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Thread: Large differences in age in dual relationships

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    Default Large differences in age in dual relationships

    . . . and this one's a toughy.

    So, I know that we're all about finding our duals on this forum. But what if you find a dual and there's a remarkable age difference, and the other person is attracted to you and basically tells you that you're what they've been looking for all of their life? You know that you're both attracted to the other's personality, you enjoy each others company, but you're wary of the idea of a relationship because of the age difference. Like say, the guy's twice as old as the girl.

    He really doesn't look bad for his age, and I thought he was younger then what he ended up being. But I'm wary of getting into a relationship with someone that is twice as old as me.

    We have several common interests, and I enjoy his company. But the idea of marrying/dating him scares me. Should I just say, "I really like you as a friend but there's too much of an age difference here." Or, what would you recommend?

    Anyone been in this position before?

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    Quote Originally Posted by yellow82 View Post
    . . . and this one's a toughy.

    So, I know that we're all about finding our duals on this forum. But what if you find a dual and there's a remarkable age difference, and the other person is attracted to you and basically tells you that you're what they've been looking for all of their life? You know that you're both attracted to the other's personality, you enjoy each others company, but you're wary of the idea of a relationship because of the age difference. Like say, the guy's twice as old as the girl.

    He really doesn't look bad for his age, and I thought he was younger then what he ended up being. But I'm wary of getting into a relationship with someone that is twice as old as me.

    We have several common interests, and I enjoy his company. But the idea of marrying/dating him scares me. Should I just say, "I really like you as a friend but there's too much of an age difference here." Or, what would you recommend?

    Anyone been in this position before?
    I am often in this position since I often date much younger girls. If you like being with him, can't you just do that, and tell him that you're not sure if it will lead to anything but that you enjoy spending time with him, and that you'd like to do that. Then see what happens. Maybe the age difference is not that important after all, or maybe it is. Just spend time together and see what it will lead to. And honestly, what does age difference REALLY mean??

    BTW, this post sounds very Ni polr.

    My honest opinion: he is the one who has to be strong and take the lead in this case.

    EDIT: so great to have some ESEs on this forum

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    I don't think anyone can answer this for you. I'd ask myself what about the idea feels wrong, and decide if it's really justified or not. Do you feel that the age difference could lead to you being controlled or exploited somehow? Is the difference enough to where it lends both of you with a significantly different system of world views? Is it just social pressure not to deviate from some potential social norm because those close to you might begin to harbor ill opinion? Or might it be some ill-defined instinctive response to the idea?

    However you think of it, take the most cautious approach.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Valori View Post
    I don't think anyone can answer this for you. I'd ask myself what about the idea feels wrong, and decide if it's really justified or not. Do you feel that the age difference could lead to you being controlled or exploited somehow? Is the difference enough to where it lends both of you with a significantly different system of world views? Is it just social pressure not to deviate from some potential social norm because those close to you might begin to harbor ill opinion? Or might it be some ill-defined instinctive response to the idea?

    However you think of it, take the most cautious approach.
    took what i was thinking and made it better

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    Well, I've basically already told him how I feel about the age difference and then he said something along the lines of: "If I could rewind the clock ten years, I would. But I really can't help how old I am." It's like, a major awww moment, but, what can you do about it?

    To me, it's like, you're asking me to be in a relationship with somebody twice my age. I mean, doesn't he realize that my parents are going to wonder why I'm thinking about being in a relationship with a guy that's almost as old as they are?

    It's like, yes, you're nice. Yes, we're compatible. Yes, we have several common interests.

    But no, you're not the right age. Yes, my friends will think that I'm crazy. Yes, my parent's would be shocked, and yes, that matters.

    I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I like the guy, and I don't want to hurt him, but I really don't see things working out because I've always said that I wanted my family and friends to support who I marry, and I'm almost positive that they would disapprove of the match. . .

    Idk, I guess it is a social thing. Maybe because I'm ESE I'm feeling more pressure then most people would. . .

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    I think it's valid thing to be concerned about. It's important that that your SO is accepted by close ones unless you're willing to distance yourself from them which I typically wouldn't advise. Perhaps you could speak to your family about it. You could start by hinting at it to test the waters.

