A Poem I wrote for my girlfriend

[Gilly]

I don't think I'll ever show it to her, and it's pretty cliched because I haven't been writing, but I kind of liked it for its simplicity, like a pop song, and wanted to share it with someone.

It's called "Sometimes"

So I try to explain that
Just because I’m lying
Doesn’t make me bad.

It’s hard to understand,
Mostly because its so overused
And I don’t particularly expect
You to think this is anything more
But maybe you can consider
It might be me
Putting the perfectly tinted glasses
On your blue vision
Just letting you know
That I can’t be bought by argument
I can’t be swayed by reason
But
You can count on me
And I am imperfect
Those two things seem contradictory
But what really matters anyway
Is not how straight the line is
But where it gets drawn
In any moment
So try to relax
This is just me

I know it’s a little odd and
You maybe feel wrong about it
I know I always do
But you know
We say we trust each other
Maybe just
For science
We should try that out
Let go a little
I think we are both really smart
We both got on ok before
So
It ought to be pretty hard
For us to fuck up together.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Your poem isn't cliche. I liked it a lot. <3 emotional sensitivity.

But you need to use more physical descriptions to describe the emotional experience you want to convey, so more people can objectively relate to your poem. Like in Aimee Mann's 'labrador' she compares her experience as being an empathetic passive female in a BDSM relationship, with being a black lab.

"Cause I'm a labrador... I come back for more"
"And I run when the gun drops the dove again"

See no matter how 'straight man' (to use my own lingo) somebody tries to be those lyrics are naturally cutting because they're describing real concrete things with also how they relate to the emotional experience of being somebody's loyal dog, even when you know how fucked up your Master is, you come back for more... like a labrador.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XA1cX-wgMdM

[Fermi]

Gaaaay

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Straaaaaaight.

[Aquagraph]

I agree with BnD about it not being cliched and maybe about the need for something tangible. Not sure about the latter though, this just sounds somewhat commentary-ish, but maybe I got the metre wrong. The concrete metaphors and euphemisms is usually there when the cliches start though.
"Your eyes are like stars" etc.

[InvisibleJim]

A poem I wrote for my girlfriend:

A poem.

[Gilly]

I agree with BnD about it not being cliched and maybe about the need for something tangible. Not sure about the latter though, this just sounds somewhat commentary-ish, but maybe I got the metre wrong. The concrete metaphors and euphemisms is usually there when the cliches start though.
"Your eyes are like stars" etc.

I never understood that. Stars are so distant.

[Gilly]

Yeah it could definitely use more concrete stuff I guess. I don't feel right going back and editing this now but I will keep that in mind...I do tend to just kind of run away when I write.

[Aquagraph]

Yeah it could definitely use more concrete stuff I guess. I don't feel right going back and editing this now but I will keep that in mind...I do tend to just kind of run away when I write.

Editing a finished poem sounds like.. ..artistic cruelty.

[Gilly]

Editing a finished poem sounds like.. ..artistic cruelty.

Thank you.

To me a poem is a snapshot of how I felt, what was going on inside me at a moment. Editing it can only have panderous motives.

[GuavaDrunk]

Fwiw I've found editing poems right after the initial rush of feeling keeps them from degenerating into endless repetitions of the same things and makes for a sharper effect.

Mind you I don't consider a poem finished just because I've written the feeling out.

[Absurd]

A poem I wrote for my girlfriend:

A poem.

I named my pet pet.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Yeah no need to edit. I was just being critical because it's so easy.

[Gilly]

Yeah no need to edit. I was just being critical because it's so easy.

No it's good, it's true I get kind of vague and abstract when I write, it could be good for me to try to think to include more concrete stuff. It would help mix it up.

[Beautiful sky]

LOL, why did you write it?

[Gilly]

LOL, why did you write it?

Umm, because I felt like it? The hell you loling at?

[Beautiful sky]

Umm, because I felt like it? The hell you loling at?

It's uberly cute and adorable.

[Gilly]

Oh, ok.

Just for future reference it feels really odd to have someone laugh at your artwork without having any context for the reaction. I understand now but at first in my head I was like "wtf is this bitch laughin at"

[Absurd]

Polikujm and me can write a better one. It is going to be called "Socionics."

Write more poems, though, Gilly - as Ashton likes to say, there's a free-market somewhere and there are people who read it.

[woofwoofl]

awwe, I like it; it's kinda shy and hesitant and measured or something? And yeah, just write out what you got on your mind or in your soul and there ain't no way to measure anything against anything because the objective is to express yourself so we all know what you're all about and then we like it and yayy

Hell, gonna post something I wrote a while back, probs has physical descriptions and shit for whoever's n2 that shiz:


Five days, hundred degrees, the droughted grass awaits
I rear the glass lens up, train a circle of light
Into a pinpoint surrounded by shadow
And a fine hair of gray smoke rises
And the grass curls, cracks
And it starts

Yellow-red spikes flicker, curve, and devour
No premeditation, just to devour
To make the world a part of it
And to leave it changed
And to grow
And live

Sirens screamed from the west, closing in on where I was not
If breaking the law causes so much shattering
Then how could I ever say no?

