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Thread: "the Spark"

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    Default "the Spark"

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    I used to want that crackling fire in a relationship. This feeling where you are totally crazy about each other and miss each other all the time and all that. I used to have these all-consuming relationships that were very exciting and fun, but also very distracting. Now I want a relationship that provides calm and stability so I can live an exciting life rather than living for an exciting relationship (if that makes sense). Rather than the spark I want stability, comfort, and security because there are so many things I want to do and I need a home base to do the work that is required to live an exciting life. That is not to say that there can't be a spark, of course, but I need to be able to focus on things outside of the relationship and I need to be able to be away for periods of time without having to spend hours on the phone with my SO every day.
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    A relationship without a spark, isn't that just a boring relationship?

    IDK what it is honestly LOL

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    Kim explained it well. That feeling where you're crazy about that person. There's passion and chemistry. They have that certain something that seemingly fills an empty space within you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kim View Post
    I used to want that crackling fire in a relationship. This feeling where you are totally crazy about each other and miss each other all the time and all that. I used to have these all-consuming relationships that were very exciting and fun, but also very distracting. Now I want a relationship that provides calm and stability so I can live an exciting life rather than living for an exciting relationship (if that makes sense). Rather than the spark I want stability, comfort, and security because there are so many things I want to do and I need a home base to do the work that is required to live an exciting life. That is not to say that there can't be a spark, of course, but I need to be able to focus on things outside of the relationship and I need to be able to be away for periods of time without having to spend hours on the phone with my SO every day.
    Wow, I really like this. Very well put, Kim. It's true that relationships that have that "spark" can kind of consume your life. A big downside to these relationships is that they can often spin out of control and come crashing down in a huge fiery mess. They can be prone to obsession, lost identity, resentment and jealousy. I guess it would be nice to shoot for a comfortable relationship that's not life consuming, which would give you the focus to grow as an individual.
    Last edited by fox; 01-17-2013 at 06:45 AM.
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    Just to chime in, a spark from a vocabulary POV is quite different in order of magnitude from an all-encompassing fire. You can likely have a spark-y relationship without being obsessed, although it will take some skill from the side of one or the other.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim View Post
    I used to want that crackling fire in a relationship. This feeling where you are totally crazy about each other and miss each other all the time and all that. I used to have these all-consuming relationships that were very exciting and fun, but also very distracting. Now I want a relationship that provides calm and stability so I can live an exciting life rather than living for an exciting relationship (if that makes sense). Rather than the spark I want stability, comfort, and security because there are so many things I want to do and I need a home base to do the work that is required to live an exciting life. That is not to say that there can't be a spark, of course, but I need to be able to focus on things outside of the relationship and I need to be able to be away for periods of time without having to spend hours on the phone with my SO every day.
    Ok good because I don't think SLI's are going to be very exciting and I worry I'm never exciting enough. lolz

    But to me, when there's a lack of what you described as 'the spark', it feels extremely boring to me and I start wanting someone else that gives me that excitement. Without a spark it feels like you're just friends, imo. I can't really describe the spark, to me it's being able to completely be yourself/them be themselves and who they are is interesting and who you are is interesting....there's excellent sexual tension. You just click. There's nothing awkward, it's comfortable. It's chemistry and you can't explain chemistry.

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    i think its just another word for infatuation or romantic interest.

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    Delta limpets ITT.

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    Well, of course the spark needs to be there to get involved in the first place. But when you live together for years on end, you are not really bonded by chemistry or a spark, but by common experiences and trust and comfort (that's not to say the spark necessarily goes away entirely, but it's not a defining factor for the relationship, at least not for me).
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim View Post
    Well, of course the spark needs to be there to get involved in the first place. But when you live together for years on end, you are not really bonded by chemistry or a spark, but by common experiences and trust and comfort (that's not to say the spark necessarily goes away entirely, but it's not a defining factor for the relationship, at least not for me).
    Yeah. I guess whenever it gets to that point for me I sort of get restless and think the other person is going to leave me probably because I'm thinking about new relationships that could give me the spark. I think I need to grow up or be


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    i think you need to be a little off-balance or uncomfortable for there to be a spark. challenged in some way that gets your juices flowing. and i think for that reason the "spark" is contradictory to a stable and real relationship. i'd really like to be wrong, but i don't think i am.

