Last edited by HERO; 06-30-2013 at 09:06 AM.
Kristen Pfaff and Kurt Donald Cobain didn't like the scene anyhow
Dual type (as per tcaudilllg)
Enneagram 2w1sw(1w9) helps others to live up to their own standards of what a good person is and is very behind the scenes in the process.
Tritype 1-2-6 stacking sp/sx
I'm constantly looking to align the real with the ideal.I've been more oriented toward being overly idealistic by expecting the real to match the ideal. My thinking side is dominent. The result is that sometimes I can be overly impersonal or self-centered in my approach, not being understanding of others in the process and simply thinking "you should do this" or "everyone should follor this rule"..."regardless of how they feel or where they're coming from"which just isn't a good attitude to have. It is a way, though, to give oneself an artificial sense of self-justification. LSE
Best description of functions:
Thanks for all the replies. Here are some examples of things he's written:
"We need to get hispanics, and latinos motivated to vote these evil republicans out of office. There is a large population that did not go to polls in *******, and now we're stuck with ***. ****** for another term. There is a sense i think in the community that our voice doesn't matter, but it does. Its time to step up and exercise our rights and make our voice heard. We have a right to exist also, just like blacks, asians, and whites of this country."
"next democratic president better have a presidential template and forget the mediation. With a divided and partisan congress that we have now, waiting for meaningful legislation to come from congress is truly wishful thinking. I still plan on voting for Obama in 2012, but there after democrats need to get on tough, or i'm looking for another political party to support."
"A) I am seriously considering a carrer in accounting, finanace. I believe this career path has the greatest growth for potential. I am interested in accounting because of the spiritual aspect of numbers.
B) the most recent movie i've seen was, street fighter: legend of chun li. I thought the movie was well writen and stayed true to the video game. The best part was when the good guys found rose
C) i have no hobbies. a real hobby would include something that i'm really interested in, and unfortunatly i'm not really all the interested in anything at the moment. i dont really have a hobby other than sleep. althought i don't consider it a hobby so much as it is a product of pre-diabetes
D) president obama is a great president because he is young, smart, and is a man of color. Pres. Obama would not make a good president because he is not illuminati. i voted for pres. obama"
One of his favorite quotations is this: "There is no avoiding war; it can only be postponed to the advantage of others."
"i understand the one child policy too. lord knows the tea party needs a one child policy."
"difficult to say what is the best course of action. on the one hand tar sand extraction is a more intensive endeavor, but we would be able to produce petroleum so close to home and get the U.S. off the mid east teat providing badly need jobs. If i was the president i would approve the pipeline. It seems like a home run, energy, jobs, less dependence on mid east oil.
I think the problem facing environmentalist is that they believe in their cause so strongly that they don't see lying as a problem. to them, the environment is such an important cause that lying becomes just another tool at their disposal. They are willing to manipulate their models and prognosis to fit their view of the world.
That is not science its an emotional response, it is no better than the creationist/intelligence design."
Last edited by HERO; 06-22-2013 at 06:46 AM.
Kristen Pfaff and Kurt Donald Cobain didn't like the scene anyhow
I've considered IEI for him (along with someone else from the16types/Socionics community). The subject of this thread once took a Socionics.com test that gave him ISTj, and an MBTI test that gave him INTJ (or I think he started to self-type as an INTJ/INTj...)
Here are other things he's written:
Friday, March 13, 2009, 5:28 PM
"i have heard about myers-briggs and i took a test i found online. i don't know how accurate it is but i came out to be a mastermind. INTJ. I looked up artisan ESFP, on wikipedia and that doesn't sound like me.
I am interested in astrology. On youtube there is a guy who talks about Egyptian astrology. you are correct i am a Gemini, metal rooster.
My hobbies include sleep, looking at art drawings online, keeping up with my friends online, learning about ghosts, ufos, psychic phenomena, and spiritual enlightenment. which i do from the comfort of my own room, lol.
well thats a little bit about me. do you have a myspace or facebook account???
hope to hear from you soon . . ."
Sunday, March 15, 2009, 5:40 AM
"hi [agape], I think i found you on facebook. i took the socionics test and it turns out im a pragmatist. i went to horoscope link and my ascending sign is Scorpio.
I love lucid dreaming, omg is that fun! one time i had this crazy dream where there were the government forces trying to secure a shopping mall and me and my friends we're all battling against them. good fun, then the government guys brought out this robot and i threw a grenade at it, but when it didn't blow up i was like wtf?? then it started shooting laser beams at me, and I'm like screw this and then i woke up. I love dreams like that.
I don't have the man2manalliance link on my profile, but i think as long as you are okay with people knowing that you like to frot go for it.
I think in if i was in your situation, i would start to go through the possibilities;
1: he doesn't like you like that
2: he does have feelings for you but hes not man enough to admit to them.
If i still wanted to be friends with him i would keep the lines of communication open, I would stay cordial, like say hello if i saw him. What i would not do is chase after him. It is going to be hard, but in time it will get better. So, you see I'm always planing my next move. I cannot change the people around me but i will not allow myself to be treated wrongly. You deserve to be treated with respect, don't get hung up on this one guy. Plenty of fish in the sea, as they say.
well i hope that helps"
- Wednesday, March 18, 2009, 8:33 PM
"thank you [agape] for this, it means a lot. i still have to get that past lives book we were talking about on facebook but this helps me out a great deal.
i'm glad you took out that book, lucid dreaming is helluva fun, in no time you'll be battling monsters, elite government forces, robots and much more! much better than anything on tv or the movies, well with the exception of maybe the matrix and other movies i can't think of.
