Helping an SEI ISFp lose weight

[consentingadult]

SEIs are sometimes stereotypically typed as overweight people. I'm wondering: in which ways would an ILE support an SEI that wants to lose weight?

To put it more specifically: my GF is overweight, wants to lose it, but has issues with her knees, so the more standard ways of exercise are painful for her. Imo, she needs to exercise in a way that burns fat, but doesn't strain her joints, so e.g. swimming would be ideal. And although she already swims at least once a week, she is not going to strain herself to a heart rate that will actually start burning fat. She would rather focus on a wheat-free diet, which she has been doing for years with no lasting results.

My recommendations fall on deaf ears. How would an ILE go about it? Would they be supportive of weight loss at all?

[xerx]

SEIs are not stereotypically overweight.

[mu4]

Reduce calorie intake. I'm not really sure if it will work really, I don't find SEI's terribly overweight, most often just slightly, or somewhat. They take no pleasure in massive overeating nor in strict diets. The best way to help them is probably to organize the buying of groceries and meals so food is filling and low calorie, and then do not cook too much.

Also forget about "burning" fat or working out heavily, just eat less. If she's already swimming that's fine.

[Amber]

I find SEI kind of negligent and not into organized diets. They wouldn't sacrifice food that tastes good for looking better easily. Those I know have done some yoga and gym to compensate for that.

[squirreltual]

I would feed her chillies, green tea and other metabolism increasers; give her the D as often as possible; take her dancing, kite flying - active fun stuff that is mood + relationship enhancing and as intense as you make it. If you do it with her, that is supportive. Making it all about losing weight is too much like a chore.

P.S. NTR

[consentingadult]

SEIs are not stereotypically overweight.

Yes, they are! ;-)

Reduce calorie intake. I'm not really sure if it will work really, I don't find SEI's terribly overweight, most often just slightly, or somewhat. They take no pleasure in massive overeating nor in strict diets. The best way to help them is probably to organize the buying of groceries and meals so food is filling and low calorie, and then do not cook too much.

Also forget about "burning" fat or working out heavily, just eat less. If she's already swimming that's fine.

Eat less might actually be my motto, but according to her it's not about eating less, buit eating differently. Which I personally see as a way of evading the problem, she doesn't want to give up some of the stuff, especially large chunks of meat, and cans of Ben & Jerry's.

I would feed her chillies, green tea and other metabolism increasers; give her the D as often as possible; take her dancing, kite flying - active fun stuff that is mood + relationship enhancing and as intense as you make it. If you do it with her, that is supportive. Making it all about losing weight is too much like a chore.

P.S. NTR

She would love to go dancing, but because of her knees, she can't right now. Actually, the wish to be able to go dancing again, is why she wants to lose weight. And true, being overweight is not type related, neither is weight loss. What is the issue here, is how could I work some "ILE karma" that would help her accomplish her goal? Support her and stuff? I'm perfectly willing to lie and fake, only I don't know how.

[mu4]

Eat less might actually be my motto, but according to her it's not about eating less, buit eating differently. Which I personally see as a way of evading the problem, she doesn't want to give up some of the stuff, especially large chunks of meat, and cans of Ben & Jerry's.

She would love to go dancing, but because of her knees, she can't right now. Actually, the wish to be able to go dancing again, is why she wants to lose weight. And true, being overweight is not type related, neither is weight loss. What is the issue here, is how could I work some "ILE karma" that would help her accomplish her goal? Support her and stuff? I'm perfectly willing to lie and fake, only I don't know how.

Don't cater to this sort of thing, a ILE probably wouldn't. Just don't buy the meat or the Ben and Jerry's. Just say it's for their own damn good and don't complain. Frankness and bluntness can go a long way when intent is good.

There isn't a need to "lie" and "fake", it's stupid, regardless of what she things it's important to deal with reality. Eat less or exercise more, pick one or both and do it. I think ILE's can be very blunt with their close ones, no need to tip toe.

[Reficulris]

Not sure actually HKKMR, I wouldn't stop any partner from eating stuff she likes.

What I used to do was plan for my ex, she'd tell me what she wanted to lose and i'd work out a diet "sonja bakker" style with what she'd eat when and what sports she would do. I wouldn't really monitor it, that was too much hassle, but it worked because she had set the goals herself. Not sure what your SEI really wants or needs though, my ex wasn't SEI so...

