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Thread: I'm so stupid - help :(

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    Default I'm so stupid - help :(

    Actually it's better to write such things on Internet board. Basically I know what I'm doing is just idiotic. However, I cannot stop this feelings.
    I know it's due to my lack of self confidence and I know that I have gotten better. But.
    I sometimes think I do some things just to feel worse.
    I've been in a very good relationship for more than half a year. It's calm and good and everything is fine. I used to be in a terrible relationship before so I can appreciate the normality.
    However.
    I'm jealous of my boyfriend's past. He used to be in a good relationship before with a girl that might have been his dual. She left him after 7 years for another guy. He doesn't talk about her but:
    She used to be a model (of course I'm not) and I found her photo on the Internet - she's really beautiful. She also look as if she was his dual. She's girlish and delicate.
    After that he was alone for 3 years. And my thoughts are : I'm no as beautiful as her. Maybe she was the love of his life. And I know that I'm not the first one that he chose. So I feel ...so bad. I know it's stupid these are just my thoughts. Another thing is that he seems to be attracted to girls like her - tall and slim and he is interested in modelling. (not himself but he pays attention, he used to watch Top Model)
    I once said something about that to him and he told me he doesn't even remember what she looked like and he deleted all of her photos. On another occassion he told me he wouldn't help her if something bad happened to her. I don't know... I just feel I'm not good enough or something and sometimes I just want to get out of this relationship to avoid this feeling.
    Maybe it's partly connected with socionics and partly with my lack of self confidence. i don't know... is it hopeless..?

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    I don't think that's type related at all. And just by looking at a photo, I wouldn't say "she's probably his dual." For one, VI is only sort-of accurate, and, for two, you're so incredibly biased. She could actually look like his conflictor and you would think she was his dual.

    And yes, it's your self-confidence. You're awesome; he hasn't done anything to warrant such jealousy, don't worry about it. My boyfriend was married before me and I don't really care. It has no influence on me, and if that didn't happen he wouldn't be where/who he is now. I went out of the country last weekend with a guy friend, and my boyfriend just said, "Okay, have fun! Take pictures!" Trust is a big part of any relationship and without that, you're just going to be paranoid and it will end up poisoning the relationship. It'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    Whenever you start thinking jealous thoughts, just try and take a step back and ask yourself, "Is this REALLY something to be upset over or am I just being paranoid and overreacting?"

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    If she left him for another man and they've been separated for 3 years, chances (very high) are he doesn't give a fuck about her anymore.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    I know I'm overreacting and paranoid, I'll be back to my normal state in a moment. I'm not jealous of what he does, I trust him and I feel safe in that way. What I'm jealous of are emotions. Maybe it's just temporary... Anyway I've always been attracted to the idea and they lived together forever after. The idea of going through different phases of life together while still being young, fighting for something together has always appealed to me. I just somehow felt it brings people together. And when you are old you can bring back the memories when you were fresh and young and so much in love. I think this idea was the reason I was in my previous relationship - that guy was totally in love with me since we were 15 and I thought he would love me forever. I know it's naive what I'm thinking but still the idea is beautiful, isn't it?

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    Now you're just being idealistic. Real life isn't a movie adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks novel. If you're expecting something ~*~great~*~ and ~*~profound~*~, then you'll always be disappointed and never fulfilled nor satisfied with anything.

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    I know, you are right... we should look for small things in life that add flavour . FoxOnStilts you remind me of a very good ILE friend of mine . He ALWAYS managed to cheer me up and you seem to do the same thing.
    I feel ashamed of what I'm thinking I know I'm just being childish and insecure. The worst thing happens when people (e.g. me) start living in their head too much and think too much . That's beacause I'm off today and I haven't slept well. I need to occypy myself with something and it's gonna get better. Actually it already has.
    My real problem is I'm not satisfied with what I did with my life and it's gonna come back to me. I find it difficult to accept and I think the same about other people. Brr....
    Another thing is when I finally burst into tears I know it's somehow going to get better after that .

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    If your dudefriend doesn't talk about her often or make references to her, then I'd think that he probably has moved on from that relationship. I actually disagree with your method of occupying yourself with something until it gets better . I think your questioning is legitimate based on you not knowing him that well. You're not being dumb... Based on how you feel about this, it might be a recurring issue whenever he mentions the ex, in that you will want some kind of reassurance and your paranoia might flare up again when it's not the reassurance you want, "he didn't sound very convincing this time, what if he still likes her?" That kind of anxiety will hurt a relationship. Coming from a guy who has anxiety issues, my 2 cents is that you don't know for sure if he does/doesn't/will/won't do anything that you think about (and it's not like you're coming up with something farfetched either), so being at peace with that possibility and giving the same weight to the opposite possibility AND CONSEQUENTLY choosing not to think about it because it's out of your control might help you not only for this but for any other anxiety issues.

