Speaking different emotional languages

[kadda1212]

I recently got into a fight with my father about something very stupid. Sometimes it happens that my father starts those fights and acts really mean towards me. I try to evade those conflicts, but it doesn't help. In the end I'm the one crying.
My mother said something interesting to me after that fight, namely that my father and I speak different emotional languages. My father relates everything to himself, meaning if I made a mistake that caused him trouble I must have done it on purpose to hurt him. I on the other hand try to understand the perspective of the other person and come to different conclusions.

Now a similar attitude has caused problems with a friend of mine:
She called me while I was studying, so I didn't have much time for her. I have trouble concentrating on conversations on the phone anyway, also the telephone didn't work well and I could hardly understand her. Last but not least my mother interrupted me while I was speaking to this friend. I told her I'm really sorry and ended the conversation early, feeling slightly guilty afterwards.
Some time later I received a long mail from her in which she accused me of being a bad friend, evading her, making up excuses and lyingand being selfish. All covered up with nice Christian phrases and Bible verses though.
She wrote me six other mails that evening, one worse than the other. I was just sad and very angry.

So, what is that emotional language I don't speak? Is it Fi? Or has it nothing to do with that?

[Reficulris]

I recently got into a fight with my father about something very stupid. Sometimes it happens that my father starts those fights and acts really mean towards me. I try to evade those conflicts, but it doesn't help. In the end I'm the one crying.
My mother said something interesting to me after that fight, namely that my father and I speak different emotional languages. My father relates everything to himself, meaning if I made a mistake that caused him trouble I must have done it on purpose to hurt him. I on the other hand try to understand the perspective of the other person and come to different conclusions.

Now a similar attitude has caused problems with a friend of mine:
She called me while I was studying, so I didn't have much time for her. I have trouble concentrating on conversations on the phone anyway, also the telephone didn't work well and I could hardly understand her. Last but not least my mother interrupted me while I was speaking to this friend. I told her I'm really sorry and ended the conversation early, feeling slightly guilty afterwards.
Some time later I received a long mail from her in which she accused me of being a bad friend, evading her, making up excuses and lyingand being selfish. All covered up with nice Christian phrases and Bible verses though.
She wrote me six other mails that evening, one worse than the other. I was just sad and very angry.

So, what is that emotional language I don't speak? Is it Fi? Or has it nothing to do with that?

"you and he speak a different language" -> he's an ass, but i'm married to him so I can't really say he's an ass.

The different language speach is a great way to shift blame. Don't fall for it...

Your friend and you should not mail each other over conflicts...never ends well. Also; bible quotes...I know you're religious, but people who quote bible in conflict are apperently self rightious enough to support their own emotions with authorative (historical/religious/prescriptive) arguments. Stay away from those!


TLDR: It has nothing to do with "emotional language". Avoid fights with your dad if he's mean (you can only lose fights with mean people). Don't fight arguments with GF's over mail (it's pointless). Tell her to stop mailing and go talk to her in person. If she's still going postal just drop the friendship.

Those who throw the first stone are least guilty and be sure to slap the other cheek too!

[ashlesha]

seven emails because you were distracted and apologized because you had to leave on the phone? wtf?

[kadda1212]

"you and he speak a different language" -> he's an ass, but i'm married to him so I can't really say he's an ass.

The different language speach is a great way to shift blame. Don't fall for it...

Your friend and you should not mail each other over conflicts...never ends well. Also; bible quotes...I know you're religious, but people who quote bible in conflict are apperently self rightious enough to support their own emotions with authorative (historical/religious/prescriptive) arguments. Stay away from those!


TLDR: It has nothing to do with "emotional language". Avoid fights with your dad if he's mean (you can only lose fights with mean people). Don't fight arguments with GF's over mail (it's pointless). Tell her to stop mailing and go talk to her in person. If she's still going postal just drop the friendship.

Those who throw the first stone are least guilty and be sure to slap the other cheek too!

