learning guitar, performing stand-up, writting a limmerick book, exercising, hanging out with friends, reading the books everyone here suggested I reivew, anything I can really. I do enjoy those things, even if I'm sour in the moment and they all are skills I can foster, which will eventually be far more valuable to me than just wasting time taking sleep pills or doing drugs to avoid myself.

    Socially if I feel I've accidentally put my foot in my mouth for some perceived slight I make a point to apologize, which keeps me from beating myself up for days when universally people just laugh at my apology/insecurity and tell me they didn't think anything negative in the first place.

    Oh, and I like to fuck with the student loan people when they call.
    haha.

    I relate to a lot of stuff you say here, and I tried doing the same things when I was going through the worst phase of my depression. I usually never was able to wake up as early as I wanted though, or do exercise, or eat lunch at the right time.. I would get so stuck that it would never even occur to me that I should play music, and if I did think of it, I would get scared that I might hear something that triggers a memory and get depressed all over again. But if it happened that I put something on without thinking about it, the music would lift my mood so much that I would wonder what I was so upset about in the first place.

    I've been on a track that I'm happy with for quite some time now, but once in a while I'll think of something depressing (usually a distorted memory of my past) and then I feel like I can't deal with the world at all - and I miss work/classes that whole day.

    But one thing I've realized, is that all that good advice given to depressed people seems to be Si stuff. Getting good sleep, eating right, getting exercise. At least I see it as Si stuff. And for me, that becomes a "routine" in my head. When I put too much emphasis on this routine, it actually messes everything up. Probably bc when I pay attention to that I'm suppressing my ego function.

    For example, if I have a big day the next day, and I fret about eating early, and getting to bed early, I will, without fail, not get any sleep that night and everything will go wrong the next day. And yet, I feel this paranoia sometimes that I should follow this routine, that bc of my depression I've lost my confidence in myself and can't think straight, so I should stick to the routine so I don't fuck up.

    I had a big day today too, but last night my bf and I were drinking (we drink every night), watching some videos and talking, and we got excited for some reason with our conversation so we drank more than usual, stayed up really late, forgot to eat dinner... and today I had a great day. I felt like I could take on anything. And that I can move forward now to the next step, which is making this feeling the "norm."

    Also, inspiration > comfort.
    Last edited by bolong; 04-11-2014 at 05:57 AM.

  40. #40
    The Soul Happy-er JWC3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bolong View Post
    haha.

    I relate to a lot of stuff you say here, and I tried doing the same things when I was going through the worst phase of my depression. I usually never was able to wake up as early as I wanted though, or do exercise, or eat lunch at the right time.. I would get so stuck that it would never even occur to me that I should play music, and if I did think of it, I would get scared that I might hear something that triggers a memory and get depressed all over again. But if it happened that I put something on without thinking about it, the music would lift my mood so much that I would wonder what I was so upset about in the first place.

    I've been on a track that I'm happy with for quite some time now, but once in a while I'll think of something depressing (usually a distorted memory of my past) and then I feel like I can't deal with the world at all - and I miss work/classes that whole day.

    But one thing I've realized, is that all that good advice given to depressed people seems to be Si stuff. Getting good sleep, eating right, getting exercise. At least I see it as Si stuff. And for me, that becomes a "routine" in my head. When I put too much emphasis on this routine, it actually messes everything up. Probably bc when I pay attention to that I'm suppressing my ego function.

    For example, if I have a big day the next day, and I fret about eating early, and getting to bed early, I will, without fail, not get any sleep that night and everything will go wrong the next day. And yet, I feel this paranoia sometimes that I should follow this routine, that bc of my depression I've lost my confidence in myself and can't think straight, so I should stick to the routine so I don't fuck up.

    I had a big day today too, but last night my bf and I were drinking (we drink every night), watching some videos and talking, and we got excited for some reason with our conversation so we drank more than usual, stayed up really late, forgot to eat dinner... and today I had a great day. I felt like I could take on anything. And that I can move forward now to the next step, which is making this feeling the "norm."

    Also, inspiration > comfort.
    Whatever works

    Personally I don't like being subjected to my own flighty emotional state. Jubilant or despondent it's more important that I know I can get the things done I know I want to do and, doing them well inspite of how I feel in the moment is empowering for me.

    Through committed action my sentiment becomes my slave. It damn well better feel motivated and inspired cause I've got shit to do and I'm not waiting for a good day.
    Easy Day

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