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    You can't compare Yourself to Your s.o's past. because You're completelY different people and i'm sure You have Your own qualities that make You beautiful and worthwhile to him if he's into the fashion industry and or models, You can't expect him to just give that interest up and start googling pics of girls that look like You. everyone has their fantasies, that doesn't mean he can't love and appreciate YOUR appearance on its own level. so don't let it get to You. You just need to realize Your own strengths and beautY that's unique to You and not worry about how You're dissimilar from his ex. maYBe those differences You assumed were shortcomings are actuallY strengths over her self-doubt is a disease. You can't expect to wallow in it and have someone pull You out, because sometimes they start doubting You too. just be confident. he chose You for a reason
    maybe a saint is just a dead prick with a good publicist
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    He dated someone before. That's normal. He doesn't sound interested in her anymore. Relax. You're right that this is about your self confidence and not about him.

    He wouldn't be with you if he didn't find you attractive.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


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    All guys notice a girls looks first. He watches top model because guys do notice the physical first. But looks are not the only thing a guy wants... I think you are fine.

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    I don't know I quess I'm just anxious for the sake of being anxious. It's not that I believe I'm ugly I'm rather confident about my looks. I used to have similar issues in my previous relationships so I know when I think rationally that the problem is me. I always think that I don't deserve something but I also know that I shouldn't think this way. I just have this stupid philosophy... I'm not afraid that he would like to come back to her (she's already married anyway). It's just... I quess I'm just jealous of the fact that she was his first love. But you are right, it's totally normal. He doesn't mention her but he doesn't also avoid the subject. The fact is that he still doesn't have to have anything to do with her - but she left him in a very bad style so maybe that's the reason.
    What is important is the fact that I'm finally in a good relationship with a good person and it's so stupid of me to google his ex girlfriend and cry after seeing something.
    And thank you for rationality, I really needed it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lobo View Post
    Coming from a guy who has anxiety issues, my 2 cents is that you don't know for sure if he does/doesn't/will/won't do anything that you think about (and it's not like you're coming up with something farfetched either), so being at peace with that possibility and giving the same weight to the opposite possibility AND CONSEQUENTLY choosing not to think about it because it's out of your control might help you not only for this but for any other anxiety issues.
    I'm not anxious about something that he might possibly do although I'm completely aware of the fact that we can never exclude the possibility of sth. I think my anxiety come from the fact I don't know... that I'm not good enough?? don't deserve being loved? I'm just trying to analyze it in an abstract way... I know every human person is worth being loved and I haven't done anything in order not to deserve that. It's just sometimes anxiety is a habit and it's irrational.
    I really feel ashamed of the fact that I started this thread... but at the same time a bit relieved a little bit.

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    Keep in mind what you do have in your control. You can get in better shape if you want. Start working out 15-30 minutes a day. Do you have to be a model? Nope. Do you have to be tall and skinny? Nope. But it will certainly help your confidence in yourself. And I'm sure your man will notice the difference after a couple weeks, and be even more excited about being with you.

    The suggestion for working out is mainly for you. Will it matter for him being loyal to you? Sounds like you got a guy that will be true to you anyway...:
    1) He dated a girl for 7 years - shows he is incredibly LOYAL.
    2) She broke up with him - has he ever broken up with anyone? Shows he's willing to work on things and not quit.
    3) He deleted photos of her - shows he is mature to move on with his life, and find someone else.
    4) You've already been dating 6 months - shows your past the 'testing the waters' stage and are comfortable with each other.

    My guess is he's an incredibly loyal guy, in it for the long haul. Someone you're searching for. He's already attracted to you for some reason or another.

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    I guess that Mountain Dew will become the new poster boy for what "creative Fi" really means... good advice, Dew!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker View Post
    He dated someone before. That's normal. He doesn't sound interested in her anymore. Relax. You're right that this is about your self confidence and not about him.

    He wouldn't be with you if he didn't find you attractive.
    Yeah, I basically believe we can identify two core starting points:

    - they have been separated for 3 years
    - she left him for another guy

    based on my understading of the average man's psyche, the general feeling towards her would be a mixture of indifference, disgust and slight hatred. Their (I mean, those characteristics) relationship with love would likely be statistically orthogonal.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    She left him for another guy, this is the sort of thing most people don't forgive.