    One thing I just wanted to say is that you really shouldn't consider how you make him feel in this decision. This is a decision about you and what you need in a partner, and he should understand that. It may not be his fault that he's significantly older than you, but that's life.
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    Quote Originally Posted by yellow82 View Post
    Well, I've basically already told him how I feel about the age difference and then he said something along the lines of: "If I could rewind the clock ten years, I would. But I really can't help how old I am." It's like, a major awww moment, but, what can you do about it?

    To me, it's like, you're asking me to be in a relationship with somebody twice my age. I mean, doesn't he realize that my parents are going to wonder why I'm thinking about being in a relationship with a guy that's almost as old as they are?

    It's like, yes, you're nice. Yes, we're compatible. Yes, we have several common interests.

    But no, you're not the right age. Yes, my friends will think that I'm crazy. Yes, my parent's would be shocked, and yes, that matters.

    I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I like the guy, and I don't want to hurt him, but I really don't see things working out because I've always said that I wanted my family and friends to support who I marry, and I'm almost positive that they would disapprove of the match. . .

    Idk, I guess it is a social thing. Maybe because I'm ESE I'm feeling more pressure then most people would. . .
    Well they may be initially shocked but I'm sure they would eventually get over it once they get to know him if there aren't other issues. I don't think good friends and family would reject him solely based on age. My cousin dated someone who was 10 years older than her (she was 16 and he 26) and they eventually married and are still happily married a long time later.
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    A friend of mine married a woman in her early 30s when he was in his earlier 20s and they're still shacked up and breeding.

    Quote Originally Posted by yellow82 View Post
    Maybe because I'm ESE I'm feeling more pressure then most people would. . .
    Does this mean you lack a core identity or that you're ultimately reliant on outside validation to have self worth?

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    Quote Originally Posted by yellow82 View Post
    Idk, I guess it is a social thing. Maybe because I'm ESE I'm feeling more pressure then most people would. . .
    Aww! It's ok, I think it's a valid question.

    I too suffer from wanting a 'perfect' partner. But the age thing is kind of big. Reflects on experiences, maturity, goals in life, ETC. Hanging out with each other's groups of friends.

    Long story short, I would say 'no' to this guy, yellow82. If you can't picture yourself dating them or being married to them, DON'T GO FOR IT! It's that simple. FOR WHATEVER REASON. I think the only difference here is that the age is something he can't control. But that shouldn't change your decision. If he's not perfectly what YOU'RE looking for, and you can't envision marrying him one day, DON'T WASTE EACH OTHER'S TIME!

    That's my advice, from one ESE to another. Also, I don't know the situation, if you guys have met up yet or gone on a date, but I find this creepy:

    Quote Originally Posted by yellow82 View Post
    the other person is attracted to you and basically tells you that you're what they've been looking for all of their life?
    He tells someone half his age that you're what he's been looking for his entire life, and you haven't even met in person yet? That just seems weird and creepy to me. Like, why can't he find someone his own age? If you haven't met in person, how do you know it will be perfect? The guy seems a bit up in the clouds, and idealizing his image of you too much. And he seems kind of desperate too.

    Sorry to be insulting about him, I'm sure you like him a lot. But I'm just skeptical of him wanting to get with someone half his age. Without knowing him personally, just looking at it objectively, he seems like a weirdo.

    I know with socionics, the duality thing can seem awesome, and almost like perfection, but in reality I think the relationship would be strange and impractical. Bottom line, it sounds like his expectations of you are too high, trying to complete him and save his life, which can't work; and bottom line for you, the age difference, be it 15-20 years or more, would be very awkward and difficult to deal with.

    Tell him you're sorry and walk away, yellow82. Tell him you're doing it for his own good too, not to waste his time.


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    Quote Originally Posted by yellow82 View Post
    So, I know that we're all about finding our duals on this forum.
    'on this forum'. Just realized I could have misread that, and you know this guy in person.

    Regardless, I still think it's a bit manipulating to tell a young girl she's everything you're looking for your whole life, when you haven't dated very long, or not at all yet, and kind of creepy. Honest, yes. Cute, yes. But.................... pathetic, yes.

