I'm only Words Written on Water

[Aquagraph]

Please feel free to ask, compliment, insult, moralize or type me in any way.

I'll be using this thread as my diary.

[Aquagraph]

I'm still not over my ex.

We talked in English 90% of the time though we're both fluent in Finnish. We drank a lot and smoked the herb occasionally. She was this IEI sharpie (SHARP = Skinheads Against Racial Prejudice) girl. I'm a sex addict and we didn't have rules so I fucked someone else and casually told her about it the next time we saw. Then I realized that not hurting her should've been the thumb rule. I guess Fi PoLR can be a bad thing as well. Then she broke up with me. I could have gone through a lot of hard time celibacy to have her back.

Later on she said she didn't have those kind of feelings to me anymore. That helped. Now she contacted me. That didn't help. I played distant as I'm starting to get over her. I've never been so in love.

Occupy Helsinki camp has taken a lot of time away from drugs, alcohol and thinking about her. Haven't been this long (two weeks) sober for a year.
The incoming welfare check is going to change that as well. I'm not good with money.

[mu4]

You should go get her back, and don't give a fuck what she feels right now(Fi-Polr). Your job to make her love you, better to fail then not try. If you are duals, you should have a good chance to succeed if you try hard enough and be yourself.

I think a lot of time when young people will fuck up their first good relationship due to immaturity, this is usually something worth reigniting.

[Creepy-Snaps]

I think if you guys never agreed to be exclusive, you were ok. And you did a great thing by being honest with her. I know she was hurt, by assuming you were, but things always get confusing when they are assumed. So just make sure next time, if you get back with her or someone else, to have the 'exclusive' conversation.

I really like this diary. Writing is a great way to express yourself and grow. And posting it here for us all to see is very bold. I think you're showing, Aquagraph, that you want to change your life for the better, and I'm glad you're continuing to change.

TWO WEEKS SOBER!!!! CAN YOU MAKE IT TO 3!!!

[Aquagraph]

I think if you guys never agreed to be exclusive, you were ok. And you did a great thing by being honest with her. I know she was hurt, by assuming you were, but things always get confusing when they are assumed. So just make sure next time, if you get back with her or someone else, to have the 'exclusive' conversation.

I hinted her about agreeing with some rules, but she evaded the discussions with her attachment issues so I saw it good not to pursue further in that area. Maybe she wanted me to just tell her that we're dating

I think you're showing, Aquagraph, that you want to change your life for the better, and I'm glad you're continuing to change.

Change is inevitable after a mistake. Growth follows after crisis.

TWO WEEKS SOBER!!!! CAN YOU MAKE IT TO 3!!!

Already smoked pot and drank a bit. Actually high right now. Nevertheless, I've found some activity to replace mind-altering substance use. I had no problem with it. It was a good way to pass time when I can't motivate my depressed mind to do anything else. Merely a symptom of something considered to be a problem.

You should go get her back, and don't give a fuck what she feels right now(Fi-Polr). Your job to make her love you, better to fail then not try. If you are duals, you should have a good chance to succeed if you try hard enough and be yourself.

Believe me, I tried. Now she's going to move to Ireland to Dublin University. I was the first to hear that the university accepted her when we were about to start dating.

I think a lot of time when young people will fuck up their first good relationship due to immaturity, this is usually something worth reigniting.

Just like in the movies.

----

Confession to All of You

I believe that I'm a so-called hacker mentality. My friends have told me that while being highly socially able, I have autistic features. I think my calculativeness on people as well has helped me building social intelligence. I'm highly calculative, although most of the earlier calculatied moves are already being executed without a thought, subconsciously, as I have hacked myself a persona to suit my needs. Though the persona has flaws and is being built by lot of constructions which I cannot undo, many of those affected by factors that have been built-in from my environment and biology.

Actually, this experimentation goes so far that I've created experiments for studying and do some social moves just for the interest of "what happens if this character that is 'me' does this". It is fairly simple to study social moves through internet as I have a lot of time to develop a persona and to try this traits among you, for example. I'm also inclined to find it interesting to see which ones of you find it insulting to be talked of as a test subject, even though, I must admit, you're a likable bunch and I hope you saw my fondness towards you in my act. And don't believe that I lied to you. Too much, that is. I'm highly honest person, but I will show you my only lie I can recall (and propably the only one I told you, believe it or not); I've known myself to be pretty much fitted to the description of ILE (as this was the most accurate model in socionics to describe me) since the time I started being active poster and changed my nickname from Irony Of Antinomy. It was interesting to see how you gave basis for SLE theory and showed again the frailty which persists in every model and this I did with my character - the Text Written in Water, aquagraphic. Do you now see this. This and the fact that there was a nice bit of attention that I enjoyed.