[Animal]

I like its transparency. It feels very honest, and has your personality in it. A lot of poets try really hard to contrive a "voice" in their work. They do all sorts of corny e.e. cummings crap with punctuation, or try too hard to make it unique. They end up just distorting and contorting. This feels very close to life, not dressed up beyond recognition, which is actually a pretty huge feat. One of the most difficult, but more necessary things poets have trouble with, IME, is coming back home. Not hiding behind contrivance, but really just saying what wants to be said -- simply and honestly. I like "But maybe you can consider/ It might be me/ Putting the perfectly tinted glasses/ On your blue vision." <-- That says a lot about this relationship, which seems pretty complex and variegated, in just enough words. If you did want to turn this into a pop song, that would be a lyric that sticks out to me as saying much more than what's there.

I don't know if you wanted any critique or anything, but I'll offer some anyway, lol. It's a little prosaic, I think. I know that's part of the poem's voice -- it's conversational and low-key, which I like. But at a certain point, we lose the heart inside the poem to the conceit. It's like Michelangelo revealing the soul in the marble. One example of where I think you might be able to chip away a tiny bit is by removing the word "so." Especially the first instance at the very beginning. A lot of poems begin with "so." To me it comes across as noncommittal, like the poet is being willfully evasive to the reader or subject -- not quite willing to face it straight on. Sometimes this works and is appropriate (especially with a really painful subject like a betrayal or abuse or something), but often it just weakens the impact. You could even get rid of the whole first line and it would still work, and make for a bit more seamless transition into the next stanza: you're then jumping right into a face-to-face conversation with your girlfriend, instead of beginning on a sort of disclaimer or evading her gaze. "So" is in there four times. Only one of them is really necessary IMO ("So try to relax"). The poem reads much stronger without the other three, at least for me.

Now for my own disclaimer: My critique is based only on my impression of what the poem is trying to say. Obviously, you know better than I do where it wants to go. This might be exactly what you wanted it to look like. From Rilke: "Nothing touches a work of art so little as words of criticism: they always result in more or less fortunate misunderstandings. Things aren't all so tangible and sayable as people would usually have us believe; most experiences are unsayable, they happen in a space that no word has ever entered, and more unsay able than all other things are works of art, those mysterious existences, whose life endures beside our own small, transitory life."

[Scapegrace]

It grosses me out that Gilly writes poems for his girlfriend. haha

Um.. that sounds mean. I'm just "weirded out" by sentimentality.

Wuts the rhyme scheme?

[Creepy-pokeball]

I havent read it for that reason. It'd feel like seeing another man's balls

[Gilly]

It grosses me out that Gilly writes poems for his girlfriend. haha<br />
<br />
Um.. that sounds mean. I'm just &quot;weirded out&quot; by sentimentality.<br />
<br />
Wuts the rhyme scheme?

Well its not really for her, just addressed to her.

[Gilly]

I havent read it for that reason. It'd feel like seeing another man's balls

Maybe this is the difference between us...

I'm surprised though, you're from Oregon, you should be a 90s man...

[Creepy-pokeball]

Maybe this is the difference between us...

I'm surprised though, you're from Oregon, you should be a 90s man...

Ive only lived in Oregon for the last half of my life. Im from South Dakota

[Creepy-pokeball]

FWIW, Portlandia is really, really inaccurate except for like 3-4 small vicitinities in iner Portland. The show is pretty much unwatchable, because it is really demeaning. Also, Portland =/= Oregon.

[Gilly]

FWIW, Portlandia is really, really inaccurate except for like 3-4 small vicitinities in iner Portland. The show is pretty much unwatchable, because it is really demeaning. Also, Portland =/= Oregon.

I have never watched Portlandia. My in-laws are from the area, and my sister lives there with her family, so I have spent a good amount of time there.

[Gilly]

I like its transparency. It feels very honest, and has your personality in it. A lot of poets try really hard to contrive a "voice" in their work. They do all sorts of corny e.e. cummings crap with punctuation, or try too hard to make it unique. They end up just distorting and contorting. This feels very close to life, not dressed up beyond recognition, which is actually a pretty huge feat. One of the most difficult, but more necessary things poets have trouble with, IME, is coming back home. Not hiding behind contrivance, but really just saying what wants to be said -- simply and honestly. I like "But maybe you can consider/ It might be me/ Putting the perfectly tinted glasses/ On your blue vision." <-- That says a lot about this relationship, which seems pretty complex and variegated, in just enough words. If you did want to turn this into a pop song, that would be a lyric that sticks out to me as saying much more than what's there.