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    Quote Originally Posted by dolphin View Post
    Starfall said this and it got me to wondering what it was and what it meant to other people. What does "the spark" in a relationship mean to you? How do you define it?
    Mutual understanding - nothing more, nothing less, I think.

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    Quote Originally Posted by lungs View Post
    i think you need to be a little off-balance or uncomfortable for there to be a spark. challenged in some way that gets your juices flowing. and i think for that reason the "spark" is contradictory to a stable and real relationship. i'd really like to be wrong, but i don't think i am.
    actually now that i'm thinking about it, it reminds me of those relationship articles that talk about doing new things together as a couple to renew the spark.
    "go skydiving with your husband/wife!"

    so maybe that discomfort and challenge can be produced from the outside of the relationship, but i've never experienced that.

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    You go skydiving and have fun then come home and watch tv together and get fat and old. I don't think I'll ever be content with one person.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129 View Post
    You go skydiving and have fun then come home and watch tv together and get fat and old. I don't think I'll ever be content with one person.
    hahaha yeah, this is the image that always runs through my mind when I read stuff like that.

    I think you just learn to appreciate stable companionship more than excitement... or you don't.

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    Here's how I see it right now:

    I have this feeling that something about my partner is impossible to pin down, is always flowing, and in a way I never quite know who he is. He can't be a stock character to me, and I can't rely solely on assumptions, so I rediscover or locate him again, and when I do that it feels new and honest, and that is the spark.

    This is not about someone being purposely mysterious or withholding. It's a subtle thing and took me a long time to notice, and now I am aware of it, I think maybe I am supposed to perceive everything and everyone in this way, but my mind is too rigid and stereotyping, so in general I can't be that open or attuned, but with him I can.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ashton View Post
    The best way I can describe it is to say that, when in the person's presence I'm suddenly able to interact & engage in ways I normally don't with people. Reactions become fluid & naturally spontaneous, and I don't sense that internal friction of trying to force anything. The overall shift is distinct compared to my usual modes of social/personal interaction.
    this happens with me right off the bat with people every once in a blue moon but mostly i associate it with the comfort that comes with talking to somebody on a regular basis over a period of time. its interesting because to me this is more like what i think of when i say "stable." which is a good thing.

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    Quote Originally Posted by dolphin View Post
    Starfall said this and it got me to wondering what it was and what it meant to other people. What does "the spark" in a relationship mean to you? How do you define it?
    I associate it with mutual attraction, chemistry, etc. It's the thing that provokes a reaction in your stomach each time you see, or feel, or even think about the other person. More of a short-term kind of feeling, but one that is intense, consistent, and repetitive. If that makes any sense...
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

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    From a little spark may burst a flame - Dante Alighieri, 'Paridiso' (Divine Comedy).

    Those Christians...

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    Makes me go, mmmm, who is this person?
    "If this to end in fire, then we should all burn together. Watch the flames climb higher into the night."

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129 View Post
    You go skydiving and have fun then come home and watch tv together and get fat and old.
    Old and fat you will regardless get...

    this happens with me right off the bat with people every once in a blue moon but mostly i associate it with the comfort that comes with talking to somebody on a regular basis over a period of time
    Mmhmh. To me if it doesn't happen right off the bat, it is not going to happen later.

    so maybe that discomfort and challenge can be produced from the outside of the relationship, but i've never experienced that.
    Eh, if you have rather differing personalities on a "natural" level, it may be unchangealbly there.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    Gamma stylin' in the chat box.

    woofwoofl Today 08:57 PM
    baaahaha and Elda, never thought about it? I'd be tempted to put my arm around the person and lead them into the shower, and likely segue into sex rawwrr
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    In order for me to feel a "spark"

    - I have to be both physically and sexually attracted
    - I have to admire and respect the person.
    - they have to stimulate my mind.

    I've lost the spark in my current relationship as I feel like I now only have the sexual & physical attraction... The other things have faded. Relationships should never be based on sex and attraction alone... I think it's time to cut him loose. (:
    Quote Originally Posted by jxrtes View Post
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    I once asked my SEI friend how he knew he was ready to get married and he gave an answer I really liked.