Oh, there was another -a rather minor- lie; NewBornStar knew my type. And there was a bit deception; Agarina and NewBornStar knew of my scheme, but I told them to keep it a secret.

Socionics is just a new tool to me, nothing serious. Whether what type is related to having HIV or some other trait that isn't clearly over-represented would be totally a matter of trivia - and a fun fact at best.

This was highly interesting as it seems I suffer from the highly frustrating drive to be real good at my role function. I got some results from this study. And I had fun. Hope the ones whom I liked enjoyed my company though some of you may see me as highly devious from now on.

[Absurd]

She was this IEI sharpie (SHARP = Skinheads Against Racial Prejudice) girl.

That's what you get hanging out with commies.

I'm highly honest person, but I will show you my only lie I can recall (and propably the only one I told you, believe it or not); I've known myself to be pretty much fitted to the description of ILE (as this was the most accurate model in socionics to describe me) since the time I started being active poster and changed my nickname from Irony Of Antinomy.

Give socionics experts socionics and they will make you whatever you want them to make you.

[Codie]

So, you are ILE? thought so ;p

[Absurd]

So, you are ILE? thought so ;p

Good.

[mu4]

Believe me, I tried. Now she's going to move to Ireland to Dublin University. I was the first to hear that the university accepted her when we were about to start dating.
Just like in the movies.

Well since you're typing ILE(wasn't sure what your type was exactly), you're now properly buggered and should resign yourself to a life limerence and unrequited love. Welcome to the 16types.info!

Here's a clip for you.

[Codie]

Well since you're typing ILE(wasn't sure what your type was exactly), you're now properly buggered and should resign yourself to a life limerence and unrequited love

I was limerent over an ILE-Ti for 7 years! There may be a "Mirage" effect.. on.

[Aquagraph]

I feel strange. Something is about to happen.

I'm motivated to surpassing my former self and this feeling is accompanied with fear and angst.
I feel weak. I want to die or surpass my former self. Or to start drowning my ambition under hedonism like I often used to do.

I always had this feeling that I was meant for something great, maybe even divine. I was very talented and had a superior sense of uniqueness.
Then after emotional torment and struggle with the world of today, I think I don't have the necessary mental resources anymore. But I still feel a sense of purpose although the path is to be made and the destination is not known. I feel weak, and my current lifestyle is just going the same old alcoholist fight-or-flight decay on repeat. If I cork the bottle for a few days I start to ask whether to kill myself or to pursue some vague image of greatness. Even if I had the resources, I can never achieve to become the hero I wanted to be if I have no clue what I should be doing. In a sense, this purpose feels lost for now. It might come back to me.

What else could I do to find life meaningful? If I wanted to, I'd have the resources to become wealthy, powerful, educated and/or respected. But why should I? Would these things make me feel more complete? It all seems pointless.
I don't want to used the worn-out angst phrase but in the end nothing matters because we die.

All the point I ever clearly could pursue is to be loved. Now that I am loved and adored, I still feel pointless. I'm a loved character but still the same pointless element in this story. What next? Should I start making tons of money? Should I devote my life to a woman and eventually to my children? Should I feed my spirituality? Should I engage in professional politics?

[Aivonaima]

I feel strange. Something is about to happen.

Yes.

[Gilly]

I feel strange. Something is about to happen.

I'm motivated to surpassing my former self and this feeling is accompanied with fear and angst.
I feel weak. I want to die or surpass my former self. Or to start drowning my ambition under hedonism like I often used to do.

I always had this feeling that I was meant for something great, maybe even divine. I was very talented and had a superior sense of uniqueness.
Then after emotional torment and struggle with the world of today, I think I don't have the necessary mental resources anymore. But I still feel a sense of purpose although the path is to be made and the destination is not known. I feel weak, and my current lifestyle is just going the same old alcoholist fight-or-flight decay on repeat. If I cork the bottle for a few days I start to ask whether to kill myself or to pursue some vague image of greatness. Even if I had the resources, I can never achieve to become the hero I wanted to be if I have no clue what I should be doing. In a sense, this purpose feels lost for now. It might come back to me.