[squirreltual]

How does she say she'd like for you to help her?

[consentingadult]

How does she say she'd like for you to help her?

She doesn't. She's got it all figured out.

[consentingadult]

Don't cater to this sort of thing, a ILE probably wouldn't. Just don't buy the meat or the Ben and Jerry's. Just say it's for their own damn good and don't complain. Frankness and bluntness can go a long way when intent is good.

There isn't a need to "lie" and "fake", it's stupid, regardless of what she things it's important to deal with reality. Eat less or exercise more, pick one or both and do it. I think ILE's can be very blunt with their close ones, no need to tip toe.

The thing is, of course, that when I'm honest or even blunt and straightforward with her, she gets defensive. Not that I'm tip toeing, if I would be walking on egg shells, I would have been gone already.

Our relationship is pretty laid back and conflict free, but it doesn't seem we are able to help each other reaching personal goals.

[Creepy-bg]

She doesn't. She's got it all figured out.

then what's the problem? let her do her thing, if/when she decides it isn't working for her, then she'll try something else, maybe including being more receptive to your help.

[ashlesha]

i can't speak for ile/sei but in my experience i was frustrated in a relationship where i was trying to lose weight but it was always a struggle to get healthy food in the house because my ex would insist on buying the higher calorie foods and the junk foods and then tell me, "just don't eat as much," or "don't snack, only eat during meals," etc. and i wasn't able to do anything about it until i started buying all my own food and preparing two different meals and whatnot. because he thought he knew all the answers and wasn't willing to work with me. so i think its important to help her on her terms. she IS onto something with it being about the quality of the food she eats and not just about eating less. it might help if you're willing to sacrifice a little too and not just be like.. a motivational speaker, all self righteous and whatnot.

[squirreltual]

She doesn't. She's got it all figured out.

Then unless you ease off on recommendations she may get really stubborn, feel insecure and struggle even more with abandoning her comfort foods. You can support (it's great you are willing) but giving recommendations where she doesn't want interference sounds like dodgy territory, even if you do have her best interests at heart.

Maybe if you are really struggling holding back, explain you have this personal need to feel you are being supportive in her life goals and how it fits in with your idea of togetherness? Then go from there and see if there are other ways you can contribute to her life (as they'll contribute to her overall motivation)? Idk if that makes sense but it seems like there's a possibility to compromise here and for both your needs to be met.

[mu4]

Not sure actually HKKMR, I wouldn't stop any partner from eating stuff she likes.

What I used to do was plan for my ex, she'd tell me what she wanted to lose and i'd work out a diet "sonja bakker" style with what she'd eat when and what sports she would do. I wouldn't really monitor it, that was too much hassle, but it worked because she had set the goals herself. Not sure what your SEI really wants or needs though, my ex wasn't SEI so...

It really depends if someone asked for my help losing weight, I certainty would help but I wouldn't ask someone who loved food to lose weight, I love food myself too much.

But if I was living with someone who wanted to lose weight and had a hard time controlling themselves with food, I would simply make sure there wasn't any food that was bad around and this way you just have to live with what you got. This is how I live anyways.

[xerx]

Yes, they are! ;-)

no they're not.

[FoxOnStilts]

You can't unless they want to haha.

But you can help them find good, yummy recipes that they maybe haven't had or thought of having before that are healthy. I know my SEI doesn't usually 'eat' outside of his comfort zone and makes the same things a lot, but he'll usually eat if i make something new, or if I get really excited about wanting to try something new, he'll go out of his way to find a recipe and make it for me. Otherwise I'd imagine it would be hard. I'm bad at putting my foot down and deciding to not buy ice cream, and so is he.

Although, apparently he lost a lot of weight when he got divorced, so you could try that.

[Joy]

There are water cardio classes at most gyms that have pools.

Drink water. Eat lots of fiber. Don't deny yummy treats, but control portion sizes. Remember it takes like six months for your appetite to adjust so that you're full after eating a smaller portion.

This will sound stupid, but make her feel skinny. The more she can visualize being thinner the more motivation she'll have to make little decision after little decision that will result in weight loss.

