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Self-description (since you don’t know me):
While I adore navel-gazing, I don’t think I can do myself justice—what I think of myself changes by the hour. The only thing I am at my core is my being, my soul. The parades of feelings and thoughts are little more than a changing (albeit colorful) landscape, mindscape.
I am preoccupied with questions of meaning. Who am I? What am I doing here? How do I give meaning to my life? How do I connect with something higher than myself?—I flip between feeling lost, adrift, and (abovea ll) dead to feeling alive and enraptured, filled with a fire than consumes but does not destroy. In this and many other things, I feel split, polarized.
I wish to be passionate, more than anything, I wish to be Alive.Awake. Present. Real., much of the time I feel like reality is not real. I feel like I am the character in a movie, that we are all characters in a/the movie(s), but I remember that I am acting. Sometimes I get floored when I realize that this is my life, that I am alive and it saddens me. Is this really all there is? Makes me want to slit my wrist in a cold bath and by the grace of whatever God-like figure created me be transported to something, anything greater than this.
I feel that I was meant for great things, or so goes the story I tell myself. I entertain such thoughts and have incorporated them into my personal mythology. I need to be special, significant (because I feel ordinary and insignificant). My greatest fear is to be mediocre. “God let me be anythingbut ordinary!” I have mixed feelings towards people, but I do tend to feel contempt for what I consider simple people. I want to be somebody.
I crave something, almost desperately. Yet I cannot tell you what it is. I feel as if I am a restless and agitated internally, “Nothing is right! Nothing is right! Give it to me!”, but I don’t know what it is or how it could be found.
I am an imaginative person. I’m not particularly creative, I don’t come up new or original things. But I am identified more with myf antasies than with “reality”. I believe in magic, in miracles, that I can create my own reality even as I am not particular self-disciplined in doing this. Alot of the times I think willing something can make it so, I try to communicate telepathically, I feel like my home is somewhere “up there”, in the stars… I am, in a word, strange (a stranger in a strange land).
I am contemptuous of (what I consider) the over-focus and practical worship of the rational mind and the scientific process in western society today. I feel like we need myth, magic, meaning. Our lives are too dull. How can I make my life less dull? Dull, dull, boring, dead.
I am contradictory. I am complex. I am hard to pin down. I am also nebulous and wispy, I don’t feel solid. I try to avoid seeming weak,but I seem incapable of seeming stoic. However, I tend to make a good impression on the initial meeting(s). I am “professional” and seem “driven”,when really I am lazy and driven by unconscious forces.
I am stiff, formal, polite (if terribly aloof) when I meet people. I don’t speak unless it is absolutely necessary and then only enough to conduct business. I would be highly amused if my classmates thought I was a serial killer. I am not terribly shy, but I am awkward. I can read people well, even to an uncanny level (all false modesty aside), but I am unsure how to position myself around people. I am a loner, mostly because I feel little real connection towards people. I find them interesting, but I’m not one of them, you know?
I am both wiser and more childlike than my peers. I am given to introspection and speculation. I like to analyze things. I am riddled with insecuritie sand self-doubts and have an over-inflated ego. I think my downfall will be mylack of self-discipline. i am compassionate and deep. I need msuic to breathe. I wish I were a badass, but really I’m just a bitch. I like to pretend I am a demi-god. I feel like I am on the brink of something, be it madness or greatness or (most terrifying of all) obscurity. I scare myself sometimes.
Anything else you are curious about/think would help to know about, ask.