SLIs and hugging

[mikemex]

I was wondering how natural it is for SLIs to hug other people. When is it comfortable to receive a hug and when you feel like hugging someone? You restrict hugging to really close people? Specially if you initiate it?

[Iris]

SLIs seem to hate hugging people when meeting/greeting others. They strongly prefer their own space. They don't seem to care for societal expectations or social cues.

I have an SLI friend who has no problem though kissing his girlfriend in public, even when she's shy. He's self-confident and seems to like the physical contact.

It seems SLIs will have no problem initiating contact if they want the physical touch or want to deepen a relationship. They just despise it when it seems 'required' of them by a social rule.

You are so right! The ones I know absolutely hate it unless it is a baby or small child. Of course, I feel obligated to commit socially appropriate hugs upon them. SO AWKWARD.

[kadda1212]

The SLIs I know don't seem to enjoy it that much. Then again it's hard to hug my SLI friend, she's so small and fragile, I can't
really put my arm around her, it's like hugging a skeleton. :/ But I don't think they are fond of physical contact in general, which is alright I guess. Only I am very physical - I like hugging and kisses on cheeks. But with my SLI friends it's like they have this "Noli me tangere"-like aura around themselves, invisible, but sensable, and it builds up a physical as well as a mental border, meaning they don't want their feelings to be touched either.
I could be completely wrong here, but that's what I observed. It could be they only don't want that kind of intimacy with certain people like me, don't know...

[consentingadult]

I had an SLI gf who occasionally used to hug me in bed after waking up. Really short hugs. One day I counted the seconds and when she stopped, I said: "9 seconds" She said: "9 seconds what?" I: "9 seconds of hugging" She: "WHAAATT, YOU"VE BEEN COUNTING? Well, It's the quality that counts, not the quantity!"

Don't know if this is typical for SLIs, but unlike LSEs, they do not give me the impression that they are very much into touching and hugging.

http://mavericksocionics.blogspot.nl...ch-of-lse.html

[Suz]

I had an SLI gf who occasionally used to hug me in bed after waking up. Really short hugs. One day I counted the seconds and when she stopped, I said: "9 seconds" She said: "9 seconds what?" I: "9 seconds of hugging" She: "WHAAATT, YOU"VE BEEN COUNTING? Well, It's the quality that counts, not the quantity!"

Don't know if this is typical for SLIs, but unlike LSEs, they do not give me the impression that they are very much into touching and hugging.

http://mavericksocionics.blogspot.nl...ch-of-lse.html

Nice article that you linked there. My experience with LSEs has been identical.
Is that your blog? I like it a lot! Will read your other pieces as well...

[willekeurig]

I was at a small pre christmas party with three other Delta NF:s and one SLI yesterday. After a few drinks the main activity became touching and hugging and jokingly hitting on the SLI because "that cold bitch attitude is sure just a false front and secretly she loves us all". She bitched about it of course, but also remained physically really passive. She never took a step back or told anyone to stop and even followed direct orders at times ("Give me a real hug and not some crappy one arm thing"). It's always been like that with her. Either we're right and she actually likes it or then that's one weird way her self-hatered manifest.

[DaftPunk]

I have a serious, aristocratic, unvalued Fe approach towards hugging

[consentingadult]

Nice article that you linked there. My experience with LSEs has been identical.
Is that your blog? I like it a lot! Will read your other pieces as well...

Yes, that's my blog. Thanks for the compliment!

[Psyhence]

I would support the "intimacy hypothesis". My GF is an SLI, and she surely likes being hugged, and also she began to progressively use hugging as a way of interchanging some raw personal bond in a sensual manner. (which I believe she learned from being hugged by me... Naturally finding a practical application to it). I think Si is SLI natural sacred zone, so touching them can be engaging as soon as it doesn't vioate their sense of control over their innervations. If you hug awkwardly then SLI would notice this. It can only be exchanged when this comes naturally and with confidence. So she hugs me as well, spontaneously, specially when she wants to get my attention diverted from whatever i'm lost in. I would say that as long as there is Fi present, backing up the Hug, the Fe part of hugging becomes rather unimportant.

[Park]

You are so right! The ones I know absolutely hate it unless it is a baby or small child. Of course, I feel obligated to commit socially appropriate hugs upon them. SO AWKWARD.

We might secretly like it. Especially if we find you attractive, physically or otherwise.

[Zola]

I'm not necessarily SLI but I am someone who's very awkward about hugging, especially social hugging which I find hateful and completely pointless in every possible way. The thing is I like hugs, I like hugs a lot but I am a private person and they are an intimate thing and unless you're a young child or SO I don't want you touching me any more than necessary and invading my private space like that (and private space includes mental and emotional dimensions which I also don't want invaded by anyone not close enough (and you are unlikely to get close enough without being in a long term relationship with me, so friends or family members (potentially excluding children of my own), no matter how close, are out and it doesn't mean I love them any less). Unfortunately makes things especially awkward with people who want some kind of sign that you care about them. Putting things like this into words is difficult so I don't know if it makes sense or is even the best/most basic reason/explanation and others may have entirely different reasons.

[epheme]

I used to work with an SLI who was very awkward and uncomfortable hugging. She even made it a work rule that no hugging was allowed. Of course, no one followed this because people naturally hug. I even saw her scream once a little when an IEE tried to give her a hug. It was quite shocking and the IEE was like, wtf? She didn't seem to like when her husband would hug her either but she would always hug her daughter and this was the only time she didn't seem weird about it.

Strangely though, once when we were going out of town together for a work thing, I was getting hugs from the employees and she was like "what, no hugs for me?" so then a few people hugged her. It was weird given how much she normally hated hugs. And this was after she implemented the no hug rule. So, I dunno, maybe it just depended on her mood.

[aisa]

I would support the "intimacy hypothesis". My GF is an SLI, and she surely likes being hugged, and also she began to progressively use hugging as a way of interchanging some raw personal bond in a sensual manner. (which I believe she learned from being hugged by me... Naturally finding a practical application to it). I think Si is SLI natural sacred zone, so touching them can be engaging as soon as it doesn't vioate their sense of control over their innervations. If you hug awkwardly then SLI would notice this. It can only be exchanged when this comes naturally and with confidence. So she hugs me as well, spontaneously, specially when she wants to get my attention diverted from whatever i'm lost in. I would say that as long as there is Fi present, backing up the Hug, the Fe part of hugging becomes rather unimportant.

this. that's exactly what my husband did with me. I was very much not a "hugger" when we got together and was shocked how much he craves this kind of contact. He kept hugging me and kind of got me addicted to hugging him through "indoctrination" at some point, lol.
He's the only person I feel comfortable hugging.
There are levels of discomfort - starting with the closest family and friends of over 15 years - it's bearable, the rest of the world - not so much... especially not strangers or distant family in this socially enforced manner - I don't get it why invading my private space is supposed to be a polite way of greeting. Let's smile and shake hands, this is well over enough.
The only greetings worse than hugging is when people want to exchange kisses on the cheeks... omg.

[Park]

Ha, are you seriously considering SLI now, @aisa?

BTW, is there anyone left on this forum who isn't married?

[aisa]

@Park yes to the first question
and yes to the second question from my observations (yeah, I know it was rhetorical) - but please look for marriage material outside this forum in real life

[Slacker]

My husband only hugs me, our kids, and our cat. I can't imagine him hugging anyone else. If someone hugged him he'd get very uncomfortable.

[jessica129]

I don't get the point of hugging and i hate it a lot. Even with boyfriends I just hate physical touch unless its sex or cuddling. Cuddling is pushing it. Hugging is like holding hands, wth is the point.

[ConcreteButterfly]

SLIs don't seem to enjoy hugs from strangers, but IME they seem open to them from friends and loved ones. Basically if they sense an Fi bond with you, they're more willing to hug and touch, otherwise they'll keep a respectful distance. They tend to be good at controlling their physical proximity to others; whoever said they have an invisible aura around them is quite right.. it's their Se ignoring function, it works to protect their territory from invasion.

[Park]

My husband only hugs me, our kids, and our cat. I can't imagine him hugging anyone else. If someone hugged him he'd get very uncomfortable.

I've started counter-phobically hugging some closer friends and family members. I figured wth, if it's going to happen inevitably, why not give into it and initiate it myself. It feels awkward...

[aisa]

I've started counter-phobically hugging some closer friends and family members. I figured wth, if it's going to happen inevitably, why not give into it and initiate it myself. It feels awkward...

I use hugging as a way of avoiding them kissing me on the cheeks - when I see it coming I just give them the avoidance hug. Still awkward, but better than the other ritual. And there are some elderly members of my family who give people kisses on the lips instead of cheeks. This just makes me want to run away, wth.

[Park]

I use hugging as a way of avoiding them kissing me on the cheeks

I guess I'm glad I'm not a female.

[epheme]

The only greetings worse than hugging is when people want to exchange kisses on the cheeks... omg.

Haha, I love when people do this.

I don't get the point of hugging and i hate it a lot. Even with boyfriends I just hate physical touch unless its sex or cuddling. Cuddling is pushing it. Hugging is like holding hands, wth is the point.

Omg, you made me lol. I remember the first time my boyfriend hugged me (as just friends) and I was like (on the inside, of course) "This is the most AMAZING hug ever! I'm totally gonna marry this guy! Major swoon." Haha. I think I pretty much knew for sure that I had to date him at that point.

It's so cool how everyone is so different. How we all need different things. And how there are different people there to fulfill those roles.

[aisa]

Haha, I love when people do this.

umm... you are serious...? I mean I think you are, but can't be sure, cause my perception of it is - omg why do people have to keep doing it? and it kind of colours my perception of your answer (cause it would have been sarcastic if I had written that )

I agree that it is interesting how different people are and how different the perception/likes/dislikes can be of such things

[epheme]

umm... you are serious...? I mean I think you are, but can't be sure, cause my perception of it is - omg why do people have to keep doing it? and it kind of colours my perception of your answer (cause it would have been sarcastic if I had written that )

I agree that it is interesting how different people are and how different the perception/likes/dislikes can be of such things

Yes, I am serious. Lol. I've noticed about myself that when I meet people if they take the initiative and touch me or hug me or kiss me I automatically feel more comfortable around them.

It may just have to do with the way I was brought up. My family is very physically affectionate (my mother is Latin and my father is Southern). You know, hug good morning, kiss good night, hug and kiss every time you say hello or good bye (I mean going to the store or work or anything), cuddle on the couch, walk arm in arm. So, that may be why it feels comforting to me with strangers.

I've also noticed that it feels comforting to me when people feel comfortable enough to invade my personal space. It's like them being comfortable makes me comfortable. However, I don't ever invade other's space and I also don't initiate touch with people I don't know, unless they are being introduced to me by people I do already know. And I don't touch people who clearly don't like it, that just feels rude and defeats the purpose.

I always feel so awkward when I'm around those families that don't touch. I'm like "Wth? What do I do with my hands?" Lol.

[Becca]

SLIs don't seem to enjoy hugs from strangers, but IME they seem open to them from friends and loved ones. Basically if they sense an Fi bond with you, they're more willing to hug and touch, otherwise they'll keep a respectful distance. They tend to be good at controlling their physical proximity to others; whoever said they have an invisible aura around them is quite right.. it's their Se ignoring function, it works to protect their territory from invasion.

An LSI I know constantly hugs me, and I think it is because of the Fi bond that they feel as you say. They love to talk about their feelings to me, as well. Sometimes I find it exhausting

[gator]

SLIs seem to hate hugging people when meeting/greeting others. They strongly prefer their own space. They don't seem to care for societal expectations or social cues.

I have an SLI friend who has no problem though kissing his girlfriend in public, even when she's shy. He's self-confident and seems to like the physical contact.

It seems SLIs will have no problem initiating contact if they want the physical touch or want to deepen a relationship. They just despise it when it seems 'required' of them by a social rule.

This is me exactly. Social hugging will not, under almost any circumstances, happen. The only exceptions is if I'm totally wasted.

But with a gf, I'm completely un-shy of showing public affection. It's weird. I can make out with a girl in front of a crowd of people and feel perfectly fine. But hugging my aunt at a holiday party makes me shudder.

[aisa]

Yes, I am serious. Lol. I've noticed about myself that when I meet people if they take the initiative and touch me or hug me or kiss me I automatically feel more comfortable around them.

It may just have to do with the way I was brought up. My family is very physically affectionate (my mother is Latin and my father is Southern). You know, hug good morning, kiss good night, hug and kiss every time you say hello or good bye (I mean going to the store or work or anything), cuddle on the couch, walk arm in arm. So, that may be why it feels comforting to me with strangers.

I've also noticed that it feels comforting to me when people feel comfortable enough to invade my personal space. It's like them being comfortable makes me comfortable. However, I don't ever invade other's space and I also don't initiate touch with people I don't know, unless they are being introduced to me by people I do already know. And I don't touch people who clearly don't like it, that just feels rude and defeats the purpose.

I always feel so awkward when I'm around those families that don't touch. I'm like "Wth? What do I do with my hands?" Lol.

umm... my mum's ILI. It's not that we didn't touch at all, but reading your description is a bit surreal, lol.

[aisa]

This is me exactly. Social hugging will not, under almost any circumstances, happen. The only exceptions is if I'm totally wasted.

But with a gf, I'm completely un-shy of showing public affection. It's weird. I can make out with a girl in front of a crowd of people and feel perfectly fine. But hugging my aunt at a holiday party makes me shudder.

I'm a female so it is a bit different as there's more pressure on Fe display in females, therefore I budge and the social hugging does happen, but it always makes me feel uncomfortable as hell...

I feel exactly the same as you about hugging people versus pda with the one special person.

[Park]

Let me hug y'all at once.

[aisa]

@Park... lol


oh well... what the hell.. it's virtual after all
there you go:

[Park]

SLI HUGFEST!

[aisa]

SLI HUGFEST!

now you're pushing it

[Park]

now you're pushing it

CAN'T ESCAPE

SORRY

[aisa]

lol @Park, whatever you're drinking - I want it too

[consentingadult]

The only greetings worse than hugging is when people want to exchange kisses on the cheeks... omg.

My advice: don't make friends in Holland! ;-)

[consentingadult]

I've started counter-phobically hugging some closer friends and family members. I figured wth, if it's going to happen inevitably, why not give into it and initiate it myself. It feels awkward...

And then to think that you are from Serbia...

[Park]

And then to think that you are from Serbia...

Say what?

[consentingadult]

Say what?

Yes, all the people I know from the former Yugoslav countries seem to be much more comfortable with physical contact than us Northern Europeans. Or is it just a certain breed of Yugoslavs that made their way up here?

[Park]

I don't know what you're talking about, but I like the etymology of their name.

Another proposed etymology is that of the Indo-European root *ser- "to watch over, protect", akin to Latin servare "to keep, guard, protect, preserve, observe".^[13]