So in short, I have no idea. lol

[Creepy-bg]

It doesn't sound like she wants to lose weight. Sorry, but it sounds like she's lying to you so you feel good. It doesn't sound like she's willing to change her exercise/eating habits at all, and doesn't want to change in general.

You can lead a horse to water, but...

I wouldn't go that far to say that she's lying. I did wonder a bit after he said all this if maybe she's agreeing based on his prodding in order to help her stay on track (after she mentioned it). But honestly, assuming that I'm SEI, I'll talk about/want to do something for a long time before I'll get my head into a position where I just say fuck it, and do it (and no, I'm not looking for somebody to help me with that), especially if it's a major commitment or life changing. It's much more comfortable/natural to just accept/live with things as they are, until there's a real need to do something about it. The support I'd be looking for would be to have somebody listen and be positive that it can be done when it's on my mind, not be there pushing and reminding me of it when it isn't (in fact, that's going to have the exact opposite effect, it's going to make me dread/avoid dealing with it). And Especially not piling on/thinking a bunch of negative shit like the following...

Also, if you plan on ever having kids with her, women usually weigh more after having kids than before. The weight problem will only get worse. I know from a couple in my own family actually - the husband wasn't happy with his wife's weight before they were married with kids, and after they had kids, he would start making fun of her weight with stupid, hurtful comments. It was very damaging to his wife. It led to a divorce.

Kids or not, this girl sounds like she's not going to change at all, or listen to any suggestions. Procrastination will only compound the problem. She'll likely get bigger. Probably won't try to lose weight unless she has a big reality check - a heart attack, breakup, or something else.

The solution is simple - if her weight is a minor thing to you, and you want to be with her, then you can try some of the suggestions others in this thread have made and live with it.

^that parts good though, basically what I was thinking.


When it's a big enough deal to her to do something about it, she'll do something about it (or seek real help). Until then, she may bring it up from time to time, but I wouldn't call it a goal as in OMG WE'RE GUNNA GET THIS DONE! until it's obvious that that's where she's at, and at that point, she'll let you know what she needs from you.

[Creepy-bg]

Then unless you ease off on recommendations she may get really stubborn, feel insecure and struggle even more with abandoning her comfort foods. You can support (it's great you are willing) but giving recommendations where she doesn't want interference sounds like dodgy territory, even if you do have her best interests at heart.

^ and that.

[krieger]

taking up cycling as a hobby is an option. if you're in the netherlands you should be able to get some interesting places by doing it regularly. having visited stuff in your neighborhood already is an incentive to increase the length of your trips gradually. plan out the trips with destination in mind to fight the tedium.

but yeah, picking up the healthy habits yourself is probably a good way to be supportive; make her feel like she isn't in this alone. and you might be able to get rid of some internal fat yourself. not all of it is visible from the outside and many skinny people carry excessive fat within them.

[consentingadult]

It doesn't sound like she wants to lose weight. Sorry, but it sounds like she's lying to you so you feel good. It doesn't sound like she's willing to change her exercise/eating habits at all, and doesn't want to change in general.

You can lead a horse to water, but...



I don't believe in trying to change people in relationships. Never seems to work. The solution is simple - if her weight is a minor thing to you, and you want to be with her, then you can try some of the suggestions others in this thread have made and live with it. If it's an issue that really bothers you, then break up with her and move on.

Also, if you plan on ever having kids with her, women usually weigh more after having kids than before. The weight problem will only get worse. I know from a couple in my own family actually - the husband wasn't happy with his wife's weight before they were married with kids, and after they had kids, he would start making fun of her weight with stupid, hurtful comments. It was very damaging to his wife. It led to a divorce.

Kids or not, this girl sounds like she's not going to change at all, or listen to any suggestions. Procrastination will only compound the problem. She'll likely get bigger. Probably won't try to lose weight unless she has a big reality check - a heart attack, breakup, or something else.



Also, your wording here is weird and stuck out to me. Are you sure losing weight is her personal goal? It doesn't sound like she cares. It sounds like it's a goal YOU are IMPOSING on HER. Are you able to appreciate this girl for who she is?

I'm sorry, but you are drawing completely wrong conclusions here, about the situation, my relationship and my involvement in her weight problems. They are so wrong, that I will not even bother to explain any further.

[consentingadult]

There are water cardio classes at most gyms that have pools.