As for andrew, what do you think it was that messed up the friendship?
[agape] you are awesome never forget that.
PS: i saw your new pics, and as borat would say, very nice!"
- "im sorry to hear about that. i know how it is, you trust someone and they act a certain way, then they change and you see their true colors . . . i hope all is well with you."
Sunday, October 19, 2008, 5:26 PM
"thank you for your kind words.
i just received the email from bill about the four new posts did you get it?? he said he put more into the four posts that are up. toward the end of the email he calls for donations so lets not let him down.
when i wrote to bill i just wrote how i felt. i was worried at first but i said to myself, the worst that could happen is that he doesn't write back. but he did write back, so if you have any hesitation just through caution to the wind and write to him. Also, it might be a good idea to give him permission to post ahead of time. i think he asked my permission twice and on the second time i just gave him blanket permission, he could post what he wanted from my emails.
well i hope to see your post up there soon."
- Monday, April 27, 2009, 2:45 PM
i love you [agape], we are together, and now you have a friend and a lover. i don't see how you are making things worse, what is there to "make" worse?
I know how terrible loneliness can feel. no one talk to, starring at the walls, you wake up thinking another day wasted, and for what?
But, i think last nite towards the end you were sounding motivated and thats good. finish your education, find a job you enjoy, it is important that you keep "moving" in your life. Also some meditation and or prayer will help keep you mind occupied.
You have the soul astrology book so i'm sure you will be devouring that today. If you get tired from reading you can always keep working on my movie let me know if you need the username/password again.
don't forget to look at the clouds, i wish for your happiness. i love you [agape]."
- Here's something I once wrote to him (March 24, 2009):
First I thought I should comment on your assumption that you would make a terrible father. You don't have to take what I say seriously. I think you could make a good father if you ever choose. Ideally being a parent is a choice made when one's life is sorted out, one has the essential things one wants and/or needs, one is secure and happy, 'enlightened'. Many parents don't fit those criteria. Being a parent should be a choice. If you choose not to be a father, that does not mean you would make a terrible father. You could make a better father than Andrew would for example. You have a great sense of humour -- it's one of your best qualities -- and you're intelligent. And like I said being a parent should be a choice for the most part. It's better to choose not to be a parent than to be forced to become a parent by accident, so to speak.
The Rational parent is considered an Individuator, while the Artisan parent is considered a Liberator. Here's a quote from a book on the INTJ parent:
"With their children, Masterminds are loving and unfailing in their devotion. Their children are a major focus in life, and they loyally support them and tend to allow them to develop in directions of their own choosing. These supremely definite INTJs encourage independence of action and attitude in their offspring. On the other hand, they are fully aware that children need well-defined limits, and they are invariably firm and consistent in setting those limits."
It turns out that *** is also an INTJ.
Here's a quote from Plato's Symposium:
"...they who are a section of the male, follow the male, and while they are young, being slices of the original man, they hang about men and embrace them, and they are themselves the best of boys and youths, because they have the most manly nature. Some indeed assert that they are shameless, but this is not true; for they do not act thus from any want of shame, but because they are valiant and manly, and have a manly countenance, and they embrace that which is like them. And these when they grow up become our statesmen, and these only, which is a great proof of the truth of what I am saying. When they reach manhood they are lovers of youth, and are not naturally inclined to marry or beget children,--if at all, they do so only in obedience to the law; but they are satisfied if they may be allowed to live with one another unwedded; and such a nature is prone to love and ready to return love, always embracing that which is akin to him. And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and one will not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment: these are the people who pass their whole lives together..."
That is the ideal of the Ancient Greeks (Athenians), Plato, Aristophanes, etc.
Here's an excerpt from an essay written by Gore Vidal in 1981, and titled Pink Triangle and Yellow Star: "Decter knows that there have always been homosexual teachers, and she thinks that they should keep quiet about it. But if they keep quiet, they can be blackmailed or fired. Also, a point that would really distress her, a teacher known to be a same-sexer would be a splendid role model for those same-sexers that he -- or she -- is teaching. Decter would think that an unmitigated evil because men and women were created to breed; but, of course, it would be a perfect good because we have more babies than we know what to do with while we lack, notoriously, useful citizens at ease with themselves. That is what the row over the schools is all about."
- Here's some other things I wrote to him in the past (April 4, 2009):
I wanted to tell you that I'm currently working on making my passport eventually. So I'm not sure when I'll be able to visit *******. The summer could be a possibility if that's what you want. I'm not sure.
Anyway I felt that I should explain some things about Marcus. I first met him at the Glenrose and I was crying because I was already hospitalized and I hated it. Yet things changed, we developed a bit of a rapport, although he was kind of bossy and mean. There was always something strange between us. I started to socialize and interact more. And then there came a girl named Jessie, and we sort of developed a friendship. At the time Marcus had a girl there named Dianna, who was supposed to be his girlfriend. This is what's been strange in my life. It's like I was seeking parental figures or something unconsciously, because I always compared 'couples' in life, etc. to my mom and stepdad. Like Dianna and Marcus, Marcus and Matthew, etc. It almost felt like they became my 'substitute parents' for a while. And then I had 'sister-figures': Jessie, Madeleine, Sarah. And 'brother-figures', which Marcus came close to being, and Andrew, closer.