    I think it's nice to tell someone they're everything you're looking for. The "my whole life" sounds like it's been some kind of desperate crusade to find someone you'd like enough to marry. That's why I think it's desperate sounding.

    Whatever. Again, he doesn't know you that well, but he's trying to get with you, seems like he genuinely likes you, but he's twice your age, desperate, and not what you can envision marrying one day. So cut it off, and save your time and energy and heart.

    Find someone you can picture being married to some day, someone deep down you can truly be happy with, fulfill your every desire, someone you would be happy to wake up to each morning and smile at their face. Kiss them on their nose very softly, and be perfectly happy.

    If you can't picture dating or being married to the guy now, it won't change. Sometimes your first instinct is your best. Use your emotional instinct. Forget trying to rationalize with age, or trying to figure out why it's unacceptable. Or why you're having a weird feeling. If you're unhappy with him, or something seems off, I wouldn't bother if I were you. Save your time.

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    Would be interesting to get som facts. Yellow82, are you born in 1982? So you are 29? He is "twice your age", so 58? Is this correct or wrong?

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    i feel compelled to say i vehemently disagree with mountain dew's approach here with the apparent certainty about the motivations of someone he knows very liitle about and the hasty definitive answer to something you can only answer yourself. (also i'm pretty sure the word "weirdo" can never be used "objectively.") but since you're both ESEs maybe you'll be able to get something of value from it. just bfjsdk

    i'd like to enthusiastically second what azeroffs said about it being about YOUR decision about what YOU are looking for and you have every right to own that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by laghlagh View Post
    i feel compelled to say i vehemently disagree with mountain dew's approach here with the apparent certainty about the motivations of someone he knows very liitle about and the hasty definitive answer to something you can only answer yourself. (also i'm pretty sure the word "weirdo" can never be used "objectively.") but since you're both ESEs maybe you'll be able to get something of value from it. just bfjsdk
    Just to clarify, I do honestly think the guy has good motivations/intentions. It sounds like he's a nice guy. BUT. As much as they'd try, I don't think it'd work out long term. The guy is being too impractical, and the age difference is an issue.

    Quote Originally Posted by laghlagh View Post
    i'd like to enthusiastically second what azeroffs said about it being about YOUR decision about what YOU are looking for and you have every right to own that.
    I second this as well. (third it? ) Ultimately it's your choice yellow82, it's your life. Maybe you can be happy together, who knows.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nowisthetime View Post
    Would be interesting to get som facts. Yellow82, are you born in 1982? So you are 29? He is "twice your age", so 58? Is this correct or wrong?
    And I agree that some facts and actual numbers would be helpful for us too, if you don't mind sharing.

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    Quote Originally Posted by CILi View Post
    Could be off, but I thought she was, like, college-age 20-ish.
    Haha , that's what I thought too! I thought she said once before. And I remember wondering where the '82' from her username came from.

    ... Of course I could be completely off too.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nowisthetime View Post
    I am often in this position since I often date much younger girls. If you like being with him, can't you just do that, and tell him that you're not sure if it will lead to anything but that you enjoy spending time with him, and that you'd like to do that. Then see what happens. Maybe the age difference is not that important after all, or maybe it is. Just spend time together and see what it will lead to. And honestly, what does age difference REALLY mean??
    I think SEI (males at least) tend to appear much younger than they actually are. Two mature SEI guys I know (ex colleague 48 or so and father-in-law 50+) could IMO attract young girls easily, not necessarily because of their physical appearance, but the vibes they give. They are non-judgmental, one can discuss anything with them and they appear a bit naive. Another guy I met online, old too (50 or so, SEI I think), is a distro hopper and he's as curious as a teenageer, he learns a lot of things - mostly computers - and makes a lot of inventions.

    I would like to see pictures with you (I can send you pics with those two guys on e-mail or something).
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bardia View Post
    Well they may be initially shocked but I'm sure they would eventually get over it once they get to know him if there aren't other issues.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nowisthetime View Post
    And honestly, what does age difference REALLY mean??
    Quote Originally Posted by Mountain Dew View Post
    Long story short, I would say 'no' to this guy, yellow82.
    So far the most biased answers came from the SFs Myself included.



