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Thread: If you date a dual, does it always last long?

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    ILE - ENTp 1981slater's Avatar
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    Default If you date a dual, does it always last long?

    ILE "Searcher"
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    when you see the booty Galen's Avatar
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    No
    "And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." -Roald Dahl

    http://forum.socionix.com/
    It's pretty cool

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    ILE - ENTp 1981slater's Avatar
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    Is the breakup always painful with a dual?
    ILE "Searcher"
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    About 50 years.

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    If you wipe your ass, is your ass always clean?

    ~~depends.

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    Éminence grise mikemex's Avatar
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    No way. Duals are very different from each other, even when they strive for the same. This means that sometimes they find each other "weird".

    Sensors for example, often find intuitives puzzling because sensors focus on the here and now and often have trouble understanding how seemingly unrelated stuff should be given importance.

    Duals do not understand each other, they merely develop trust over time.
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    Darn Socks Director Abbie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1981slater View Post
    Is the breakup always painful with a dual?
    Never, in my experience. More like, "This feels awkward. Let's go back to just being friends. We may or may not get back together in the future."

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    InvisibleJim's Avatar
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    I imagine there are hypothetical theories on why this could vary by type and length of relationship.

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    Seriously Judicious Emotivist Eliza Thomason's Avatar
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    I can't answer about how it always is with Duals. I am in love with my Dual and it was a "long" connection from the very start, and if it ended now it would be awful for both of us.

    But since you are all set with your popcorn, I will tell you about my only other Dual relationship, years ago.

    Now knowing Socionics, I looked back on my college dating years and realized there was just one Dual I had dated. It could have lasted very long, but circumstances cut it short. I think that goes along with what they say about Duals needing to share common goals and purpose.

    This was a romantic friendship relationship. We quickly became fast friends after we met, got close, with romantic overtones that were strong. Like SLI, he made the relationship parameters, which was "friends", and the romantic pull was there from the start, and also we were almost immediately "first" in each other's eyes, and, by June we had a handful of really special little romantic moments to embellish our friendship, hinting to the real deep potential of this relationship. I remember how completely comfortable I was with his touch - walking close, sitting on his lap so comfortably, his warm hands resting on me. (I am Si-seeking, he is Si leading function - but of course I knew none of this then).

    But it ended sooner than it should have because of circumstances, because I wasn't mature enough to have patience with his particular SLI hesitations to commitment. I wasn't seeking commitment - I was content to let our comfortable friendship develop on its on, but end of June, suddenly, on short notice, an opportunity came up for him to co-lead a series of summer outdoor high adventure trips around the country with groups of 16-18 year-old girls.

    This is where perhaps my pride and immature sense of entitlement comes in. He, to be safe, I guess, and responsibly wanting to make it clear where we stood after this new development, said he wanted to officially leave us as "just friends" for the summer while he was away. Which read to me just like: "Lets go 'on hold' for now, in case I meet someone real good this summer. We can take up where we left off next fall".

    Well that did it for me. If I wasn't so amazing to him that he could not imagine doing anything but pine for me while we were apart, then I guess he wasn't for me! I was hurt, so I closed my heart that summer and when school started back up in the fall I threw myself into my own life and avoided him as much as possible. I remember catching him looking at me longingly as I passed or across rooms, looks I avoided, and after some time, he said or wrote to me that it was sad, the amazing connection we had had, and now... where did it go? However, I perceived he was just "stating", he seemed to be musing, not really asking. If he had asked me, really wanting to know, I would have told him. And he never did, so, we drifted off.

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    it becomes permanent
    when you want to un-bond and you're all "get off me!" the dual doesn't let go and instead starts bonding with you ...
    i'll spare the rest of the gruesome details of dualization

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    There are no absolutes in socionics.