Either way, Jessie was a cutter/self-mutilator like many other girls there. I think she even scratched Marcus once. He might've called her a lesbian or something. I remember when she was just scratching herself in front of everyone and I let her scratch me too, I guess. Another very strange 'love'. Either way people found out about my scratch and I didn't want to blame Jessie, so the people who were 'abused'/terrorized by Marcus wanted to blame him for it. Like I said, I didn't want to blame Jessie, and likewise, Marcus was pissed off. Jessie ended up running away with another boy after Marcus got on her nerves too much. When I met Marcus in Edmonton before he stole from me he said that it was because he didn't want to be her boyfriend and she was angry with him. It could be true, because I remember Jessie once asking Dianna if the only reason she likes Marcus is because he's handsome, and Dianna responded, "I'm not like that."
I was devastated that Jessie run away. I wanted to hate Marcus so much more than I hated Andrew. The thing about Marcus is you actually feel justified with feeling angry with him because he does such random things. I remember how he broke his foot or something, he had a cast, after he was jumping on the stairs...Whereas with Andrew, I felt completely guilty and unjustified and angry, while he was completely entitled because I was more of the jerk in the Victoria scenario.
I ended up running away from the Glenrose when Marcus read my notebook. Even in Edmonton, 2008 he remembered my lyrical rage. I never came back, just like I've quit school in Victoria, because I was scared of being hospitalized. I was scared that I wouldn't control myself, that I would keep having crying spells...so after I took the greyhound bus to Edmonton and back I never went back to school. "All of this has happened before and will happen again." Yet I swear that "Andrew" is the last time I'll quit anything important. And I don't blame Andrew. I blame myself.
Anyway, it was later in 2004, that I found out from Dianna, who had undergone ECT and couldn't remember everything, that Jessie had returned to the Glenrose, that Jessie scratched my name on her arm, even Marcus had returned although he was always in trouble. Jessie was ultimately banned from the Glenrose for being bad. I think she was ESTp, Marcus: ESFp [? (more likely a Beta Extravert--EIE?)], Madeleine: INFj [more likely IEI-Ni, LSI, or LII]; Andrew: ESTp; Sarah (who I only knew very briefly when I was homeless in 2008 and who thought I was weird): INFp, I believe. She was actually honest about her same-sex feelings, I think she had a girlfriend. She was also the prettiest girl I ever knew, "a natural beauty", that's the phrase the scary addict guy used to flirt with her, and he also discussed the plot of "The Collector" which added to his creepiness. I remember when he said, "Come on, [agape], give me head." Like I said, guys like him make me sad: they're 'homophobic' and opportunistic. At least Andrew's only 'homophobic'. And of course I didn't give the addict guy head, because unlike Marcus I'm not a prostitute. I can understand that Matthew and Marcus weren't always too secure financially, no duh, they were homeless on and off. Yet I remember Matthew essentially pimping Marcus to give blow jobs to other men for money.
So I guess that's it when it comes to this silly portion of the story of my life. Maybe I have bad karma. I never knew my father. For seventeen years of my life I thought he was dead, and I believed a fairy tale of a marriage, a 'soldier-like' doctor who died in a car accident, etc. So you can imagine the shock when I found out the truth. Everyone knew before me. I dealt with it the best I could at first, yet I quickly spiralled. The fact is my mother feared my father. He had status as a doctor and probably feared anything that could jeopardize his reputation. And he achieved his status by paying lip-service to the communist party, in other words Ceausescu liked him. [I might've been jumping to conclusions in regards to this; when I actually asked my Mom I'm not sure what the whole truth is regarding this. My Mom just told me he wasn't a member of the Communist party; he was just a doctor. Perhaps he may have once been a doctor for someone in the Ceausescu family or someone related to them, but since I don't know all the facts, I really can't say. Recently, my Mom told me this about my biological father: 'He was the Professor and leader of gastroenterology. He was specialized in liver disease. He wasn't Ceausescu's personal doctor. He might've been requested at times for Ceausescu's alcoholic son, since [your biological father] was a specialist.'] So my mother became a refugee in Belgrade, lived with my bossy aunt, and then immigrated to Canada when I was seven months old. And the rest, like they say, is history.
So how are you? I wish being completely honest was easier for me, but it's not. I still haven't disclosed half of the crap I've done in the past. At least I've never murdered or raped anyone in this life. What a cliche that 'rationalization' is, right?"
- Here's what he wrote:
Sunday, April 5, 2009, 2:06 AM
"[agape] its okay whenever money and time permit you can visit. Is it just me or does marcus have a big butt?? was that picture taken at glenrose, and what the hell did they do to you in there. you have been through so much and you deserve to be happy. here is a digital hug from me to you ./hug
I will be here to listen to you anytime you want to talk. Do you have a cell fone?? maybe i could send you a text message or something?"
- Here are some excerpts I sent him via e-mail since I sort of volunteered to help with him an essay or something he was writing for college (April 29, 2009):
Author: David Cayley
Title: Ivan Illich in Conversation
Publisher: House of Anansi Press Limited
Ivan Illich, David Cayley (1992):
"Most of the discussion around me was about immediately making many
more years of education compulsory. Nobody faced the fact that schooling
served, at least in Puerto Rico, to compound the native poverty of half of the
children with a new interiorized sense of guilt for not having made it. I
therefore came to the conclusion that schools inevitably are a system to
produce dropouts, and to produce more dropouts than successes. Because
the school is open for sixteen years, eighteen years, nineteen years of
schooling and never closes the door on anybody, it will always produce a few
successes and a majority of failures. In the minds of the people who
financed and engineered them, schools were established to increase
equality. I discovered that they really acted as a lottery system in which those
who didn't make it didn't just lose what they had paid in but were also
stigmatized as inferior for the rest of their lives. (pp. 62-63)
Authors: Illich et al.
