Diablo IV: Sam and Wookie Style

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 1: Heterosexuals In Heaven

A real honest-to-god Angel with beautiful white wings sat around a large table and spoke calmly to all the other angels, with self-confidence and sophistication in his voice: "It's not like we're saying homosexuality is bad. It's just clearly not as good as heterosexuality" the angel said. "The homosexual person has many wonderful qualities but they just do not belong in heaven."

A female angel nodded while squinting her eyes in a sanctimonious way. "There is such a divine and special light from inserting a penis into a vagina. It creates life.. the homosexual itself even."

Another angel pointed to a translucent blue sphere ornamented with gold decorations that was placed on the middle of the table. It was a special artifact that enabled the angels to observe everything that was going on in the lower realms. "Look at them, fighting and holding up signs and going on gay activism rants and getting seriously angry" a happy heterosexual elder male angel said while guffawing. "As if things actually mattered. Here in heaven it's so calm and peaceful and wonderful. Ahhh."

"You don't combat anger and hate with more anger and hate. You just let it go and laugh it off and ascend to this glorious and wonderful place!" a middle-aged female angel said, who sounded awfully like Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian.

"It's so nice to be up here looking down at everybody else while they do all the hard work. But that's why we're angels and they're not" Suzy retorted, a delightfully cute 5-year-old heterosexual angel with black pigtails. Her face looked like one of those 1950 doll faces that you instinctively wanted to break when you were 5 years old.

"They try to give aspects of nobility and dignity to homosexuality and we of course get the point and it sure is cute but come on. A man's ass is instinctively dirtier than a woman's vagina!" said Bryton, a straight 16-year-old teenage male angel. "That's the way the Grand Design works."

"And another thing, they act as if we have a problem with homosexuality. Of course not! Why would we have a problem with anything. We're angels! We just understand the adolescentile silliness of it. They villainize us but they are only projecting."

"And how can two lesbians even fuck each other anyway?" another teenage male angel said to his buddies.

"It *is* horribly sad when they are beaten, made fun of and killed. And we do feel true empathy for them (Hey, we're angels after all) but come on. Them eating up here? With us? At the SAME table?" Katie said, an overweight heterosexual female angel. God loves fat people too. He is so compassionate.

Every angel laughed in unison at such a preposterous suggestion.

"I have an idea. One that is very compassionate and noble and benevolent" the Head Elder said. His name was Alan.

"To prove to them once and for all that we're not the bad guys here, we will give two homosexual people real super powers. One gay man and one lesbian. So they can feel better about themselves and fight off demons like they do in their silly little stories" he said in a condescending British accent.

"Those homosexuals are awfully good storytellers!" the Betty Bowers-ish angel said.

"But only two" Alan corrected. "It will be these two people's responsibilities to make sure that they use their powers to empower other homosexuals. Or they could use them for narcissistic and self-absorbed reasons, turning into the very thing they were chosen to fight. Whatever. They have their God-given free will."

"Oh god I love being an angel. So high and mighty and giving and benevolent, in our safely protected realm that no demon could ever attack..."

"Don't be naive Crystal" Alan said. She was one of the newer angels who didn't have the experience and wisdom of her elders. "You should know by now that we sometimes really do get demon attacks... but we fight them off as easily as those Charmed girls do."

"Now come, let us all hold hands and pray and give two very deserving young people REAL super powers." The angels all held hands and prayed. And just like that *snaps fingers*... Sam and Wookie's powers were activated.

"I'm so giving and loving!" an angel said like Esther Hicks did when she complimented herself in the Law of Attraction seminars. Or Oprah with her new 'Lifeclass' series.

After casting the spell, the angels went back to ignoring homosexuality and going on and on and on and about how wonderful and marvelous and spectacular they were.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 2: Welcome to Earth

Earth is a very balanced, in the middle dimension isn't it? Right smack dab in the middle between Heaven and Hell. Sometimes Hitta is genuinely sweet, other times he just trolls you because he's bored and has no job. Sometimes Ashton is really kind and loving in one on one social situations other times he's a stereotypical catty gamma that just cares about the smell of his own ass. Sometimes I forgive people and move on, but mostly I just get them back in stories with my narcissistically good Ni.

