Results 1 to 25 of 25

Thread: SLI and Relational/Emotional Talk

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    TIM
    Si-SLI
    Posts
    76
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default SLI and Relational/Emotional Talk

    Do you guys avoid tend to avoid discussions about relationships/emotions or are you cool with them as long as they are talked about in a businesslike tone?

    I've found recently that I actually enjoy helping people with emotional/relational issues, but only in a practical sense and only if we talk about them in a businesslike fashion, meaning there aren't any heavy emotional displays and we stick to the facts. We just work through the issue like its a problem needing to be solved. And that's not to say that I don't feel empathy or sympathy, I just don't want to bring that stuff out. I prefer to stick to the problem at hand and work towards a solution.

    Any of you guys relate?

  2. #2
    Robot Assassin Pa3s's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Germany
    TIM
    Ne-LII, 5w6
    Posts
    3,648
    Mentioned
    46 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mechman View Post
    I've found recently that I actually enjoy helping people with emotional/relational issues, but only in a practical sense and only if we talk about them in a businesslike fashion, meaning there aren't any heavy emotional displays and we stick to the facts. We just work through the issue like its a problem needing to be solved.
    Yeah, this sounds exactly like I handle it if someone asks me about things related to relationships. I avoid the sentimentality, but it's okay to talk about it in a factual way. That doesn't happen often, but I offered my advice/opinion to someone else a few days ago.
    „Man can do what he wants but he cannot want what he wants.“
    – Arthur Schopenhauer

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    TIM
    Si-SLI
    Posts
    76
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Pa3s View Post
    Yeah, this sounds exactly like I handle it if someone asks me about things related to relationships. I avoid the sentimentality, but it's okay to talk about it in a factual way. That doesn't happen often, but I offered my advice/opinion to someone else a few days ago.
    Y'know, I think for me, it comes down to wanting to help people who have been through crap I've been through myself. Edit: (Moreso than just relational/emotional issues in general, on second thought.) Can you relate to wanting to help people who are dealing with issues you've dealt with in the past?

    Also, how willing are you to help the people you care about, like family, girlfriend, best friends, etc.?

  4. #4
    Robot Assassin Pa3s's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Germany
    TIM
    Ne-LII, 5w6
    Posts
    3,648
    Mentioned
    46 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mechman View Post
    Can you relate to wanting to help people who are dealing with issues you've dealt with in the past?
    If think of the way I generally act, I do tell people about the stuff that was difficult/bothersome to me and how I dealt with it, regardless of the issue discussed. That means I would also stress the difficulties and the possible solutions if I explained how to clean a carburetor or something like that. I don't want other people to make the same mistakes and I'm usually glad I can help them.

    EDIT: There were people who responded "Thanks, dad", implying that I lectured them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mechman View Post
    Also, how willing are you to help the people you care about, like family, girlfriend, best friends, etc.?
    Well, they have priority. I'm more willing to talk about something which seems unpleasant to me (but is important to the other person) with a family member or a close friend than with a random person or acquaintance.
    Last edited by Pa3s; 08-21-2012 at 10:51 AM.
    „Man can do what he wants but he cannot want what he wants.“
    – Arthur Schopenhauer

  5. #5
    Killer of DJA's Fun fen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    TIM
    SEE-Fi 9w1 so/sx
    Posts
    1,148
    Mentioned
    51 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Well, fwiw, I'm averse to people expressing sympathy. I never want sympathy...that doesn't help anything ever. Advice from someone who I think is trustworthy and has experience of some sort calms me and when someone is telling me things like "Oh, I'm SO SORRY about XYZ" I just stand there and hope they have advice to give.
    And I would hide my face in you and you would hide your face in me, and nobody would ever see us any more.


  6. #6

    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    TIM
    Si-SLI
    Posts
    76
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by CILi View Post
    Do you have a sister?
    Nope. Only child.

  7. #7
    without the nose Cyrano's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Columbus, Ohio USA
    Posts
    1,021
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I always drift into trying to solve the problem...never works. Best to leave the emotional healing to the Fps.
    ISTp
    SLI

    Enneagram 5 with a side of wings.

  8. #8
    force my hand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    2,334
    Mentioned
    6 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mechman View Post
    Do you guys avoid tend to avoid discussions about relationships/emotions or are you cool with them as long as they are talked about in a businesslike tone?

    I've found recently that I actually enjoy helping people with emotional/relational issues, but only in a practical sense and only if we talk about them in a businesslike fashion, meaning there aren't any heavy emotional displays and we stick to the facts. We just work through the issue like its a problem needing to be solved. And that's not to say that I don't feel empathy or sympathy, I just don't want to bring that stuff out. I prefer to stick to the problem at hand and work towards a solution.

    Any of you guys relate?
    Yep, I think I do.

    I've learned it can be a problem simply to (try to) solve problems, however. I've achieved far more success by exaggerating Fe and asking leading questions.
    SLI/ISTp -- Te subtype

  9. #9
    fka lungs ashlesha's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    TIM
    Fi/Te 641 sp/sx
    Posts
    12,630
    Mentioned
    635 Post(s)
    Tagged
    3 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by force my hand View Post
    I've learned it can be a problem simply to (try to) solve problems, however. I've achieved far more success by exaggerating Fe and asking leading questions.
    noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

  10. #10
    force my hand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    2,334
    Mentioned
    6 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by lungs View Post
    noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
    Haha, what??
    SLI/ISTp -- Te subtype

  11. #11
    Banned
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    TIM
    LSE
    Posts
    18,006
    Mentioned
    162 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mechman View Post
    Do you guys avoid tend to avoid discussions about relationships/emotions or are you cool with them as long as they are talked about in a businesslike tone?

    I've found recently that I actually enjoy helping people with emotional/relational issues, but only in a practical sense and only if we talk about them in a businesslike fashion, meaning there aren't any heavy emotional displays and we stick to the facts. We just work through the issue like its a problem needing to be solved. And that's not to say that I don't feel empathy or sympathy, I just don't want to bring that stuff out. I prefer to stick to the problem at hand and work towards a solution.

    Any of you guys relate?
    Going to bite.

    Do not talk about them and I'm not really very emotional to begin with, I think. Usually it annoys me when I have to listen to some person I do not know nor have anything in common about "relationships" for it is mostly talk and problems they have brought on themselves in the first place. I mean, it is my time.

    Situation changes knowing it is someone close to me, someone I care about. Sure, I can workout something, then. Oh and I do not offer unsolicited advice, so when you actually have a problem, come out and say it.

  12. #12
    fka lungs ashlesha's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    TIM
    Fi/Te 641 sp/sx
    Posts
    12,630
    Mentioned
    635 Post(s)
    Tagged
    3 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by force my hand View Post
    Haha, what??
    if you can try to help solve a problem it seems like a waste to throw that away. when all i get is "awww"-ness i tend to assume the person just doesn't know anything useful to say, lol. and if the package the sympathy is in is really expressive and emotional i not only have the lack of practical input but on top of that i have the pressure to respond in a reciprocal way which is even worse.

    i don't think anyone wants to have advice shoved down their throat but having some sense of solid ground and something useful to take away from talking about it is what i find most emotionally satisfying about talking with someone about a problem. sticking to the facts is fantastic.

  13. #13
    force my hand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    2,334
    Mentioned
    6 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by lungs View Post
    if you can try to help solve a problem it seems like a waste to throw that away. when all i get is "awww"-ness i tend to assume the person just doesn't know anything useful to say, lol. and if the package the sympathy is in is really expressive and emotional i not only have the lack of practical input but on top of that i have the pressure to respond in a reciprocal way which is even worse.

    i don't think anyone wants to have advice shoved down their throat but having some sense of solid ground and something useful to take away from talking about it is what i find most emotionally satisfying about talking with someone about a problem. sticking to the facts is fantastic.
    Very good points! There's very little in there, if anything, with which I would disagree.

    Perhaps the best approach is to first offer sympathy, and communicate it in such a way that the person feels they've had their 'day in court'. Then, perhaps follow it up with a brass-tacks discussion of the problem, assuming, of course, you're the type of person willing and able to offer a reasonable solution.

    You may not be, but worst case scenario, you will probably end up empathizing to some extent, which is perfect for close(r) relationships.
    SLI/ISTp -- Te subtype

  14. #14
    when you see the booty Galen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    everywhere at once
    Posts
    8,451
    Mentioned
    204 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    One night over dinner I talked with a good ISTp friend about the personal issues he was facing. We went through his issues in a method more rational than not, but not so much that we were both divorced from each other's experiences. He seemed fairly eager to explain his emotional standpoint on the situation, but not so much actively demonstrate his feelings to me. He seemed very honest and forthcoming about himself, so there was no need for him to go "LOOK AT HOW SAD I AM." He did seem to have much more at stake then "just trying to fix a problem;" sure he wasn't maudlin about it, but I could tell that the issue was eating him up. He's not a particularly business-oriented person to begin, much more wanting to look at things positively; perhaps to a detriment, as he seems to have trouble acknowledging that a problem exists, instead just laughing things off. Regardless, he's much more able and wanting to relate to others on a personal level than I think most ISTps are written as being, likely because he's Sx first.

