IEIs-INFps and keeping life open-ended

[Animal]

This might just be a personal quirk, lol. Does anyone else fear "locking" themselves into a specific life? Like a specific career, or a specific city, or a specific social class, etc. Perhaps it's just fear of commitment or general anxiety or immaturity or something else, but I get a paralyzing fear when I am on the verge of making a decision that will have long-term effects. I actually found myself feeling really anxious and resentful when I decided on pursuing the career path I have. I feel it's something I could do for two years max, and then have to move on to something else. Even now, I find myself having to tell myself "I'm just laying down a back-up career so that I have something to fall back on support myself with" just to get myself through classes. I feel the need to keep life open-ended, so that I feel like anything can still be possible.

[Slacker]

Hmm well it sounds a bit Ne-ish to me, keeping all possibilities open.

[FDG]

Well I'm LIE and I feel similarly, so I call it NTR.

(edit: more related to city, career, social sphere. I can see myself in a relationship long-term and later with a family)

[willekeurig]

Delta NF here and I can relate, too

[Slacker]

It is probably NTR, or maybe a general intuitive trait, but def. not particular to IEIs.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Think of it like this: Depending on how much money/power/influence you have, you're locked anyway.

A high profile celebrity , cause they are so up there, can move around a lot in life and not be locked. They tend to be the ones that start projects and creates a lot of things etc. So they just travel to new places and get inspired for more new ideas, and then they can implement those ideas. However, the drama/heartbreak of moving around so much like that... you'd have to be willing to deal with the sacrifice. Sinead O'Connor wrote about how lonely touring can be, and fame ain't always what its cracked up to be etc.

I don't think being locked in a situation is particularly bad, because unless you're a genius or born into a really powerful family - or are a high profile influential person in Hollywood that knows how to talk to Jewish people; then you're going to be "locked" even when you escape, and then you might find freedom is overrated if you do figure out how to be so vibrationally gifted that you can move around so often without feeling devoted, so maybe you just need to change your perception of things a little better? Some things need to change, some things need to stay the same - and it depends on what you are talking about.

[redbaron]

I envy the lives of celebrities. To be rich, beautiful and constantly have your ass kissed. What a life.

but look at it this way: not only would you have constant photographers in your face, but you also pretty much would have to question the way everyone treats you, not knowing if they actually like you for you, or if they just want something, to be introduced to someone you know, or a favor, or if they're entranced by the fact that you're famous. YUCK.

[JWC3]

There's always a few prices that you must pay when you sell your soul to the devil.

Bad things happen when the clock strikes twelve...

My God, my god, look not so fierce on me!
Adders and serpents, let me breathe a while!
Ugly hell, gape not! come not, Lucifer!
I'll burn my books!—Ah, Mephistophilis!

[Pookie]

It could possibly have something to do with strong Ni and Te PoLR.

As an IEI, this is how i interpreted this same problem within myself.

[Animal]

Yeah, I thought it might be weak-Te too, but I guess it is NTR and apparently pretty common.

Like @FDG, this definitely applies more to career, social sphere, city, etc. than relationships. I'm not bothered by entering a relationship if I like the person enough. (Sometimes I'll jump in too eagerly into relationships, lol.) But something about those other aspects of life feels a lot more like an assault on my freedom to morph and move through life with as little baggage as possible. I even feel similar about my past as @Ashton. When I'm depressed, I'll often wake up in the morning, and feel like I'm being hit with the realization that I have a past, and that past limits me in certain ways. The hyper-specialization in the working world, though necessary for our now highly complicated society to function now, also feels like a form of imprisonment. This is really apparent in D.C., which is a huge careerist, yuppie town. People are the suits they wear. I'm also going back to school like @Starfall, and in my classes, these people are committing to this field wholeheartedly, and I don't think I could throw myself into it the way they do. It's just something I'm doing for practical reasons, and even then... not something I want to risk identifying myself with.

