ISTj mind wandering during emotional stress

[Hemoglobin]

Last night my ex fiancé (IEI, INFP mbti, E2w3) and I went out for dinner together as we are both still very close. We were having a normal conversation when all of a sudden it came down to him starting a new relationship 14 days after I called off the engagement. Conversation got very heated and we had to leave the restaurant before a major scene broke out.

We argued for a couple of hours, him getting super analytical and reserved and me breaking down into tears looking all pathetic and then us switching back to anger then back to the previous state.

What I noticed about myself though is that during this time it felt like my mind had split into two sections... one dealing with the situation at hand and the other part went off into la la land. I started getting very fixated on how I had arranged the books on my shelf trying to figure out how to make it more efficient and a new system I should implement or if I should go by a dewey system. I then started working out what I should be getting for my tax return and then went onto a maths equation that had been bothering me for the last couple of days.

I ended up feeling a bit guilty that my mind seems to wander a lot during times of stress... kind of works like a coping mechanism. I often feel as though I am not really there and it's not really happening.

Do any other ISTjs experience this? How do you cope with emotional stress?

Other types: have you noticed ISTj's minds wandering a bit?

[Beautiful sky]

All minds wander.

Some minds worry. Other minds distract. Some minds run away from their thoughts. My mind goes into distractions like submersing myself in my hobbies as a means of distraction from real (Se) world. Especially when my loved ones suffer, in health related things, I can get really emotional and down and won't know what to do next.

[Jenna]

Aww maritsa you're so EII

[shakealittle]

Woah after 14 days?!?!

Humm well in times of emotional stress my mind seems hyper-focussed on the issue causing all the problems. I blame it on Ne polr. I wish I could let my mind wander, I reckon it's a good thing

[Hemoglobin]

Woah after 14 days?!?!

Humm well in times of emotional stress my mind seems hyper-focussed on the issue causing all the problems. I blame it on Ne polr. I wish I could let my mind wander, I reckon it's a good thing

I know right, after nearly 5 years.

I'll be nice since he's a member/lurker on here.

[07490]

Woah after 14 days?!?!

Humm well in times of emotional stress my mind seems hyper-focussed on the issue causing all the problems. I blame it on Ne polr. I wish I could let my mind wander, I reckon it's a good thing

I know right, after nearly 5 years.

I'll be nice since he's a member/lurker on here.

doesn't that just mean he really loves you?

[FDG]

What's the problem about starting a new relationship if you were the one breaking it off?

[Hemoglobin]

What's the problem about starting a new relationship if you were the one breaking it off?

Oh it's not the fact that he went into a new relationship at all. That I don't care about, I guess more the sudden jumping into something new when still trying to work things out.

Mind you we broke up nearly a year ago, but it's still a heated topic.

[shakealittle]

Beta NFs are very different in their approach to these kinds of things though. Frustratingly different. I can totally see them jumping into another relationship quickly...with all the baggage from the previous relationship still not settled. Not only do they tend to do that, they can hold on to old relationships for a long time too....Ni maybe?

Eg. Person gets all the signals that a beta NF likes them, then when it comes down to the wire, person asks beta NF out....they then are shocked beta NF is indecisive, brings up that they are still not over someone else you never knew about.

To the OP: why are you still hanging out with the IEI and continue to be close? Distance may help the anger etc??

[thePirate]

WHY ARE ISTJS SO HAWT

[blackburry]

what a douche. if he was already with someone else in 14 days, you definitly dodged a bullet with him.

yep, my mind wanders alot anyways, but even more so when I'm stressed.

[FDG]

what a douche. if he was already with someone else in 14 days, you definitly dodged a bullet with him.

That's patently untrue if she was the one calling it off. Nothing wrong with starting a new relationship when one has ended.

[squark]

Humm well in times of emotional stress my mind seems hyper-focussed on the issue causing all the problems.

Yeah same. My mind doesn't wander. I focus intently on trying to get it resolved.

[Computer Loser]

Generally I'll try to put up with/avoid stress, but when I'm in conflict with someone I really care about, I'll try to resolve it right away.

As for mind wandering, either:

1) I'm so focused on what I need to be doing (homework, resolving an issue, deadline) that I probably won't paying attention to things outside me. My mind can only deal with one thing at a time, and each thing has to be resolved before I can focus on the next thing... So when someone talks to me and it seem like my mind is wandering, its actually just me hyper-focused on my responsibilities...or...

2) I'm uninterested in what you're saying so my mind is somewhere else.

[Hemoglobin]

Beta NFs are very different in their approach to these kinds of things though. Frustratingly different. I can totally see them jumping into another relationship quickly...with all the baggage from the previous relationship still not settled. Not only do they tend to do that, they can hold on to old relationships for a long time too....Ni maybe?