  15. #15
    Robot Assassin Pa3s's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Germany
    TIM
    Ne-LII, 5w6
    Posts
    3,648
    Mentioned
    46 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Galen View Post
    He seemed fairly eager to explain his emotional standpoint on the situation, but not so much actively demonstrate his feelings to me.
    Yeah, the ability to express feelings should not be confused with understanding them. I mean that some people can fully comprehend their feelings and what caused them (sometimes also those of others), but they might still be unable to express them unambiguously and therefore look like they have no idea about their feelings to other people.
    „Man can do what he wants but he cannot want what he wants.“
    – Arthur Schopenhauer

  16. #16
    Banned
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    TIM
    LSE
    Posts
    18,006
    Mentioned
    162 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)

    Default

    Anyhow, aren't you E2, killing machine?

    Disregard that and kill me, but I'm just asking.

  17. #17
    Let's fly now Gilly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    TIM
    3w4 sx/so
    Posts
    24,757
    Mentioned
    91 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Lol compulsive advice giving...I had to learn how to "just listen," when people tell me about their problems I guess some deep part of me assumes they want a solution...which is not always the case...
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

  18. #18
    Park's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Beyond the blue horizon
    TIM
    SLI
    Posts
    13,088
    Mentioned
    164 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I avoid discussions about relationships/emotions with people I don't feel comfortable around. Sappy, overly-emotional people I see as imposing/bothersome and generally try to avoid, or make it clear I'm not going to reciprocate in spontaneous emotion sharing. And while I resent that kind of overt "heart on sleeve" atmosphere, I do have an ever recurring urge to express my feelings, mainly through forms of art and acts of service. There's also the inner desire to be able to open up and confide to someone from time to time, and this is an extremely delicate issue for me as I have trouble trusting people. Solid confidentiality and loyalty are hard to find. And I think I'm way past the stage of idealizing certain people and relying on their support and guidance.


    p.s. Sorry for the self-centered, 1st person perspective; I'm a heavy introvert. Perhaps I should add that I'm cool with listening to people and trying to help, as long as they don't expect me to show sentimentality and are willing to take a serious, down-to-earth approach. But if your idea is to just vent until you pass all of your negative emotions over to me so you can feel better, or you want to manipulate and stir me to act in a certain direction convenient to you, you should seriously fuck off.
    Last edited by Park; 08-25-2012 at 09:54 AM.
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

  19. #19
    jessica129's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    10,122
    Mentioned
    68 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mechman View Post
    Do you guys avoid tend to avoid discussions about relationships/emotions or are you cool with them as long as they are talked about in a businesslike tone?
    If I really care about someone, I thinks it's sort of necessary for me to get out how I feel about them but like you said, it's done in a very business-like, straightforward this-is-how-it-is sort of way and almost always has to be on my terms. If someone pushes me for it and is in my face about it, aw hell no. I get very irritated and defensive.

  20. #20
    Park's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Beyond the blue horizon
    TIM
    SLI
    Posts
    13,088
    Mentioned
    164 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129 View Post
    If someone pushes me for it and is in my face about it, aw hell no. I get very irritated and defensive.
    +1
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

  21. #21
    Seriously Judicious Emotivist Eliza Thomason's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    eastern U.S.
    TIM
    ENFp, IEE
    Posts
    2,520
    Mentioned
    233 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Park View Post
    I avoid discussions about relationships/emotions with people I don't feel comfortable around. Sappy, overly-emotional people I see as imposing/bothersome and generally try to avoid, or make it clear I'm not going to reciprocate in spontaneous emotion sharing. And while I resent that kind of overt "heart on sleeve" atmosphere, I do have an ever recurring urge to express my feelings, mainly through forms of art and acts of service. There's also the inner desire to be able to open up and confide to someone from time to time, and this is an extremely delicate issue for me as I have trouble trusting people. Solid confidentiality and loyalty are hard to find. And I think I'm way past the stage of idealizing certain people and relying on their support and guidance.


