IEEs with Duals: do you just have to touch your SLI Dual? Do you feel you just have to arouse him with touch sometimes? This seems to come from some primitive place in me, needing to "move" him by touching him, its like I am magnetically drawn to him, and its been so long since I have dated but I think its a particular SLI-yearning because I don't remember having the incredible compulsion to touch with my ESE-ex.
Let me tell you some things about my Dual and touch, and I would like to know if any of this sounds familiar to you.
And I am editing to say, this became a writing of my love story, but I really do want to know, IEE's, if you have these same impulses to touch and to highly value touch of your SLI dual.
For those who don't like to read a wall of words, oh well, then don't read it. IEE's wont mind. And our minds are fast enough to skim.
First I have to say my SLI and I have this crazy aspect to us. We are trying to keep a certain distance till married, which will be asap but might be months yet, and it seems so confining to make this effort when we love each other, yet, we are both individually stalwart in our faith in God who loves us. And both of us, on our own, believe He asks this of us and that He wouldn't ask us to do anything that is not for our own good, and, we acknowledge He knows and sees things far greater than we can imagine, and so we obey even though it makes no sense... Yet though we intellectually and with faith acknowledge this, it does feel all wrong a lot of the time! And we do get weary of it, and sometimes we get just silly laughing about it sometimes ... and we have this ongoing joke about chaste/chased... [as in, "Oh! I thought you wanted to be chased!"]
...That's not what this post is about, but I think I wanted to clear that up anyway. Even though we have these highly unnatural limits to our touch at this time, we do feel everything anyone feels who is in love.
We'd been writing about 8 years before we met, as "strictly" friends. However in the mountain of writing we did, even though the whole point for me was to have a male friend I could trust not to flirt with me, and even though he had the same ideas about having a strictly chaste friendship, we did flirt from time to time, and it was always about touch, it seems, or being naked. I wonder if that sounds like a theme with any of you IEE/SLI duals? I don't remember either of these themes with my ex, but SLI and I wrote on every kind of thing. Like we longed to know what each other had to say about everything. So once got onto writing to each other about the proper way to sunbathe - no clothes, of course - and we then kept returning to that, and it slipped how nice it would be to do that together. An arousing thought. And back then I remember sometimes daydreaming of his touch. I quickly tried to discipline myself by putting all these things out of my mind, and I quite forgot about that flirting we'd done when I finally met him years later.
That hour I met him we talked at his home about all kinds of things and I found he was as easy to talk to as he was to write to. It was wonderful to put a face and a real person to my friend of long correspondence who I intended to keep as just friends, as, I was happily in the midst of a longtime-effort to be happy alone - and thought I was doing quite well at it. And I should feel more so convicted about remaining friends now upon meeting him (just after a break in our correspondence when both our lives got complicated) when he tells me "I am a ruin" and truly felt it of himself. Not the kind of future I was imagining for myself!
Yes, so, I was quite sure where I stood with him, and meeting him was real nice, but, I was in quite a hurry to get on the road. But before I could rush off, he interrupted me with a request -- one he'd been thinking up at the end of our conversation, as I realized later when I remembered and analyzed every.last.detail. of this life-changing moment, and remembered his quick-thinking eyes at one point just before what came:
He said, "Would you pray the Angelus with me?" I was startled by the sudden passion in his voice, and suddenly I felt shy, and sputtered, "Um, yeah, I guess, I used to pray it but I don't know if I remember it all," and he said "Its okay!" and grabbed my two hands in his, and he led us in the back-and-forth prayer,
"The Angel of the Lord declared unto Mary"
"and she conceived of the Holy Spirit"...
And I was caught up in awe. Our voices, so beautiful together, were the angels praying with us? And his hands, oh, those hands, enfolding mine, it was magic. Later, back home in my state, remembering, I though his hands were huge. But they weren't, they are average-size hands, but they still remain to me the most magical hands. That moment, his touch - it pulled me in. It completely changed my life for good.
And we finished the prayers, and he hugged me, a quick, chaste hug, but something about it, this tiny movement where he moved me slightly to where he wanted me to be, a split second before we hugged - it was very quick, very brief, nonsexual, but so sure and direct, and something about that move, that hug** and those hands woke all of me up, and when he turned to walk away, I didn't want him to go. Minutes before, wanting to hurry off, I had no such feeling. But now, I never wanted to part. It was so crazy I had to force myself to go, get in the car, continue with my plan. But this feeling did not shake off, not that night, not the next morning, a week went by and it would not go away and in fact it was much worse! And I wrote to him angrily, "You did this to me on purpose!"
I didn't want love and I didn't want attachment. I thought he plotted this. You are too clever for me, I accused.
