Yesterday I was supposed to meet up with an old SLE college friend that I have a pretty heavy history with. Romantic too, at a certain point, and otherwise just vitriolic. He's one of those really fucked up SLEs too, or so I thought though now I think there is just something wrong with all EP temperaments (except female IEE and SEE).
Anyway when I do talk to him he's very apologetic about our past and tries to show that he really wants to make amends and that he values my friendship. So finally I decide to take the initiative in meeting up in person, and tell him to meet me at a pub where I was meeting a high school friend, so that it's not awkward.. and also kind of so I'm in a decent position. He usually angles for situations where the other person is forced to feel more awkward, to cover up his own goddamn awkwardness.. you know how that goes with SLE. He didn't turn up, and I had a pretty fun time drinking with my girl friend, though I had made up my mind that I would go on a drunken rage at him the minute I got home.
I did do this, and he gave an excuse that he had a lot of work, though he could have just said that earlier instead of being an asshole. He tried to act like this was super low priority, he didn't even think about it, but I mean who does that? Why go through so much of a charade?
Then I remembered an ILE ex of mine who did similar things.. getting caught up in work and totally blowing off commitments related to hanging out with people they are very comfortable with (aka take for granted).
First of all, they are not the fucking CEO, they are probably pretty replaceable according to everyone but themselves. Second, it's a Fi-POLR thing, but it's shocking how unaware they are of it. Like, it's not even a thing for them. Why do they think this? I mean my Te-POLR hits me in the face in very tangible ways, and I have to say that it gives me humility, which is a valuable thing. Humility gives you substance below the smoke-and-mirror show which is the only thing that EXTp is capable of.
Another thing is how much of what comes out of their mouths is on-the-spot bullshit with the intent of improving their own position at the cost of someone else. This is what makes (some?) of them outright despicable, because it's not fun bullshit, it's not imaginative bullshit, it's straight up gaslighting. Except when the other person actually knows more, then its just them making a fool of themselves and not realizing it, because (aha!) Fi-POLR.
For example, while I was drunkenly raging, I mentioned that he's sent me some pretty compromising emails (girls are like apples poem, when he has a longtime steady. I mean we can blame Fi-POLR again here, but that is just plain disrespectful to his gf). Idk what my point was, exactly, other than the fact that I don't call him out or make things difficult for him even when he makes it easy, not because I'm stupid, but because I care and that is at least worth telling someone you can't make it instead standing them up and acting like they have so many other important things to do. His response is to tell me his company uses an email-tracking whatever which allows him to see how many times I open his emails, and that was why he agreed to try and meet me in the first place.
Now, everyone listen carefully. Before, this manouvre would have totally blindsided me and the rest would have been a victory march for him. I used to be mortified whenever he made me feel like I was still hung up over him while he never gave a fuck. But, this is only what he wants me to think (see above: gaslighting). It's clever, actually, making use of all the information he already has: I'm too un-tech-savvy to know whether the email tracking thing is true or not; I'm drunk; I'm upset by his actions. How to consolidate this into real power over me? BAM you want me more than I want you!
I will give him credit though, for hiding the brush strokes really fucking well. I will also give credit to ILE ex for being much less smooth but pulling all the same shit, effectively rendering himself into the perfect training manual on How To Read EXTp Dummies. (lol)