Chapter 1: Heterosexuals In Heaven
A real honest-to-god Angel with beautiful white wings sat around a large table and spoke calmly to all the other angels, with self-confidence and sophistication in his voice: "It's not like we're saying homosexuality is bad. It's just clearly not as good as heterosexuality" the angel said. "The homosexual person has many wonderful qualities but they just do not belong in heaven."
A female angel nodded while squinting her eyes in a sanctimonious way. "There is such a divine and special light from inserting a penis into a vagina. It creates life.. the homosexual itself even."
Another angel pointed to a translucent blue sphere ornamented with gold decorations that was placed on the middle of the table. It was a special artifact that enabled the angels to observe everything that was going on in the lower realms. "Look at them, fighting and holding up signs and going on gay activism rants and getting seriously angry" a happy heterosexual elder male angel said while guffawing. "As if things actually mattered. Here in heaven it's so calm and peaceful and wonderful. Ahhh."
"You don't combat anger and hate with more anger and hate. You just let it go and laugh it off and ascend to this glorious and wonderful place!" a middle-aged female angel said, who sounded awfully like Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian.
"It's so nice to be up here looking down at everybody else while they do all the hard work. But that's why we're angels and they're not" Suzy retorted, a delightfully cute 5-year-old heterosexual angel with black pigtails. Her face looked like one of those 1950 doll faces that you instinctively wanted to break when you were 5 years old.
"They try to give aspects of nobility and dignity to homosexuality and we of course get the point and it sure is cute but come on. A man's ass is instinctively dirtier than a woman's vagina!" said Bryton, a straight 16-year-old teenage male angel. "That's the way the Grand Design works."
"And another thing, they act as if we have a problem with homosexuality. Of course not! Why would we have a problem with anything. We're angels! We just understand the adolescentile silliness of it. They villainize us but they are only projecting."
"And how can two lesbians even fuck each other anyway?" another teenage male angel said to his buddies.
"It *is* horribly sad when they are beaten, made fun of and killed. And we do feel true empathy for them (Hey, we're angels after all) but come on. Them eating up here? With us? At the SAME table?" Katie said, an overweight heterosexual female angel. God loves fat people too. He is so compassionate.
Every angel laughed in unison at such a preposterous suggestion.
"I have an idea. One that is very compassionate and noble and benevolent" the Head Elder said. His name was Alan.
"To prove to them once and for all that we're not the bad guys here, we will give two homosexual people real super powers. One gay man and one lesbian. So they can feel better about themselves and fight off demons like they do in their silly little stories" he said in a condescending British accent.
"Those homosexuals are awfully good storytellers!" the Betty Bowers-ish angel said.
"But only two" Alan corrected. "It will be these two people's responsibilities to make sure that they use their powers to empower other homosexuals. Or they could use them for narcissistic and self-absorbed reasons, turning into the very thing they were chosen to fight. Whatever. They have their God-given free will."
"Oh god I love being an angel. So high and mighty and giving and benevolent, in our safely protected realm that no demon could ever attack..."
"Don't be naive Crystal" Alan said. She was one of the newer angels who didn't have the experience and wisdom of her elders. "You should know by now that we sometimes really do get demon attacks... but we fight them off as easily as those Charmed girls do."
"Now come, let us all hold hands and pray and give two very deserving young people REAL super powers." The angels all held hands and prayed. And just like that *snaps fingers*... Sam and Wookie's powers were activated.
"I'm so giving and loving!" an angel said like Esther Hicks did when she complimented herself in the Law of Attraction seminars. Or Oprah with her new 'Lifeclass' series.
After casting the spell, the angels went back to ignoring homosexuality and going on and on and on and about how wonderful and marvelous and spectacular they were.