My ideal life is a really transient one. I wouldn't mind the jet-setting life of a celebrity, tbh. The longer I stay somewhere, the more I feel like ghosts and dead weight are piling up. Like I go home back to my parents' house in the town where I went to high school, and it's just all heaving under the weight of all that happened there -- nothing traumatic or bad or anything, mostly positive experiences. But it's a past I'll never have back, and it's hard to go back and see those familiar places turn into relics. Those memories don't die or turn into souvenirs. They turn into ghosts.

[HandiAce]

No. I want to lock myself IN. IN!! I have a destiny to fulfill which was why I was born into this world and I have to make something of myself. So I must find what strikes the most passion and righteousness of my own existence as possible!

[Animal]

No. I want to lock myself IN. IN!! I have a destiny to fulfill which was why I was born into this world and I have to make something of myself. So I must find what strikes the most passion and righteousness of my own existence as possible!

I used to believe this. I used to believe I was predestined to be a musician or artist, and that that was how I would define my life because that's what I'm really passionate about. But I don't believe in destiny or anything like that anymore. I now feel like I came into existence arbitrarily. And, as far as we can tell, this is the only chance we get at living. And I have so many other things I want to try out and do before I die that I am really careful to keep as many doors open as possible.

[HandiAce]

I used to believe this. I used to believe I was predestined to be a musician or artist, and that that was how I would define my life because that's what I'm really passionate about. But I don't believe in destiny or anything like that anymore. I now feel like I came into existence arbitrarily. And, as far as we can tell, this is the only chance we get at living. And I have so many other things I want to try out and do before I die that I am really careful to keep as many doors open as possible.

Hello, Mr. Fi. Glad to see your mind chilled out more.

[Animal]

Why is that Fi? It doesn't feel more chilled out, though. Quite the opposite, it makes me more angsty than when I thought "Eh... I'll get there someday. It's my destiny."

[HandiAce]

Why is that Fi? It doesn't feel more chilled out, though. Quite the opposite, it makes me more angsty than when I thought "Eh... I'll get there someday. It's my destiny."

I should've separated those two statements. I mixed them up.

You believed once you had a destiny to fulfill and there was something about finding a passion to define your identity. That seems like something somebody valuing Fi would do. On the other hand, you've gone through a stage of maturity where you don't think about locking yourself into something as much which I relate to.

Because I relate to what you replied with, I say "Hello, Mr. Fi. "

[Animal]

I should've separated those two statements. I mixed them up.

You believed once you had a destiny to fulfill and there was something about finding a passion to define your identity. That seems like something somebody valuing Fi would do. On the other hand, you've gone through a stage of maturity where you don't think about locking yourself into something as much which I relate to.

Because I relate to what you replied with, I say "Hello, Mr. Fi. "

Ah k, gotcha. Well, one of the other types besides IEI that I could see for me is IEE, so we may be identicals, who knows, lol.

[glam]

i think i have some idea of what i may want to do in life; school-wise now, and career-wise later. i don't feel tied down or that i will be trapped into anything. i just feel that i have some sense of direction now in which to focus my energies and make progress. i feel better now than i did years ago when i was depressed, and floating through life with no idea where my future was headed.

i don't have a strict plan or structure or anything like that. the ideas in my head are formed enough to give me something to work for, yet vague enough to allow for major changes & the unexpected.

i guess i view it like this: i have chosen a path, a path that will undoubtedly branch out and lead to other paths that i don't know anything about yet. i don't know where these paths may go, but that doesn't really phase me because as i said before, i have no strict plan. i have just chosen a direction and will roll with it. i'm confident that i will not allow myself to get miserably tied down, no matter which way i go.

[Animal]

i think i have some idea of what i may want to do in life; school-wise now, and career-wise later. i don't feel tied down or that i will be trapped into anything. i just feel that i have some sense of direction now in which to focus my energies and make progress. i feel better now than i did years ago when i was depressed, and floating through life with no idea where my future was headed.

i don't have a strict plan or structure or anything like that. the ideas in my head are formed enough to give me something to work for, yet vague enough to allow for major changes & the unexpected.

i guess i view it like this: i have chosen a path, a path that will undoubtedly branch out and lead to other paths that i don't know anything about yet. i don't know where these paths may go, but that doesn't really phase me because as i said before, i have no strict plan. i have just chosen a direction and will roll with it. i'm confident that i will not allow myself to get miserably tied down, no matter which way i go.