Title: After Deschooling, What?
Publisher: Harper & Row, Publishers
Illich et al. (1973):
"This crisis is epochal. We are witnessing the end of the age of schooling.
School has lost the power, which reigned supreme during the first half of this
century, to blind its participants to the divergence between the egalitarian
myth its rhetoric serves and the rationalization of a stratified society its
certificates produce. The loss of legitimacy of the schooling process as a
means of determining competence, as a measure of social value, and as an
agent of equality threatens all political systems that rely on schools as the
means of reproducing themselves.
School is the initiation ritual to a society oriented toward the progressive
consumption of increasingly less tangible and more expensive services, a
society that relies on worldwide standards, large-scale and long-term
planning, constant obsolescence through the built-in ethos of never-ending
improvements: the constant translation of new needs into specific demands
for the consumption of new satisfactions. This society is proving itself
unworkable." (pp. 5-6)
- May 1st, 2009:
I am going to send you what I have written so far for your essay. It's not to much.Sorry. I did not find to much material at the library and it's too short time to read and compose. I am overwhelmed.I.ve been in a lot of pain lately.
[agape] (my Mom actually sent this message on my behalf (because I was overwhelmed...) [my pelvic pain probably was acting up at the time]... I wrote the following):
'The American educational system is in dire need of rational reform. I believe that education is meant to be a transformative method of inculcating knowledge, skills, tools, values, and beliefs in order for children to thrive and mature to become healthy productive adults. On the other hand, compulsory education is a well-intentioned yet imperfect mode of educating children. America needs to reform its educational system if it has any chance of surviving in the 21st century.
The history of compulsory education in America began in Massachusetts. " The first compulsory school attendance law was passed in Massachusetts in 1852." (Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc.; The Annals of America: Volume 10; 1968; p. 115) It " require[d] formal education for all children between the ages of eight and fourteen for at least three months of the year." (Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc.; The Annals of America: Volume 8; 1968; p. 63) At first this was a necessary and important step since many children were not attending school due to domestic occupations and the familial and industrial system. Yet as time went on, the paradigm of compulsory education gradually began to corrode the vitality and uniqueness of growing children.
What do people expect from school? Equality, the cultivation of humanist ethics and wisdom, freedom of speech and expression, truth. Is this also what we expect from education in our " advanced industrial society" (Illich et al.; Herbert Gintis; After Deschooling, What?; Toward a Political Economy of Education: A Radical Critique of Ivan Illich's Deschooling Society; 1973, 1972; p. 29) Or has our educational system been warped by consumerist ideologies?
To this day our expectations for education are filtered through the lens of our society. Nevertheless most of us share similar expectations of finding enjoyment in learning coupled with the desire to also pursue what we really want to learn.'
- I sent these excerpts to him on May 2nd, 2009:
Author: Illich et al.
Title: After Deschooling, What?
Publisher: Harper & Row, Publishers
Illich et al. (1973):
...Work is evil for Illich -- unrewarding by its very nature -- and not to be granted the status of "activity":
. . . "making and acting" are different, so different, in fact, that one never
includes the other. . . . Modern technology has increased the ability of man to
relinquish the "making" of things to machines, and his potential time for
"acting" has increased. . . . Unemployment is the sad idleness of a man who,
contrary to Aristotle, believes that making things, or working, is virtuous and
that idleness is bad. [DS, p. 62]
Again, Illich's shift in the work-leisure choice is basically apolitical and will follow
naturally from the abolition of value indoctrination. People work so hard and long because they are taught to believe the fruits of their activities--consumption--are intrinsically worthy. Elimination of the "hard-sell pitch" of bureaucratic institutions will allow individuals to discover within themselves the falsity of the doctrine. (pp. 36-37)
Author: John Holt
Title: Instead of Education
Publisher: E. P. Dutton & Co. Inc. New York
John Holt (1976):
To be peaceful and stable, every society organized into winners and losers
must persuade the losers that this state of affairs is necessary, and that its
way of picking winners and losers is just, that the losers deserve to lose. At
one time, winners and losers were picked by the accident of birth. Modern
societies do this more and more with the S-chools. But the people who
control society naturally want the S-chools to pick winners in such a way that
the existing social order is not changed--in short, so that most of the winners
are the children of winners, and the losers the children of losers. The
S-chools, then, must run a race which mostly rich kids will win but which
most poor people will accept as fair. On the whole they have done this very
well. (p. 158)
Author(s): Plato; Translated by Benjamin Jowett; Edited by Irwin Edman
Year: 1928, 1956
Title(s): The Works of Plato; The Republic
Publisher: New York : The Modern Library, c1956.
Plato et al. (1956):
Let us say to him: Come, now, and we will ask you a question:--when you
spoke of a nature gifted or not gifted in any respect, did you mean to say that
one man will acquire a thing easily, another with difficulty; a little learning will
lead the one to discover a great deal; whereas the other, after much study
and application, no sooner learns than he forgets; or again, did you mean, that
the one has a body which is a good servant to his mind, while the body of the
other is a hindrance to him?--would not these be differences which distinguish
the man gifted by nature from the one who is ungifted? (p. 405)
- On May 3rd, 2009, he wrote:
i love you. ;-)
- On May 5th, 2009, I wrote:
It "require[d] formal education for all children between the ages of eight and fourteen for at least three months of the year."