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    Thank you all for all your advice. I'm gonna build my self-esteem yeah from now on and try not to forget about that when the moment of paranoia comes. Who would have thought Internet forum is such a good place to share your doubts.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pauluch View Post
    Thank you all for all your advice. I'm gonna build my self-esteem yeah from now on and try not to forget about that when the moment of paranoia comes. Who would have thought Internet forum is such a good place to share your doubts.
    I totally feel ya. There are some weeks when I'm on top of the world and I'm so confident...I'm looking sexier in the mirror, sex is better and then there are those weeks when I'm like "nobody loves me" and I feel so insecure.

    When it comes to ex's I feel like it just takes time and confidence with your partner to get over it. I don't know if you watch "How I met your Mother" but there's this episode where the main character is talking about baggage that he carries around. He finally spills his heart out to this girl he's seeing and he lesson he learns at the end of the episode is that baggage is a lot easier to carry around with someone to help :]

    It's really nice that your man is willing to talk about his ex with you when your feeling insecure because it's those little things that can help you make you feel more secure about your relationship with him.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pauluch View Post
    I once said something about that to him and he told me he doesn't even remember what she looked like and he deleted all of her photos. On another occassion he told me he wouldn't help her if something bad happened to her.
    I don't know what do you want more. She left him, he moved on, good for both of you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Silly View Post
    I totally feel ya. There are some weeks when I'm on top of the world and I'm so confident...I'm looking sexier in the mirror, sex is better and then there are those weeks when I'm like "nobody loves me" and I feel so insecure.
    What is your type, Silly ? I don't want to call you Silly btw .

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    And don't forget he's been dumped and on the shelf for three years....maybe he's lucky to have YOU.
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    How important and how difficult is to be objective... especially when dealing with your inner doubts and things you've been always afraid of. Everything depends on what we focus our attention on. Now, from the distance I think I could easily focus on something that could make me feel : I'm the only one for him, his perfect soulmate and he's mine as well. And I could easily immerse in self-doubts like I'm not worth happiness.
    Maybe it's something that we should all remember...everything is relative so... keep cool. I'm going to repeat it to myself everytime the moment comes.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pauluch View Post
    How important and how difficult is to be objective...
    don't worry, true objectivity doesn't exist!


    /Te-PoLR

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pauluch View Post
    I'm the only one for him, his perfect soulmate and he's mine as well.
    That's the spirit.

    Quote Originally Posted by glam View Post
    don't worry, true objectivity doesn't exist!

    /Te-PoLR
    Socionics doesn't exist. I heard that before.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pauluch View Post
    How important and how difficult is to be objective... especially when dealing with your inner doubts and things you've been always afraid of. Everything depends on what we focus our attention on. Now, from the distance I think I could easily focus on something that could make me feel : I'm the only one for him, his perfect soulmate and he's mine as well. And I could easily immerse in self-doubts like I'm not worth happiness.
    Maybe it's something that we should all remember...everything is relative so... keep cool. I'm going to repeat it to myself everytime the moment comes.
    ditto

    anyway,i would really struggle with keeping an open mind about someone obsessed with the modeling subculture so props to you.

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    It's not that he's obsessed . He doesn't care to wear fashionable clothes or anything - he's rather conservative (although careful) when it comes to clothes selection.
    I think he's just an aesthete, he likes beauty in women and it doesn't mean she needs to have perfect measurments. Maybe I feel so insecure sometimes because he very rarely pays me compliments (almost never) and he's face is not that expressive so it's not always easy to read what he thinks. But I think it's not going to change so I'd better get used to that. You know, I'm a woman and I'm vain... so I like seeing admiration in my beloved's eyes .
    Anyway it IS getting on my nerves that he used to watch Top Model. First of all I'm jealous, and secondly - this programme is just dumb.

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    Not to imply anything about your bf, but as far as I know, the only guys who like watching Top Model are gay. It's like part of the stereotype of a gay guy or something... This is in the US. Maybe Europe is different.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pauluch View Post
    It's not that he's obsessed . He doesn't care to wear fashionable clothes or anything - he's rather conservative (although careful) when it comes to clothes selection.
    I think he's just an aesthete, he likes beauty in women and it doesn't mean she needs to have perfect measurments. Maybe I feel so insecure sometimes because he very rarely pays me compliments (almost never) and he's face is not that expressive so it's not always easy to read what he thinks. But I think it's not going to change so I'd better get used to that. You know, I'm a woman and I'm vain... so I like seeing admiration in my beloved's eyes .
    Anyway it IS getting on my nerves that he used to watch Top Model. First of all I'm jealous, and secondly - this programme is just dumb.
    He sounds LII or something.