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    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    No

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    ILE - ENTp 1981slater's Avatar
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    An IEE as "friend with benefits" is easy to deal with but I don't really know if it is because we are not duals or because IEEs never want commitment...or because ILEs never want commitment, who knows?
    ILE "Searcher"
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    ILE - ENTp 1981slater's Avatar
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    I mean, I think that having a dual as "friend with benefits" can be trickier than a non dual/hot crazy IEE as "friend with benefits"
    I like "friend with benefits" oink oink
    ILE "Searcher"
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    ILE - ENTp 1981slater's Avatar
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    All IEEs are hot and crazy
    And those who are not so hot are crazier than average so they compensate for the non hotness
    Some IEEs are too crazy, though
    My point of view contradicts Barney Stinson's, he claims that hot girls are crazier tan normal girls. That's false because all women are crazy
    ILE "Searcher"
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    Glorious Member mu4's Avatar
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    Socionics relationships are more about how things can go bad then how things can go well. Essentially every relationship other than duality has major communication issues or lacks coverage for real problems.

    This is only one factor that can cause relationships to end, which means that every other factor still applies. Socionics factors are also for long term relations and only come into the foreground when more initial factors have been overcome.

    Duality may be able to overcome some of those factors once a relationship is settled as well.

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    Quote Originally Posted by 1981slater
    An IEE as "friend with benefits" is easy to deal with but I don't really know if it is because we are not duals or because IEEs never want commitment...or because ILEs never want commitment, who knows?


    I think this depends on the individual, as well as their upbringing. I personally did a lot of short term dating (3 - 5 dates max per guy, usually nothing longer than a month or two), before I was able to tell if a guy was compatible enough for a commitment. So more often than not I didn't commit, simply because it wasn't the right one and that's what I wanted- the right ONE. Also I don't like drama / attention / overly dramatic breakups / rifts in friend groups. So perhaps some of us just come across a little extreme, or as "all or nothing" types.

    Sounds like you have quite the experience with IEEs, either way.


    Quote Originally Posted by 1981slater View Post
    All IEEs are hot and crazy
    And those who are not so hot are crazier than average so they compensate for the non hotness
    Some IEEs are too crazy, though

    A good friend always told me- "You're going to marry someone crazy. Period. It's alllll about the kind of crazy you can handle."

    We're all a little crazy. We IEEs just have our own flavor of crazy.
    And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you?- Matthew 6:30

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    The Soul Happy-er JWC3's Avatar
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    Not necessarily. The simple answer is that socionics doesn’t code for a great many things that can effect interpersonal relationships. For example: religion, culture, ethnicity, social status, financial wellbeing, mental health/disorders, emotional health/disorders, physical health/disorders, appearance/physical attraction, and just plain ol’ geographic location or situational distance. Likewise relationships between non-dual couples can last quiet some time, or indeed a lifetime, regardless of what socionics dictates.

    Remember, it's just a theory.

    EDIT: Oh and let's not forget intelligence,
    Last edited by JWC3; 07-30-2013 at 07:23 PM.
    Easy Day

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    Glorious Member mu4's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JWC3 View Post
    Remember, it's just a theory.
    Theory or not, communication breakdown will destroy virtually every voluntary relationship.

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    The Soul Happy-er JWC3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hkkmr View Post
    Theory or not, communication breakdown will destroy virtually every voluntary relationship.
    Which can occur for a multitude of reasons that socioncs doesn't code for.
    Easy Day

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    Glorious Member mu4's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JWC3 View Post
    Which can occur for a multitude of reasons that socioncs doesn't code for.
    Socionic intertype relationships tries to explain communication difference between individuals on the basis of information preference. Problems with communication in socionics theory will destroy relationships.

    It's important to realize that the theory doesn't make a prediction that "all dual relationships will last forever and ever".

    When you say it's just a theory it doesn't mean anything.

    Non-dual relationships can "last" a lifetime, see Aushra's bad relationship with her husband. However the duration of relationships is only one factor today as well. Quality counts.

    There are many situations that some non-ideal relationships can be productive as well and socionics can adequately explain that as well.

    As a theory, socionics is not simply concerned with duration, but also how interactions succeed and fail, how relationships problems arise from communication differences and various hows and explanations.