- Then he wrote:
Saturday, May 9, 2009, 8:13 AM
"my love, the essay is finished and i could not have finished it without you."
- Here's something I once e-mailed to him (April 25, 2009):
This is half of a transcript I made of a audiotaped session with a psychic/astrologer:
circa October(?), 2008
[PSYCHIC]: Let me see your hand.
[PSYCHIC]: Yeah, I'm just feeling your energy, that's all.
So I get you're pretty sensitive, you know.
You're pretty sensitive to people. And I don't know if you know this because you're used to it, but I'd say you're pretty intuitive, and you listen to that instead of logic. One of the things for you is to be a little more physical -- exercise a little more.
[PSYCHIC]: Yeah, because that would be a good balance for you, because you tend to be mental. You're smart, you like to research, you like to investigate things and study. There's a lot of the color violet in your energy field which means you're a thinker. So sometimes you need to balance that by feeling what's happening in your body, not thinking about it so much.
Now do you have something you want me to look at in particular?
[AGAPE]: I'm not sure.
[PSYCHIC]: Have you ever had a reading before?
[PSYCHIC]: Oh you haven't. Because I can look at different areas in your life if you have questions about things, then it brings the answers out. Your questions bring the answers through.
So, we'll see. Let me look at your astrology. Now because I don't have a computer here to find out the time you were born, I'm going to do it generally. So what's your birthday?
[AGAPE]: ******** ****, ****.
I also know my time of birth, but I was born in a different country.
[PSYCHIC]: Right, well the thing is I'd have to put that into the computer to see your rising sign, and then that gets it really accurate, but for a half-hour reading we can use this.
All right, so, ******** --
[AGAPE]: ****, ****.
[PSYCHIC]: And you were born -- What country were you born in?
[AGAPE]: It was ********, **********. Now it's ******.
[PSYCHIC]: And do you know around what time -- was it morning or night?
[AGAPE]: It was ***** **, in the morning.
[PSYCHIC]: In the morning. Okay.
Oh, well; you know it's really -- you're either Aquarius or Pisces. I don't believe people are ever born on the cusp. When you have the exact time you can see the exact degree. I would say -- ******** the **** -- and in the morning -- I think you're probably Aquarius. That's my sense. I mean when you first sat down I was getting Aquarius. You look Aquarius.
So you were born on a full moon. Your Moon's in the sign of Leo. Do you know a little about your astrology?
[AGAPE]: Yeah, somewhat.
[PSYCHIC]: Okay. So what I just said about you trusting your intuition more, that is important because you tend to be very analytical, you see all the details; it's important to see the big picture with anything, 'cause you can get bogged down with all little things, so you just see what the wholeness is, and then the details will help move you towards that.
And also to be careful that you're not too self-critical or critical of others, and that's again because you see details of things.
It's really good for you to take the time, and either through exercise or relaxing music to go into a meditative state, and just be, instead of thinking so much, right.
Do you have an interest in astrology (in particular)?
[PSYCHIC]: I'll tell you the name of a book that would be very good. Soul Astrology, Jan Spiller; and you want to look up Pisces North Node, and if you read all about that, you'll really get an understanding of yourself. And through that you can look up other people's birth information. It just tells where the North Node of the Moon is -- which is really -- you could do a whole reading based on that.
[AGAPE]: When did I have, like, a North Node Return last year?
[PSYCHIC]: North Node Return?
[AGAPE]: Like, because, I was born with it in Pisces, right. So, it went in Pisces last year. So I'm not sure if that means anything, I guess.
[PSYCHIC]: I've never focused on a Return of the North Node.
Well, so you do know a little bit about astrology.
So you know your Mercury and Venus are there [Aquarius], which means you like people that are intellectual and use their minds, and certainly in relationships you need someone where you connect mentally with. Relationships for you are challenging, they help you see, grow, and see all the angles, different angles of things that you wouldn't if you weren't in a relationship. It opens your awareness more when you're in a relationship for sure.
You like to travel? Do you like travelling?
[AGAPE]: I haven't really travelled that much in my life.
[PSYCHIC]: Well this shows either education or travel or adventure.
Are you athletic at all? Sports-oriented?
[AGAPE]: Not really, but sometimes I'd like to be more...
[PSYCHIC]: 'Cause you have Mars and Jupiter together, which is about expansion and movement and travel, all of that.
[AGAPE]: I'd like to travel..
[PSYCHIC]: So how old are you?
[PSYCHIC]: Nineteen, yeah, you're still young.
... Money's important to you, security's important to you. You'll likely work in an area that brings that in for you. You're going to be changing the structure, the way that we run things on this planet. You're part of the energy that's going to help re-create a new foundation, a money system that works.
Have you had a lot of crisis in your life, would you say?
[AGAPE]: Yeah, somewhat.
[PSYCHIC]: It looks like it to me. There's some part of you that doesn't trust things.
[PSYCHIC]: Yeah, and that has largely to do with situations in your, growing up, where you've learned not to trust.
So there's a part of you that's skeptical, or always checking to make sure things are safe and secure. And this seems to do, it seems especially around men. It's more, yeah, it would be especially around that, or anything to do with money.
