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Thread: Having a benefactor as your parent

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    Default Having a benefactor as your parent

    Is it ever good? I'm ESI and my mother is SLI. She's a wise and gracious catholic(I'm not), and I'm always grateful for her Si, there's a bit of mutual respect and that's it. I'm never helpful for her happiness and she always dismisses my worth. ("What's the point of you if you can't do ______?") And she often guilt-trips me into believing that so many things are my fault when they aren't. That makes me angry all the time but I hide it. We're both great at hiding feelings so we make it. Haha.

    I'm curious about other people's experience. If anyone has a benefactor as their parent.

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    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    My mom's ILI. I love that she picks up on my Fi and voices it. I love that she can participate in my Fi rants about things, for example, when I speak about how I think some people's actions are unfair to others and how people (idealistically) shouldn't say things that they end up doing. "I don't know why she's so critical of my sister, her son does the same things yet when it comes to her, she never takes notice, she's being mean" that is what I will say and she will follow with "yes, she does the same thing, let her tell her son once or twice that what he did wasn't good and then let her judge someone else." Anyway...you get the point. Fi comes out in "let's do this with the family and what are the moral implications or ramifications of people's social behaviors." Her Te is something I can't digest, so as a beneficiary I often am dismissive of the kind of Te I get from my mom. That is "honey, organize this like this." The reason why I'm often dismissive of this Te is because it's intended to "activate" me as it would with her dual, same with her sense of "criticism" towards things. All of that causes and puts a lot of psychological pressure on me and I can only stand very bits of her, like an hour a week. It really makes me want to get away from her and just do my own thing OR give me space to digest what needs to be done and do it. I love my mom so naturally I don't want to hurt her. I realize our relational dynamics, but I also know that because I'm the RATIONAL type that I'm more likely to consciously change my attitude and perspective towards her to minimize conflicts and increase understanding, which I find myself doing at almost regular basis.

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    Last edited by nigh; 07-08-2014 at 05:00 AM.

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    dugga dugga dun Narc's Avatar
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    My parents are most likely ESI and ILI and I still had a pretty tough time of things from an emotional standpoint.

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    Last edited by nigh; 07-08-2014 at 05:00 AM.

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    ILE - ENTp 1981slater's Avatar
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    Beneficiary father + benefactor son = bail out
    Benefactor father + beneficiary son = bail out

    Carry on + my wayward son
    ILE "Searcher"
    Socionics: ENTp
    DCNH: Dominant --> perhaps Normalizing
    Enneagram: 7w6 "Enthusiast"
    MBTI: ENTJ "Field Marshall" or ENTP "Inventor"
    Astrological sign: Aquarius

    To learn, read. To know, write. To master, teach.

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    Blåblodig Inguz's Avatar
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    I'm IEI and have ESI-Fi as a mother. She always loved children and to care for children. Growing up it was great, I got everything that I needed (basic stuff, she couldn't afford to spoil me even if she wanted to) without having to ask, I have always appreciated her efforts and readily gave her affection even in public and she was always dependable and consistent as a parent. The only thing that she let me down on as far as I can remember was when I was suspected of starting some fire in a trash can in school (nothing else caught fire), after I was questioned by the police I got home, and she was talking with my father who had come there because of it, and when I asked her if she believed me when I say to her that I'm innocent she said "I cannot know". I was lucky getting her as my mother.

    The problems that occurs by this only emerged with me as an adult, she keeps telling me how important it is to save money, cook my own food and not eat out and that saving money is super serious, as implied that I'm not a responsible adult if I don't save at least some money. And she got some opinions about my romantic relationships, although most of the time she do manage to keep that to herself.

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    Hot Message FDG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Inguz View Post
    The problems that occurs by this only emerged with me as an adult, she keeps telling me how important it is to save money, cook my own food and not eat out and that saving money is super serious, as implied that I'm not a responsible adult if I don't save at least some money. And she got some opinions about my romantic relationships, although most of the time she do manage to keep that to herself.
    Lol, you should just fake tell her that you are saving money and problem solved.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    Last edited by nigh; 07-08-2014 at 05:01 AM.

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    Blåblodig Inguz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nigh View Post
    No doubt that would hurt any kid's heart, but I don't think that's a disappointing quality as a parent. Cos how could she know, really. Explicit trust doesn't seem to be something you could give to a child easily. Or at least that's what I think as her identical.

    Well, she could've lied. That's what I would've done if I'd been in her shoes.
    I didn't get myself into trouble when I was 11, that came later.

    Quote Originally Posted by nigh View Post
    I agree with FDG. Lies can solve everything. LIE LIE LIE make something up. I do that all the time and my mother seems okay so far. lol

    Oh I know. Don't take this seriously. I'm only half serious.
    It's not a big deal it's like once each month or every other she may bring it up over the phone. She's not nagging.

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    dugga dugga dun Narc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Inguz View Post
    The problems that occurs by this only emerged with me as an adult, she keeps telling me how important it is to save money, cook my own food and not eat out and that saving money is super serious, as implied that I'm not a responsible adult if I don't save at least some money.
    Yeah, I have quite a lot of money saved up from four years of full-time work while living at home and I still get told this kind of stuff. I don't think it would matter if I had a million dollars, I'd still get told the same thing.

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    my mom is LSE, my benefactor. overall pretty good relation. she loves to hear about my work, all the intrigues, challenges, gamesmanship that goes on. when i was 15, she took me to her office and gave me a job there for a summer. so in a way, there's always been a work aspect to our relationship. we are both weak in the area of Fi except she values it and i don't. reciprocity is very important to her, rituals, thank you notes, all the trappings of Fi. i definitely don't deliver here, and she expresses disappointment, but it doesn't linger for long. we get along very well, can talk for hours and do things together, yet we are very different people with much different values. we don't fit all that well in one another's worlds, but one on one it's great. she does prefer my IEE and LII brothers above me though, so in family group situations, that's pretty evident. she's married to my EII dad (my supervisor) so she tends to side with him on issues he has with me. so naturally a good relation, but in the context of the rest of the socionic dynamics of the family, not that great.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    Relations of benefit can be somewhat good occasionally, depending on the good will of the benefactor. Just like Gulenko's description says though, asymmetric relations, especially supervisory, can be deceptive. I've often found that ISFjs are less tolerable than ENTjs because their DS Te is often unexpectedly powerful and difficult to resist. And because it's a superid function, it's often rather subtle. I often find myself voicing their opinions or becoming yes men to them if I spend too much time around them.

    I also have a couple of friends in a relationship of benefit who are a pretty tragic example of how bad it can be.... As in physical violence tragic. Surprisingly enough, it's the beneficiary who initiates it, probably because he feels a certain amount of dependency on the benefactor. And that's what's so insidious about it: one develops a dependency on the very thing which is killing him. It's easy to be lulled into a false sense of security with a benefactor.

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