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Thread: 16 weddings and a funeral

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    Default 16 weddings and a funeral

    I realized recently that I might not actually want a wedding, and how odd that might be as a 30-something American female. I love my fiance very much and want to be with him, so it's not a matter of not wanting to be married. I'm just considering a nice, simple courthouse affair with no dress and basic witnesses (not even a reception after) and it's sounding better and better by the moment.

    I don't want this to be pinpointed to valuing a certain function over another, since I don't think it's as simple as my valuing Fi over Fe. (I'm certain of my type, so no need to go into that.) Rather, I'm more interested in how people of the various types would approach the scenario: not terribly bonded to your family and a small circle of friends/workmates that you'd tell about the marriage outside of a formal celebration anyway. A fiance that would be okay with whatever you decide. What do you do, and why?

    (An aside: I feel more vested in whether or not my funeral happens than my wedding. Kind of makes me wonder if I'm strange.)

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    Darn Socks Director Abbie's Avatar
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    I figure I'd like a wedding so the bride's extended family can meet the groom's extended family.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    ഗന᎕ᒹ ±ᗉᚔXᙂഗ woofwoofl's Avatar
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    I don't want to ever get married

    If I'm around someone and someone's around me, it should be because we like to be around each other, not because we're legally obligated to be stuck with each other - if someone's sick of me, then they should be around other people

    As far as the funeral goes, why the hell would I want a bunch of people to be sad? give the usable pieces to science or compost, incinerate the bones, and take the best parts of my persona (there's lots to choose from) and make them a part of yourself

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    Yay! Freedom.



    I am so disliking of non-meaningful-to-you-personally conventions (and also the sexism against both parties in many ceremonial traditions) that I'd incredibly alter a regular marriage ceremony. I guess I'd still want some sort of verbal speech by my partner and by myself to each other, instead of just signing papers and copying the judge. But simplicity and personal meaning appeal to me. I think, having seen a LOT of broken up relationships and marriages since I was small, that one's loved ones knowing and evaluating and giving feedback on a partner, or at least you being able to observe their reactions, can be helpful.


    I like the idea of planning a funeral. So many are done so badly that I've seen in movies or been to.
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    Quote Originally Posted by woofwoofl View Post
    I don't want to ever get married

    If I'm around someone and someone's around me, it should be because we like to be around each other, not because we're legally obligated to be stuck with each other - if someone's sick of me, then they should be around other people


    Marriage is just a crap social convention. Such a deep, meaningful bond needs only be acknowledged by you and your partner - I don't see why it should be any business of the state, God, or anyone else.

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    Quote Originally Posted by woofwoofl View Post
    I don't want to ever get married

    If I'm around someone and someone's around me, it should be because we like to be around each other, not because we're legally obligated to be stuck with each other - if someone's sick of me, then they should be around other people

    As far as the funeral goes, why the hell would I want a bunch of people to be sad? give the usable pieces to science or compost
    This.

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    No way. I'm having a wedding. A traditional one; hopefully in my church with lots of family and friends. Period.

    I know the person who loves me and wants to spend his life with me will go along with the traditional route even if they aren't all that religious.

    I can be very demanding about this, I guess. But, I don't care.

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    After I get a couple of bills taken care of, and daughter moves out of house, then Richard and I will likely marry. Mostly for legal and paperwork reasons. We're committed to each other, regardless of whether we have a marriage certificate or not.

    When it does happen, it will likely be done at his parent's home. His close family members, my close family members, possibly a friend or two. His brother-in-law has the ability to marry people...so he'll likely perform the service for us. Probably a potluck dinner, casual clothes or somewhat better, but definitely not formal.

    We'll have a separate gathering for..uh...friends...only. No family allowed, lol. This one will likely be clothing optional, or some sort. Maybe 80's music playing. (We're actually going to an 80's themed ceremony in July, lol.) There may be a more..uh...formal-ish activity at this one.


    As for my funeral. I want there to be a party. I don't want people to mourn my departedness. I'd rather they celebrate my life. Share stories and memories. Eat, Drink, and Be Merry.
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    firstly, welcome to the forum *waves*

    Marriage is important to me and I'd like to share that bond with the person I love amongst the people we love, but I don't particularly care for having a "wedding" either, although I wouldn't be adverse to one if it was important to my fiancee (when or if I get one )
    A lot of it could be due to me just not having a big family; I basically just grew-up with my parents and brother, since my mom was adopted and is estranged from her adoptive family, and my dads family were mainly killed in the war, except for a sister, niece and nephew and some cousins living in Germany and Australia, but I've never been close with them due to the distance.
    So I realize I'm an exception since most people tend to grow up with relative, and thus they'll have more of a need to have a wedding just for that alone.

    So yeah, I'm pretty much with you on how I'd "like" to go about getting married. Have a nice meal and small ceremony, nothing loud, I don't like parties, dances and general social gathering as well so it's a plus for me getting to avoid one.
    I'm also kind of put off on downing thousands of dollars on one day, I'd rather put that money into going on a nice honeymoon and on our home and kids futures
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    My "mother-in-law" wants us to marry, my girlfriend opposes but I don't care - since it means nothing to me it's anyway irrelevant whether we marry or not. My condition is to avoid any trouble: wasting time and money on preparations, I would not waste a penny for such thing.