    p.s. Sorry for the self-centered, 1st person perspective; I'm a heavy introvert. Perhaps I should add that I'm cool with listening to people and trying to help, as long as they don't expect me to show sentimentality and are willing to take a serious, down-to-earth approach. But if your idea is to just vent until you pass all of your negative emotions over to me so you can feel better, or you want to manipulate and stir me to act in a certain direction convenient to you, you should seriously fuck off.
    This is a very interesting SLI perspective and I appreciate it a lot. The " Sappy, overly-emotional people I see as imposing/bothersome and generally try to avoid, or make it clear I'm not going to reciprocate in spontaneous emotion sharing. And while I resent that kind of overt "heart on sleeve" atmosphere..." - that is particularly helpful to me as I am about to drop a bomb on my SLI and what you said assures me he is probably going to get it. I might post it here on Delta. It helps me to share these things.

  22. #22
    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    EII land
    TIM
    EII INFj
    Posts
    22,740
    Mentioned
    531 Post(s)
    Tagged
    6 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Eliza Thomason View Post
    This is a very interesting SLI perspective and I appreciate it a lot. The " Sappy, overly-emotional people I see as imposing/bothersome and generally try to avoid, or make it clear I'm not going to reciprocate in spontaneous emotion sharing. And while I resent that kind of overt "heart on sleeve" atmosphere..." - that is particularly helpful to me as I am about to drop a bomb on my SLI and what you said assures me he is probably going to get it. I might post it here on Delta. It helps me to share these things.
    What kind of a bomb? LOL
    I'm assuming you're going to go off on him for something or another. Just don't try to hurt them.

  23. #23
    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    EII land
    TIM
    EII INFj
    Posts
    22,740
    Mentioned
    531 Post(s)
    Tagged
    6 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Park View Post
    I avoid discussions about relationships/emotions with people I don't feel comfortable around. Sappy, overly-emotional people I see as imposing/bothersome and generally try to avoid, or make it clear I'm not going to reciprocate in spontaneous emotion sharing. And while I resent that kind of overt "heart on sleeve" atmosphere, I do have an ever recurring urge to express my feelings, mainly through forms of art and acts of service. There's also the inner desire to be able to open up and confide to someone from time to time, and this is an extremely delicate issue for me as I have trouble trusting people. Solid confidentiality and loyalty are hard to find. And I think I'm way past the stage of idealizing certain people and relying on their support and guidance.


    p.s. Sorry for the self-centered, 1st person perspective; I'm a heavy introvert. Perhaps I should add that I'm cool with listening to people and trying to help, as long as they don't expect me to show sentimentality and are willing to take a serious, down-to-earth approach. But if your idea is to just vent until you pass all of your negative emotions over to me so you can feel better, or you want to manipulate and stir me to act in a certain direction convenient to you, you should seriously fuck off.
    This is the reason why my LSE dual cousin and her SLI husband don't get along. She cries and gets sappy and I'm there and I don't avoid these things; I share those emotions with her and comfort her. He can't stand it and just avoids her and walks away. I find that quite unkind. At least he's adult enough to realize and maybe hug her or show some gesture of compassion.

  24. #24
    Seriously Judicious Emotivist Eliza Thomason's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    eastern U.S.
    TIM
    ENFp, IEE
    Posts
    2,520
    Mentioned
    233 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa Darmandzhyan View Post
    What kind of a bomb? LOL
    I'm assuming you're going to go off on him for something or another. Just don't try to hurt them.
    No - I can't think of any time I ever "went off" on anyone. Must have been some time but I cannot recall. Its not my way. It took me awhile but i wrote it in a thread and I look forward to your comment! But I must get to bed. I am getting up early to take my IEE sis-in-law good friend to her college to get comfortable before classes start next week. She is nervous. Yet with this on her mind she took time today to listen and give me helpful feedback. I can tend to be bad about making boundaries; and she is my go-to person when I perceive I need help in that department...

  25. #25
    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    EII land
    TIM
    EII INFj
    Posts
    22,740
    Mentioned
    531 Post(s)
    Tagged
    6 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Eliza Thomason View Post
    No - I can't think of any time I ever "went off" on anyone. Must have been some time but I cannot recall. Its not my way. It took me awhile but i wrote it in a thread and I look forward to your comment! But I must get to bed. I am getting up early to take my IEE sis-in-law good friend to her college to get comfortable before classes start next week. She is nervous. Yet with this on her mind she took time today to listen and give me helpful feedback. I can tend to be bad about making boundaries; and she is my go-to person when I perceive I need help in that department...
    I should have known; we're kinda gentle in that regard.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •