5-Minute enneagram type descriptions
the 5 minute enneagram test - http://www.handprint.com/HM/ENN/egram.html
of all the enneagram type profiles that I've read these were the most insightful for the amount of text put out for their sake
Type 1 - Idealist
Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 1, the IDEALIST, also known as the PERFECTIONIST or the BUSYBODY.
You are very conscientious and highly principled, and are affronted when nobody cares. You have a strong sense of right and wrong, are well organized and orderly, and want everybody to know it.
Your SECRET JOYS include catching people in compromising situations and scolding children for their table manners. You thrill to the idea of getting very close to trouble but being virtuous enough to avoid it.
Some of your SECRET FEARS are that someone may notice you're wearing dirty underwear, or that you forget an appointment, get spinach stuck to your teeth, or get caught out as a hypocrite.
Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 4, the ARTIST. Here you make everyone miserable with your criticism and carping and whining about how you suffer from the purity of your sensibility and the refinement of your tastes. People will secretly hope that you commit suicide, and you will feel entirely gratified by denying them that satisfaction.
When you are AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 7, the ENTHUSIAST, where you nurture the purest, most admirable qualities of your personality, such as your boundless optimism, perfect breeding, and courageous tolerance of others. At these times you enjoy gathering in the company of those with exactly the same attributes: this is called a Republican Convention.
Type 2 - Helper
Your core personality is probably
Enneagram Type 2, the HELPER
also known as the NURTURER or the GOFER.
You're so needy in relationships that you will go to any length to please other people, no matter what they do to you in return. You either become a manipulative neurotic or a quivering love-slave to your idolized King of Kings.
Your SECRET JOYS include being humilated for affection. You love to cringe and scrape for just a few crumbs of love, to violate someone's privacy in the service of your morbid curiosity, and to work so hard for someone that you make yourself sick.
Some of your SECRET FEARS are that people will find out how needy you really are, that you will turn into a cheap slut, that your lover is a cheap slut, that your Christmas gifts will get returned, or that people laugh at you behind your back. Which they do anyway.
Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 8, the LEADER. You may take on impossible tasks in order to feel worthy of drawing breath, or climb on a cross in order to berate your precious loved ones for their ingratitude after all the many things you've done for them.
AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 4, the ARTIST. You start to get in touch with your feelings, develop a fondness for tacky art, wear loud fabrics, and blather on about the progress of your inner healing from the love addiction trip you've been on for so many years.
Type 3 - Performer
Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 3, the PERFORMER, also known as the ACHIEVER or the SHOWOFF.
You have such an impoverished understanding of life that you can compulsively believe your task is the most important activity in the universe. Your ratlike view of self-improvement means you will blindly run any treadmill a cunning supervisor or spouse puts under your paws.
Your SECRET JOYS include getting awarded little plaques and faux-parchment certificates, discovering your smiling photo in some cheap industry publication, making your coworkers look like lazy idiots, and shouting salutations to people you spot in parking lots.
Some of your SECRET FEARS are that people will pay more attention to someone other than you, some jerk will ask you a question you're not smart enough to answer, you'll get fired to make way for a younger worker, or you'll arrive at a meeting with your fly open.
Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 9, the PEACEMAKER. You become a total tool of your superiors and submit to any kind of humiliation in order to meet impossible work demands.
AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 6, the JOINER. You accept your limitations, ignore the food stains on your clothes, work no harder than necessary, and give teary-eyed thanks for the cheap watch you receive at your group retirement dinner.
Type 4 - Artist
Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 4, the ARTIST, also known as the VISIONARY or the SLACKER.
You are so wrapped up in your own quote sensitivity, creativity and intuition unquote that you are completely walled off from other people. You would rather stare at a painting or listen to music than deal with reality. You retreat inside your imagination not because it is profound, but because it's never challenging.
Your SECRET JOYS include showing your independence by acting in ways that other people would consider utterly stupid, and expressing your individuality over and over and over and over -- until you are up to your ears in your own unique personal individual rut.
Some of your SECRET FEARS are that people will just get bored with you, that you will end up with a job in an insurance company or bank, that you will actually have to work hard on a regular basis, or that you will get so depressed with your inadequacies that you will kill yourself. No loss to the world if you do.
Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 2, the HELPER. This could lead you to barter your body or your self-respect -- under the guise of expressing your independence or tasting a forbidden love -- to get a feeble semblance of intimacy.
AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 1, the IDEALIST. You think of yourself as a work of art, develop intricate exegetical accounts of your life history, expound Your View of You to whoever will sit still for it, and singlehandedly put one or two therapists into wealthy retirement.
Type 5 - Thinker
Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 5, the THINKER, also known as the INTELLECTUAL or the NERD.
You are so logical and analytical that your guts are all dried out. Your expertise can't hide the fact that you're afraid to plunge into the real world. You fundamentally abhor ambiguity or complexity. The more perceptive and observant you are, the more often you feel the paranoia of your own shortcomings, particularly toward other people.
Your SECRET JOYS include doing math or crossword problems in your head, teaching children how to multiply, determining experimentally the exact best heat setting on your toaster, keeping careful track of expenses and gas mileage, and reading the columns of Marilyn vos Savant.
Some of your SECRET FEARS are that you will lose a treasured tool, that you'll mispronounce a common technical term, that you'll get ripped off by a common tradesman, or that you will blunder away your Queen for a Knight and two Pawns.
Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 7, the ENTHUSIAST. You become so desperate to appear smarter than everyone else that you seek to become an expert in all things, driving you either into ironic deconstructionist bullshit or into a chronically argumentative but platitudinous approach to every topic that you happen to talk about.
AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 8, the LEADER. You expiate on topics with such boundless and pointless erudition that you appear once or twice on public broadcasting, purchase environmentally friendly products far in advance of your neighbors, and develop a politically correct speaking style hung on nothing but abstract nouns and passive verbs.
Type 6 - Joiner
Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 6, the JOINER, also known as the BELONGER or the SIMPLETON.
You seem like a loyal friend and good employee, but this is because of your rigid sense of duty and panicky need for explicit institutional structure. You're so conventional and conformist that you are often paralyzed by indecision and fear, which may force you to senselessly impulsive decisions as your only way out of the impasse.
Your SECRET JOYS include belonging to a large number of organizations, having at least five friends you've kept since high school, hearing your cooking or parenting skills praised in a supermarket checkout line, having your family portrait on display where you work, and believing in God.
Some of your SECRET FEARS are that you will have to face a police officer all by yourself, that you will not have someone to gossip with, that you will not be invited to a neighbor's party, or that no one will offer you a seat when you get there, or that there is no God and this is all a joke. And ha ha ha, the joke's on you.
Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 3, the PERFORMER. You try to gain group acceptance by hard work and diligence, but because this goes against your basic abhorrence of standing out and your fundamental lack of significant talent, you churn with anxiety and insecurity every day of your life.
AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 9, the PEACEMAKER. You acquire a bland trust in the group's wisdom and help to stabilize group conflict by always agreeing with the dominating or most conservative faction in any decision the group faces. Because you instinctively gravitate to the winning side, you amass a small prestige over time, so that your inability to grasp both sides of an issue makes dissent appear nonsensical before it arises.
Type 7 - Enthusiast
Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 7, the ENTHUSIAST, also known as the DILETTANTE or the QUITTER.
You are highly responsive, excitable, and enthusastic about sensations and experiences. So sensitive, lively and spontaneous, in fact, that if you had an ounce of insight you'd realize you're living a life without purpose. Whenever you stumble into a partial awareness of your utter superficiality, you quickly find a drug, party, or sensual infatuation to help you forget about it.
Your SECRET JOYS include having an orgasm, skipping dinner for dessert, driving while drunk, flirting with strangers, having sex without a condom, telling your boss to go fuck himself, leaving clothes on the floor, and developing a deep connection with a dumb barking animal.
Some of your SECRET FEARS are that you will not have anyone to party with on weekends, that you'll be trapped at home on a rainy day with nothing to do, that you will have to work the same job for more than two months at a stretch, that your love interest will ask you for a commitment, or that you will run out of booze.
Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 1, the IDEALIST. You plunge into a twelve-step program, religious movement, or new age self-improvement fraud in a desperate search for order and structure in your life. You preach your conversion loud and often, until the novelty wears off and you wander into something new.
AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 5, the THINKER. You turn your flighty and lightweight personality toward fatuous philosophizing and cosmic moralizing, discovering that you're much more in demand with your drinking buddies when you can offer them platitudes to ridicule. And best of all, because you seem to be sincerely grappling with life's mysteries, nobody cares that you never stick with anything long enough to find real answers.
Type 8 - Leader
Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 8, the LEADER, also known as the BOSS or the ASSHOLE.
You like to be in control and assert your will on other people -- especially children, the elderly, and service employees. You often shout, swear, get red in the face, pound on or throw things, and tug at your pants. You claim not to care what other people think, yet you want them to fear you as often as possible. You love to protect other people, especially women, then ridicule them as weak and incompetent.
Your SECRET JOYS are turning a screw or locknut extra tight, haranguing clerks or waitresses about bad service, imposing senseless work procedures on helpless underlings, installing The ClubTM on your car's steering wheel, and cleaning your shotgun.
Some of your SECRET FEARS are that you will feel afraid, that you will feel afraid of your fear of feeling afraid, that you will have a prostate exam, that you will thrill to the prostate exam, that you will take a shower with a homosexual, or that you will be insulted by a car full of black teenagers.
Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 5, the THINKER. You develop insane justifications for your need to control others, and may succumb to conspiracy theories or unbridled hatred of government. You spout intricate rationales for segregation, euthanasia, and a full deployment of stealth technology.
AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 2, the HELPER. You become infatuated with your supposed ability to help others, intrude yourself into a variety of highly visible charity roles, and develop self-serving stories about your desire to "give back to the community" -- all the time making sure you get a nice little kickback on the side.
Type 9 - Peacemaker
Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 9, the PEACEMAKER, also known as the MEDIATOR or the DISHRAG.
You are very accommodating, harmonizing, good-natured, and cravenly spineless in all things. You will do almost anything to maintain a peaceful environment and will cave in to any intimidation in order to avoid confrontation.
Your SECRET JOYS include sing alongs, minivans with junk hanging from the rear view mirror, all-white neighborhoods, ASCII email pictures of Santa and his reindeer, little snacks in cut crystal dishes, and anything that let's you croon aloud, "oh, isn't that cuuute!"
Some of your SECRET FEARS are that you will get lost in an unfamiliar neighborhood, that someone will bump into your car, that you will encounter a rude waitress, or that you will knock over something in a store and everyone will look at you.
Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 6, the JOINER. You become so obsessed with potential threats that you seek out and cower within the largest and most regimented social herd you can find, hoping in this way to dilute your personal exposure and vulnerability.
AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 3, the PERFORMER. You develop a variety of cheerleader and positive attitude strategems to quell hostility, create a forced good cheer, give everyone a little job to do, and then find that people start calling in sick because you've exhausted everyone's patience with your simpering suppression of conflict.
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Originally Posted by Absurd