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    Quote Originally Posted by WorkaholicsAnon View Post
    Not to imply anything about your bf, but as far as I know, the only guys who like watching Top Model are gay. It's like part of the stereotype of a gay guy or something... This is in the US. Maybe Europe is different.
    Hehe I don't think he's gay or at least he's aware of that fact . He started watching this because everyone in Poland was making fun of Joanna Krupa and her American accent and he didn't know who she was . And then he liked that. He was watching this in my opinion 1. he likes watching beautiful girls and according to him he was laughing at their stupidity .
    There might be some truth in each of the reasons

    He's definitely Delta ST. My previous boyfriend was INTj and yeah... actually I could imagine him watching Top Model as well .

    As for the clothes selection. My ex INTj was TERRIBLE at clothes. I used to buy all the clothes for him and mostly he would wear them without any objection. However, he was less conservative than M. and he liked weird clothes, sometimes he would wear something which was totally off and he sometimes didn't care if the clothes were dirty.
    With M. dirty clothes or without a button - he would NEVER go out in such clothes. Once he made me sew his button because he wouldn't go shopping without one . He likes simplicity and cleanliness.

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    Quote Originally Posted by hkkmr View Post
    She left him for another guy, this is the sort of thing most people don't forgive.
    Unless they are very much in love.
    Sincerely Yours,

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    Quote Originally Posted by sarinana View Post
    Unless they are very much in love.
    How can "they" be in love and she leave him for someone else? That is not love.
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    Hm... it seems to be a phylosophical issue.
    I'd say being in love isn't so much connected with forgiveness but other factors are - e.g. your self-esteem, feeling of guilt, general approach to life (some people are more easy going some would prefer to be unhappy than to forgive sth they believe is wrong)
    But coming back to topic - it's not only that she left him for another guy, she cheated on him, then she went away for half a year and told him they needed a break. Only then did he found her e-mails with that guy and she refused to answer his calls. He had to arrange her parents to collect her things.
    He's very proud and I believe he wouldn't forgive her even if he was very much in love.
    I made that mistake once. I was in a relationship with a guy who treated me like shit and I came back to him and he treated me like shit again. However, I've always had self-esteem problems and I almost lost it in this relationship so I believed I won lottery...It took me quite a lot of time to realize it hadn't been all my fault and I couldn't do a lot to make that relationship better. A dick will always be a dick .

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    I remember a very similar thread Ver once made where she talked about how unsure she was of her feelings, whether her guy is the right guy, whether his feelings were real, etc...

    I really don't get how women can be so uncertain of themselves and their feelings sometimes. I mean, how can you doubt how you feel about someone? And why would you bother trying to prove to yourself that how you feel is the "right" way to feel? How I feel and what (/who) I want in life have always been pretty clear-cut things to me. And there's no "right" way to feel and "right" things to want, especially when it comes to relationships.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Parkster View Post
    I really don't get how women can be so uncertain of themselves and their feelings sometimes. I mean, how can you doubt how you feel about someone? And why would you bother trying to prove to yourself that how you feel is the "right" way to feel? How I feel and what (/who) I want in life have always been pretty clear-cut things to me.
    It probably has something to do with being a man and being a woman. Sometimes I feel that men just follow their instintct and do not spend a lot of time analyzing things. They are either in or out. Or at least the men I had to deal with interested in. I kind of like it when it's simple but cannot help my neurosis sometimes. And I really admire people like you.
    Quote Originally Posted by Parkster View Post
    And there's no "right" way to feel and "right" things to want, especially when it comes to relationships.
    I agree with you to some extent. Of course people should be allowed to feel and react in whatever way they want. But when you want to form a helthy relationship and you are afraid of making the mistakes you made before it may lead you to analyze your feelings, the feelings of the other side etc.And about "right things to want".It's like everybody has their priorities. If you don't want to hurt your beloved one, you think before doing something - this is the right thing to want. When you are prone to forget about yourself and please the other person and you know that it led you nowwhere in the past - you also need to pay attention to yourself and your behviour.
    I sometimes feel that I could become a horrible person in a relationship = overly clingy, dependent and spoilt. So I try to do things to avoid being such a burden.

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