Everybody here is a 'character', a humorous mixture of Yes and No, of narcissism and empathy mixed. Truly, demons and angels are one here.

Everything is sort of detailed and earthly and balanced, and absolutes are rarely true. You can look at somebody's personality and with insight get a glimpse of what their super powers *would be* if super powers were real, but of course super powers are the thing of angels.

But super powers really do exist on earth, but they have to be hidden. You of course need a secret identity or they'd lock you up in a mental institution or something. There are heroes, all around us, everyday.

For balance reasons, the people with powers are sociopathically abused and made fun of by the popular kids who just want acceptance and to sit at the Hollywood Cool Table.

So being a very stereotypical loser, Sam wasn't all too surprised when he woke up one day and found out he could throw fireballs out the palms of his hands.

Sam called up Dolphin. "Dolphin, you'll never believe this but I can actually use magic in real life like I can in my stories" he said.

Dolphin got jealous. It was one of her negative personality traits but she couldn't help it. "Blow me! I never got mine yet" She then huffed a little angrily and hung up on Sam.

Oh well. He was pathetically expecting empathy too soon. Girls instinctively love it when you be mean to them and then hold them and say that you are sorry, but Sam didn't feel heterosexual enough to do that. They would have to make up later.

Sam felt alone, like The Only One. But he knew that was emo and self-defeating and there had to be others like him. He felt depressed and suicidal, until one day after about a week Wookie messaged him online and told Sam that she was developing these strange new abilities and she didn't know who else to turn to...

Sam always loved Wookie because it's like she innately covered up his weaknesses while enhancing his strengths like any dual-ish type does. She was aware of his flaws, but they didn't matter much to her, and vice-versa. But he also wanted to remain dignified and keep the boundaries up. He knew that any thing that has the power to make you happy as the power to make you sad as much as it makes you happy, because Earth was a balanced dimension. So he loved wookie but he also wanted to be like "Fuck you, you lesbian bitch! You're not all that great...." Of course he didn't really mean to be mean, but he wouldn't get his heart broken again for the 50,000th time. (well of course he would because the heart is naturally broken open like the narcissistic drag queen said it was, but you know what I mean)

"Yeah.. m-me too" Sam said, trying to hide the excitement in his voice. And attempting to break out of his introversion. "What can you do? ... Super strength huh. It would make sense that you would get stereotypical lesbian powers based on melee combat, and I would get stereotypical gay male powers based on magic combat."

Sam and Wookie both asked around if anybody else on the forum got super powers. They mostly got "No. Get a life and get a job and stop watching anime so much" etc. And light-hearted teases and jibes. And some people were genuinely jealous and said sociopathic and cutting things to them before hanging up angrily. A few were like 'oh that's cool I guess. Why should I care again?' Absurd said something trolling and absurd-ish like "Betas are gay. Bye" and then hung up.

It was clear that after a few months passing, Sam and Wookie were alone in this. They sensed there were other heroes from different factions that weren't the 16types adventurers, but they had their own little groups and weren't about to accept Sam and Wookie in their inner circle all brady bunch ideal like.

Sam and Wookie felt alone and like if they didn't romantically connect they would personally disintegrate so they finally got over their social anxiety and all their fears and insecurities and decided to meet in real life. In the front of a midwestern Dairy Queen.

And it was magic. The spark of pure Ni and Se coming together as one, and for a sweet shiny shiny, it was a purely perfect Fefe Dobson song in both their heads.

Yes, they came back down to reality. The way reality does. But the rush for a few seconds was so sweet.

"With your gay magic and my lesbian physicality, we can conquer anything!" Wookie said all childlike and hopeful and innocent. She wiped the tears from her eyes while the magic settled back on the ground.

"Do you really believe that?" Sam smirked.

"I don't think I have a choice" Wookie said, in that adorably blunt lesbian way.

"I guess while we're here... do you want an ice cream?" Sam asked. "I'll pay." He chuckled to himself playfully while magically conjuring a 10 dollar bill behind his hands.

"I'm not sure we should use our powers to magically create money...." wookie said like a concerned lesbian school teacher. "Yeah buddy, I saw that! You need to turn down the sparkle effect graphics in your spells."

