If I could be honest for one post, to clear the air, please hear me out.
I'm LSI. Maritsa correctly identified me as such last year, but let's face it, she doesn't have much credibility around here with her typings.
So Ryan comes along. Spoils my game. He's able to correctly identify me as LSI, and able to argue/convince others with rational, logical points. He wasn't the first person perceptive enough to see this, though.
Hkkmr made a bold stance last year. When everyone said 'MD is ESFj', hkkmr said that it seemed off, that somehow I came across as logical. At the time he put me as ESTj.
But the truth is, most all of you have noticed something is off with me. As Absurd and some of the Te-valuers put it simply, 'You believed you were this type before, this type now, so at some point you were lying to yourself.'
And I was. This was never done maliciously, to deceive any of you. I think it was my way of coping, of protecting my weakpoints, to try to be something I'm not. I'm sure it's something others can understand. If I may go 'hitta' now, and honestly pscyhoanalyze myself: (I'll be brief. I don't wish to share my whole life story.)
Growing up, I was quiet, shy, introverted, highly intelligent. My favorite subject was math, and I loved any puzzle game, chess etc. Sometimes I was made fun of for my intelligence. If not for being extremely competitive in sports, beating kids older than me in basketball, soccer, football, sprinting, etc, I would have been a complete nerd.
Two major psychological triggers: the private Christian school, and my parents' divorce. The Christian school placed strong values on ethics, and caring about other people. It was my mom's wish, also a strong Christian, to attend. The belief system/rules of living I grew up with were largely centered around Christianity. When my parents divorced at 10, with a shaky, unstable homelife, I think is when I resorted to being accepted in school by my peers.
In high school, I remember one guy saying something stupid once, and this girly girl saying, 'Aww!' very emphatically. I felt confused, I didn't understand why she would feel sympathy for this guy. It was at that time, I remember making a conscious effort to understand the emotions of others, even jokingly incorporating 'Aww' into my words. I denied my inner logic, and started subconsciously imitating expressive people. That, along with my Christian background, most certainly made me come across as 'ethical'.
Stories aside, I feel strong pressures to conform, and be accepted, ultimately cause me to type-change. I love the idea of constant improvement, and being able to change yourself, so I would constantly psychologically trick myself into thinking I'm something that I'm not. I did honestly believe I was LSE, ILE, SLE, ESE, LSI, IEE, etc. Just as I developed an outgoing personality, as part of being accepted, I could easily 'act' like any of the 16types. Like a chameleon. Again, was I doing it to purposefully be deceptive? No. I had a poor self-identity. No understanding of my real weaknesses.
What are my real weaknesses?
1) Taking everything seriously.
2) Coming across as paranoid.
3) Not understanding other people's viewpoints/perspectives easily.
All of this points at Ne POLR.
Why did I come across as ESE so much? Again, part of it was my 1) acting in my outgoing, sociable mask and 2) my Christian upbringing. LSIs tend to argue to the death for the system they grew up with:
So, why did I type-change so frequently? Put it simply, for attention. As immature as that sounds. The past 2 years of my life have been rough, having been kicked out of my dad's house, then kicked out of my mom's house. I have a few true friends on the business team, but for the most part, I guess I feel lonely. Maybe it's just that I push people away still... unconfident in relationships, which also points at LSI. Posts like this aren't that far off:
Originally Posted by http://www.wikisocion.org/en/index.php?title=LSI
So that’s where I’m at. This is horribly long already, so I’ll wrap this up.
Originally Posted by Parkster
Feel free to criticize. Like I said before, it makes me stronger. I’ve made many mistakes, and I’m sure many of you won’t care for this post. But at least I’m being honest now with who I am. And that’s a start.
I’m considering taking a break from the forum again. Maybe it might help clear my head. I know I’ve offended many of you again lately, and I apologize. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.