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Thread: A Poem I wrote for my girlfriend

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    Default A Poem I wrote for my girlfriend

    I don't think I'll ever show it to her, and it's pretty cliched because I haven't been writing, but I kind of liked it for its simplicity, like a pop song, and wanted to share it with someone.

    It's called "Sometimes"

    So I try to explain that
    Just because Iím lying
    Doesnít make me bad.

    Itís hard to understand,
    Mostly because its so overused
    And I donít particularly expect
    You to think this is anything more
    But maybe you can consider
    It might be me
    Putting the perfectly tinted glasses
    On your blue vision
    Just letting you know
    That I canít be bought by argument
    I canít be swayed by reason
    But
    You can count on me
    And I am imperfect
    Those two things seem contradictory
    But what really matters anyway
    Is not how straight the line is
    But where it gets drawn
    In any moment
    So try to relax
    This is just me

    I know itís a little odd and
    You maybe feel wrong about it
    I know I always do
    But you know
    We say we trust each other
    Maybe just
    For science
    We should try that out
    Let go a little
    I think we are both really smart
    We both got on ok before
    So
    It ought to be pretty hard
    For us to fuck up together.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Your poem isn't cliche. I liked it a lot. <3 emotional sensitivity.

    But you need to use more physical descriptions to describe the emotional experience you want to convey, so more people can objectively relate to your poem. Like in Aimee Mann's 'labrador' she compares her experience as being an empathetic passive female in a BDSM relationship, with being a black lab.

    "Cause I'm a labrador... I come back for more"
    "And I run when the gun drops the dove again"

    See no matter how 'straight man' (to use my own lingo) somebody tries to be those lyrics are naturally cutting because they're describing real concrete things with also how they relate to the emotional experience of being somebody's loyal dog, even when you know how fucked up your Master is, you come back for more... like a labrador.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XA1cX-wgMdM

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    Gaaaay
    is like a wet kiss on the cheek and a warm hug by a cute smiling girl.
    is the confetti shots on your birthday party with all your friends.
    is a way to completely rip apart the face of god and stare directly at the naked universe.
    is like over here and then over there and they are all connected and I am on amphetamine.

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    Straaaaaaight.

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    I agree with BnD about it not being cliched and maybe about the need for something tangible. Not sure about the latter though, this just sounds somewhat commentary-ish, but maybe I got the metre wrong. The concrete metaphors and euphemisms is usually there when the cliches start though.
    "Your eyes are like stars" etc.
    ďI tell you, freedom and human rights in America are doomed. The U.S. government will lead the American people in ó and the West in general ó into an unbearable hell and a choking life. - Osama bin Laden

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    A poem I wrote for my girlfriend:

    A poem.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    I agree with BnD about it not being cliched and maybe about the need for something tangible. Not sure about the latter though, this just sounds somewhat commentary-ish, but maybe I got the metre wrong. The concrete metaphors and euphemisms is usually there when the cliches start though.
    "Your eyes are like stars" etc.
    I never understood that. Stars are so distant.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Yeah it could definitely use more concrete stuff I guess. I don't feel right going back and editing this now but I will keep that in mind...I do tend to just kind of run away when I write.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly View Post
    Yeah it could definitely use more concrete stuff I guess. I don't feel right going back and editing this now but I will keep that in mind...I do tend to just kind of run away when I write.
    Editing a finished poem sounds like.. ..artistic cruelty.
    ďI tell you, freedom and human rights in America are doomed. The U.S. government will lead the American people in ó and the West in general ó into an unbearable hell and a choking life. - Osama bin Laden

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Editing a finished poem sounds like.. ..artistic cruelty.
    Thank you.

    To me a poem is a snapshot of how I felt, what was going on inside me at a moment. Editing it can only have panderous motives.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Fwiw I've found editing poems right after the initial rush of feeling keeps them from degenerating into endless repetitions of the same things and makes for a sharper effect.

    Mind you I don't consider a poem finished just because I've written the feeling out.
    Reason is a whore.