You're actually studying a pretty open-ended subject in itself. You can go into a lot of different career paths with it: business, policy, lobbying, public health, etc. It's not specialized or geared to a specific job. I think that's a pretty good place to be.

I guess, for me, this anxiety is built on the need to balance having a decent "day job" with my less practical aspirations, lol. I'm worried the practical career will end up cannibalizing other aspects of my life, which is why I'm having to steer clear of a lot of jobs in the business realm. They ask so much of an emotional and time commitment that would leave nothing in me left for anything else.

[strrrng]

but look at it this way: not only would you have constant photographers in your face, but you also pretty much would have to question the way everyone treats you, not knowing if they actually like you for you, or if they just want something, to be introduced to someone you know, or a favor, or if they're entranced by the fact that you're famous. YUCK.

yeah, it's the perfect excuse to lie to everyone. sounds like a dream. we're all born in shackles anyway. might as well blow coke and be worshipped for it.


yeah I still get really anxious at the thought of a specific lifestyle/career/etc., but find some assurance in building a steady energy field and focusing on the outlets most conducive at the time. if you're gonna complain about how you only have one chance at life, the same logic follows for every one of the moments you idly waste in apprehension. you don't. exist.

that being said I can't say I've been lost and found. college is still as depressingly sterile a prospect as it ever was, but in some sense I feel more drive to move up in the restaurant industry... any artistic endeavor in this world comes down to your aptitude and willingness to pay dues, in the sense starfall mentioned.

[Animal]

yeah, it's the perfect excuse to lie to everyone. sounds like a dream. we're all born in shackles anyway. might as well blow coke and be worshipped for it.


yeah I still get really anxious at the thought of a specific lifestyle/career/etc., but find some assurance in building a steady energy field and focusing on the outlets most conducive at the time. if you're gonna complain about how you only have one chance at life, the same logic follows for every one of the moments you idly waste in apprehension. you don't. exist.

that being said I can't say I've been lost and found. college is still as depressingly sterile a prospect as it ever was, but in some sense I feel more drive to move up in the restaurant industry... any artistic endeavor in this world comes down to your aptitude and willingness to pay dues, in the sense starfall mentioned.

Very good point. It reminds me of something I read in a book on grieving. "Death isn't waiting for us at the end of life. It's walking with us every moment." At my best, I guess I have an attitude of "every decision is the right decision" and whatever results can be used somehow.

[strrrng]

yeah... I guess it's hard to be neutral or just accept it, cause we're used to thinking of it as an abstraction, looming over everything we do. but there's a certain calm in putting that aside, you won't think of death when a powerful piece of music is coursing through you etc. that's kind of what it means to 'be in your moment,' not some sterile eckhart tolle platitude. but eh, it doesn't matter, I just hope I die on a shitload of lsd.

[Gilly]

Fuck that, I wanna be raw when my flame gets snuffed out.

[strrrng]

lol, well it's more like a metaphorical afterglow. I could see sobriety if it was in a situation where it was needed, which could carry more substance. so it's probably boredom.

[glam]

You're actually studying a pretty open-ended subject in itself. You can go into a lot of different career paths with it: business, policy, lobbying, public health, etc. It's not specialized or geared to a specific job. I think that's a pretty good place to be.

yeah, that's probably one reason i chose it. it fits my interests without being too limited in what i might be able to eventually do with it.

I guess, for me, this anxiety is built on the need to balance having a decent "day job" with my less practical aspirations, lol. I'm worried the practical career will end up cannibalizing other aspects of my life, which is why I'm having to steer clear of a lot of jobs in the business realm. They ask so much of an emotional and time commitment that would leave nothing in me left for anything else.

yeah, i can relate. on my part, i'm willing to throw myself into something, as long as i can enjoy it. i am not a workaholic with unlimited energy however. i need sufficient time to take a break & relax, and i start to feel resentful if i am not able to get it. i can work hard when i dedicate myself to something, but i'm not the kind to be busy busy busy all the time.

