ESE-EIE kindred relations (ESFj & ENFj)
WARNiNG: SUPER LONG MESSAGE
So I have been taking a course over the summer and have met this guy that I am currently studying with. Recently I have been being warned by nearly everyone that he has feelings for me. This idea is weird, because. . . well, how about I tell you why in detail from the beginning.
One day we met each other in class. He was instructing his group how to properly use a tool that we were using in class that I had never used before. Noticing that he was already teaching others (and that he seemed to have stopped instructing them at the moment) I asked for help. He was really nice and came to my aid right away. He actually ended up pretty much staying at my table the rest of the night instructing me how to use the tool.
The next class period he invited me to join his group, which I readily did since my group members had dropped out of the class. We ended up hitting it off and then he ended up giving me his number at the end of the class period (just in case I needed help studying.)
I debated it for a while, because all of my former study buddies that I have studied with (that were guys) ended up having feelings for me and it made several awkward situations. . . I wasn't sure that I wanted to take that chance. But he seemed friendlier then the others had been so I told myself that since he was an extrovert that he probably already had a girlfriend and that he most certainly wouldn't fall for me. So I called him back and we started studying in the study room.
One weekend we both ended up going to the school to see if the school was open and it wasn't so we decided to go to a coffee shop nearby to study. Lo and behold, two extroverts that have a challenging social life will = not much time studying and most of the time talking. So yeah, we ended up talking about just about everything. . . in fact, I made a random comment when we were talking about clothes, about how the style of his shirts seemed a bit dark to me. . . and how I like button downs on a guy.
Yep. You guessed it. Next class period he walks in with a blue striped button down shirt and some nice pants. Tbh, I didn't think much of it at the time, but now it seems rather amusing.
We kept going to the college to study and then we would end up going out to eat at a Chinese restaurant (a favorite of mine) or a coffee shop to get a bite to eat. He would insist that the books stay in the car while we eat and that we just talk. So, I figured why not? Just to keep my study buddy happy. . .
One day in class he asks me if I know of any good BBQ places around so I tell him about a place that one of my friends owns. He says awesome. The next day when the college wasn't open, he asks me if I want to go get some BBQ. I go "ok" and then without thinking follow him into his car where he already has a drink that he's bought for me and where he suggests that he just drives me to the point of destination. So I hop on in and let him take me.
On our way over we started talking about some pretty deep theological issues, on which we had quite the disagreement. At which point he says: "you know, we'd never work out. . ." I look at him and go, "yeah, we wouldn't." While my mind is going, why is his mind even there in the first place?
We then go in and enjoy the BBQ and then we start heading back to the college, where he then suggests that we get some studying done and that his place is right down the street. So I say to myself: "hmmm. . . not sure that's the best idea, but why not?" (We'd only known each other for a few weeks. . . weird.)
So we end up going into his apartment and studying. I honestly thought nothing of it until my friend pointed out that study buddies really don't do that. . . which my friendly extrovert self goes: "but extrovert study buddies do!"
After that I pulled back a bit and we studied a few times at the college campus together. One of the times there, I end up remembering that one of the first things out of his mouth when we had met had been, "you're fb friends with your professor but not me?!?" So I decided to friend him. The odd thing was I asked him what his last name was, and instead of giving it to me, he goes, "you should know what it is." So I spend a good half-hour at least trying to find him on fb, with him not pulling a single muscle to help out, which I thought was odd. . . finally, I find him, and lo and behold. . . he's engaged!Talk about shock!
He was clearly watching me to see what my reaction was and he goes: "you look disappointed." And I'm sitting there thinking, 'in all the times we were together these last three weeks you never even mentioned that you had a finance. . ." so I confront him about it, and he goes: "I said it would never work between us." And I sit there thinking, yeah, but. . . idk, don't engaged guys usually proclaim that they're hitched to the world around them? I mean, not saying anything just seems a bit weird to me. . .
