The perfect relationship

[Azure Flame]

Spending time in socionics and mbti forums starts to make relationships sound formulaic, or like trying to piece together a jigsaw puzzle. Go on a date, if it seems like its gonna be too much work, they're not your "type."

My EII friend, married to an IEE, told me, "Its not about interests, its about similar lifestyles and overall behaviors."

When asked about the key to a successful and happy marriage, Johnny Cash said, "Separate Bathrooms."

An article I once read that "one common trait listed in successful happy marriages was that the center of the brain responsible for anxiety, had almost no activity."

In my experience, no matter how different the partner was, when I give them a chance and tried to like what they liked, I started to eventually appreciate them more for who they were. I think issues arose because the other partner wasn't willing to put as much effort into compromise as I was.

So with that being said, what are your thoughts on the subject?
What sorts of things do you think create "the perfect relationship"?
Are there specific things about duality or enneagram compatilities that make them ideal?

[Aquagraph]

NOW you sounded authentic.

[Aquagraph]

"Perfection" in relationship grows out of myriad number of variables and the best I could do is to list many of them. However, that would seem as simplifying answer as "duality" is.

I don't like to give vague answers but it just seems that we should go out open-minded, ready to get hurt and loved. We will learn what we don't want and through that what we want. The intuition of experience will guide us, although the illusion of love will blind us.

[golden]

No such thing. A normal relationship involves conflict, and having the ability to deal with conflict in a way that does not doom the couple is what makes it work. I suppose the rationale in socionics is that where communication is easiest, conflict is easiest to work with and the opportunities for meaningful connection are greater.

[Aquagraph]

No such thing. A normal relationship involves conflict, and having the ability to deal with conflict in a way that does not doom the couple is what makes it work.

In my view the lack of conflict isn't part of the definition of perfection.

[golden]

In my view the lack of conflict isn't part of the definition of perfection.

I sort of assumed that from your responses and I think I get it. From my pov, even a great relationship can feel so far from perfection that the word itself has become unhelpful to me.

[Azure Flame]

me personally, I don't think there is are varying degrees of love. I think you either are or you aren't. The heightened moments are chemical, the low moments are mental.

To me, I suppose a perfect relationship is about mutual responsibility, and giving without expecting anything in return. Don't get mad at your partner because they forgot it was your birthday. You might be upset, but remind them that it meant something to you. If they love you they'll want to make it up to you.

I think we try to "change" others to our liking, because we are scared that the person won't actually love us or put forth any effort to love us for what we are or enjoy what we enjoy with us.

I personally will listen to the other person's music as much as I can and try to enjoy it. Sometimes... I can't (panic at the disco). At that point I decide if that particular thing is worth the effort or not.

For example, at some point I'd like to buy land and build a house from scratch on that land with whatever income I have, while living in a tent and generally giving myself a good struggle to overcome. I think it would be AWESOME if the girl I was with, joined me in the whole thing. But that won't always happen. But if she came out to be with me for just a little bit and partake in the thing, I'd love her for it just because she tried and I wouldn't expect her to stick around for the whole thing.

[Aquagraph]

I sort of assumed that from your responses and I think I get it. From my pov, even a great relationship can feel so far from perfection that the word itself has become unhelpful to me.

When you're in the heights of all the passion unimaginable, can't you say that it ain't perfect?

I don't want to live in a world without any perfection in any association so I like to think that sometimes there a experiences that I can define perfect. To me, it's a feeling, not an absolute.

[golden]

When you're in the heights of all the passion unimaginable, can't you say that it ain't perfect?

I don't want to live in a world without any perfection in any association so I like to think that sometimes there a experiences that I can define perfect. To me, it's a feeling, not an absolute.

Sure. I hope everyone gets to have the experience of intimacy so mind-boggling they literally want to ask, how is this even possible? The real experience of love is more than I ever dreamed it could be. I guess I just don't put much stock in the concept of perfection? Imperfect seems richer to me. Might just be semantics, might be more.

[Aquagraph]

I guess I just don't put much stock in the concept of perfection? Imperfect seems richer to me. Might just be semantics, might be more.

I know what you mean but I feel like that the perfection lies in imperfection.

[golden]

I know what you mean but I feel like that the perfection lies in imperfection.