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    Quote Originally Posted by InvisibleJim View Post
    A poem I wrote for my girlfriend:

    A poem.
    I named my pet pet.

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    Yeah no need to edit. I was just being critical because it's so easy.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    Yeah no need to edit. I was just being critical because it's so easy.
    No it's good, it's true I get kind of vague and abstract when I write, it could be good for me to try to think to include more concrete stuff. It would help mix it up.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    LOL, why did you write it?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa Darmandzhyan View Post
    LOL, why did you write it?
    Umm, because I felt like it? The hell you loling at?
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly View Post
    Umm, because I felt like it? The hell you loling at?
    It's uberly cute and adorable.

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    Oh, ok.

    Just for future reference it feels really odd to have someone laugh at your artwork without having any context for the reaction. I understand now but at first in my head I was like "wtf is this bitch laughin at"
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Polikujm and me can write a better one. It is going to be called "Socionics."

    Write more poems, though, Gilly - as Ashton likes to say, there's a free-market somewhere and there are people who read it.

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    awwe, I like it; it's kinda shy and hesitant and measured or something? And yeah, just write out what you got on your mind or in your soul and there ain't no way to measure anything against anything because the objective is to express yourself so we all know what you're all about and then we like it and yayy

    Hell, gonna post something I wrote a while back, probs has physical descriptions and shit for whoever's n2 that shiz:


    Five days, hundred degrees, the droughted grass awaits
    I rear the glass lens up, train a circle of light
    Into a pinpoint surrounded by shadow
    And a fine hair of gray smoke rises
    And the grass curls, cracks
    And it starts

    Yellow-red spikes flicker, curve, and devour
    No premeditation, just to devour
    To make the world a part of it
    And to leave it changed
    And to grow
    And live

    Sirens screamed from the west, closing in on where I was not
    If breaking the law causes so much shattering
    Then how could I ever say no?

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    I like its transparency. It feels very honest, and has your personality in it. A lot of poets try really hard to contrive a "voice" in their work. They do all sorts of corny e.e. cummings crap with punctuation, or try too hard to make it unique. They end up just distorting and contorting. This feels very close to life, not dressed up beyond recognition, which is actually a pretty huge feat. One of the most difficult, but more necessary things poets have trouble with, IME, is coming back home. Not hiding behind contrivance, but really just saying what wants to be said -- simply and honestly. I like "But maybe you can consider/ It might be me/ Putting the perfectly tinted glasses/ On your blue vision." <-- That says a lot about this relationship, which seems pretty complex and variegated, in just enough words. If you did want to turn this into a pop song, that would be a lyric that sticks out to me as saying much more than what's there.

    I don't know if you wanted any critique or anything, but I'll offer some anyway, lol. It's a little prosaic, I think. I know that's part of the poem's voice -- it's conversational and low-key, which I like. But at a certain point, we lose the heart inside the poem to the conceit. It's like Michelangelo revealing the soul in the marble. One example of where I think you might be able to chip away a tiny bit is by removing the word "so." Especially the first instance at the very beginning. A lot of poems begin with "so." To me it comes across as noncommittal, like the poet is being willfully evasive to the reader or subject -- not quite willing to face it straight on. Sometimes this works and is appropriate (especially with a really painful subject like a betrayal or abuse or something), but often it just weakens the impact. You could even get rid of the whole first line and it would still work, and make for a bit more seamless transition into the next stanza: you're then jumping right into a face-to-face conversation with your girlfriend, instead of beginning on a sort of disclaimer or evading her gaze. "So" is in there four times. Only one of them is really necessary IMO ("So try to relax"). The poem reads much stronger without the other three, at least for me.

    Now for my own disclaimer: My critique is based only on my impression of what the poem is trying to say. Obviously, you know better than I do where it wants to go. This might be exactly what you wanted it to look like. From Rilke: "Nothing touches a work of art so little as words of criticism: they always result in more or less fortunate misunderstandings. Things aren't all so tangible and sayable as people would usually have us believe; most experiences are unsayable, they happen in a space that no word has ever entered, and more unsay able than all other things are works of art, those mysterious existences, whose life endures beside our own small, transitory life."
    "How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races, the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses? Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love."
    -- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

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    It grosses me out that Gilly writes poems for his girlfriend. haha

    Um.. that sounds mean. I'm just "weirded out" by sentimentality.