    Quote Originally Posted by The Ineffable View Post
    I think SEI (males at least) tend to appear much younger than they actually are.
    The most attractive older man I've met is an ILE relative. He is 50+. He isn't even that attractive physically. When my ex-girlfriend (IEE) saw him she immediately reacted "This guy could attract any woman, regardless of age". She was 23 at the time. He has a laid back coolness about him, combined with some sort of integrity and he doesn't seem to try to be cool at all, or keep up any role. He is a communist.

    I would like to see pictures with you (I can send you pics with those two guys on e-mail or something).
    I might be in touch about that later.

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    ESFJ's always feel like they need approval from the rest of the world in their life choices... At least that's what it feels like.

    I'd suggest not going there, Yellow... since you yourself will never get that out of your mind and that will always be an issue, even if it's only subconsciously. You'll always look for validation from everyone else and more times than not find that people will look at you like it's wrong that you're with someone your parents age.

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    Thanks MountainDew! It's good to know that I'm not alone in my opinion on the matter. As much as an INTj would probably be able to logically deduce the situation into being an impractical factor, this really irks me to the core of my impractical being.

    I really like the guy. There's no question of that. But, everything feels awkward. If we were friends, everything would be great. But all of those feelings that he has towards me are kind of creeping me out, and the bad thing is, I know he loves me for ME! It's like, I know it's not my physical looks he's into, and that is SO hard to find. (For most guys like me for my looks, and then maybe a few other things. ) But he loves me for my personality, and what I'm into, and I feel really bad for not being able to push the fact of the age difference aside, because I want a man that will love me when I'm gray haired and everything's falling apart. . .

    I do think his intentions are pure, and I wouldn't feel bad at all for introducing him as a friend to everyone I know. But the age difference. . .

    I'd say what the age difference is, but I don't feel comfortable giving out that information on a public forum. Let's say it's within the range of 15-30 years difference.

    10-15 years is nothing, I wouldn't feel uncomfortable dating a guy that much older then I am. But this is different. And it came in the most unexpected way. . . I just, Idk. It's so unheard of around here, and I'm not the type that goes against the grain very often. . .

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    Oh, and to answer the question. Yes, I do know him personally. I don't meet people on forums. I have enough attention from guys as is.

    And we've talked quite a lot, several hours in fact. . . yeah, we know each other pretty well, and for various reasons that I won't name here, that only makes the situation more awkward.

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    You're not sure, check it for yourself, then.

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    Sometimes life experience can be more important than actual age. Like, has either of you been married before? Do either of you have children from a previous relationship? Are you both more or less virgins? Or has one of you slept around a lot? Have you both had successful careers? Or are you both living in your parents' basements?

    What other differences/commonalities do you have? Do you share the same or similar religious, social, and cultural background or outlook?

    There's more to look at here than just psychological compatibility and age.

    Can you continue to keep him as just a friend? Or are you "past the point of no return"? And, if so, can you stand to lose him if you reject him as a boyfriend/husband?
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    I would personally be uncomfortable with someone that much older than I am, because I think it puts the relationship on less than an equal level. However, that's just me personally. You'll need to decide for yourself how you feel about it.
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    Sometimes life experience can be more important than actual age.
    True.

    Like, has either of you been married before?
    Nope.

    Do either of you have children from a previous relationship?
    Nope.

    Are you both more or less virgins?
    Hmmm. . . I am. I haven't asked him that question though. Good question to ask. He seems like the type though that if he did, it was a mistake early on in his life.

    Or has one of you slept around a lot?
    \

    I seriously doubt it.

    Have you both had successful careers?
    Well, I'm going through college right now, and he has a successful career. So, I will. But yeah. . . that might be an issue. Although our career field choices are incredibly similar.

    Or are you both living in your parents' basements?
    Haha, ummm, no. Neither of us. Lol.

    What other differences/commonalities do you have?
    Differences: Age. And, the way we were schooled. . . but he said he was planning on schooling his kids like the way I was schooled so I don't see it as a big issue.

