This is a translation from the "Instructions for Duals" series written by Businda (EII) on the topic of how to get along with, and exploit, the INFjs. I've also translated and included a few of the more insightful posts from the the original discussion thread.
++added: see also Duality observations
"We, INFjs, usually don't write much about ourselves – we are much more interested in other people and their rich inner worlds. Perhaps this is why there hasn't been anything posted yet about our exploitation. And because we get exploited by everyone and anyone who isn't lazy enough, this guide should be comprehensive.
Dear identicals, all that is written here is purely my own opinion, so I ask you to not judge harshly, but to amend and correct my contribution to paint a more accurate picture.
1. Where to find us. This question *is extremely important* for the LSEs on this website. The answer is: purple.
It is said that EIIs are homebodies - but you aren't going to go from home to home knocking door to door in the evening. In reality you can find us anywhere. We are very curious by our nature. Sometimes may follow other, more active TIMs around, frequently choosing to go to new undiscovered places. Don't exclude such options as concerts, various social outlets (Fyodor, here, was frequenting casinos and bars), hiking trips, recreation courses, and, of course, work.
EII may be engaged in almost any type of activity. Sometimes the EII does so reluctantly, while grinding his teeth, since his university major and employment sphere were influenced not only by personal wishes and needs, but also mother-father-grandmother-gradfather-brother-sister-bestfriend-Lena/Slavik who have come up with a career path of urogynecology for him. So the question "where to find us" is not pertinent: we are everywhere. The real question is: when will you notice us?!
2. How to recognize us. EIIs are usually moderate and unobtrusive (that is - when not drunk). But this is among strangers. In familiar company of friends EIIs can do something crazy. Attracting attention is not our thing, as the feelings from this are not quite "dry and comfortable". And, in general, personal beauty should be shown from within!
So the first impression from an EII may be: a kind, somewhat strained face, willingness to listen to others and be emotionally supportive of them - no matter what nonsense they're saying, because they are also people, and need our support and attention.
When an EII is of interest to others, he/she begins to smile and happily converse with them. When we want attention, on the contrary, we seldom smile, due to a measure of shyness. The less frequently a lonely EII smiles – the more he wants to get noticed.
During periods of depression, the EII hangs a sign on his/her forehead "Gone into myself. Will be back late." and may stop responding to external stimuli.
Sometimes EIIs bluff and pretend in order to fit into the ideals that they have created in their imagination. Then they try to appear to be "more capable and assertive, more powerful, smarter, more beautiful" – and due to this they get typed into other types.
3. How to make us like you. EII's heart is open to all people who don't try to poke at his most painful spots. This could be the thoughtlessly unpredictable and slightly immoral IEEs, the bright SEEs with their broad gestures, the active LIEs, the tender IEIs, the peppy ESEs; in short: to all. LSEs initially seem rather dry and edgy. All of their charm is revealed only after prolonged and close contact, therefore, at the beginning stages, there is a need for their unconditional initiative.
4. How to court us. This depends on two things: the intentions of our admirer (and these intentions we usually see from the first minute, so don't try to trick us!) and our personal plans for a given period of time. If the EII is looking for a serious committed relationship, he/she won't be persuaded by someone who is looking for a one time encounter, but only by proof of seriousness and purity of intentions (i.e. talk about unrelated topics, take "friendly" walks, etc. – and then all the rest!). But if the EII has only sex in mind, then you almost won't have to try.
5. How to treat us. Love us – yes, take care of us – yes, well, this goes for everyone, so more specifically:
- Loud praises with falling to our feet are optional. Usually, this is frightening and disturbing. Praises should be given very carefully, preferably only to the point and on suggestive [function] – for diligence, a well selected combination (if you are sure that the choice was made without external input), for successful practical realization of any ideas.
- Love and sympathy expressed not only in general phrases, but also with actions and non-verbally: hugging, kissing, checking, adjusting the collar, etc. Don't forget that extroverted sensing is our evaluational function.
- Dissatisfied expression on your face caused by problems at work, headache, or loss of your favorite sports team in 95% of cases will be taken on our own account and we will feel like we are at fault (if other causes are unknown). LSEs, don't be such conspirators!!
- When we start lecturing and droning in monotone, it can go on for a long time. For some TIMs this is a serious test of their nerves. Stopping the process is quite simple: shift our attention to something else. Better option – kiss us.
- Don't be abrasive. This doesn't refer only to direct "attacks" and obscene language (we known how to curse and swear ourselves just fine), but includes the attempts to elevate oneself through the humiliation of another in whichever form this manifests.
Critical comments about our appearance or character deficiencies and flaws are also perceived very painfully.