So. . . after that I think about it and go, well, he's engaged so I guess since it's out in the open we can do things together and not worry about whether we have feelings for each other
A few days later we end up late at the college again, both of us being hungry and he asks me if I'd rather eat at his place or go to a particular fancy restaurant. Considering that I'm beginning to not trust him as much, I vote for the restaurant.
While there he sits close up next to me on the bench and broaches the subject of "love". () in which he asks me about whether I would be willing to change for whomever I loved. . . . it was an odd question. He then started talking about how he believes that when you love someone that you will change for them and that slowly and surely the two shall become one because they changed for the other person. I insisted that if you have any self-respect that no matter how much you may love someone, you will not change unless you actually can change and not feel like you violated your conscience. It is true, that the more you love someone, the easier it is to change for them. But again I insisted that true love is rare, beautiful and far between.
While eating I felt uncomfortable about what we were doing. The lighting was dim and the music romantic while the food gourmet, and everything just seemed. . . wrong. At the end of the meal he asked me what was making me so quiet and I told him that I had a thing for him but that I just didn't feel comfortable with it. In which he said, "well yeah, we would never work out." It was quiet for a bit and we just kind of held eye contact for a while until the waitress came out. Next thing I know, he's paid for the meal and he's asking me if I want to go back to his place to study. . . at that point I was feeling rather miserable and uncomfortable so I said, "no, I think we should call it a night." So we went home our separate ways.
After that I knew I had to really pull back emotionally or else I'd fall for a guy that I knew wasn't my type. . . so I started letting him do almost all of the talking. He got a bit angry with me for a bit since he thought that one of my friends had convinced me to avoid him when in all seriousness, I was busy. . . I was just not making him a high priority in my week like I had before.
We keep studying every now and then, and then talking in class. He keeps calling trying to make up times that we can get together and I keep having something that I have to do, (most of the time). Until I realize, I kind of need to study with him if I want to keep my grades up.
During that time (one of the times we got together) he says to me: "if you want to dump me, you can." I was surprised because I had actually been considering that, and it was like he could read my mind. . . but he looked so sad that I actually felt sorry for him. . . so I didn't know what to say.
Later on that night I decided that the benefits of having him were more important then the cons of him maybe having feelings for me and getting hurt. So we started hanging out more and studying again.
Next thing I knew, for some odd reason I invited him to my place and we were swimming and jogging together regularly as well as studying. . . we would have long talks about theology, psychology and our worldviews, and the differences between the way we looked at things, (myself being a conservative Christian and him being, not so much. . .)
It was enjoyable and I was learning a lot of the material when one day my professor ends up asking me if I realized that I was practically dating an engaged guy. And I go: "no, we're just study buddies. . ." And he's like, that's what you think. . . you two have been out to eat how many times? You've been at each others place how many times? And I started realizing that it had been several times. . . and then he asks how many weeks have you known him? And I begin to realize that it's only been about six weeks. . .
Then, one of my girl friends from class told me that she had been talking to him one day recently and had said: "You know, I think that you should find yourself another girl" (talking about his finance), and then he says: "I've been thinking about it."
Later on that day in class he says to her (in an argument, they argue all the time. . . ) that he wasn't dating her or I so why did x, y, z, matter? And then one of the guys listening in from our group pipes up and says: "you aren't dating one of them yet. . ." in which my study buddy ends up smirking, then blushing and then looking my way to. . .
Confusing. . .
The other day he told me that his finance is back in town and then he invited me over to study and to meet her. So I went and got to meet her, but then she went into a back room so that we could study. . . while studying we started talking about our differences in opinion on our worldviews, (yeah, he brings up this subject a lot. . .) and he ended up saying: "you know, to you our differences are huge, but to me they're small issues. They don't really matter. . ." he then cocks his head over my way as though he's trying to read a response from me. . . but I was confused as to what to say. . . I was thinking that obviously they don't matter. . .
Anyway, this all has been confusing to me. . . it's almost like he likes me, and yet, he doesn't. . . tbh, I'm quite confused as what to make of everything. . . if he does like me then why hasn't he said anything? And if he does, what should I do about it?
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Originally Posted by yellow82