[AGAPE]: Yeah. Well I haven't, like, I just got a job, so I haven't had that much experience with those things?
[PSYCHIC]: But did your family have issues around trust with money, or something come up in your family, around security and money and something that happened that was a bit of a crisis?
[AGAPE]: Maybe somewhat, maybe somethings that, my Mom and my stepdad did have certain issues with finances and stuff.
[PSYCHIC]: For sure that would influence you.
Yeah, and if you've got questions that you want to know about your chart or your astrology, you can ask that too, we can look that up.
[AGAPE]: What about -- do you have information -- I don't know if you have, possibly, yeah you don't have that.
[AGAPE]: It's for an asteroid. Chiron?
[PSYCHIC]: Chiron's here. You've got Chiron in Cancer. So that has to do -- I actually use Chiron quite a lot. Chiron in Cancer -- let's see how that's woven in here. So Chiron, and that would be opposed to these planets in Capricorn. So, one of the things for you is definitely about feeling your emotions, 'cause there's some part of you you block that off. And again it sort of has to do with your childhood or something -- not to blame that -- but it's something that you experienced there growing up, and a part of you would fantasize. You have to see what's real, 'cause you can go in a fantasy in your mind about things, and it's important to actualize them, to really, to know it's real because you can make it happen, rather than just stay in the fantasy. But having an imagination like that...(Saturn)...it makes you really intuitive, but not trusting your intuition. So you're gonna have to learn to trust it, 'cause at some point you're not going to be able to rely on the mind because you're supposed to...and it would be like a gut feeling for you...you just know...like something would turn in your stomach, or you'd get a feeling here that would be a yes for something or a no for something, to rely on that, rather than your mind, for how to trust things...And something to do with your mother -- the connection with your mother -- that that needs healing. [laughs] Something, you know.
Both those energies together, I would say that you're pretty creative. And do you get depressed at all, you got depressed?
[AGAPE]: Yeah, sometimes.
[PSYCHIC]: Yeah, 'cause you would know -- sometimes you don't know who you are or what you're about, but you know that through your creativity. And it can be very idealistic, so you need to also make things real by doing some kind of creativity, then you get to see who you are.
Do you know the Enneagram?
[AGAPE]: Somewhat, I don't really...
[PSYCHIC]: I was thinking that you're a 4. [Two months later, using the book, I find out that I actually am a 4.] Let's see what else I get on that. That you have a lot of wisdom, but there's a lot of doubt there too. And so you have to learn to doubt the doubt. That's that critical part that's very idealistic, and has an idea of perfection, and can never reach it. So you think you don't know enough, or... So it is important for you to have, to always have some kind of job, even if it's not perfect, but your creativity can be on the side, or you can earn an income from it, but you have to have that balance with something in the real world as well.
I'm gonna write that down...I think it's spelt... I can't remember how to spell it. It's an odd kind of spelling.
[AGAPE]: Enneagram? E-N-N-E-A-G-R-A-M.
[PSYCHIC]: There you go. My sense is that you're a 4. So you can read about that, and see how you can relate to it. And I really like Riso's book on it...As long as you don't get bogged down by it. And his latest book, Hudson and Riso, goes into the more refined aspects. Facets of Unity was the first book written by, the name is gone [Ichazo?], but they put that into that book, so it makes it a little more in-depth, and you get more out of it. Because you can get bogged down in personality analysis, and you don't want to do that. I mean astrology, or any of these systems are, they show your character, but it's not the essence of who you are. It's essence or spirit uses the personality when you allow that to happen, it uses the best qualities to express what you're here for. So you don't want to get bogged down in positives and negatives of the personality. That just gets you stuck in a loop. So in that system he's got that in there, which I really appreciate.
Yes this shows me that you'd use your mind in your work for sure, but also because you've got that Taurus and that Capricorn -- quite a lot of Earth energy -- that you need to make it real and tangible and physical as well.
What are you thinking of? Like are you in school now?
[AGAPE]: Well, I'm still sort of finishing high school...For my education I'm sort of upgrading right now and doing some courses so I can complete high school.
[PSYCHIC]: Anything that you're drawn towards in particular?
[AGAPE]: Well I think I'd probably be drawn more towards Humanities.
[AGAPE]: Well I'm not really sure, I'm not really 100% sure about career.
[PSYCHIC]: About what?
[AGAPE]: Like about career. What my path is.
[PSYCHIC]: Yeah. Let's see what's going on? I mean you've got a good mind for sure -- intuitive; you know, what pops up is something like architecture, that's a possibility -- in meeting people's needs, or in the community. Getting, you know, the big picture and working with details, that's all really, and your mind, and useful, doing something useful to support the community or society.
So I understand the Humanities as well. Anything in that area, 'cause you are a people-person as well. Probably you're a balance between introvert and extrovert, I would think. Is that what you think?
Do you feel more introverted?
[AGAPE]: I feel more introverted.
[PSYCHIC]: Yeah. You do get along with people, especially if you're communicating things that are of interest to you. So that's why I'm seeing you sort of working in a job where you're doing something on your own, like maybe architecture, or something like that. But you still work with a team of people, but you're in your own section, focused on your own work.
Right now it's a really great time for education, and Jupiter's in Capricorn, and it's moving through over 1, 2, 3, 4 -- 4 of your planets -- no, it's more than that -- 1, 2, 3 -- it's aspecting almost all your planets, Jupiter right now, so it's a really open optimistic year for you. You should feel pretty good.