    For a lot of individuals what you think are important factors are easy to eliminate via a questionnaire or a initial screening, however communication differences and problems cannot be easily eliminated thru a screening process.

    Quote Originally Posted by Factors
    For example: religion, culture, ethnicity, social status, financial wellbeing, mental health/disorders, emotional health/disorders, physical health/disorders, appearance/physical attraction, and just plain ol’ geographic location or situational distance."
    Every one of these factors can be easily screened for via a questionnaire, but every single one of these factors would still be invalidated by a poor communication dynamic. The relationship will still break down or devolve into contempt and misery.

    Socionics works as much as a "pothole" here theory than a "pot of gold" here theory. Also, I see some very good dual relationships in my life, it does work out for a lot of people.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JWC3 View Post
    Which can occur for a multitude of reasons that socioncs doesn't code for.
    Correct. I also argue quite vigorously that socionics stipulates ease of transmitting and receiving certain 'types' of information, not that they may necessarily like what they hear

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    Quote Originally Posted by InvisibleJim View Post
    Correct. I also argue quite vigorously that socionics stipulates ease of transmitting and receiving certain 'types' of information, not that they may necessarily like what they hear
    Agreed. And clarifying that "type" of info categorizes the info...but says nothing of the actual content of the info...which fits what you wrote about the other person may not like what they hear.
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    A good relationship needs the following 3 things or it will die as a rotten flower:

    Acceptance. People don't change much. And if they do, they change very slowly. So you have to accept that person the way they are. This includes the dark stuff in them as well as the light stuff. If you can't accept the whole of a person, don't start a relationship. Details are overrated.

    Forgiveness: They will eventually crush your heart and do something you don't like. Do you act snobby and like you're above it all and totally ignore them because they do this? Or do you realize that everybody is a cunt sometimes, and forgive them. Some things are realistically harder to forgive than others, some might even seem impossible, but you can't be around a person that you can't forgive. Not positively anyway.

    Attraction. Enough with the mushy heart stuff, you have to at the core feel an energy with a person, a spark. Whether it's because they're the shy bottom and you're the tough top - or the other way around, or you think it's 'opposites attract' in a heteronormative man-likes-female standard, you have to feel drawn to the person. This also isn't necessarily sexual, you need an attraction with your friends too. That means even those hot buff straight guys are attracted to their str8 male friends, you better believe they are!

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    killer wolf lemontrees's Avatar
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    Nope.

    Although, in my experience, the pulling away part feels like trying to quit cigarettes.

    *mopes*

    Edit: Am buying "Consider the Lobster and Other Essays" as a nicotine patch to replace ex's late-night manic ramblings. Am also considering "Infinite Jest"... (I never thought this day would come ;__; )

    (dfw=ILE, I believe)
    Last edited by lemontrees; 08-05-2013 at 03:14 AM.

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    Ofc, duality only ever works for IEExSLI.

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    Quote Originally Posted by lemontrees View Post
    Nope.

    Although, in my experience, the pulling away part feels like trying to quit cigarettes.
    I've been there, and I don't think it was duality. I think that's experiencing love in a headier, more intoxicating way.

    scribbles in the dark

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    ILE - ENTp 1981slater's Avatar
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    This summer I haven't slept with an IEE yet.
    ILE "Searcher"
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1981slater View Post
    NO. Dated 2 duals, found them less intelligent than me. Fun, but boring after a while. Not LT material by any means.
    Last edited by Amber; 01-03-2014 at 10:21 PM.

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    Never dated a dual. In fact, never dated anyone. Been on a few isolated dates, but that's about all.

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    When I first dated my dual 8 years ago, it lasted only one month. Before we dated, we would talk on the phone a lot and that's why I started to like him. He liked me ever since he first met me. When we started dating, however, he and I didn't talk much. We would just cuddle on the couch and watch tv. I was just 18 years old, so I was pretty bored by him. He also didn't know how to be a gentleman, like, do little things for me. He never really verbalized his feelings to me back then so I thought he didn't like me that much. When I broke up with him, he was surprised. I was surprised that he even cared. I never verbalized my discontent with certain things that he did but later I realized that he wished that I did so that he could change.

