Guides for dual pairs: getting acquainted with an ENTj
This is a translation of a summary on meeting and getting acquainted with ENTjs posted up on Russian forums by Vladimir Mironov, who runs the Dynamic Socionics Center and self-types as LIE (original article).
Note: Since this has been written by LIE-Ni (so/sx 7w6), this guide will be less applicable to LIEs and ESIs of other subtypes.
++added: see also Duality observations
Getting acquainted with an ENTj
Lets divide this process into stages.
First stage: introduction, first meeting.
I apologize in advance that my story will follow certain gender roles; it was unavoidable.
Based on personal observations, I came to the following conclusions. Dreisers, as introverts, like to be drawn into communication and rarely take the initiative themselves. (So most often Jacks (LIEs) looks for Dreisers (ESIs), and the later wait for their “prince on a white horse”). Nevertheless, the more objectivity there is in your application*, the greater the likelihood of striking up an acquaintance. Jack receives information very concretely. I.e. for example, "I only smoke when I am in a bad mood" will not tell him anything and is likely to put him off. Or "Sometimes I smoke and sometimes I don’t smoke," also doesn’t say anything. Either you smoke or not, there is no middle point.
[*This text was posted on a website that also has a dating section, hence the references about writing online dating profiles.]
Putting on all available at your hands makeup is not necessary. It won’t be appreciated. First of all, LIE simply won’t notice it (out of anxiety and weakened sensing). Second, if there are significant differences in how you look with and without makeup, there will be an unpleasant feeling – “I was cheated”. Thankfully, Dreisers usually do not abuse makeup.
The same goes for photos. It is understandable that ten years ago you were better-looking, thinner, etc. But that was ten years ago. Having seen the younger photos, when meeting you in person Jack will estimate what’s going to happen at 50, 60, 70 (add as necessary). And he will do this automatically. Do you really want this?
Half a year correspondence with Jack via chat is unrealistic. If Jack has been corresponding with you for this long, it means he doesn’t have any further plans that involve you. Same applies to email. The moral here is: if you yourself feel any romantic interest, you should start trying to cut the distance yourself.
"How to catch Jack."
There are many hooks for Jacks; I won’t share them all, however.
Inviting Jack to your home, especially if you are alone, will be appreciated. Even if (and most likely) nothing will be said or shown. But the subconscious mindset that “only selected few are allowed into the den” is present in Jack, even more so if you are alone, then it means you trust him. And trust Jacks value and cherish, no matter what is said about them.
If Jack is traveling for a date to an unfamiliar place, it’s better to tell him how many stops he needs to go (at least approximately) i.e. provide some details about the route. A good memory for figures will not fail even if his absent-mindedness prevails and the piece of paper with scribbled address is forgotten at home.
Don’t pay attention to the fact that Jack arrives with muddy shoes. He may have cleaned them especially for you for the first time this quarter, but stepped in a puddle on a road, or perhaps he remembered it up until the last moment, but when he was gathering he was already with you mentally (Jacks live in the future), and became aware of it only upon reaching your place. I can assure you that at this point he will feel very disappointed.
As any intuitive type, Jack loves twilight atmosphere, so dim lights or a pair of candles on the table will be appreciated. In Jack-Dreiser dual pair, it is Jack who has to exercise foresight, so at first meeting such prudence and discernment are bound to impress.
It would be constructive to ask Jack for some help. It wouldn’t hurt to complain a bit how life isn’t easy for you - this refuses to work, that cannot be done, without providing any further guidance for him to help. For example, make him cut a loaf of bread with a dull knife, then comment that you have already gotten used to this. The realization that someone needs help and he can provide it will be valued by Jack. Have you seen the cartoon "Chip'n Dale Rescue Rangers"? It's about us.
Conversation.
For a while I’ve searched for text of A.A., where she describes Dreiser’s dreams about her husband. It turned out to be a classic Jack. Unfortunately, I did not find it, so I will try to depict it in a few words. You should give Jack an opportunity to talk about what is going on around him, or rather let him talk himself out, maybe steer the conversation a little. Then you can relax and enjoy. In socionics terms this is called requesting information via the suggestive function.