Drink water. Eat lots of fiber. Don't deny yummy treats, but control portion sizes. Remember it takes like six months for your appetite to adjust so that you're full after eating a smaller portion.

This will sound stupid, but make her feel skinny. The more she can visualize being thinner the more motivation she'll have to make little decision after little decision that will result in weight loss.

So in short, I have no idea. lol

As far as I'm concerned, things are okay as they are. She herself doesn't so much want to lose weight, but such is a precondition for getting rid of the joint aches and her wish of being able to dance again.

[consentingadult]

I wouldn't go that far to say that she's lying. I did wonder a bit after he said all this if maybe she's agreeing based on his prodding in order to help her stay on track (after she mentioned it). But honestly, assuming that I'm SEI, I'll talk about/want to do something for a long time before I'll get my head into a position where I just say fuck it, and do it (and no, I'm not looking for somebody to help me with that), especially if it's a major commitment or life changing. It's much more comfortable/natural to just accept/live with things as they are, until there's a real need to do something about it. The support I'd be looking for would be to have somebody listen and be positive that it can be done when it's on my mind, not be there pushing and reminding me of it when it isn't (in fact, that's going to have the exact opposite effect, it's going to make me dread/avoid dealing with it). And Especially not piling on/thinking a bunch of negative shit like the following...






^that parts good though, basically what I was thinking.


When it's a big enough deal to her to do something about it, she'll do something about it (or seek real help). Until then, she may bring it up from time to time, but I wouldn't call it a goal as in OMG WE'RE GUNNA GET THIS DONE! until it's obvious that that's where she's at, and at that point, she'll let you know what she needs from you.

Like I said, I couldn't care less about her weight. It's she who does, and it's not a goal in itself, it's an enabler for other goals.

The point here is not how I can prod her, but how to support her in a way that helps her achieve her goals. To give some more background. She'll be turning 50 this year. halfway last year, she, at her own request started a program at work, where she is professionally guided being helped with a weight loss program. This is not going as expected. The coaches make her do things that get her injured, they do not take into account the condition of her knees and other joints in the legs. I and her physiotherapist already suggested she should not do these exercises, but do exercises that help her burn fat and built muscles in a way that doesn't strain her joints, e.g. by going swimming. She agrees about that. But then she goes swimming twice a week in a leisurely way, so I tell her such an effort doesn't really produce sweat, let alone it burns fat. But she doesn't want to do that. When I suggest that she does something to eat less, she doesn't want to do that either.

As far as I'm concerned. that's all fine with me. I don't have to live the rest of my life with aching knees. Should I just tell her to shut up and stop whining?

[consentingadult]

P.S. I want to get back on track. The question here is not so much of how do I help her, but what actions an ILE would (or would not) perform in order to support an SEI reaching their goal?

If you don't think type has anything to contribute in this dilemma, please say so.

[Joy]

As far as I'm concerned, things are okay as they are. She herself doesn't so much want to lose weight, but such is a precondition for getting rid of the joint aches and her wish of being able to dance again.

Dancing is an excellent motivator! Focus on the positive mental image. She's ruled out rheumatoid arthritis, right?

I'm not sure how an ILE would respond, but I picture one getting all sciencey about it. Maybe buying fitness gadgets like a Wii fit meter or whatever.

[Iris]

Like I said, I couldn't care less about her weight. It's she who does, and it's not a goal in itself, it's an enabler for other goals.

The point here is not how I can prod her, but how to support her in a way that helps her achieve her goals. To give some more background. She'll be turning 50 this year. halfway last year, she, at her own request started a program at work, where she is professionally guided being helped with a weight loss program. This is not going as expected. The coaches make her do things that get her injured, they do not take into account the condition of her knees and other joints in the legs. I and her physiotherapist already suggested she should not do these exercises, but do exercises that help her burn fat and built muscles in a way that doesn't strain her joints, e.g. by going swimming. She agrees about that. But then she goes swimming twice a week in a leisurely way, so I tell her such an effort doesn't really produce sweat, let alone it burns fat. But she doesn't want to do that. When I suggest that she does something to eat less, she doesn't want to do that either.

As far as I'm concerned. that's all fine with me. I don't have to live the rest of my life with aching knees. Should I just tell her to shut up and stop whining?

No, don't say something like that yet! Try a few other things first.