"Why? Jews do it all the time" Sam said in that genuinely heartfelt yet socially inappropriate way of his.

Wookie laughed at that, realizing that there was something about true love that stops people from taking the moral high ground. "True...."

Sam ordered a confetti cake blizzard and Wookie ordered... I don't know, whatever she likes. And together they sat back down at the outside picnic table.

"So what do we do with our powers. There's no old man to guide us or anything. I mean, like they would care anyway. And I don't feel like I can be a big enough bitch to use them to rape Ellen Degeneres."

"Yeah you'd feel all guilty and stuff because you're a good person. That's clearly why you were given them in the first place." Sam smiled cutely at Wookie.

"I wonder what cool person activated our powers. I mean, you feel it too right. This didn't come from us. I mean it's us, sure, but somebody else was nice enough to unlock them for us. Show us the way." Wookie started to have a romantic fantasy about a really attractive lesbian in her head, as she didn't know about the Heterosexual Angels yet.

Sam nodded. "Yeah. I can feel that. And whoever it is... well they are not showing themselves. Maybe they can't. Maybe they don't need to."

Wookie finished the last of her dessert and looked at Sam. "It's up to us. We're together, but we still feel lonely." The air was warm but heavy in the blaring summer heat.

"The bittersweet realm of earth. So balanced and fair...." Sam looked around and then pouted like the emo introverted artist he was. "I hate it here. Seriously. Sometimes I just want to -"

Wookie grabbed Sam's wrist and looked at him affectionately. "You can't. You know you can't."

Sam sighed and made his fireball go away. "But I have all this magic. All this power. I have to release it."

"Me too. But we have to release it against the people who deserve it."

"Everybody deserves it" Sam said bitterly.

"Uh, I mean the demons" Wookie said.

"Oh right. Yeah... we have to fight... demons. But where are they?"

"Underground, in hell. Where else?" Wookie said.

"Don't demons walk around above earth too?"

"Half-demons maybe, but we can't use our powers on them either. It just wouldn't be right...."

Out of the corner of her eye, Wookie looked at a manhole and smiled to herself. She grabbed Sam's hands. "Come on man.."

And it was then, our loveable queers jumped down into the sewers for their first Diablo IV dungeon:

Dairy Queen Sewers: Level 1.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 3: Dairy Queen Sewers: LvL 1

Sam saw his first demon. A weird alien vomit-coloured ape thing that was covered in spoilt ice cream. The stench of rotten milk mixed with straight male 16 year old boy gym socks (that love how vulgar and truly horrible they smell compared to a stereotypical gay man who is pretty and likes more realistic male pheromones) permeated throughout the sewers. And also the smell of pure sewer shit. Being a hero sucks sometimes.

This wasn't dignified, this wasn't pretty- but Sam was sick and tired of all the preppies in the world pretending that monsters like this don't exist just because it makes them feel bad. It wasn't good to feel bad so people avoid feeling bad- but why couldn't they just be brave and...

He flicked his hands toward the creature but his fireball missed. His mind was going too crazy.

"Sam you have to focus! You're being too emo and it's fucking up the aim of your spells!" Wookie called out while tanking the creature. Well more like... dancing around him and pretending like she was hitting him, because girlfriend wasn't about to ruin her new outfit on this thing. Well it wasn't so much her clothes than knowing that direct skin contact with this demon would inflict a poison over time effect that Sam may not be able to heal.

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ALWAYS BE SUCH A KNOW-IT-ALL GAMMA" Sam said even though he knew that she was right. "Okay okay, I'm sorry." He calmed down his brain and stopped being so insecure, and self-confidently and coolly tossed a huge fireball spell at the beast as confidently as the straight male in high school that Everybody Liked And Looked Up To (tm).

"Thata boy" Wookie said, smiling in satisfaction from watching the demon explode in agony from one of Sam's powerful fireballs. "And you're right, I was being too stuck up my own gamma asshole. Are you okay?"

"I think. I'm sorry I dragged you into this" Sam said.

"It was my idea silly. And it feels good to fight!"

"For you maybe! I'm not fighting so much as hanging back here like a scaredy cat."

"You're a writer, a magic-based class. You're *meant* to stay back like a scaredy cat while your more bad-ass street smart friends do the real lifting."