    Funeral however, that's a different matter . I have some idea in my mind but I don't think it will happen my way, additionally it would not matter to me that time, so it's not important. I wish something more... Victorian, rain atmosphere, yeah. A superstition says that it rains on the funeral of someone who hates cats, though I don't hate cats, so I need a change in my perspective just in case .

    (I was also thinking of starting a funeral service company, *real* funeral services not the narrow-minded crap on the market. Something varied, but at the same time very select - eg goth, Halloween, Disney and such kitschy themes are out of the question. Would require great investment, though.)
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    I do wanna get married, but only to someone id be able to stand being around for a long ass time. On the beach. with no more than 15 people there.
    not in las vegas, courthouse, church.


    funeral...i want to be cremated, so problem solved. my ashes spread by a few loved ones in the ocean.

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    A wedding? Yeah, a decent but modest celebration with close friends and family. Church? Not necessarily. A funeral? I couldn't care less about that. I'll be dead by then so why bother?
    „Man can do what he wants but he cannot want what he wants.“
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    I have conflicting thoughts over a wedding. The religiosity of them is in contrast to my non-affiliation with any religion. I'm also not one to enjoy a large gathering of people I don't really know or would not engage in conversation with. Yet, at the same time, I have an affinity towards tradition, and would actually like to have the marital experience(albeit with someone who is definitely worth it, to me): dance, cake, music and everything just for the goofiness of it all.

    So yeah, if I do, which actually wouldn't come a day sooner than after I'd spend a considerable amount of time getting to know someone and finding out we're great friends and living mates, it'd be a small gathering of close people and not really just a list of the extended relatives.



    Funeral? I'll be dead then. Do whatever.
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    I am pretty much in full agreement with the OP. My boyfriend and I will likely get married in a few months--mostly for legal and monetary reasons. We'll probably have some of his family fly in, and throw a small party. I have absolutely no desire for a big, stressful, expensive wedding. Pretending to know distant cousins and dancing with weird relatives; no thanks.

    I don't care much about my funeral. My only desire is for it to be secular because anything else would greatly misrepresent me.

    (I self-type EII.)

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    I don't see the point of funerals. Just toss the body in a hole and don't wear any yellow for a week in rememberance of me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    Quote Originally Posted by April View Post
    We'll probably have some of his family fly in, and throw a small party. I have absolutely no desire for a big, stressful, expensive wedding. Pretending to know distant cousins and dancing with weird relatives; no thanks.
    Not to just single out this post, but you hit on something I've been thinking about.

    Generally, I'd say like 90% of people under the age of 25 want a small wedding. The days of huge, distant family, "traditional" weddings are done away with because:

    1) Distance. Due to modern economics, people move away for jobs. People have family members scattered in different states. Takes longer and more organization to invite everyone.

    2) 'Closeness'. Not the physical distance. But because people are so far away, family members often get out of touch with one another, and don't know each other as well.

    3) Risk of future embarassment. Let's face it. Divorce rates are still very high in the U.S., roughly 40%, having peaked before at 50%. The days of 20-30 years ago, 'till death do you part', seem long forgotten. Marriage is a tough commitment to keep, especially economically, where one or both parents are working full-time jobs and never see each other. Very easy to forget the importance of spending time with your loved one. Anyway. With divorce so common, why have a huge wedding, when someday you might have to explain to all these people why you got divorced?

    4) Cost. Hey, weddings can be expensive. Renting a place and/or a bar, for dozens, hundreds of guests, can cost $20k, $40k+, depending what you get. And most people 25 and younger are skeptical towards getting into debt, especially with the recent economic crash, and the outrageous costs of college. Why get into more debt over a wedding?

    5) Socialization. This is a cultural reason. Today, more than ever, people are chatting online, text message, email... dare I say phone, or is that becoming outdated too? Let's face it, today in 2011, most young people aren't accustomed to face-to-face communication. And feel awkward doing it. Especially with strangers.

    Unless people grew up in a very close family, or have strong beliefs of tradition, I think most young people don't feel the need to pay exuberant amounts of money for both the risk of embarrassing yourself to more people one day through divorce or for the awkwardness of socializing with people you don't know that well, not to mention the headaches of organizing everything together.

    I would not recommend to any young person a career in wedding planning haha.

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    Darn Socks Director Abbie's Avatar
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    Cost and distance are the issues for me. Nice list, Mountain Dew.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

  19. #19
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    And forgot to mention:

    6) Speed. People today are simply used to society getting faster, techonology, things being quickly. On a macro level, people are becoming more results oriented than process oriented. "Google" is now a verb. College students don't feel the need to listen through professor lectures, or read an entire book, when they can get an answer quickly. A lot of the work ethic, enjoy-the-journey attitude people once had, even 15-20 years ago, is lost.