Maybe I should elaborate a little bit more on my dad. He once suffered from psychosis, so he has to take medication. He also had a very bad childhood and probably learned that people want to hurt him all the time.
So sometimes he gets angry with me for reasons I don't quite understand. That time it was all about that he had to put out the paper trash can, which was really heavy because I put all the leftover pamphlets into it (I carry out pamphlets, that's my side job).
He thought I didn't care about his aching back and put the stuff into the trash can on purpose to hurt his feelings. And then told me I should quit my job and made a big drama out of it. When my mother started to defend me in this conflict he got even more angry.

I don't think this is about shifting the blame. Most of the time my father is wrong. But I still want to learn how to solve a conflict and how to find the words that will soothe him in an instant. Unfortunately I'm often unable to find those words and make it even worse. That's probably what my mother meant with "speaking a different emotional language".

In case of my friend, I think, she's really hypocritical. If she was really as religious as she seems to be, she wouldn't even have written that mail. She would've just kept quiet. But she's one of the people who likes to use phrases such as "God told me, I should tell you blahblahblah..." and what follows are accusations, but she always adds sentences like "I hope you don't misunderstand me, but..." "I don't mean any harm, but..." - and later if I'm angry she can just say "You misunderstood me" or "I'm sorry, if you misunderstood me", I had those pseudo-excuses... a lot of people seem to use them.

[kadda1212]

seven emails because you were distracted and apologized because you had to leave on the phone? wtf?

I would put them online because they are really enjoying after I stopped being frustrated about, but they are all in German.
But I translate some of the highlights:

After telling me I'm a liar, bad friend and that I would evade her: "Forgive me if I misjudged you, but I'm writing you this to clear possible misunderstandings. Probably, my mistake is that I still have expectations of people, and don't accept the world as it is. Because of my sincerity I have never been especially popular and people couldn't cope with the fact that I completely cling to God's word and take Jesus' commandments for granted. Maybe you don't get along with me (subconsciously), too."

"I feel like a monkey chasing after its friends."

"Relationships live on love, trust and give-and-take."

"I'm sensitive, but not a saint, I'm giving my best, but I'm only human, I'm intuitive, but not clairvoyant."

"I don't want to sin against you."



Blahblahblah... and yes, only because I had to leave the phone. I have to admit it was already the second time I had to leave the phone early. And I never call her. Because I hate the telephone. And I told her several times and asked her whether we could just meet, but she doesn't have time for that. In our phone conversations she usually talks 90% of the time and talks about health issues. So she also accused me, that I didn't care about her/wasn't interested in her problems. But I simply don't have the energy to talk for 2h with her about health issues and medicaments she has to take. So, somehow she is right, that I was evading her or maybe just speaking on the phone with her. But everything else was just stupid. And now she destroyed this friendship.

[Reficulris]

Maybe I should elaborate a little bit more on my dad. He once suffered from psychosis, so he has to take medication. He also had a very bad childhood and probably learned that people want to hurt him all the time.
So sometimes he gets angry with me for reasons I don't quite understand. That time it was all about that he had to put out the paper trash can, which was really heavy because I put all the leftover pamphlets into it (I carry out pamphlets, that's my side job).
He thought I didn't care about his aching back and put the stuff into the trash can on purpose to hurt his feelings. And then told me I should quit my job and made a big drama out of it. When my mother started to defend me in this conflict he got even more angry.

I don't think this is about shifting the blame. Most of the time my father is wrong. But I still want to learn how to solve a conflict and how to find the words that will soothe him in an instant. Unfortunately I'm often unable to find those words and make it even worse. That's probably what my mother meant with "speaking a different emotional language".

I'm not trying to say he's a bad person, nor that there aren't good reasons for his behaviour. I'm just saying that "trying to speak a better emotional language" is basically understating the problem, taking too much responsibility and in my view a recepy for low self esteem. This because there are some interpersonal relationships that just don't work and won't get better how much you try. The only way is to protect yourself. Pronto.
Those soothing words might not exist, or, you might not be a person that's capable of reaching him since he needs it from another "role" than child.

In case of my friend, I think, she's really hypocritical. If she was really as religious as she seems to be, she wouldn't even have written that mail. She would've just kept quiet. But she's one of the people who likes to use phrases such as "God told me, I should tell you blahblahblah..." and what follows are accusations, but she always adds sentences like "I hope you don't misunderstand me, but..." "I don't mean any harm, but..." - and later if I'm angry she can just say "You misunderstood me" or "I'm sorry, if you misunderstood me", I had those pseudo-excuses... a lot of people seem to use them.