    "You just KNOW. We've been together for several years. Everytime I see her I get butterflies, and everytime I'm about to go visit her I get nervous."

    A strange problem I've had in all my past relationships is that I strive for a connection on a friendly level before I ever start to delve into attraction and lust. But some women don't seem to really want to do this. They just want to shoot straight for the physical stuff. Maybe they're scared of the "friend zone" or something, Idunno. I don't really believe in a friend zone.

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    In my experience, the "spark" is typically a fleeting sensation that seems to originate from deep within yourself. Born in spontaneity, under a unique set of circumstances, yet each occurence usually decays at different rates. It requires two people with mutual values meeting at just the right time in their life when they feel the most impulsive. Rarely will it lead to anything long-term, but when it does they are the relationships we remember (and even cherish) the most.

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    Aggressors create the spark in victims, which is why victims all have this pathetic view on relationships like, "oh I just like to make things happen naturally, none of it is within my control, derp".

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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Arendee View Post
    Aggressors create the spark in victims, which is why victims all have this pathetic view on relationships like, "oh I just like to make things happen naturally, none of it is within my control, derp".
    Victims probably love how you think you have the control of the way how things turn out.
    “I tell you, freedom and human rights in America are doomed. The U.S. government will lead the American people in — and the West in general — into an unbearable hell and a choking life. - Osama bin Laden

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Victims probably love how you think you have the control of the way how things turn out.
    I feel like if that were true I'd hear about it more often. I also wouldn't feel like I have frustrated girls banging their fists against the iron door to my lust.

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    lol @Ashton

    Hey I say it like it is. Ya'll can take your jealousy and shove it up your mufflers.

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    @dolphin:

    A spark is a spark.

    Anything that is not total human awkwardness or pure deep hatred, that kind of black hatred that causes cavities. A spark is a ... something. When you communicate with them, you feel something is there.

    It can turn into fire. IT can turn into wild passion. But what happens is usually people will have hot wild sex and then maybe they will crush the innocent baby while having sex. Or they will make a baby in the first place. Now suddenly their lust for each other is balanced by morality and responsibility. Crap. A newborn helpless baby crying for care in the world. Do you dumpster it or try to show it love? You might smother it with too much love then it becomes a mama's boy or you don't show it enough love and then it becomes a heterosexual male (im joking) but I guess my point is that the LIGHT leads you to consider things you just never thought of before.

    Yeah we say that other people just need themselves and their 'own spark' and it's true -- to an extent, but lets face it that's boring. We get BORED if we just constantly look in our narcissistic mirrors at what we usually think of the world. We either need that reflected back to us or we need to interact with people with various vantage points. Why do we even interact in the first place? Why reach out? Because... the spark is calling us.

    You are interested in the person because everything they say to you is essentially a novelty. This is part of why 'women like bad boys.' Women really really hate boredom. Many feminists have talked about this. The deeper part of them wants conflict. The spark ignites a conflict/fire/electricity - it makes you think of things in a way that you normally don't and so that's why there's chemistry. Now if it goes too far in the other direction it's a clash, that weird/creepy 'get away from me feel' - but if somehow if it's a spark that 'draws us in' we are now interested.

    It literally 'rubs together' it separates enough but also comes together enough - to create heat/friction/movement. If it was all separate you'd just be all 'ho-hum' or coldly turned off if it was all together you'd just be all 'oh this is just a friend.' But if you have the right tempo and mixture and do a little bit of both in all the right ways then you feel all tingly inside and want to talk about them until 6 am with your ****** while painting each other's nails and watching Once Upon A Time.

    HItta would say, from his porno slash buddha balanced vantage point, that there's a thin line between love and hate, And maybe there is, for you and your personal 'spark.'

    Interestingly enough, I think with our CLOSE friends - we also have this 'spark' with them - it's different than the romantic stuff sure but it still feels... sparkly with them as when you talk to them you just feel higher/more magical than most.

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    Chemistry and momentum, mainly.
    You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star. - Friedrich Nietzsche.

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