I need help determining this. Any input would be greatly appreciated. (btw, I am Fe-IEI probably 4w5 or balanced)
My case: I am extremely ambitious, have high expectations for myself and big dreams/goals, I think a lot about becoming "known" for something I really care about and becoming truly the best at it, I didn't really hang out with popular kids in high school though I was aware of who the popular kids were, I want to be admired and provoke people and get them talking, I always play devil's advocate...ALWAYS, I'm of the humble opinion that society had raped the dreams of younger folk, I have had intense relationships with certain people, particualrly when I was younger...I had like 3-4 best friends and when they were my best friend I didn't care much at all about anyone else but them, I cried a for weeks when they informed I wouldn't be in they're classes or they would be moving, etc. There have been a couple of intensely good friends that I have had that I was/am EXTREMELY envious of, I haven't had a lot of sexual relationships with people, but the ones I have had have left me pretty heartbroken, last year I felt like the relationship I was in disoriented me entirely as a person...I know that sounds weird but it's like I lost myself when I was in it, now I'm a little bit more skeptical of people and have, at times, trouble letting them into my life like I used to when I was younger...I'm scared it will make me vulnerable or "distract me" from accomplishing other things, Oh and I talk to myself in the shower (pretending I'm talking to other people) ALL OF THE TIME, I also have pretend arguments with myself as if debating with some opponent ALL OF THE TIME....Also, any time I have a stimulating discussuion with someone else or watch a great movie or hear a great song...it's like a rush of adrenaline gets pumped in my viens and I'm like "fuck yeah! THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF!" (punches wall, snorts cocaine, falls to one knee, starts bleeding, dies...)...I also have been fond of putting up a "tough guy" act even though inside I'm as cuddly as a teddy...sort of. I also love being the center of attention when I'm in small groups and can seem really extroverted...but once there are more than 3-4 people...I gotta get the fuck out of there. As far as the self-pres aspects of myself.......I don't need to eat, fuck that shit.
Any ideas on what I might be?