OH MY GOD IN HEAVEN, WE AGREE. WE WERE SAYING THE SAME THING ALL ALONG. *Whew.*

[golden]

HI

[GuavaDrunk]

*Look of horror at all these meatbags being social*

*shiver*

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I really hate saying this because it's something that I myself *hate* to hear when other people say it to me but:

The key is self-confidence. Self-confidence, self-confidence, self-confidence. You don't have to go over every emo-ish thing about yourself or other people, nobody cares and it sounds awkward. you just have to like yourself enough to be liked by others.

how do you like yourself? It's hard actually but here is what you have to do:

(1. you can't live in 'the media' (books/anime/video games/the internet) you have to live in the real world

(2. you have to know the cool suave ways that girls like to be manipulated with the 'strong macho jock that lives in the real world' and not the poor compassionate final fantasy gamer that can't get a date. you have to prove you can deal with the sort of 'Real' concerns women are involved with even though we all like to be entertained by media occasionally.

(3. You have to get over yourself enough to live in the PHYSICAL WORLD not YOUR OWN HEAD.

(4. self-confident people won't tear anybody else down but they won't baby and coddle others either. There's no point, everybody learns everything on their own anyway, etc. So when you are self-confident you will try to help others when you can, you will better see somebody's real problems the more you yourself are selfconfident.

5. You won't need an audience. Real self-confident people don't need everybody to agree with them. That's why i don't think Oprah is self-confident *at all*. Narcissists do not really like themselves, etc.

(6. You won't be a victim. When somebody teases you about something you'll be able to 'laugh it off' a girl will find that incredibly sexy and want you around like crazy, you will be able to pick out her desire for you because you're not analyzing everything. You will be able to pinpoint your natural male insight rather than have it be all over the map like what happens when we are insecure.

7. You will still be sensitive, but in ways that feel incredibly deep, meaningful and spiritual rather than things that make you weak. You will be emo in a VERY, VERY, VERY GOOD WAY. Ironically, the more the enneagram 4 fag lives in the real world, the better art they make.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

anyways it's easy to get mad at what im trying to say its not easy to say this and i really loathe when other people tell me this but it's always *true* when you experienced it in real life. I met the man of my dreams (literally) because i got over my emoness but i can't be with him in this lifetime sadly.

the key to everything is self-esteem. End of story.

you can't do anything at all without it,- and when you do have it, everything becomes a piece of cake.

[Korpsy Knievel]

An article I once read that "one common trait listed in successful happy marriages was that the center of the brain responsible for anxiety, had almost no activity."

That kind of vague neuro-nonsense is a good indicator that this little factoid is a harebrained fabrication.

What sorts of things do you think create "the perfect relationship"?

Nothing since it doesn't exist. However, a couple can go far with shared values, cooperation, and good communication.

[InvisibleJim]

When I think of good relationships in general (not necessarily romantic ones) I think of something natural, welcoming, and without possessiveness (they are friends; not objects for your fantasy). When people say "perfect relationship" I think of an idealized goal, like the perfect job or house, full of grandeur but empty of fulfillment and likely to be a source of stress and hopelessness. With out the connotations, I can't think of a "best" relationship, only different usually-temporary kinds. I've always liked the idea of partners moreso than "true love" or any of that schtick.

Finally.

This thread.

[Iris]

The older I get, the more I realize how ridiculous and flawed I am. To be loved by someone in spite of that, and to be able to be forgiven by someone when you have messed up, is the best thing in the world. That is the best kind of relationship you can have. I don't believe there are perfect relationships.

[SyrupDeGem]

The older I get, the more I realize how ridiculous and flawed I am. To be loved by someone in spite of that, and to be able to be forgiven by someone when you have messed up, is the best thing in the world. That is the best kind of relationship you can have. I don't believe there are perfect relationships.

Something quite beautiful about this. Very honest too.



I'm an idealist, i'm attracted to romantic notions in general and i believe in love.


EDIT: I have gone through various phases of idea's of what the best/perfect/most workable relationship may be. I'm not sure it can be explained tangibly ... i think there are trends, we are definitely in a phase where (most of the western) world do not stay with one life partner...this changes things... having choice.