What else could I do to find life meaningful? If I wanted to, I'd have the resources to become wealthy, powerful, educated and/or respected. But why should I? Would these things make me feel more complete. It all seems pointless.
I don't want to used the worn-out angst phrase but in the end nothing matters because we die.

All the point I ever clearly could pursue is to be loved. Now that I am loved and adored, I still feel pointless. I'm a loved character but still the same pointless element in this story. What next? Should I start making tons of money? Should I devote my life to a woman and eventually to my children? Should I feed my spirituality? Should I engage in professional politics?

<3 We are poured from the same mould, you and I

[Aquagraph]

<3 We are poured from the same mould, you and I

I have been aware of that for some time now, brother Gilly.

[Gilly]

I think most people are an interesting mix of empathetic ****** and brutal str8 guy qualities. =p

My entp friend was telling me about a tv show (don't know the name sorry) that tried to troll straight men by having one of the characters be the typical macho bad-ass type that every male wants to be. The guy that robs from people and is bad-ass and talks a lot of shit, etc. But then later on they show him wanting mansexlove from another man. So like at first guys can be 'this dude is so cool he's just like me!' when they see him acting like an asshole, and then they see him kiss another man and they're like 'OH SHIT.'

The Wire! Omar is the SHIT

However I get in these romantic drama fights with gay guys that are a lot more bad-ass and asshole-like than me. Like guys who were really athletic and skilled physically and knew how to catch the football but were still gay. They were very estp, had masculine deep voices, had a HUGE criminal record, etc. We were crazy about each other cuz it was like yin/yang.

Maybe I'm not as nice and sweet as I think. =p I mean I was locked up before.

Lol for what?

Anyways we put people in these stupid categories of 'mean straight guy' and 'overly nice gay guy' way too much and it's not really fair to people.

Who is "we?"

[Gilly]

I have been aware of that for some time now, brother Gilly.

There's only one difference.

[Aquagraph]

There's only one difference.

Care to explicate?

[Gilly]

Care to explicate?

I haven't given up.

[Aquagraph]

I haven't given up.

Then there is no difference.
I'm not dead, just procrastinating.

[Gilly]

Ok. That's good to know.

[Aivonaima]

Have a fun day. Not gonna congratulate you, tho, recall you didn't like it. And what's the deal with congratulating people for doing something everyone has to do to even start their life to begin with. But may your day be filled with pot, ethanol, sex and places to stay for the night.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

You need to be loved but you also need to genuinely love. Narcissistically sleeping around with everybody isn't love, it's you just being a typical guy and seeing how far you can get away with things. I'm not judging you for it, but it's like "Look at me mommy! I'm a 16 year old straight boy and I just did something shocking and socially inappropriate. Can I have some attention please?" LoL straight men will do anything for attention and it's cute.

Once you can love somebody truly instead of just being sexy/attractive, and once you can also get that in return then you will be a lot more happy and satisfied. ((and the sex will get better, not worse)) Until the break-up happens and you're back to feeling lost again but that's the journey of life. We're never always the same because that would be dead and boring.

[Aquagraph]

Narcissistically sleeping around with everybody isn't love, it's you just being a typical guy and seeing how far you can get away with things. I'm not judging you for it, but it's like "Look at me mommy! I'm a 16 year old straight boy and I just did something shocking and socially inappropriate. Can I have some attention please?"

I can relate to this but often I just feel like my life is way too exciting not to be shared.

Once you can love somebody truly instead of just being sexy/attractive, and once you can also get that in return then you will be a lot more happy and satisfied. ((and the sex will get better, not worse)) Until the break-up happens and you're back to feeling lost again but that's the journey of life. We're never always the same because that would be dead and boring.

When I say I want sex, it's just usually more than me finding someone sexy/attractive. I just call it sex like the code of the str8 bad boy dictates although I could call it more accurately "intimate encounters to repress loneliness" or "temporal bonding with magic and intimacy". When I say I want sex, it doesn't even have to involve sexual intercourse.

For now, I just find way too many beings magical enough to be interesting and I can find too much novelty in these people to ignore the perks of my current way of living and romancing.

[Aquagraph]

Lol, sorry to interrupt the man-love but I seriously thought for a minute there that the difference would be "I wear underwear under my kilt"...

[fen]