    Do you share the same or similar religious, social, and cultural background or outlook?
    Pretty similar. Same religion, basically the same culture that we're going into. Our goals in life are similar, our worldviews are similar, yeah, there's a lot of similarities.

    Can you continue to keep him as just a friend? Or are you "past the point of no return"? And, if so, can you stand to lose him if you reject him as a boyfriend/husband?
    Yeah, I'm pretty sure we can still be friends if I say no. And yes, I could stand to lose him.

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    I really like the guy. There's no question of that. But, everything feels awkward. If we were friends, everything would be great. But all of those feelings that he has towards me are kind of creeping me out, and the bad thing is, I know he loves me for ME! It's like, I know it's not my physical looks he's into, and that is SO hard to find. (For most guys like me for my looks, and then maybe a few other things. ) But he loves me for my personality, and what I'm into, and I feel really bad for not being able to push the fact of the age difference aside, because I want a man that will love me when I'm gray haired and everything's falling apart. . .
    LIIs are really big about the physical aspect, quite frankly. They are very, VERY lustful and will splurge on sensory pleasures if given the opportunity. This is one reason they are compatible with ESEs -- ESEs go out of their way to gratify others.

    I do think his intentions are pure, and I wouldn't feel bad at all for introducing him as a friend to everyone I know. But the age difference. . .

    I'd say what the age difference is, but I don't feel comfortable giving out that information on a public forum. Let's say it's within the range of 15-30 years difference.

    10-15 years is nothing, I wouldn't feel uncomfortable dating a guy that much older then I am. But this is different. And it came in the most unexpected way. . . I just, Idk. It's so unheard of around here, and I'm not the type that goes against the grain very often. . .
    That's way too old. You'll regret it when he starts falling apart in ten years. Hell without Viagra he'd probably be unable to get it up by that time. Move on.

    It may be he just wants a child, that he delayed too long for love of the sensory life and has missed his generation's window of opportunity. It sounds like he needs to get over himself and make one of HIS cohort's dreams come true before time slips by her. And if he does already have them... move on.

    Simply put, this guy is running from responsibility. He's not accepting that the people in his life matter just as much as he does. He's chosen to exalt his own pleasure at the expense of others' pleasure -- the cardinal sin of LII. The closer you get to him, the more apparent will be the signs of his excess. Do you really want to live with someone like that?

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    Quote Originally Posted by tcaudilllg View Post
    LIIs are really big about the physical aspect, quite frankly. They are very, VERY lustful and will splurge on sensory pleasures if given the opportunity. This is one reason they are compatible with ESEs -- ESEs go out of their way to gratify others.



    That's way too old. You'll regret it when he starts falling apart in ten years. Hell without Viagra he'd probably be unable to get it up by that time. Move on.

    It may be he just wants a child, that he delayed too long for love of the sensory life and has missed his generation's window of opportunity. It sounds like he needs to get over himself and make one of HIS cohort's dreams come true before time slips by her. And if he does already have them... move on.

    Simply put, this guy is running from responsibility. He's not accepting that the people in his life matter just as much as he does. He's chosen to exalt his own pleasure at the expense of others' pleasure -- the cardinal sin of LII. The closer you get to him, the more apparent will be the signs of his excess. Do you really want to live with someone like that?
    Wow!

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    Quote Originally Posted by yellow82 View Post
    Thanks MountainDew! It's good to know that I'm not alone in my opinion on the matter.
    I'm glad I could be of help!

    Quote Originally Posted by tcaudilllg View Post
    LIIs are really big about the physical aspect, quite frankly. They are very, VERY lustful and will splurge on sensory pleasures if given the opportunity. This is one reason they are compatible with ESEs -- ESEs go out of their way to gratify others.
    I've always wondered about this! Not to derail the thread, but. I had the impression that INTjs were very shy physically, because of this:

    Quote Originally Posted by http://www.socionics.com/prof/intj2.htm
    They miserably fail to understand the basic needs of their bodies and therefore do not address them as a first priority. This goes for food and sex too. But do INTjs enjoy tasty food and sex? Sure, when you stick it under their noses. And what do they do to have plenty of fine food and meaningless sex? Precisely nothing. The latter one could be explained by the fact that by default INTjs are socially handicapped. Combined with their closely guarded fear of intimacy, this makes it pretty hard for INTjs to get laid, resulting in many INTjs being either virgins or remaining celibate for a long time.
    I went out on a date recently with an LII, thought everything fit in terms of functions, interactions, etc., had a great time, and then was surprised when she came onto me at the end! So thanks for mentioning that tcaudilllg, I appreciate it. Helps me understand better.