Well, you're bitching about her on the internet which isn't that christian either ;-)

But seriously... talk to her in person. Tell her you're afraid of the phone and that you can't give her the quality time she needs on the phone or e-mail. Tell her to stop mailing if she's mad because you feel hurt by the impersonality of the medium and tell her to shove her bible-quotes up her ass and get laid since insincere religion is really annoying.

I would put them online because they are really enjoying after I stopped being frustrated about, but they are all in German.
But I translate some of the highlights:

After telling me I'm a liar, bad friend and that I would evade her: "Forgive me if I misjudged you, but I'm writing you this to clear possible misunderstandings. Probably, my mistake is that I still have expectations of people, and don't accept the world as it is. Because of my sincerity I have never been especially popular and people couldn't cope with the fact that I completely cling to God's word and take Jesus' commandments for granted. Maybe you don't get along with me (subconsciously), too."

"I feel like a monkey chasing after its friends."

"Relationships live on love, trust and give-and-take."

"I'm sensitive, but not a saint, I'm giving my best, but I'm only human, I'm intuitive, but not clairvoyant."

"I don't want to sin against you."

I would have soooo much fun with this girl... I have no problems whatsoever with sinning against her

Blahblahblah... and yes, only because I had to leave the phone. I have to admit it was already the second time I had to leave the phone early. And I never call her. Because I hate the telephone. And I told her several times and asked her whether we could just meet, but she doesn't have time for that. In our phone conversations she usually talks 90% of the time and talks about health issues. So she also accused me, that I didn't care about her/wasn't interested in her problems. But I simply don't have the energy to talk for 2h with her about health issues and medicaments she has to take. So, somehow she is right, that I was evading her or maybe just speaking on the phone with her. But everything else was just stupid. And now she destroyed this friendship.

What friendship? she clearly doesn't think highly off you (since you're slowly dragging her down to your dirty sinner level). Also, you clearly don't value her calling you which IS in a way a sign that your friendship means something different for her than for you.... Are you really sad about this or just angry and self-rightious? (not judging, I think self-rightiousness is hot!)

And the disciples said "sent not email where you can throw stones" and "call not through aparatusses when you can speak to god through prayer".

[kadda1212]

I'm not trying to say he's a bad person, nor that there aren't good reasons for his behaviour. I'm just saying that "trying to speak a better emotional language" is basically understating the problem, taking too much responsibility and in my view a recepy for low self esteem. This because there are some interpersonal relationships that just don't work and won't get better how much you try. The only way is to protect yourself. Pronto.
Those soothing words might not exist, or, you might not be a person that's capable of reaching him since he needs it from another "role" than child.

You're probably right. But I know I will still live in that same house for some time. I don't have enough money to move out, so I have to try to get along with him. And most of the time it works just fine, only sometimes it's really hard. And I have to learn to forgive the things he said to me in the past somehow.

Well, you're bitching about her on the internet which isn't that christian either ;-)

Once again, right. But I thought, maybe someone knew, what goes on inside those kind of person's mind. xD

But seriously... talk to her in person. Tell her you're afraid of the phone and that you can't give her the quality time she needs on the phone or e-mail. Tell her to stop mailing if she's mad because you feel hurt by the impersonality of the medium and tell her to shove her bible-quotes up her ass and get laid since insincere religion is really annoying.

I told her over and over again that I hate phone conversations. I'm not the only one who hates talking on the phone with her. Because she always calls when she's on the train or waiting for the bus, the connection is never really good and it's just hard to understand her. She may have got the impression that I'm overly distracted because I had to ask her so many times "What did you just say?". Simply because I didn't hear it. But somehow she fails to understand that kind of simple logic.

What friendship? she clearly doesn't think highly off you (since you're slowly dragging her down to your dirty sinner level). Also, you clearly don't value her calling you which IS in a way a sign that your friendship means something different for her than for you.... Are you really sad about this or just angry and self-rightious? (not judging, I think self-rightiousness is hot!)

I guess, I only want to hear that I'm not such a terrible person after all. :/ Maybe I'm a little sad, that it always has to end like this in unnecessary drama.

[mu4]

Kadda, I would probably ditch your toxic friend.

Your father, that's a whole different matter.

[Amber]

I recently got into a fight with my father about something very stupid. Sometimes it happens that my father starts those fights and acts really mean towards me. I try to evade those conflicts, but it doesn't help. In the end I'm the one crying.
My mother said something interesting to me after that fight, namely that my father and I speak different emotional languages. My father relates everything to himself, meaning if I made a mistake that caused him trouble I must have done it on purpose to hurt him. I on the other hand try to understand the perspective of the other person and come to different conclusions.

Now a similar attitude has caused problems with a friend of mine:
She called me while I was studying, so I didn't have much time for her. I have trouble concentrating on conversations on the phone anyway, also the telephone didn't work well and I could hardly understand her. Last but not least my mother interrupted me while I was speaking to this friend. I told her I'm really sorry and ended the conversation early, feeling slightly guilty afterwards.
Some time later I received a long mail from her in which she accused me of being a bad friend, evading her, making up excuses and lyingand being selfish. All covered up with nice Christian phrases and Bible verses though.
She wrote me six other mails that evening, one worse than the other. I was just sad and very angry.

So, what is that emotional language I don't speak? Is it Fi? Or has it nothing to do with that?

What type is your father? "Different emotional language" reeks of manipulation. I agree your father is your father and you should try to improve on your relationship with him. As for the "friend" : I'd drop her on the spot if I were you. 6 hate e-mails is more than enough proof on the health of what's between you 2.

[ashlesha]

I guess, I only want to hear that I'm not such a terrible person after all. :/ Maybe I'm a little sad, that it always has to end like this in unnecessary drama.

i haven't been sure how to reply to this thread because i can't think of a helpful solution to the issue with your father but if this is what its about then please rest easy that you're not. both of those people sound extremely difficult to deal with, probably for anyone. its little wonder your friend has "never been especially popular" and i don't think its really fair of your mother to assign the argument b/w you and your father to "different languages" when he's clearly in the wrong in assigning rotten motivations to you.

[kadda1212]

What type is your father? "Different emotional language" reeks of manipulation. I agree your father is your father and you should try to improve on your relationship with him. As for the "friend" : I'd drop her on the spot if I were you. 6 hate e-mails is more than enough proof on the health of what's between you 2.

My father is hard to type because of his mental disease. Maybe LSI, LII or ILI. Something like that.

And I decided to ignore this "friend" now. If she says she's sorry for writing a lot of bullshit, then it's ok. But I doubt she would do this.

[Reficulris]

Yeah, so somehow my message didn't come through as clear as I wanted it to;

All im saying: You're not a bad person, some people just are hard to get along with. ;-)

don't feel bad, you can't keep everybody happy. Living with a perants can be hard, so don't judge yourself for it (which was what I was trying to do by debunking the "different language thing") instead, realise that a time will come that you have enough money. By than you can leave and you might find that that fixes some of the tension with your dad....

so, you're not a bad person! :-) now me, I'm a bad person... but than I like that

[Amber]

is this ILE trying to be insightful and fun? lol. Jk. After you leave their place, you'll realize parents are not that bad after all, no matter how annoying or unreasonable they may have been. For the time being it looks like some people are taking advantage of your sensitivity and maybe help themselves cope with frustration / failures, no idea.

[Reficulris]

ILE's are always insightfull and fun There is no try, young grasshopper!

[Amber]

ILE's are always insightfull and fun There is no try, young grasshopper!

ok, I'll do my best

[FDG]

I think in your father's case, it's better not to reply with "explanations" and just say "I'm sorry for that". If he still makes a big drama out of it, there's not much you can do, it mostly sounds like repressed emotional energy that will sooner or later have to "get out".

Your friend just sounds nuts.

[Iris]

Sorry about this issue with your Dad. In moments that you are not in conflict with him, try to build up a reservoir of good memories of things he has done with or for you, and what his dreams are/were for you. My dad is pretty egocentric and wasn't always the best father. It is easy for me to just think of the ways I have been hurt, but he invested what he could in me, and focusing on that helps to push away the bad.