    Wuts the rhyme scheme?
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    I havent read it for that reason. It'd feel like seeing another man's balls

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    It grosses me out that Gilly writes poems for his girlfriend. haha<br />
    <br />
    Um.. that sounds mean. I'm just &quot;weirded out&quot; by sentimentality.<br />
    <br />
    Wuts the rhyme scheme?
    Well its not really for her, just addressed to her.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jadae2point0 View Post
    I havent read it for that reason. It'd feel like seeing another man's balls
    Maybe this is the difference between us...

    I'm surprised though, you're from Oregon, you should be a 90s man...
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

  26. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly View Post
    Maybe this is the difference between us...

    I'm surprised though, you're from Oregon, you should be a 90s man...
    Ive only lived in Oregon for the last half of my life. Im from South Dakota

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    FWIW, Portlandia is really, really inaccurate except for like 3-4 small vicitinities in iner Portland. The show is pretty much unwatchable, because it is really demeaning. Also, Portland =/= Oregon.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jadae2point0 View Post
    FWIW, Portlandia is really, really inaccurate except for like 3-4 small vicitinities in iner Portland. The show is pretty much unwatchable, because it is really demeaning. Also, Portland =/= Oregon.
    I have never watched Portlandia. My in-laws are from the area, and my sister lives there with her family, so I have spent a good amount of time there.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Super Baby View Post
    I like its transparency. It feels very honest, and has your personality in it. A lot of poets try really hard to contrive a "voice" in their work. They do all sorts of corny e.e. cummings crap with punctuation, or try too hard to make it unique. They end up just distorting and contorting. This feels very close to life, not dressed up beyond recognition, which is actually a pretty huge feat. One of the most difficult, but more necessary things poets have trouble with, IME, is coming back home. Not hiding behind contrivance, but really just saying what wants to be said -- simply and honestly. I like "But maybe you can consider/ It might be me/ Putting the perfectly tinted glasses/ On your blue vision." <-- That says a lot about this relationship, which seems pretty complex and variegated, in just enough words. If you did want to turn this into a pop song, that would be a lyric that sticks out to me as saying much more than what's there.

    I don't know if you wanted any critique or anything, but I'll offer some anyway, lol. It's a little prosaic, I think. I know that's part of the poem's voice -- it's conversational and low-key, which I like. But at a certain point, we lose the heart inside the poem to the conceit. It's like Michelangelo revealing the soul in the marble. One example of where I think you might be able to chip away a tiny bit is by removing the word "so." Especially the first instance at the very beginning. A lot of poems begin with "so." To me it comes across as noncommittal, like the poet is being willfully evasive to the reader or subject -- not quite willing to face it straight on. Sometimes this works and is appropriate (especially with a really painful subject like a betrayal or abuse or something), but often it just weakens the impact. You could even get rid of the whole first line and it would still work, and make for a bit more seamless transition into the next stanza: you're then jumping right into a face-to-face conversation with your girlfriend, instead of beginning on a sort of disclaimer or evading her gaze. "So" is in there four times. Only one of them is really necessary IMO ("So try to relax"). The poem reads much stronger without the other three, at least for me.

    Now for my own disclaimer: My critique is based only on my impression of what the poem is trying to say. Obviously, you know better than I do where it wants to go. This might be exactly what you wanted it to look like. From Rilke: "Nothing touches a work of art so little as words of criticism: they always result in more or less fortunate misunderstandings. Things aren't all so tangible and sayable as people would usually have us believe; most experiences are unsayable, they happen in a space that no word has ever entered, and more unsay able than all other things are works of art, those mysterious existences, whose life endures beside our own small, transitory life."
    It's stream of consciousness, so yeah it's a tad prosaic, but it's kind of meant to be that way, because that's how I think. It's just a stream of consciousness ejaculation, existing really just to exist. I don't really intend it as a lasting work of art so much as something I did spontaneously and felt the desire to share.