My SEI sis-in-law is overweight. She did lose a lot of weight a few years ago when my ILE brother suddenly got interested in karate and wanted the whole family to do it. She was actually better at it than him and he was so proud of her and she really loved his admiration of her progress. Then something happened to make him think the instructor was no good and he lost interest and they all quit going. She gained all the weight back. She loves to cook and is happy to sit in her cozy home with her kids and not exercise. She would do anything for them, too bad they don't want her to ride bikes or go for walks with them.

I can testfy that weight loss really helps you feel better. I went from 145 to 120 and my feet felt so much better. I could work all day in high heels and not feel bad at 120, whereas they really hurt after a long day at 145.

Running out of time right now, but I have some ideas for you that I will post later. I would avoid being impatient or controlling, that would never motivate my sis-in-law. She responds to being needed and to Ne enthusiasm. It would be great if you needed her to help you improve your diet and you helped her find some healthy new recipes. Watch Giada's cooking show. She cooks healthy and interesting and easy. She is tiny and in great shape. I think she is an ESE.
@lemontrees might be a good person to help with ideas.

[consentingadult]

taking up cycling as a hobby is an option. if you're in the netherlands you should be able to get some interesting places by doing it regularly. having visited stuff in your neighborhood already is an incentive to increase the length of your trips gradually. plan out the trips with destination in mind to fight the tedium.

but yeah, picking up the healthy habits yourself is probably a good way to be supportive; make her feel like she isn't in this alone. and you might be able to get rid of some internal fat yourself. not all of it is visible from the outside and many skinny people carry excessive fat within them.

Actually, we do cycle whenever we can (I myself actually cycle a lot, as well as walk a lot), but even cycling causes her knees to ache, which is why she rides an electric bicycle (one that adds extra power in addition to muscle power, so it's not like she hasn't got to do anything herself). As far as myself is concerned, I only exercise I need in addition to all the things I already do, is yoga *wink*

[consentingadult]

Dancing is an excellent motivator! Focus on the positive mental image. She's ruled out rheumatoid arthritis, right?

I'm not sure how an ILE would respond, but I picture one getting all sciencey about it. Maybe buying fitness gadgets like a Wii fit meter or whatever.

Yes, arthritis was the offical diagnosis for a long time, but a few years ago x-rays showed it was not arthritis, but something else (can't remember what it was) and she had surgery on one knee. A few months ago it turned out that after the surgery she should have had physiotherapy to stretch muscles, which apparently wasn't properly communicated and thus not performed. That caused problems as well with the training program, but she has had a couple of physiotherapy sessions now and that problem seems to be out of the way.

She is a gadget freak, so gadgets might help!

[consentingadult]

i can't speak for ile/sei but in my experience i was frustrated in a relationship where i was trying to lose weight but it was always a struggle to get healthy food in the house because my ex would insist on buying the higher calorie foods and the junk foods and then tell me, "just don't eat as much," or "don't snack, only eat during meals," etc. and i wasn't able to do anything about it until i started buying all my own food and preparing two different meals and whatnot. because he thought he knew all the answers and wasn't willing to work with me. so i think its important to help her on her terms. she IS onto something with it being about the quality of the food she eats and not just about eating less. it might help if you're willing to sacrifice a little too and not just be like.. a motivational speaker, all self righteous and whatnot.

This could all have applied, but unfortunately, it doesn't. She's in charge of her own food, there are these periods when she avoids certain types of food and then we sort of eat our own meals, and we don't have a problem with that. And I'm far from a motivational speaker. These things are only discussed when she brings it up herself, and since I already know we disagree about many insights, I usually keep my mouth shut and keep to myself what I think about these things, I often let her believe what she wants to believe. However, when explicitly asked, I do often state what I think about the effectiveness of the things she brings up. Sometimes she agrees, sometimes she doesn't.

[lemontrees]

I really don't know...

I was slightly overweight early in college, but then I lost the weight (mostly via not eating) and it never came back. I was in a foreign country one summer where food was expensive and all the locals were very thin. Two birds, one stone.