[**as to that hug, it confirmed what I thought the first time I laid eyes on him in his doorway,. "Oh! He has nice eyes!", I thought. "Nicer than his pictures." And, "I like his physicality". And I shocked myself with that thought! I never evaluate people like that, I never used that word before. What made me think that, I wondered?]
Much later I read this article, when I was wondering why I could not shake this love that made no sense and had so many obstacles, and trying to understand his type I stumbled upon Socionics and then the Duality explained it all . So this is why God would let this happen! Here is the actual definable good in this. And now I had this thirst to learn everything about Duality in order to explain this crazy upset in my life. And then when I came across so this article http://www.socionika.com/experiencin...relations.htmland its list "When Duals Meet", I finally felt some peace now to have an explanation for those feelings that made no sense stemming from that day.
Yes, so it was SLI's touch that pulled me in. I wonder if he had not done that, if I had left without any touch, would we be where we are today? Likely not!
I thought I would see him in springtime. I had not been moved by music in so many years - I think it was the PTSD I was just healed of just before I met SLI - and now a Sophie Hawkins song moved me to my core - the whistle of a train (I could hear every night from my room while I thought of SLI), springtime, barefoot, run to meet him, yes, I would do that [we had walked barefoot in the grass in his yard, and I noticed how much softer the ground was than in my state]. And her happy, light voice - it was the very voice of how this love made me feel. And these repeated words sang what my heart felt every night when I hit the bed, as I now so looked forward to bed, alone in my room, to falling asleep with him - and his touch - in my thoughts:
As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name
Into the sky
And I will wake up happy
and my heart longed for him to call my name. Happy... My heart was so happy thinking of him.
But it was October I met him, and I soon realized I could not possibly wait til far-off summer, "till the sun comes out again", to see him. December- time came and I was miserable. I had to see him. Maybe I could get rid of this that was disrupting my life, once and for all. Either that or get the confirmation I needed that this was real. I just knew I could not live like this til summer. My next school break was - February. It could blizzard. But I could try, maybe it wouldn't. I wrote. "What would you think if I came to visit for a week in February? I could stay at the Abbey nearby and come visit you." "Well, its awfully soon, but, if you think so", he said. Yes, I thought so. So February, mindful of those words "February morning" in that song, became what I lived for now.
So I went. Stayed at a beautiful holy place, and visited him by day, finding it hard to part at night. Talking with him was again so easy. And I longed for times to touch him. We would sit on the couch together and I woudl be as close as possible, blissful happy to rest my head on him and stroke his chest and feel his skin under his shirt and kiss his lips. I remember driving to Mass at the Abbey with him down this long and beautiful tree-lined lane and he was talking, talking, and I wanted him to stop and I stopped the car (yes, I was driving, as, part of his "ruin" is not having a car OR license now; he let it expire) and I think he was talking only to fill the space like a nervous thing, but I wanted quiet to enjoy his closeness, so I pulled over just to hold and kiss his hand, his beautiful hands.
Next visit at Easter I stayed at his house, to save money, and the time and gas of driving back and forth. His grown daughter was home, that would keep us "honest". But wouldn't you know we found time to be alone anyway, found time to lay on his bed together, so much nicer than the couch. That visit we learned how we need to plan ahead not to have things go were our head tells us we don't want to go... our standard for before-married is "brother and sister" and we can't honestly say we kept that, and we found our desires are akin to children who want to open all the packages before Christmas... So we hastily wrapped some back up and are trying to save them all till "Christmas", and not open any more...
And it remains a theme with us, we just want to touch, we long to get naked, and we just have to wait. I truly believe that I will never ever tire of his touch. My ex rejected my touch almost from our wedding day. Yes, from the wedding day because I had to talk him into being with me on the wedding night. Yes, we were tired from the reception but I longed to be with him, and he wanted sleep since there was brunch with his family in the morning... Anyway, I later learned this is what Narcissists do - they use sexuality to get the girl but once they are sure they have her its too much work to keep up. I didn't know why my husband tired of touch, it made me very sad and insecure but I came to accept that that's what happens when you marry... even though, I would see evidence over the years that this didn't happen to all other couples. It always confused me when I noticed that, and made me long. And after many years of loneliness, when my marraige was completely deteriorated, I began to write to SLI, strictly as just friends. But I found myself at times secretly longing for his touch, and we said things to each other, scarcely alluding, that made me think he felt the same.
So you see, touch has been the constant under-story the whole time with SLI, and still is, and I do have this most-sure feeling that I will never tire of his touch. Today I was feeling such anxiety, and could not talk myself out of it, and thought: if we were married, SLI could make me forget it all with his touch.