[Creepy-male]

Pretty much a myriad of what other people have said. Yes there is perfection in the imperfection, but to go a bit deeper I think there is actually a reason they call it imperfection. Conflict is just natural and its less about the fact that it arises but more so how it is dealt with, I think love is partially defined by such, when a person has there back to the wall and the only thing they can be is themselves and they try to make it work. In relationships or the self. My problem is a lot of times when people start promoting the imperfection of others and saying "all is right with the universe" and stuff like that, then I look at my life and how disappointed I am about some things. Then I think "well gee if all is right with the universe, then I guess my unhappiness is exactly what the universe demands, oh well...." and that just seems like bullshit. What about will and creation, making things happen and choosing your own path. I understand thinking in terms of "all is right with the universe" in order to alleviate anxiety but when you feel like you don't belong in the universe and people hate you and would cheer at your death, then its a little conflicting. You feel like its a mistake you exist or its a mistake you put up with the same bullshit over and over again, yet you are supposed to believe all is right with the universe and imperfection is perfection. It's not, but to me part of the immense joy in success is what one has to go through to obtain it. If I lived in a world were everything was served to me on a silver platter I would probably hate that as well, become bored and unappreciative of what I have. I instead like the fact that real challenges exist and that you can either fight the good fight and win or die off in some god awful tragedy. This idea of all is right with the world, is more like a virus to me. In movies and fantasy the people meet and live some happy life, in real life you are lucky if such a thing exists, and you may find yourself unfairly dying at the hands of some asshole that did the most injust and merciless act to you, he may even be praised at the time as a badass or hero. Ages pass and then history reverts and now instead of the hero he's the villian and people like him are hunted, and so forth. Everyone builds these systems of morality to say this is fair or that is fair, but the point is life is life. Sometimes life sucks and I think that's part of the ultimate beauty in relationships and love, its like the single force that's working against all this stuff trying to pull people down, people want to merge and connect and harmonize, but its always more difficult and challenging than that and requires will and effort, its a mutual striving to keep the dream alive, and when its alive its good and things seem perfect for a little bit until you wake up to the next thing that tries to destroy it, and sometimes battle are lost and all that remains are memories, and in those situations it matters little what the result is but rather the fact that one merely tried.

Now when people start talking about how perfect their relationship is it makes me want to vomit.

[Absurd]

What sorts of things do you think create "the perfect relationship"?

A glass of cider and a shared laugh.

Are there specific things about duality or enneagram compatilities that make them ideal?

In Big5 a person has to be neurotic in the middle.

[Korpsy Knievel]

There's No Such Thing as Everlasting Love (According to Science)

[mikemex]

The perfect relationship is between two persons who love themselves and also love each other.

Love is not obtained, love is induced and the source of love for others is the love for yourself.

[Skepsis]

-Reciprocity: A healthy relationship will give and take.
-Don't waste anytime being a martyr for another person, but don't dominate people to your will either. Sometimes the imbalance is very easy to discern right off the bat, other times it may take years, but eventually that imbalance will cause the relationship to fail. It doesn't matter if it is a family member, friend, or lover.
-Be honest with expectations but don't go overkill with them. One person cannot possibly fullfill all one's needs.
-Divide your needs among many different types of relationships so as to not overburden one person. It's okay that they don't share all your interests; that's what friends are for.
-LOTS of sex

[InvisibleJim]

DJA, you've got to stop elevating things to unrealistic, undeliverable proportions. If it works then it works, warts and all.

[squark]

There's No Such Thing as Everlasting Love (According to Science)

Bullshit labeled as science annoys me. As do articles with misleading headings. The article says you have to be physically present with another person in order to experience the connection they decided to label as love and then uses brain images taken while people are listening to a recorded story as proof of the phenomena, and later show solitary mediation to increase these feelings. The so-called scientist they interviewed says, "My conception of love," which demonstrates that it's merely one person's conception of love. Opinion. A label given to moments of connection. There are thousands of different opinions on what love is and how people experience it - and none of them can be called science. The studies that focus on people who report feelings of love (not connection, not resonance, not good listening skills) and subsequent brain imaging are far closer to being called a scientific view of the human experience of love - and those do show that it can be a very long-lasting, even lifetime state a person's brain goes into when looking at or thinking about a particular person.

I've no doubt that people experience many moments of resonance with others, and that's cool, and the vagus nerve stuff, and brain mirroring is very interesting, but it doesn't follow from anything said that "There is no such thing as everlasting love" and that statement certainly wasn't shown with science. Anyway, connection with others, and being able to increase your ability to feel connection with others through meditation is very interesting - but has nothing to do with the article's title.

[Korpsy Knievel]

Bullshit labeled as science annoys me. As do articles with misleading headings.

I'm glad somebody read the article.

[Creepy-male]

You know the greeks have three words to explain love, eros and agape and something else. Why only 3, you could make it infinitely complex or infinitely simple.

[ClownsandEntropy]

They also had philia and storge.

[squirreltual]