[Animal]

yeah... I guess it's hard to be neutral or just accept it, cause we're used to thinking of it as an abstraction, looming over everything we do. but there's a certain calm in putting that aside, you won't think of death when a powerful piece of music is coursing through you etc. that's kind of what it means to 'be in your moment,' not some sterile eckhart tolle platitude. but eh, it doesn't matter, I just hope I die on a shitload of lsd.

Yeah, I guess thinking in terms of these huge abstractions probably severs one away from those experiences where you're really in the moment. I mean "career" is as much of an abstraction as the way in which we think of death. As you said, like college (the idea, at least) and Eckhart Tolle (not his actual experience, but the formulaic language he uses to convey it), it's sterile. There's not "juice" in it, like a pallid fascimile of real living.

[Animal]

yeah, that's probably one reason i chose it. it fits my interests without being too limited in what i might be able to eventually do with it.

yeah, i can relate. on my part, i'm willing to throw myself into something, as long as i can enjoy it. i am not a workaholic with unlimited energy however. i need sufficient time to take a break & relax, and i start to feel resentful if i am not able to get it. i can work hard when i dedicate myself to something, but i'm not the kind to be busy busy busy all the time.

Yeah, same. I definitely have experienced that resentment when I've had a job that was too all-consuming. When I worked at a law firm one summer, it basically sucked me dry. I was expected to basically eat, sleep, and breathe this stuff. That was not fun, lol.

[Animal]

Same. Like you, my true passion is in the arts (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc) yet I fear going into that career field because it's simply not secure enough. I want to be able to support a good and comfortable lifestyle in which I can enjoy myself, and I feel as if I won't realistically be able to do that with art. The good thing about the career I have now is that it really allows me the free time and energy to have the ability to branch out with my other talents... which, who knows, maybe I'll set up a gallery one day.

My EII sister (who is not as naturally artistically talented) is working on pursuing an art degree. I value her steady work ethic & ability to follow her objectives through and actually accomplish them, yet I still can't help but question weather or not she's wasting her time. I can't help but feel as if art degrees are useless in this day and age, unless of course you can spare the time & money. So, even though art is my true passion, I would always look to something more piratical first. Unfortunately, life's just not suited for dreamers.

Yep, this is exactly what I'm going through right now. I feel it in my bones when I'm around other artists: "This is home." I wish I could throw caution to the wind and just go for it. Many people do. Most fail, but some make it. But I'm too used to being middle class, lol. And my parents are getting older and I'll need to have something to support them some day. I sometimes wish I were born into poverty so that I wouldn't fear being poor so much. There's a line from Rudyard Kipling's poem "If" that I like: "If you can make one heap of all your winnings, and risk it on one turn of pitch and toss/ And lose, and start again at your beginnings, and never breathe a word about your loss." I so wish I could do that, heh.

It used to be that artists could support themselves with temp jobs or IT jobs. But those have disappeared with this economy. With more than half of college grads unemployed... yeah, being practical is going to win out.

[glam]

ahh i see, i am not an artist, so i don't have the problem that Auvi and Starfall do. i like to write though, and i do use it as a creative outlet. it's something i do in my free time though; i don't expect to try and make a career out of it.

[Beautiful sky]

Same. Like you, my true passion is in the arts (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc) yet I fear going into that career field because it's simply not secure enough. I want to be able to support a good and comfortable lifestyle in which I can enjoy myself, and I feel as if I won't realistically be able to do that with art. The good thing about the career I have now is that it really allows me the free time and energy to have the ability to branch out with my other talents... which, who knows, maybe I'll set up a gallery one day.

My EII sister (who is not as naturally artistically talented) is working on pursuing an art degree. I value her steady work ethic & ability to follow her objectives through and actually accomplish them, yet I still can't help but question weather or not she's wasting her time. I can't help but feel as if art degrees are useless in this day and age, unless of course you can spare the time & money. So, even though art is my true passion, I would always look to something more piratical first. Unfortunately, life's just not suited for dreamers.

It's a struggle, but that you know that you're good at what you do keeps you going; a society without arts is dead.