"I cut the grass for my mom today!" Sam said proudly. "No magic."

"Of course you did" wookie said, half-condescendingly, half-affectionately.

"Okay I know that's not the same as what you can do Misses Can Lift A Truck up with just one hand."

"I can do that? How do you know. You've never seen me."

"My Ni knows these things... I Just sense it. Magically" Sam said.

Wookie heard something disturbing rumble in the distance. "Trucks later. Monsters now."

She turned around and heroically round-house kicked three Sewer Vampires in the face at the same time like the bad-ass lesbian that she was.

Sam watched wookie do that, and got jealous.

"I wanna do that too!" He walked up to the vampire and tried punching it in face. But he punched like a 5 year old straight girl that still plays with Polly Pocket. The bad-ass vampire was completely unphased and laughed at Sam.

"I think I broke my hand" Sam said. He cried and went back to the back.

"Know your role bitch!" wookie said.

"I know, I know..." Sam flung another magical fireball at the demon. It took more than one to kill this guy but he kept concentrating, not letting himself get discouraged just because his first big spell didn't work perfectly with a pretty bow attached onto it. Like Buffy narcissistically told Johnathon in Superstar, you can't try to make everything better in one grand gesture all at once.

"Argh. Why do I always have to be so cute and inspiring and big-hearted and vulnerable and pathetic" Sam said.

"Because... you're a sorcerer slash healing/buff class" wookie said. She looked down at the new sword that dropped from the last monster. "Have you learned Fire Enchant yet? Because my new weapon could use a boost...."

Ah, lesbians and their bossiness. Sam waved his hand and wookie was all buffed up. She felt stronger.

"You're so weak and cute that you make everybody else feel better about themselves" wookie said. "It's a true power itself" She felt even more lesbian and bad-ass due to Sam's naturally high empathy levels.

Wookie slaughtered all the narcissistic/sociopathic demons that tried to easily gut into Sam's soft magic nature while Sam, being safe and protected, was able to gain encouragement and self-confidence and stand in the back and cast magic spells without feeling like he was useless and vulnerable.

"I could have done this dungeon all by myself but you're a mage class. You grow slowly over time, like the typical introverted boy that was picked on all his life for being too sensitive and then you get a REALLY good high paying Hollywood job that makes everybody jealous. Like Ian Mckellen playing Gandalf in lord of the rings!"

Sam laughed. "Yeah I won't learn my really cool spells until well... way later. For now I mostly need protection. I want to protect myself and I can... sort of but I...."

Wookie smiled in that self-confident 'I can do anything' lesbian way. "I got your back. Don't worry."

Sam looked at the diablo II-esque staircase graphic leading down deeper into the sewers. "We keep going or we go back up and face the real non-demon world with all its Te-esque pragmatic logic?" Deep down, Sam never ever wanted to go up there again even though he knew that was emo.

Wookie shrugged. "Should fight at least until we get to the Way Point."

To be continued...

[Absurd]

Gamma beta love across the world, how sweet. He has the whole wide world in his hands.

[krieger]

woof will like this in his rule 34 stuff collection.

[aixelsyd]

Is this going to turn into an Earthbound crossover? And yeah, I totally need a non-melee type to make me look good/steal the spot light (it's true). After all, I'm too simple-minded to handle having a bazillion spells and basically get my ass owned in 3.4 seconds flat because I don't know how to work my magic skill set (like in a game like Nox where you have to be good at casting five different spells per second). I'd much rather swing my melee weapon(s) around and break up hoards of enemies since I don't have to think so much...just think fast and do it. And I like to narcissistically use my exp and wps to help people complete quests like I was Bear or Crim from .Hack. Oh well. Enough about me.

simile of win for this chapter:
"he punched like a 5 year old straight girl that still plays with Polly Pocket."

--
"Argh. Why do I always have to be so cute and inspiring and big-hearted and vulnerable and pathetic" Sam said.

Well, try being grumpy, mean, boring/bland, closed hearted, and overly direct. xD Grass is always greener, I guess.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I like to take a little bit of all the pop culture stuff we both like and wrap it into one , plus add my own style to it. So I'm sure it'll be pretty Earthbound-y naturally.

I still have some of the scratch and sniff cards from the original Earthbound startegy guide and they still smell narcissistically wonderful.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Chapter 4: Empathy For Demons

The obviously, not ambiguously gay at all, but in your face gay duo - ventured further down the sewers.

After blasting and hacking through more hordes of demons, the two encountered a female demon that was.... crying?

"Why are you crying?" Sam asked. He couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

"Why do you think?" her voice echoed throughout the hallways, and it was ghostly beautiful even if it was still creepy. "You're coming in her and just killing my kind but for what reason? We haven't done ANYTHING to you."

Sam pondered and put his hand on his chin and thought impatiently; kinda like what happens in Sonic the Hedgehog when you don't put any input in the controller for a few seconds. "S-she's right wookie."

Wookie looked the demon up and down. It was a hideous demon that had a body of a female mummy with flies and maggots all coming out of her skin. Her body was stained with piss and shit and she had grotesque bat wings coming out of her back. She had a ghostly aura radiating from her that was semi-beautiful but didn't make up for much. Wookie realized the truth: the demons were being hunted because they were so goddamn ugly.

"It's because you are ugly" wookie said. Sam gasped at that, but couldn't help but agree. "Also you have no soul...." Wookie pointed to a human victim hung up against the wall that she had tied up, tortured and killed.

"So? Your own kind does way worst than that and gets away with it just because they are more attractive!" the demon said.

"Welcome to America" Sam said. He then began conjuring a very huge fireball to do away with her.

"I HAVE NO SOUL BUT I HAVE FEELINGS. I HAVE NO TRUE SOPHISTICATED MORAL COMPASS BUT I STILL FEEL HURT LIKE YOU DID SAM WHEN YOU WERE MADE FUN OF IN GYM CLASS" the demon said.

"Feel this..." Sam flung the fireball at the demon and she yelled in pain as she died like all the others.

"Did we do the right thing there?" Sam asked.

Wookie felt a little conflicted. I mean it was true, the demons down here don't bother the people up there because they couldn't. They would be ostracized by society and blown to bits by heterosexual male made military machines. They hunt and attack lonely scoundrels who shouldn't be walking out alone at night anyway. They mostly feed on rats and insects.

"They are soulless. Evil creatures who feed on others.... that lack any empathy whatsoever. They feel sorry only for themselves! They cry for their clan but only because they need some sort of empathetic bond with their kin to produce demons. But it isn't as good as OUR empathetic bond, come on!" wookie said.

"B-but they do FEEL" Sam said, being an INFp that feels sorry for anything that can feel. "And like hitta said once on tinychat, empathy *is* a little overrated."

Wookie sighed. "Do you want to REVIVE her, or something?"

"No, I just.... I'm always worried about what I do ethically" Sam said.

"And that is one of your greatest weaknesses" a masculine, booming voice suddenly said. Sam shivered, when he realized it was none other than the prime evil himself: Diablo.

Wookie frowned. What is a Prime Evil like him doing in a lowbie dungeon like this? "We gotta get out of here" wookie said. She learned how to state the obvious from Sam. She used her good sense of direction (because she's a lesbian) and found the waypoint very quickly. Sam and wookie stood on the teleport and turned streaks of blue as they teleported out from the sewers and back on earth. The way point leading back to the original, game-starting Way Point was just a little to the left of the entrance to the sewers themselves. Not many people bother to look *behind* a Dairy Queen because there's no window in which to get ice cream out of to make Americans even more obese than we already are. Thus, it was a perfect place for a Way Point.

"We're nowhere near high enough lvl to take on Diablo yet" Sam said.

"Duh" wookie replied.

"Well I guess, that's enough gaming for now" Sam said. "I wish I could hang out with you more like when you go sailing and stuff but it's probably codependent for us to always be attached at the hip. And besides, you know, I'm a really boring person to do anything other than video games with because I don't know how to enjoy anything else. Well other than gay porn and playing with barbie dolls but something tells me you're not very interested in watching me take Sean and lift his legs up in the air and-"

"Shut up. I understand" wookie said while smiling. "When it's time for us to meet again, we'll both feel it. Have fun lover."

And the two semi-duals went their own way again, for now.