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    EffyCold The Ineffable's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tcaudilllg View Post
    LIIs are really big about the physical aspect, quite frankly. They are very, VERY lustful and will splurge on sensory pleasures if given the opportunity. This is one reason they are compatible with ESEs -- ESEs go out of their way to gratify others.
    You should be retyped IEI by force, IMO. That's already clear in any possible interpretation.
    Shock intuition, diamond logic.
     

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    Ti centric krieger's Avatar
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    yeah, probably beta NF.

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    You are ESE
    Hello

    It's hard enough finding a dual, do you want to worry about the age difference? I wouldn't if I were you, but you're an extravert and being one means you need the outside approval just as much as you being comfortable with the matter, shrug...

    Don't let a good thing go by.

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    Darn Socks Director Abbie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa33 View Post
    It's hard enough finding a dual
    ...No, it's not. It's just hard finding the right dual.

    ESTj
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    No, it's not. It's just hard finding the right dual.
    Aristocratic in a nutshell.
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    If the age difference really bothers you that much you shouldn't feel bad about it or anything, and there's really no invalid reason to not want to be with someone if they're not your type (and I don't mean in the Socionics sense) different strokes for different folks and all

    In the end, you have to ask yourself if the age difference is too much of distraction for you, or if you like this guy so much that you'll overlook it, but if you can't it's "okay"
    EII INFj
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    not gonna be around as much anymore
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    Are you prepared to be an early widow? Are you prepared to be a single mother, should the two of you have children and then he die before they're grown up?
    My life's work (haha):
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    Input, PLEASEAnd thank you

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    <something> Wynch's Avatar
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    Forget the touchy feely stuff.

    Please to consult my chart:

    ILE
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    Very busy with work. Only kind of around.

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    The Iniquitous inumbra's Avatar
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    I don't know... I mean I guess I wouldn't think about "duality" so much about it but just treat it like anything else in that you think you're in love presumably with someone. It's just he's way older. I mean it just depends if you feel like going on with it. Also I mean it could fall apart before it even gets to the question of marriage. I think for me the biggest consideration, lamely, would be that what if I did get married to him and was highly attached to the extent I couldn't pull away and then of course I'd have to take care of him when he gets old and decrepit which would probably "waste" years of my life (in my current conception of "my life" before the relationship changes everything and how I think/feel about it) and age me as well. I don't know. I'd probably just cautiously withdraw from the situation before it's too late and I get hooked. I mean at the very least I wouldn't actively encourage it and this way I could feel in the process of "deciding" and not have to deal with it. I guess I shouldn't open a dating advice column.

    Also sometimes people old enough to be your father start acting like your father. And that is scary.

  36. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vero View Post
    Forget the touchy feely stuff.

    Please to consult my chart:



    I love this! Couldn't stop laughing.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Vero View Post
    Forget the touchy feely stuff.

    Please to consult my chart:

    Is this about men or women?

  38. #38
    Samuel the Gabriel H. MisterNi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa33 View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Vero View Post
    Forget the touchy feely stuff.

    Please to consult my chart:

    Is this about men or women?
    It seems gender neutral.

    Also, I don't like this chart...as an NT male, I dream of the day of marrying an 18 year old bombshell at the ripe young age of 75.

    IEE Ne Creative Type

    Some and role lovin too. () I too...
    !!!!!!

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    lmao this post is forever old
    still found it interesting
    don't give a rats arse if my family approves of who i date. couldn't care less
    love is love. ya dig
    but age gaps DO matter. don't feel like marrying a 99 year old man to have him die in a few weeks
    no thx

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