[Gilly]

but look at it this way: not only would you have constant photographers in your face, but you also pretty much would have to question the way everyone treats you, not knowing if they actually like you for you, or if they just want something, to be introduced to someone you know, or a favor, or if they're entranced by the fact that you're famous. YUCK.

Qft

[Dino Saur]

sounds very much like me...

[redbaron]

I think what I would like, is to be *secretly* rich. Such that people really had NO IDEA how much money I had. I wouldn't flaunt it, I'd live much lower than I could, but I'd be totally secure such that I could pursue any dream I wanted, take off on a whim if I needed a break, buy the occasional high end things (but not too much of that), simple but well-made furnishings, and be able to help people out when they were in distress, anonymously.

[Animal]

I identify so much with what you guys wrote (particularly Baby, glam and Starfall) - it's comforting to know that a lot of IEIs feel that way and presumably travelled the same path, and (presumably again) didn't starve to death at the end

I'm thinking of becoming an osteopath or a physio now, if only that meant an apprenticeship instead of X more years of college

No, I didn't starve. Although, it's still hard going. Yeah, I know what you mean about more school. I'm completely burnt out on school. I'm seriously considering dropping the whole thing, and just trying to hack it in corporate simply because I am so sick of sitting in classrooms.

I don't know if this is part of it, but I'm paralysed by too much choice. I hate being at a crossroads.

That sounds like me as well. I feel much better after the decision has been made and it's out of my hands.

Ugh, yeah. I had that same morose nagging in the back of my mind about how I should try to be normal/responsible and go to college or some shit… though I simultaneously shirked practicality because it felt too stultifying and I didn't want to get locked into anything. So as you might imagine, indecision invariably prevailed.

I feel like I should've pursued something more adventurous while I had the chance (for me that would've been acting or the military). Unfortunately of course the economy tanked, sucking most of the ambient possibility out of the air and leaving a stagnant opportunity vacuum. Which is an entirely shittier paradox, because now you feel like you've got even less to lose yet you're deprived the ability to act on this since there's even fewer risks available to do so.

Man, this is exactly how I feel! I regret not using my youth to my advantage when I had it. From 2005-2007, that ambient sense of possibility was intoxicating. I remember having all these ideas about what I wanted to try and do. But the recession hit around my sophomore year of college, and basically everyone -- including my parents and professors -- started on this demoralizing, dispiriting bullshit. "The worst recession in recent memory"/"I worry about your generation"/"Now is not the time to take risks. Do you want to end up on the streets?" and shit. I can definitely understand their fears, but I mean, ... I HATE that this period of early adulthood, that's supposed to be about exploration and experimentation, has been so dominated by fear and cravenness. And I totally get that paradox: people say it all the time. There's tons of opportunity when the economy is in the shitter. But it's like I've been bred to be as risk-averse as possible, and I hate that.

Pretty much. I started sensing that trend in a big way last fall and opted to go into EMS—figured it's practical with broad employment diversity and good job prospects. I'll be done with the Paramedic program in about a year from now, so the time investment isn't bad either. I was tepid about it when I 1st started since I wasn't really sure why I was there beyond "omg must do something practical." It wasn't until after doing field clinicals with actual ambulance crews, etc. when I found out I quite liked it and that it induces states of mind I enjoy. No idea how long I plan on doing it; not sure how one reasonably "plans" something like that anyway, at least not without giving themselves undue anguish. I prefer to just see what happens.

That actually sounds pretty sweet. Even if you don't want to do it forever, the time investment isn't so huge that you'd feel obligated to break even by putting in years and years. I'm still kind of iffy on my path, which involves another two and a half years of school... in a subject I'm not all that enthusiastic about. Meh... things kind of suck right now, lol, The only thing that keeps me sane is redoubling my dedication to non-career-related stuff: my music, reading about other random subjects, social life, even working out.

[Ningyo]

This might just be a personal quirk, lol. Does anyone else fear "locking" themselves into a specific life? Like a specific career, or a specific city, or a specific social class, etc. Perhaps it's just fear of commitment or general anxiety or immaturity or something else, but I get a paralyzing fear when I am on the verge of making a decision that will have long-term effects. I actually found myself feeling really anxious and resentful when I decided on pursuing the career path I have. I feel it's something I could do for two years max, and then have to move on to something else. Even now, I find myself having to tell myself "I'm just laying down a back-up career so that I have something to fall back on support myself with" just to get myself through classes. I feel the need to keep life open-ended, so that I feel like anything can still be possible.