    I do appreciate the critique though because it gives me things to mull over for when I get back into my real writing. Writing is my greatest artistic strength and for that reason I make a point to never stop learning about it. Also hearing your thoughts is always enlightening and a pleasure regardless of context
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Gilly man you rock bro.

    I think deep down, and you might deny it, but deep down you are actually caring what other people think.

    It doesn't matter. You shared your shit, you expressed yourself, you were a Firework or whatever- and that's all that really matters. Holding it in would be true weakness. Like a pressure cooker... the soul/feeling stuff just has to explode.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    Gilly man you rock bro.

    I think deep down, and you might deny it, but deep down you are actually caring what other people think.

    It doesn't matter. You shared your shit, you expressed yourself, you were a Firework or whatever- and that's all that really matters. Holding it in would be true weakness. Like a pressure cooker... the soul/feeling stuff just has to explode.


    I do care a lot about what other people think. I guess I give the opposite vibe? But I do. A whole lot. I've had to learn to kind of cut off that caring intentionally because there have been times when people have walked all over me, but I definitely care what others think.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Yeah... caring what others think can be helpful sometimes but it also gets in the way.

    Somebody told me this before (paraphrasing), and it really touched me:

    "What is better? Making art for *everybody* to like, or truly being your honest 100% authentic raw self... and having nobody else in the world like it but one other person who needs it the most and it might actually help save their lives because they know someone out there is truly-for-real feeling what they're feeling and isn't being a stuck up cunt about it."

    maybe that person is even just the artist himself.

    enneagram likes to treat art as this thing where art becomes 100% objective like healthy art is equivalent to everybody relating to every feeling. Maaaaaaybe. But there are too many degrees and nuanced changes in temperature.

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    My own approach to caring about what other people think of my work is: I set the agenda in terms of what effect I want to convey through the piece, but then use other people's critiques as a sort of "test" ground. If they aren't getting from the poem what I set out to convey, I did something wrong. You need a pretty big sample size to get an accurate impression. Even with a poem that is really effective, some people still won't get it. Also, sometimes you have to ask "I get what you're saying, but what are you telling me?" and not take people's comments literally. That is, their comments might completely miss the point, but that simply means you have to sharpen the point.
    "How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races, the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses? Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love."
    -- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

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    Tell your girlfriend that you think you're in "the city of rats" and have her committed.
    "[Scapegrace,] I don't know how anyone can stand such a sinister and mean individual as you." - Maritsa Darmandzhyan

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  35. #35
    without the nose Cyrano's Avatar
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    Elephant in the room...It doesn't rhyme.
    ISTp
    SLI

    Enneagram 5 with a side of wings.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cyrano View Post
    Elephant in the room...It doesn't rhyme.
    Poems do not rhyme, they're not required to. It's creativity that makes it a poem no matter how crappy it is. Personally, this is my favourite: http://www.love-poems.me.uk/howitt_t..._fly_funny.htm

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    without the nose Cyrano's Avatar
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    Classic poem Absurd.

    Rhyming is important.

    Which do you remember..

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue....

    or

    Daisies are white
    Chrysanthemums are orange....
    ISTp
    SLI

    Enneagram 5 with a side of wings.

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    It's just a poem that isn't even one, I'm sure there is demand for it somewhere, in bushes of Africa/wildlife and not cultured humans. I'm just repaying Gilly what is worth for, ehhh, his "protection" how silly it sounds. I'm on my own way, after.

  39. #39
    Let's fly now Gilly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Absurd View Post
    It's just a poem that isn't even one, I'm sure there is demand for it somewhere, in bushes of Africa/wildlife and not cultured humans. I'm just repaying Gilly what is worth for, ehhh, his "protection" how silly it sounds. I'm on my own way, after.
    Don't worry, I have no delusions on this one :-p
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly View Post
    Don't worry, I have no delusions on this one :-p
    I'm not worrying, so far the only thing I have been worrying about has been close ones and myself.

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