Eg. Person gets all the signals that a beta NF likes them, then when it comes down to the wire, person asks beta NF out....they then are shocked beta NF is indecisive, brings up that they are still not over someone else you never knew about.

To the OP: why are you still hanging out with the IEI and continue to be close? Distance may help the anger etc??

Okay that makes a lot of sense Thanks for explaining it for me.
As to why we're still friends?

5 years is a long time... a lot of love, compassion, and friendship is built during that time. Regardless of if we're in a relationship or not the feelings are still there that won't be easily lost. Losing him now as a friends would be like losing my left arm.

Another set of reasons and this is where practicality comes to mind:
a. We're family friends... our folks go on holidays away together, regular dinners, catch ups etc.

b. We're also colleagues. We have a working relationship and a relationship breakdown isn't going to kill our work ethic.

c. We're involved in a lot of activity groups together: ie gym, yoga, etc..

d. All of our friends are mutual friends. We have a very very close knit circle of friends and in order to maintain our group he and I put our emotional conflict aside and decided to behave like mature adults. The spat we had the other night was our first big fight we've had since we split. We made up straight away and things have gone back to normal.

WHY ARE ISTJS SO HAWT

It's all relative, my dear.

what a douche. if he was already with someone else in 14 days, you definitly dodged a bullet with him.

yep, my mind wanders alot anyways, but even more so when I'm stressed.

Nawww he's not a douche. He's actually this really gentle sweetie pie.

He has every right to have a new relationship (he's single now though), I was just shocked at the amount of time... that's all. In fact I'm happier when he's in relationships because to be honest, he seems happier.

[Beautiful sky]

Generally I'll try to put up with/avoid stress, but when I'm in conflict with someone I really care about, I'll try to resolve it right away.

As for mind wandering, either:

1) I'm so focused on what I need to be doing (homework, resolving an issue, deadline) that I probably won't paying attention to things outside me. My mind can only deal with one thing at a time, and can each thing has to be resolved before I can focus on the next thing... So when someone talks to me and it seem like my mind is wandering, its actually just me hyper-focused on my responsibilities...or...

2) I'm uninterested in what you're saying so my mind is somewhere else.

Humm well in times of emotional stress my mind seems hyper-focussed on the issue causing all the problems.

Yeah same. My mind doesn't wander. I focus intently on trying to get it resolved.

Your posts are identical. Same message/meaning; you both are focused on getting something resolved. I only wish our EII's on the forum could post the same way.

[blackburry]

what a douche. if he was already with someone else in 14 days, you definitly dodged a bullet with him.

That's patently untrue if she was the one calling it off. Nothing wrong with starting a new relationship when one has ended.

in this case i meant douche as in... rebounder. needs to be in a relationship type of person. i use name-calling very loosely.

[Lobo]

What seems to me is that you experienced loss of control over your emotions and then resorted to finding comfort by establishing order in your living environment. Doing math might be appealing too because it's a logical system, and might make you feel like you're in control of something. Something said during that fight with your ex probably make you realize a serious misconception you've had about your ex and his feelings toward you, which is what caused you to try and establish some kind of order and regain control of yourself. I think that this is common for Ijs. It's ultimately about adapting to sudden changes in your perception of things, and removing that need for control over things that are beyond your control.

[MisterNi]

So who called off the engagement? If he called it off and jumped into another relationship 14 days later, then he's the d-bag. If you called it off and he did what he did, well that sucks but maybe he was on the rebound and you should do the same.

[Hemoglobin]

What seems to me is that you experienced loss of control over your emotions and then resorted to finding comfort by establishing order in your living environment. Doing math might be appealing too because it's a logical system, and might make you feel like you're in control of something. Something said during that fight with your ex probably make you realize a serious misconception you've had about your ex and his feelings toward you, which is what caused you to try and establish some kind of order and regain control of yourself. I think that this is common for Ijs. It's ultimately about adapting to sudden changes in your perception of things, and removing that need for control over things that are beyond your control.

Wow thanks, that actually makes a bucket load of sense.

Thanks heaps for contributing.

So who called off the engagement? If he called it off and jumped into another relationship 14 days later, then he's the d-bag. If you called it off and he did what he did, well that sucks but maybe he was on the rebound and you should do the same.

At the time I was under the impression that it was a mutual separation... only further down the track did it come to light that it wasn't the case. He was willing to fight to fix it, and I wasn't anymore. Now it seems tables have turned and I'm trying to get him back into my life.

Regardless, I think you are right about him just rebounding around. I on the other hand have no intention of rebounding. For me it just causes too much emotional stress.

Thanks though

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I was actually more interested in cognition around the mind dissociating during times of stress... I guess I just used the fight as an example. I didn't actually expect advice or commentary on that lol. Maybe I should have just left all of that out.