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    Quote Originally Posted by 1981slater View Post
    it is up to these duals.

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    Quote Originally Posted by 1981slater View Post
    Is the breakup always painful with a dual?
    Not always. You still stay In touch... Psychologically you can't break up really. But it depend on quadra too

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    Quote Originally Posted by mikemex View Post
    Duals do not understand each other, they merely develop trust over time.
    this ^, i am in a 2 year (so far) relationship with my dual and while in the beginning in frustrated me not being able to always get her to understand my inner world, i've learned that we got along FAR easier and better than almost any other type. could be just my dual combination since other personalities may work differently. i dont think anyone will ever give you everything you want, but they sure beat most other types.

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    Quote Originally Posted by truck View Post
    A good relationship needs the following 3 things or it will die as a rotten flower:

    Acceptance. People don't change much. And if they do, they change very slowly. So you have to accept that person the way they are. This includes the dark stuff in them as well as the light stuff. If you can't accept the whole of a person, don't start a relationship. Details are overrated.

    Forgiveness: They will eventually crush your heart and do something you don't like. Do you act snobby and like you're above it all and totally ignore them because they do this? Or do you realize that everybody is a cunt sometimes, and forgive them. Some things are realistically harder to forgive than others, some might even seem impossible, but you can't be around a person that you can't forgive. Not positively anyway.

    Attraction. Enough with the mushy heart stuff, you have to at the core feel an energy with a person, a spark. Whether it's because they're the shy bottom and you're the tough top - or the other way around, or you think it's 'opposites attract' in a heteronormative man-likes-female standard, you have to feel drawn to the person. This also isn't necessarily sexual, you need an attraction with your friends too. That means even those hot buff straight guys are attracted to their str8 male friends, you better believe they are!
    This says it all.

    "When I ought to be thinking of heaven he will nail me to earth"

     







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    Quote Originally Posted by Filambee View Post
    When I first dated my dual 8 years ago, it lasted only one month. Before we dated, we would talk on the phone a lot and that's why I started to like him. He liked me ever since he first met me. When we started dating, however, he and I didn't talk much. We would just cuddle on the couch and watch tv. I was just 18 years old, so I was pretty bored by him. He also didn't know how to be a gentleman, like, do little things for me. He never really verbalized his feelings to me back then so I thought he didn't like me that much. When I broke up with him, he was surprised. I was surprised that he even cared. I never verbalized my discontent with certain things that he did but later I realized that he wished that I did so that he could change.

    jeez what a mess that was, then again sounds like you two were pretty immature (doesn't the disclaimer say 21+). my guess is that either it wasn't duality or just that like i said you werent' fully developed. the reason i say this is because of what i've read about duality is that the two personalities are paired in just the right way (because of their function strengths and the order of them) that one will be able to initiate something with the other (the extraverted with the introvert usually) to get things moving. Maybe they over-glorify it a bit but basically they say the two make a self-sustaining unit because their basic relationship doesn't need outside sources to encourage them or make things happen so to speak.

    take INTj's and ESFj's for ex. One is extremely unemotional and hard to get to know. The other likes a challenge, is extremely emotional, and enjoys bringing others out of their shell. This is the only duality pair i've studied at all, but on a very basic level you can see that there isn't lots of unfulfillment and discouragement. Basically both will appreciate the strengths of the other, and appreciation can do a lot for relationships.

  38. #38

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    Quote Originally Posted by silke View Post
    it becomes permanent
    when you want to un-bond and you're all "get off me!" the dual doesn't let go and instead starts bonding with you ...
    i'll spare the rest of the gruesome details of dualization
    lol. Duals do find themselves moving closer in response to the others' distancing, but it's only up until a point. The sensor will default to "out of sight, out of mind" with constant physical separation, and the intuitive will become absorbed in other ideas. Duality usually only becomes permanent after a long time, with frequent contact.
    Last edited by ConcreteButterfly; 03-28-2014 at 12:49 AM.

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