Following these recommendations, anyone can find in the EII at least a loyal, affectionate and devoted friend, and at most – the one for whom you will be responsible, because you have tamed him."
Dotchvetra: To add to the discussion on INFj masks, I want to mention the mask of Aglaya Yepanchin from Dostoyevsky's novel "The Idiot". All of you who have read the novel, or at least seen the movie, remembered how she would criticize and jab at the prince in front of everyone, constantly put him in uncomfortable positions, harass him, and in general behave herself rather strangely. Question: Why did Aglaya behave like this? Didn't she love him? Answer: from pathological feeling of shame, which is common to all INFjs, without exception. Her behavior was a form of manifestation of this shame, shame of the sort that heaven forbid others will see her real self – the tenderness, gentleness, meekness, loving heart. As her mother said about her: "to absurdity, she is still shy and bashful ... as a child ... she would climb into the cupboard and sit there for one, two, three hours only to not go see the guests ... she grew so tall, but still acts the same ... ". In childhood, "climbing into cupboard" is understandable, but as an adult you're not going to hide in a "cupboard" which means that a behavioral cupboard is constructed, or, as my friend calls it – "a jacket". This is the "cupboard-jacket": "... a girl who is self-satisfied, spoiled ... the headstrong girl, the impossible girl, the crazy girl!" But, most importantly, spiteful, and evil, evil! If she falls in love, she will berate and scold out loud, abuse and ridicule! I would like to address this strange behavior of a female INFjs in love. After all, when she falls in love, she is most vulnerable, because inside her absolutely everything opens up to her loved one, and the best manifestations of her soul awaken and let themselves be known with excessive force ... And all of this is so shameful! And frightening as well, that she won't be taken seriously, as seriously as she feels all of this occurring inside of her. We, EIIs, have this strange complex – we are not as ashamed to show our base qualities (to the contrary, sometimes we actively display them), but we're ashamed of our best manifestations. Up until now, I cannot explain this paradox to myself ... From here come the "cupboards" of such strange delivery.
Dochvetra: I would like to add a little ...
Don't lie. In anything. If Dostoesvky catches you at the slightest lie, even microscopic – this is the end. Such situation won't be fixed and good trust will be gone. Our feelings directly depend on existence of trust. Thus, if there is no trust, no constancy, no respect – loving feelings won't even originate. And if they do, they will quickly fade ...
Concerning drunk EIIs, this is one way to recognize the type. If in a "tipsy" company there is a person who acts out, says or does something obscene or in excess, something way out there (and they may not even be very drunk) – then this is likely Dostoyevsky. This may happen even in groups of unfamiliar people. I act like this when I want to hide myself. It's a kind of a mask. A reaction to people with whom communication is undesirable or uncomfortable for me, that is, I don't want someone to recognize me and get close to me. I feel safer and more confident when strangers believe in this spectacle and think: "This woman is such a bitch! Wherever you start, she'll throw you off – who'd want to start up anything with her crazy ass?" That is, I behave so lewdly on purpose.
EIIs can keep at distance for a long time, this is true. Some consider this as a defect. I heard such complains from our duals: "too boring, takes three dates to get a kiss." Some of them insist on intimate relationship after the second date. Dear LSEs, don't put us off like this! Treat us with understanding and respect. Such haste and pressuring has become one of the reasons to avoid you (for me, at least) ...
By the way, I know of two EII women who are guaranteed to react poorly to such active pursuit and initiative – it literally makes them nauseous. Maybe it's only my opinion, but women EIIs don't like to be actively pursued during courtship. Yes, the initiative for further contact and development of relations must come from the man, that goes without saying, but without the onslaught of the kind: "I'll show you that I am a real man!" The main thing is to evoke trust. Then we will more easily and quickly close the distance.
Venom: Some time after striking up an acquaintance, EII will be checking the person to determine the level of credibility that he or she deserves. After a while, if he decides that he can close the distance, he will make a smaaaall step forward. Finding no opposition, he will make another one. The main thing at this time is to not put him off. Don't try to grab the EII right away. Otherwise he will distance and watch you from afar. It's best to make a step forward, too, but not too big. Simply demonstrate to him your reciprocating interest. Emboldened, EII will then move forward quicker.
But if EII has decided that you're not a match for him, I'm afraid, you won't be able to do anything about it immediately. I can only advise that for a while you should act in such a way that he stops being wary of you. How to accomplish this is up to you to figure out. EII may also decide that he isn't a good match for you. If he becomes convinced of this, then you will never learn of his feelings. The only way to fix this is to make a small step forward i.e. demonstrate your interest in him. This is all strategy, and tactics you'll have to improvise on yourself.