OMG yes I know exactly what you're talking about... And it's something a get a lot of crap about from my SLI and ILI friends. :/ Especially if it interferes with me doing what they think is "important in life." Even the ESEs and LSEs I know don't really get this about me... When I try to explain this shit to Je-doms it's like they think I'm retarded.

I left my "awesome" (totally not awesome, was starving and on the verge of getting kicked out on the streets or so it felt) life to move back across the country into my family's slightly dysfunctional home, and even though they give me headaches daily simply knowing that I'm not "enslaved by the machine" is SO AWESOME.

I'm also sort of... afraid to finish college. Meh.

Eta: I sometimes (often) have this fantasy about becoming really badass at something (idk) and living my life with purpose but... I just can't see that happening, considering my commitment issues. My delta/alpha friends who are actually DOING shit rather than waiting with bated breath for the right time/mood/opportunity to strike are accomplishing SO MUCH more than me even though we're the same age.

[Animal]

OMG yes I know exactly what you're talking about... And it's something a get a lot of crap about from my SLI and ILI friends. :/ Especially if it interferes with me doing what they think is "important in life." Even the ESEs and LSEs I know don't really get this about me... When I try to explain this shit to Je-doms it's like they think I'm retarded.

I left my "awesome" (totally not awesome, was starving and on the verge of getting kicked out on the streets or so it felt) life to move back across the country into my family's slightly dysfunctional home, and even though they give me headaches daily simply knowing that I'm not "enslaved by the machine" is SO AWESOME.

I'm also sort of... afraid to finish college. Meh.

Eta: I sometimes (often) have this fantasy about becoming really badass at something (idk) and living my life with purpose but... I just can't see that happening, considering my commitment issues. My delta/alpha friends who are actually DOING shit rather than waiting with bated breath for the right time/mood/opportunity to strike are accomplishing SO MUCH more than me even though we're the same age.

Hi Ningyo! Welcome to the forum. I identify a lot with this post. The thing that helps me get going is to remember that I can always change paths. Life is not a straight line. It's more like barreling down the freeway with no map. This noncommittal attitude gets me a lot of flack from more careerist folks in my life (coughRationalscough), but I seriously just can't see myself doing anything for more than a few years at a time and having it end up consuming my identity. Well, except for music. I'd love to dissolve into being a musician. But I also need an income stream because being an artist isn't cheap. I know how you feel about being afraid to finish college, lol. I was petrified when the jig was up. I'm heading back to school again now, though. It feels more like shackles than anything else. But it's not a death sentence. I have to keep reminding myself that nothing is a death sentence, lol.

[FDG]

Hey hey, it's not like when you finish college anything changes, if anything life becomes even more "free-form", especially given how this shitty economy has basically erased any availability of "single track" jobs that pay decently.

[Ningyo]

Hi Ningyo! Welcome to the forum. I identify a lot with this post. The thing that helps me get going is to remember that I can always change paths. Life is not a straight line. It's more like barreling down the freeway with no map. This noncommittal attitude gets me a lot of flack from more careerist folks in my life (coughRationalscough), but I seriously just can't see myself doing anything for more than a few years at a time and having it end up consuming my identity. Well, except for music. I'd love to dissolve into being a musician. But I also need an income stream because being an artist isn't cheap. I know how you feel about being afraid to finish college, lol. I was petrified when the jig was up. I'm heading back to school again now, though. It feels more like shackles than anything else. But it's not a death sentence. I have to keep reminding myself that nothing is a death sentence, lol.

Thank you! And yeah, I share the same philosophies but I'm also a teensy bit paranoid. For instance, I know an EIE who was forced to drop out after she was in a car accident, had to finish at culinary school and now has an obscene amount of debt to pay off, and I can't help but think, "What if something like that happens to me?"