I am conscious of my weight, and tend to not eat too much unless it's a special occasion. Because I'm sp-last and live alone, there's usually not so much food lying around that I can overgorge on it, although I do try to have just enough. I like the feeling of trying to eat "just enough" through getting creative with balancing different dietary needs (i.e. eating yogurt w/ salad and bread, or drinking hot chocolate w/ milk on a low protein day.) I like buying vegetables b/c I like the colors they make in my fridge, even though as I child I preferred meat. I like buying food of all different dietary groups and getting to mentally organize them (Ti-seeking). I tend to switch what I am eating in phases so I don't get bored. I guess all this goes with what others have said about "making it fun."

I struggled on and off in the past with not eating regularly due to depression, and my body learned how to bypass hunger signals and go straight to making me feel faint and lightheaded. I saw a nutritionist just one time, who suggested a balanced diet to me. When I tried it, I felt better right away (before I relapsed). I think b/c of that experience, I felt first hand the difference good dietary habits can make in my energy level and mood. So now I try to eat regularly, and not too much but right.

What I mean is, perhaps if your girlfriend commits to a different diet and actually feels physical happier perhaps over time she'll commit to that on her own, sacrificing short-term pleasure or habits for more consistent comfort? I don't know. Or maybe encouragement will help... I know a lot of times if I don't act on something it's partially b/c I don't believe my actions will be of any use.

[Joy]

Yes, arthritis was the offical diagnosis for a long time, but a few years ago x-rays showed it was not arthritis, but something else (can't remember what it was) and she had surgery on one knee. A few months ago it turned out that after the surgery she should have had physiotherapy to stretch muscles, which apparently wasn't properly communicated and thus not performed. That caused problems as well with the training program, but she has had a couple of physiotherapy sessions now and that problem seems to be out of the way.

That's good. My mom and her mom have rheumatoid arthritis, and that shit's a degenerative autoimmune disorder that really messes with their lives.

She is a gadget freak, so gadgets might help!

Excellent!

My boyfriend's mom has this super cool sounding meter thing that she wears on her upper arm that somehow keeps track of her heart rate, calories she burns, how much sleep she gets, and how much non-sleep inactivity she does. It also syncs up with myfitnesspal which is a cool phone app that you can use to keep track of calories and exercise. You can actually use the camera on your phone as a bar code scanner for products, and it automatically imports the calories as well as other nutritional information into the program. It can tell you not only how many calories you're eating, but also where your diet is lacking. I seem to have a hard time eating enough potassium, for example.

"St. Nick" brought me a Wii Fit meter, so I just use that. It's basically a glorified pedometer, but it wearing it motivates me to park further away from the store or take the stairs.

[Creepy-bg]

Like I said, I couldn't care less about her weight. It's she who does, and it's not a goal in itself, it's an enabler for other goals.

okay, sorry that I started to assume some stuff about the situation.

[consentingadult]

okay, sorry that I started to assume some stuff about the situation.

No worries!

[Reficulris]

Wii Fit

Also, the swimming might be enough to strenghten her muscles. She doesn't need to burn fat right away, if her knees get better just enough that she can progress to another, a little more straining excerzice regime that'd be good.

To be honest, as an ILE i'd go either way; either it's a small planning or knowledge problem and i'd take over that part for her (but in this case that isn't the case). Alternatively it's complex and requires professional attention and i'd tell her to go to the doktors/physiotherapists/dietrists and bother them untill they fix it.

I generally like to delegate medical stuff to professionals and so that's my ILE advice

[Blaze]

Losing weight is 95% eating and diet.

To answer the OP, as an ILE I'd give the person a copy of Eat to Live, by Joel Fuhrman, MD, which summarizes a huge p,ether of research on nutrition, disease, immunity, weight loss and diet. I would ask her only to read it, not to do anything else. Then see what happens.

Not sure if this would work or anything, but that's what I'd do.

[consentingadult]

What I mean is, perhaps if your girlfriend commits to a different diet and actually feels physical happier perhaps over time she'll commit to that on her own, sacrificing short-term pleasure or habits for more consistent comfort? I don't know. Or maybe encouragement will help... I know a lot of times if I don't act on something it's partially b/c I don't believe my actions will be of any use.

Thanks for the input. This is indeed how I see it myself, she's indeed still 'stuck' in a phase revolving around immediate gratification. I myself started cutting back on meat about 8 years ago, when one day I realized that although meat tastes good, it also makes me sort of passive when I eat too much of it. Imagine a lion having just eaten a zebra, and now lying inactive on its back having his tummy warmed by the sum, tongue hanging out of his mouth. That sort of thing. But according to my GF, cutting back on meat (meaning just one port chop at dinner instead of 2 or even 3) makes her feel depressed. I can imagine that, it's a phase you have to go through. But she refuses to do that.

Now I don't want to create the impression here of my GF being hugely overweight or eating incredible amounts of food, that is not the case. She only stubbornly sticks to her ideas about what's true or not. Recently she found a book that claims the obesity epidemic of the last 30 years in the Western world is caused by new types of genetically modified wheat. Now since she already has a wheat allergy (not so much gluten), this plays right down her alley: she only has to give up on what she doesn't like in the first place.

[consentingadult]

Losing weight is 95% eating and diet.

To answer the OP, as an ILE I'd give the person a copy of Eat to Live, by Joel Fuhrman, MD, which summarizes a huge p,ether of research on nutrition, disease, immunity, weight loss and diet. I would ask her only to read it, not to do anything else. Then see what happens.

Not sure if this would work or anything, but that's what I'd do.

I'll take a look at that. Fuhrman an ILE by any chance?

[Kim]

I don't know if this is type-related, but I can relate to her struggle A LOT since I have battled my weight all my life and only recently underwent a complete change and lost a lot of it (and I am by no means thin yet). So I will just share my experience.

I wanted to primarily be more fit and healthier, but I needed a concrete goal. I decided I will run a specific half marathon a year down the road and started training for it (not by running right away, but by swimming and the elliptical machine to take stress off my knees). Another goal was to look good in a dress for a special occasion and I keep visualizing both as a motivator. I would literally spend an hour on the elliptical imagining myself crossing the finish line or for the first time in my life wearing a bikini (maybe shallow, but if you have never felt comfortable enough to enjoy a day on the beach in even a one-piece bathing suit, the prospect of wearing a bikini is huge). As another strategy, I cut out all room for excuses or lapses (no junky food ever, ridiculously healthy diet, workouts every day without fail). I think I simplified the whole process by removing all potential for not sticking to it (*one piece of chocolate will not hurt* - it will for me). But really, it was my fitness goal that did the trick (and watching the muscular changes in my body). I turned into a total narcissist and paid very close attention to how my body shape was changing and muscles were becoming visible. I also did yoga every day, which is amazing for toning and easy on the joints. Yoga builds muscle (people have the wrong idea about yoga) quite effectively.

I think even if her swimming is leisurely, making it a more routine and more frequent habit can make a difference. Five days a week and perhaps setting a goal of swimming a certain distance in a certain time. It does not have to be hardcore racing to be effective. She will burn calories even at a leisurely pace. Walking might be another option (with the fitness gadgets that people mentioned).

Most importantly, let her know that you will love her regardless. I have had partners who wanted me thinner and praised me for losing weight. It always backfired because eventually I felt too awful about my body to really want to be good to it. So if she were me, I would like support in eating healthy foods together, being active together, noticing changes in a way that does not turn into fat shaming, and feeling accepted regardless and ideally have someone worship (haha) my body the way it is (since the changes are changes I want for me). Do yoga together. I can send you links to some yoga routines that will make anyone work up a sweat and make muscles burn.

And I feel for her. It's hard.

About how much would she like to lose?

[lemontrees]

Thanks for the input. This is indeed how I see it myself, she's indeed still 'stuck' in a phase revolving around immediate gratification. I myself started cutting back on meat about 8 years ago, when one day I realized that although meat tastes good, it also makes me sort of passive when I eat too much of it. Imagine a lion having just eaten a zebra, and now lying inactive on its back having his tummy warmed by the sum, tongue hanging out of his mouth. That sort of thing. .

Yeah, I definitely empathize.

Another thing- I don't know what type you are, so ignore this if it isn't relevant, but it may help to mimic or produce a lot of Ti. I know that when I'm whiny or pouty, Ti can put me in a "yeah you're right I was dumb I will go do that now" mode. Blaze's suggestion about the book isn't a bad idea. If you do that, I would suggest somehow reinforcing the ideas in the book on your own, but somehow trying to frame them in a Ti and not Te way, like "this is what these food groups do and they will have this effect on your body" not "if you want to feel better you need to do this."