The ending of the date is better negotiated as a discussion on when it is best to leave. For example, say that it is better to do it at 22:00 because later the buses come very rarely. Or if you have been strolling around, say that you should be back no later than 10pm, otherwise your family will be worried. With this Jack can be saved from unnecessary awkwardness and uncertainty at the end of the meeting (is it or is it not the time to go? and if it is time to go, I wouldn't want to seem intrusive). In general, regulation of all such these ethical moments you should take onto your shoulders, as well as sensory ones. While Jack will contemplate (to himself) whether it is ok to kiss you or not, you can gently peck him on the cheek and briskly walk back towards your apartment.
The state of uncertainty weighs heavily on Jack. During parting, it is better for you to say something rather than escaping as a ghost in the night. Such that Jack doesn’t once again feel himself a "lone wolf" (and Jacks are often lonely). If Jack hears from you "until the next weekend," this will be enough.
Here it is necessary to give out a "military secret". Jacks don't love themselves. And fear that nobody else will ever love them. I'm ugly, I'm worse than others, I too thin (too fat, too short, too tall, add as needed), how can anyone love someone like this. Therefore, the awareness that someone pays attention to such an ugly duckling (very accurate image) comes as a pleasant surprise.
On second meeting:
Even though Jacks are extroverted and usually restless, sometimes they need rest. More precisely, to take a deep breath before the next plunge. As you may already suspect, this is the time Jacks spend in communication with Dreisers. The problem is that, in my experience, sensing types relax while "dancing", in the literal and figurative sense, but intuitive types relax by sharing ideas. Note the difference. In short, a trip to the museum or the theater, Jack can provide, as well as a club, but he won’t get any rest there. Jack can rest alone and together with Dreiser, and the less people will be around - the better. And, the more unrestrained and unburdened Jack feels, the more wacky of an idea for he will forward for joint pastime. Sensory discomforts will not frazzle him.
How to feed Jack?
Communicating with other Jacks I came to an unambiguous conclusion regarding the food: the simpler the food, the more Jack likes it.
Once I was a witness to how ESE cooked for an LII - a piece of pork was rolled in so many spices that from the meat there remained not a hint. Then I tried it all… eee.. eeh… such amount of spices in the number and volume I have never consumed at the same time. I guess this is cool ... but not for Jacks. Jacks like simple food and thank God this is how Dreisers cook.
And not only Dreisers. A big misconception exists that Jacks can’t even listen to anything that has to do with food. Jacks don’t like to eat and generally regard food with some disdain, and even contempt (a trait that allows to accurately type Jacks, Hamlets have a completely different outlook), but to show off the PoLR/mobilizing function is not a problem for him and to cook some tasty dish for some event or occasion for Jack is doable. And note, that it will all be prepared on the basis of "theory", however, in practice it often turns out pretty good. In short, ask your Jack how he can surprise you, and he will surprise you a good meal and good wine.
To sleep or not to sleep, that is the question? And if you sleep together, then when should you do it?
Jacks are not very brave or forceful in terms of taking the initiative to establish relations when it concerns serious relations. Flirting can be perceived as a turn down, which will immediately entail shifting of attention to another object. Any uncertain move can be interpreted wrongly. Here is an area where Jack doesn't know the answer to the question "what should be done". Unfortunately, gender stereotypes don’t allow the woman to take the initiative, though it should be taken here. Jack can talk away the entire night retelling an interesting story, but he will always wait for the first step of a partner. And it doesn't matter whether this move entails taking his hand or the first kiss. Or rather not even the first step, but a signal that such move is permissible. Even receiving such a "pass", Jacks often will not rapidly initiate sexual relations at that point.
Seeking access to the bed, sometimes stubbornly, Jack tries not to get "access to the body” but rather earn your trust. That is a measure of confidence – “I have been admitted to the inner sanctum. I actually passed, I was really appreciated.” On the other hand, if the girl demonstrates “physical accessibility” too soon, Jack will turn away from her or will use her too much “to the purpose". Generally, if you are Dreiser, whenever you approach the area of white ethics in your relationship, it is necessary for you to make the first move. All initiative is in your hands.
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Originally Posted by siuntal