And Saturn's making positive aspects as well. It's in Virgo, so it's trining to all your Capricorn, Scorpio, Taurus. So there are some little adjustments that you need to make, but basically it's a really good time for discipline. So it's excellent for study -- this year and next -- right up to most of 2009. So whatever you're doing now -- you can actually take on extra, and accomplish it, because there's high energy for discipline, everything's flowing for you in that way. That's excellent.
And Uranus -- that was a few years back, sitting right on your North Node, that must've been disruptive, somewhat. Did you move? Did you just move a few years back?
[AGAPE]: I moved to Victoria in 2007, and I used to live in Edmonton. I'm not sure when that would've been. It must've been around 2004 ([and] or 200)...
[PSYCHIC]: When Uranus was around 4 degrees [Pisces], that was quite a while ago. There would've been disruption from your family, and something that would've bothered you personally, and upset your nervous system. You have a sensitive nervous system, which you realize, that's another reason to exercise as a way to calm down your nervous system, and to feel what's happening in your body when you're upset. To feel the sensation of it, rather than think about how to fix it.
Yeah, I get you're pretty -- do you feel you're telepathic?
[AGAPE]: I'm not sure -- maybe sometimes.
[PSYCHIC]: Yeah, I kind of get that. But it's so common to you. It's almost like you know what I'm gonna say before I say it.
[AGAPE]: Maybe. I've never really -- sometimes I've wondered about it, but I've never, like, really thought I was truly telepathic.
[PSYCHIC]: Well I wouldn't say purely, but it comes and goes, like you're -- you kind of get things very quickly before I even say it. And I'm like that too, so, but because I've always been that way I've never really thought about it. But there's so much around you that doesn't function that way, you kind of distrust it, right? But I really get that -- you're quick, and, but it's more than quick. You pick up on the thought-pattern before it comes in. It's like, 'cause thoughts, this is what it looks like -- it's not really this way -- but it's like a thought comes from the outside in before it registers here, which, it's not really like that because thought's just everywhere, but because we're in the physical by the time we get the neurotransmitters that have us...see by the time we're thinking the thought it's already gone, 'cause there is a time-lapse there. So when the thought's coming, or when it's connecting, before it's even said, we both have it. And if you're aware of that subtle level...see pretty soon, I don't know how soon, but we're not going to need to speak, because it will be way too slow, because we're already doing this [snaps fingers], right?
So, and for you to just feel someone and touch them, you get an imprint, you pick up, so if somebody's telling you one thing and you're touching them, you'll know if it's true or not. And you don't even need to, you just need to touch and, or the other thing is just to use your senses, like when you're listening to somebody it's not just here, you're listening to the whole being, you're seeing, you're feeling, you're hearing, you open up the whole thing. And there's a part of you that does that already, so you just get the information. And you can tell if they're not telling the truth because something is out of alignment. They're saying this, but over here they're giving out this energy, and there's a split. Do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, so you pick up on that. And you know what -- a lot of people do but they're not aware of it. But the more that you pay attention to that, the more tuned in you'll get.
[PSYCHIC]: Which is kind of fun.
But you can't tell people you know that, unless they're willing...
- Here's something I wrote on May 9, 2009:
"i don't want to be effeminate. it's probably one of the worst unconscious nightmares of my life. i hope i don't seem/sound effeminate. it would me devastating for me personally if i'm really effeminate. i think that i would die."
"if i am effeminate, maybe you could help me. because what if i can't be masculine for some reason. maybe that's why i couldn't finish high school, and it's the reason for all my problems. like this truth that has scarred me for life..."
- He replied:
Saturday, May 9, 2009, 1:27 PM
"i have faith in you, [agape]. i think you will be just fine."
- I sent this to him on May 12, 2009:
I don't want to feel like less of a man because I've never been with a woman. If I never want to be with a woman it's my choice. If I only want to be with you, and no other man or woman, the same thing goes i guess. Ultimately I don't want to be a slave to conventional judgments anymore. I've held on to this obsession over effeminacy, gender confusion, misogyny, homophobia, feminism, etc. for the last several years, and i'm tired. That's why I've essentially decided that I don't want to believe in the "social constructs" of masculinity and effeminacy anymore.
Here are some writings from my aunt on the subject:
"I think you are very much building fences against anxiety from cliches, labels ,categories.
Life is more complex and hard to predict or classify. The cure to anxiety is to embrace life's uncertainty and unpredictability.
Do not hang on to pre-defined patterns because life is everchanging and something you classified today may be not valid tomorrow.
You see, for instance such a classification that results in me and [your former 'stepfather' (who was probably Se-ISTj but I didn't know that at the time)] falling into the same group. Isn't it absurd?
Or effeminacy, it is just a point of view at a certain moment in time; it can even have some positive esthetic connotation in certain situations, such a very complex acting in a film, where the actor wants to portray a complex character and emphasizes its feminine part, such as in The Damned by Visconti (starring my favourite Helmut Berger).
Assigning labels and casting into pre-defined moulds or classes is over-simplifying life and a perilous intellectual trap.
It may relieve some fear of the unknown for a short period of time. But in the long run it is not a constructive attitude.
There is nothing fixed, certain, predictable in life."
"Don't worry, you do not look effeminate in the least. You wouldn't if you tried."
"Who fares better in matters of family?
Do you believe having a father would have been the key to your inner balance?