My last job was working in an office for another IEI but past the perks of identity, we really didn't get along. She was so bitter from hating her job so much that it was making her sick. Spent almost fifteen years at the same office for the job security. That just seems like a death sentence. By the end she was calling her husband everyday, begging him to come visit her at work "so she wouldn't kill herself" and just.. ugh. Can't help but use situations like that as an incentive to keep my options open.

I was recently offered a promotion and I turned it down, because I'm finally realizing that it pays EMOTIONALLY to have much more freedom and a little less cash.

[Animal]

Hey hey, it's not like when you finish college anything changes, if anything life becomes even more "free-form", especially given how this shitty economy has basically erased any availability of "single track" jobs that pay decently.

Yeah, this is very much true. I read somewhere that most people change careers five times in their lifetime. This number will probably go up in the next few decades.

Thank you! And yeah, I share the same philosophies but I'm also a teensy bit paranoid. For instance, I know an EIE who was forced to drop out after she was in a car accident, had to finish at culinary school and now has an obscene amount of debt to pay off, and I can't help but think, "What if something like that happens to me?"

My last job was working in an office for another IEI but past the perks of identity, we really didn't get along. She was so bitter from hating her job so much that it was making her sick. Spent almost fifteen years at the same office for the job security. That just seems like a death sentence. By the end she was calling her husband everyday, begging him to come visit her at work "so she wouldn't kill herself" and just.. ugh. Can't help but use situations like that as an incentive to keep my options open.

I was recently offered a promotion and I turned it down, because I'm finally realizing that it pays EMOTIONALLY to have much more freedom and a little less cash.

Yeah, I know that paranoia well, lol. At some point, the pressure inside the crucible of trepidation and anxiety builds up to such and extent that you finally break through and think: "Fuck it. Fuck it all. It's my life. Might as well do what I want." This has happened to me several times, and those have been the times when I've been the happiest. Living life tentatively can be comforting, but it gets boring and unsatisfying. You're free from the soul-crushing pressures of the workaday realities that consume the lives of so many people these days, but at the same time... it's living at the peripheries. You lose your "center" and lose a sense of who you are if you're not careful. Too long playing it safe, and you don't know what you're made of anymore. At the same time, I know the sort of bitter IEI you're past boss seems to be, and it's really depressing to see. My approach is similar to yours -- don't get bogged down by chasing money: live a Spartan existence and be as self-sufficient as possible. Need nothing but the bare essentials, and treat everything else as a gift. That prevents you from taking anything for granted, and allows for maximum freedom.

[Ningyo]

Yeah, this is very much true. I read somewhere that most people change careers five times in their lifetime. This number will probably go up in the next few decades.


Yeah, I know that paranoia well, lol. At some point, the pressure inside the crucible of trepidation and anxiety builds up to such and extent that you finally break through and think: "Fuck it. Fuck it all. It's my life. Might as well do what I want." This has happened to me several times, and those have been the times when I've been the happiest. Living life tentatively can be comforting, but it gets boring and unsatisfying. You're free from the soul-crushing pressures of the workaday realities that consume the lives of so many people these days, but at the same time... it's living at the peripheries. You lose your "center" and lose a sense of who you are if you're not careful. Too long playing it safe, and you don't know what you're made of anymore. At the same time, I know the sort of bitter IEI you're past boss seems to be, and it's really depressing to see. My approach is similar to yours -- don't get bogged down by chasing money: live a Spartan existence and be as self-sufficient as possible. Need nothing but the bare essentials, and treat everything else as a gift. That prevents you from taking anything for granted, and allows for maximum freedom.

Exactly. This is so very true and relatable. <3 Gotta take care of your own happiness and sanity! Or else what do we have?

[betterthan]

I think this sums up what I think. If you don't make solid positive choices you believe in then you miss out...though i'm probably just dualised

But actually I think it's my mentality on being bent on mastering my life so that it fulfills. In the last year or so I've been determined to force my life into directions that will manifest what I most want and developing the skill of a strong, joyful mind that fosters good self-esteem. Maybe fear of decision is about not having a strong enough sense of what you want? Because when you are sure of what you want you can go after it, hard, there's no fear in that.

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet. –Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar