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Thread: relationships & mindfulness

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    Default relationships & mindfulness

    not exclusively romantic relationships.
    is it possible and/or desirable for relationships to lack the following?
    -expectations
    -territorialism
    -an eye toward the future and what will develop

    to just be at peace and enjoy the moment?

    i realized that i've sort of associated this sort of freedom with ti/fe irrationals... but that can't be quite right when they experience jealousy and dissapointments just like anybody else. i've been criticized for my lack of ability to let go of those things but in retrospect i think the criticism has been mostly selfishly motivated. is any of this type related at all?

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    Lack of expectations is harder, at least in terms of wanting to know what to expect a person will be like. For example, if a person is randomly all over the map in terms of habits, personality, character, etc. that's pretty difficult for me (not that I know too many people like that).

    I do have some rewarding friendships that, as far as I can tell, generally lack at least territorialism and future-thinking. One of my ISTp friends is like that. We hang out when we do, enjoy it in the moment, and don't require much of each other. But we also are voluntarily giving toward each other. Upon certain occasions, there are sometimes expectations (like we usually attend the same conference and hang out together at them), but I've never found them to be set-in-stone and if things don't turn out like they did before neither of us has gotten upset.

    Thinking about it, perhaps it helps that when we're together we both naturally meet each other's needs, at least partially. Using a conference as an example, I think at the beginning of it, her knowing I'm there as a friend, a bond, gets her settled internally and ready to interact with everybody else. And, haha, as the conference progresses she often ends up "taking care of me," like when I get overly tired or lost. We don't plan it that way, though; it just sort of naturally happens.
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    I'm enneagram 4... enough said. We have these fantasy ideals in our heads and if someone doesn't live up to them, expect some drama. I see it as a flaw. I wish I could just live in the moment and be free of expectations in a relationship, but it just doesn't work that way for me.
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    No, it really isn't desirable. You will be waiting around for something that will never happen. It's better to escape if you can. That's the part that's difficult, though. Bide your time

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    I don't feel that these two are mutually contradictory. I feel free to enjoy the moment when I know my relationships are on the right track and there are no potential threats.

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    As a seasoned vetern of the sex and love revolutions, I've found that the only way to be happy is to enjoy each moment of life; each drop of love brought to bear by the recprication of my thick plunger, forced through a warm, welcoming pumping chamber and squirted out through the discharge manifold; every single mouthful of delicious lady bits seeping with the urgency of an eager beaver in a virgin forest; delicate forehead kisses like uncle reggie used to give(rip); midnight pancakes with ice cream.

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    Expectations and jealousy come from sense of personal involvement and investment. It's possible to have a relationship that doesn't have any of these things if neither of you invests into it or becomes emotionally involved. Would this be a relationship then?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nevero View Post
    Expectations and jealousy come from sense of personal involvement and investment. It's possible to have a relationship that doesn't have any of these things if neither of you invests into it or becomes emotionally involved. Would this be a relationship then?
    hahaha. exactly. i guess i was wondering if i could be convinced otherwise.

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    I think relationships can exist without conflict and drama around those issues, however if you don't care what kind of relationship you have or where it's headed, or whether it's exclusive, I'm not sure what you're left with.
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    Quote Originally Posted by lungs View Post
    not exclusively romantic relationships.
    is it possible and/or desirable for relationships to lack the following?
    -expectations
    -territorialism
    -an eye toward the future and what will develop

    to just be at peace and enjoy the moment?

    i realized that i've sort of associated this sort of freedom with ti/fe irrationals... but that can't be quite right when they experience jealousy and dissapointments just like anybody else. i've been criticized for my lack of ability to let go of those things but in retrospect i think the criticism has been mostly selfishly motivated. is any of this type related at all?
    I don't think it's type related. Any type can be mindful and spiritually aware. Relationships are perhaps the hardest place to do it. From what I've witnessed, relationships sit somewhere on a continuum between extremely ego driven and reactive vs. the type of thing you're talking about. Non-resistance, non-attachment, non-judgement. We're human, so there's always going to be at least a little bit of that at least some of the time.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker View Post
    I think relationships can exist without conflict and drama around those issues, however if you don't care what kind of relationship you have or where it's headed, or whether it's exclusive, I'm not sure what you're left with.
    Yeah, very well put.

    Personally, I'm not territorial or too concerned about a specific future evolution, meaning that ofc I'll never control my partner or tie her to my vision of the future. It's harder however not to have expectations. How can we have a relationship if f.e. there isn't at least the expectation of having quality time together?
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    I think you can have a romantic relationship without attachment, just appreciating each other in the moment, where ever it may lead until you either start thinking about having kids or have kids. At that point, a certain level of commitment is ideal. I also don't think romantic relationships work without a certain amount of desire. However, you can want to spend time with someone and want to be physical without basing it off of your identity or vice versa.

    The closest I've ever found is a relationship where you don't wonder if you want to stay with the person long term, just ask yourself if you want to be with that person today, or even at this very moment. No past compelling you or dissuading you from committing, no future to scare or comfort you. Just now. Then one day you wake up to find that you can't imagine living your life without that person. There's no fear or decision making involved. It's just the way it is.

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