There is no such thing as a biological father.You have a bilogical father, you were not conceived by divine grace...
There is only a father, a man who loves his child, protects him every day, caters to his basic needs, is a role model.
Do you think my children who hrew up with a father are better off than you?
I am referring to [my only son] and [my eldest daughter].A toxic presence of a father can be worse than his absence.
They suffer a lot and their lives are upside down, they cannot find their way despite their capabilities and talents.
[My youngest daughter] is a more balanced and happy person and having been totally ignored by her father does not seem to influence her in a negative way. Whereas [my only son] and [my eldest daughter] were always enmeshed in this futile struggle to win their father's nonexistent love.
This grotesque competition for the crumbs of a toxic attention from his part has made them enemies. They hate each other because their father has chosen [my only son] over [my eldest daughter], but not even [my only son] is sure of the constancy of this choice. Their father's attention is aimed only at destroying the harmony these two had inside. He hates serene people, self confident people, people who laugh and are happy. It is difficult to manipulate and control such people. He wants to break them and rule their lives. He succeeded with [my only son]. [My eldest daughter] withdrew after a bitter fight.
Oh [Agape], if only you knew the pain of this gaping wound I carry.
How this monstruous [ex-husband] has finally managed to pour the acid of his evil over these two happy young people....
I am telling you all these to emphasize my opinion that it was better not to know Lucian [agape's biological father]. He is made of the same material as [my ex-husband].
He does not want to bring happiness in the world, he does not want to warm his fellow human beings. His food is discord, suffering, weakness, distress. They are pathological narcissists, the worst kind, incurable, dangerous, poisonous to humankind."
"We cannot live after we have solved our suffering, pain, after we have healed our wounds. We must live and be creative despite the suffering, wounds, pain.
There is great comfort and strength in doing your duty. Day after day."
"I do not think you will ever solve your inner conflicts, sort out completely the pain you suffered, nobody ever does.
But one learns to live with the memory of the pain and the nightmares and the occasional free falls into the abysmal fear of losing one's mind.
One learns to survive one's wounds.
And also to accept in oneself whatever makes one different.
It is healthy to wear a thin mask, a mask that lets you breathe but still protects you from the cruelty of conventional judgement.
There is strange comfort in this fragile balance between who you are and who others believe or expect you to be.
There is a surge of energizing self-confidence and a feeling of doing the right thing when you manage to keep the two selves in relative harmony.
I hope you will succeed.
It takes too much energy to swim against the current and make a show of it. Believe me."
"I liked the song of Nine Inch Nails
Regarding industrial lanscapes I find them very suggestive of death by robotization, of man turning into a mechanical puppet, anonymous, conventional, lacking individuality, core-less, empty metal shell, etc
Especially industrial landscapes clad in snow and ice, so suggestive of the ultimate de-humanization. Snow is indifferent, white overpowering light, blinding absence of colour and shape and movement,etc"
"I don't know if you ever watched the film Brokeback Mountain? Such a wonderful painful love story between two men, a forbidden love but at least reciprocated.
I watched recently Luchino Visconti's Ludwig, based on the life story of Ludwig of Bavaria, great admirer and patron of Wagner. It stars Helmut Berger, one of the most fascinating actors ever; he was Visconti's great love."
Of course I'm still against anal and promiscuity and heterosexualization, yet I've decided that I can no longer agonize and obsess over effeminacy, sexual orientation, feminism, women, heterosexuality, sexuality, or people in general. So I've recreated myself, and stripped myself of the empty burdens of social constructs and contrived designations. I've looked and seen everything that fucked me up in the past years, and I've seen that's it. I can put it in one word -- "Effeminacy". So I've given it up. The trigger for this epiphany was a nightmare I had with Matthew this morning. I haven't had these kind of nightmares/'night terrors' in a long time. Yet it shook me into realizing what has been hurting me all these years. And now I think it makes sense. I've decided that my path in life probably doesn't include female lovers/wife, or children, or more than one lover. And I guess that's that. No more apologies for who I am.
"I still love you in spite of all my heartless wintriness."
I love you . . .
- Then here's something I wrote when I went a little bit crazy (April 14, 2009):
i hate myself. why does everyone think they're better than me. i hate myself and want to die. what is wrong with me. i'm going to have a sex change . . .
"All this has happened before and will happen again."
[back story: Marcus once said he wanted a sex change (that he's an alleged 'hermaphrodite' and supposedly has 'ovaries') and then Marcus asked me, "Why don't you get a sex change too?". This was a guy I had a crush on circa 2005-2008.]
- Here's how he responded:
Tuesday, April 14, 2009, 3:11 PM
"you really should go see someone yury, and the real question is why do you think everyone thinks they're better than you?
i hope to be home all day today, so you can reach me on facebook if you want to chat."
- some of my crazy responses:
"let's just say i'm tired of everyone's so-called wisdom
why should i conform . . . ."
"i'm the real slim shady
- Here's something he wrote to me (then):
"you do have a long road out of hell . . ."
- I wrote:
"can you forgive me. could you ever love me after everything i've done (to people). could you ever forgive me"
- Something he wrote to me:
Sunday, April 26, 2009, 2:28 AM
"omg [agape] i knew you were telepathic! that was you in my head, lol.
you are so hot right now.
i'm going to have to be extra careful
i see you've been hold back on me."
Last edited by HERO; 07-07-2013 at 04:38 AM.
Kristen Pfaff and Kurt Donald Cobain didn't like the scene anyhow