I don't know if you wanted any critique or anything, but I'll offer some anyway, lol. It's a little prosaic, I think. I know that's part of the poem's voice -- it's conversational and low-key, which I like. But at a certain point, we lose the heart inside the poem to the conceit. It's like Michelangelo revealing the soul in the marble. One example of where I think you might be able to chip away a tiny bit is by removing the word "so." Especially the first instance at the very beginning. A lot of poems begin with "so." To me it comes across as noncommittal, like the poet is being willfully evasive to the reader or subject -- not quite willing to face it straight on. Sometimes this works and is appropriate (especially with a really painful subject like a betrayal or abuse or something), but often it just weakens the impact. You could even get rid of the whole first line and it would still work, and make for a bit more seamless transition into the next stanza: you're then jumping right into a face-to-face conversation with your girlfriend, instead of beginning on a sort of disclaimer or evading her gaze. "So" is in there four times. Only one of them is really necessary IMO ("So try to relax"). The poem reads much stronger without the other three, at least for me.

Now for my own disclaimer: My critique is based only on my impression of what the poem is trying to say. Obviously, you know better than I do where it wants to go. This might be exactly what you wanted it to look like. From Rilke: "Nothing touches a work of art so little as words of criticism: they always result in more or less fortunate misunderstandings. Things aren't all so tangible and sayable as people would usually have us believe; most experiences are unsayable, they happen in a space that no word has ever entered, and more unsay able than all other things are works of art, those mysterious existences, whose life endures beside our own small, transitory life."

It's stream of consciousness, so yeah it's a tad prosaic, but it's kind of meant to be that way, because that's how I think. It's just a stream of consciousness ejaculation, existing really just to exist. I don't really intend it as a lasting work of art so much as something I did spontaneously and felt the desire to share.

I do appreciate the critique though because it gives me things to mull over for when I get back into my real writing. Writing is my greatest artistic strength and for that reason I make a point to never stop learning about it. Also hearing your thoughts is always enlightening and a pleasure regardless of context

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Gilly man you rock bro.

I think deep down, and you might deny it, but deep down you are actually caring what other people think.

It doesn't matter. You shared your shit, you expressed yourself, you were a Firework or whatever- and that's all that really matters. Holding it in would be true weakness. Like a pressure cooker... the soul/feeling stuff just has to explode.

[Gilly]

Gilly man you rock bro.

I think deep down, and you might deny it, but deep down you are actually caring what other people think.

It doesn't matter. You shared your shit, you expressed yourself, you were a Firework or whatever- and that's all that really matters. Holding it in would be true weakness. Like a pressure cooker... the soul/feeling stuff just has to explode.

I do care a lot about what other people think. I guess I give the opposite vibe? But I do. A whole lot. I've had to learn to kind of cut off that caring intentionally because there have been times when people have walked all over me, but I definitely care what others think.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Yeah... caring what others think can be helpful sometimes but it also gets in the way.

Somebody told me this before (paraphrasing), and it really touched me:

"What is better? Making art for *everybody* to like, or truly being your honest 100% authentic raw self... and having nobody else in the world like it but one other person who needs it the most and it might actually help save their lives because they know someone out there is truly-for-real feeling what they're feeling and isn't being a stuck up cunt about it."

maybe that person is even just the artist himself.

enneagram likes to treat art as this thing where art becomes 100% objective like healthy art is equivalent to everybody relating to every feeling. Maaaaaaybe. But there are too many degrees and nuanced changes in temperature.

[Animal]

My own approach to caring about what other people think of my work is: I set the agenda in terms of what effect I want to convey through the piece, but then use other people's critiques as a sort of "test" ground. If they aren't getting from the poem what I set out to convey, I did something wrong. You need a pretty big sample size to get an accurate impression. Even with a poem that is really effective, some people still won't get it. Also, sometimes you have to ask "I get what you're saying, but what are you telling me?" and not take people's comments literally. That is, their comments might completely miss the point, but that simply means you have to sharpen the point.

[Scapegrace]

Tell your girlfriend that you think you're in "the city of rats" and have her committed.

[Cyrano]

Elephant in the room...It doesn't rhyme.

[Absurd]

Elephant in the room...It doesn't rhyme.

Poems do not rhyme, they're not required to. It's creativity that makes it a poem no matter how crappy it is. Personally, this is my favourite: http://www.love-poems.me.uk/howitt_t..._fly_funny.htm

[Cyrano]

Classic poem Absurd.

Rhyming is important.

Which do you remember..

Roses are red
Violets are blue....

or

Daisies are white
Chrysanthemums are orange....

[Absurd]

It's just a poem that isn't even one, I'm sure there is demand for it somewhere, in bushes of Africa/wildlife and not cultured humans. I'm just repaying Gilly what is worth for, ehhh, his "protection" how silly it sounds. I'm on my own way, after.

[Gilly]

It's just a poem that isn't even one, I'm sure there is demand for it somewhere, in bushes of Africa/wildlife and not cultured humans. I'm just repaying Gilly what is worth for, ehhh, his "protection" how silly it sounds. I'm on my own way, after.

Don't worry, I have no delusions on this one :-p

[Absurd]

Don't worry, I have no delusions on this one :-p

I'm not worrying, so far the only thing I have been worrying about has been close ones and myself.