    Culturally, there's less reason to enjoy the wedding ceremony. People are busy and have other stuff to do. The ceremony, today, is seen by more and more people as a means to an end, a way to finally legally get married, rather than an occasion to be heralded in itself.

    ... I could give more reasons, but you get my point. I don't feel this is necessarily related to funtion or type. On a widescale level, this is the attitude that more and more people are adopting, for whatever reason.

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    Thanks DA.

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    We had a very small wedding, and I would have been happy with something at the courthouse if not for family members.

    I would have been fine with not getting married except that i met my husband when he was visiting the US from overseas and I couldn't afford to support him so he needed a green card. That thing gay people say about marriage being a right because so many rights come with it? That's true. Without those rights, my husband and I would not be together.
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    As far as a traditional wedding goes, I think I'll keep the "obey" part in the vows, but I don't want my dad to give me away because he doesn't own me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mountain Dew View Post
    1) Distance. Due to modern economics, people move away for jobs. People have family members scattered in different states. Takes longer and more organization to invite everyone.
    *off-topic*

    That may change, we're running out of oil. I fear we will suffer a great shock - especially the grossly capitalist American society - because we'll be unprepared. Like other situations where resources are depleted - eg the IPV4 story - people ignore the warnings (in fact they can't even conceive life differently than what they got used to), but unlike the former, this will be nasty, because we have no alternatives and we depend on this resource for everything, including subsistence and developing these alternatives. So use the bike and get a job closer to your place while you can .
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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    As far as a traditional wedding goes, I think I'll keep the "obey" part in the vows, but I don't want my dad to give me away because he doesn't own me.
    Why?

    You say that your father doesn't own you, but doesn't retaining that specific part of the original vows essentially mean you are admitting ownership to your husband?

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Ineffable View Post
    *off-topic*

    That may change, we're running out of oil. I fear we will suffer a great shock - especially the grossly capitalist American society - because we'll be unprepared. Like other situations where resources are depleted - eg the IPV4 story - people ignore the warnings (in fact they can't even conceive life differently than what they got used to), but unlike the former, this will be nasty, because we have no alternatives and we depend on this resource for everything, including subsistence and developing these alternatives. So use the bike and get a job closer to your place while you can .
    I'd rather not speculate about unknowns into the future...

    But I disagree with both your thought process and conclusion.

    1) Oil is not something which we'll immediately run out of... a) we'll see signs of extraction slowing first, b) the limit from OPEC removed, and c) the price gradually rise as supply diminishes.
    2) Even if we do run out of oil, we already have developed other energy sources to use. Fuel from corn, hydrogen-based fuel, more efficient energy harnessed from wind power, etc. etc. The reason we don't use these already is because it's not quite cost effective yet; our abundance of oil is cheap in cost. We'll probably replace gasoline pumps in the next 20 years or so anyway, and be fueling up with a hydrogen-based energy source.

    So sorry, but "because we have no alternatives" is simply misinformed. America will not run out of oil anytime soon, and when/if we do, it will neither be "nasty" nor "a great shock".

    And as for the conclusion... I encourage people to get a job away from home, outside of their comfort zones, so they can see the world, and grow. My least favorite statistic all-time, is that 50% of Americans live within 50 miles of where they were born. In today's society of international travel, with planes, buses, trains, etc., it's amazing how little people will step outside their bubbles and try something new.

    Sorry for the rant. And sorry to get off-topic. But to tie it back on-track. In the future, as energy gets cheaper, travel gets less expensive, and families continue to become more widespread as people are willing to move for higher pay, and jobs get outsourced in a global economy, people will get more and more out of touch with extended family and continue to have less reason/desire to host big weddings in the future.

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    I've thought about getting married somewhere besides a church, mostly as a rebellious, middle finger-esque move to the "must get married in a church" mindset. God is everywhere, so a ceremony on a beach is no less holy than one in a church. I don't know about length; I don't want to be bored to tears.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mountain Dew View Post
    ...
    I answered here: http://www.the16types.info/vbulletin...170#post778170
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    Getting married on the beach is risky, Ryene. What if it's windy that day?

    Quote Originally Posted by Valori View Post
    Why?

    You say that your father doesn't own you, but doesn't retaining that specific part of the original vows essentially mean you are admitting ownership to your husband?
    Not admitting ownership to; more like yielding to. But the main point is that there's a choice in the matter.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    Yield what? I don't get it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Valori View Post
    Yield what? I don't get it.
    As in he'll have the final say in most circumstances.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    Getting married on the beach is risky, Ryene. What if it's windy that day?
    LOL @ Si. It's the idea what matters, Abbie .
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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    As in he'll have the final say in most circumstances.
    Why would you want that?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mountain Dew View Post
    Not to just single out this post, but you hit on something I've been thinking about.

    Generally, I'd say like 90% of people under the age of 25 want a small wedding. The days of huge, distant family, "traditional" weddings are done away with because:

    1) Distance. Due to modern economics, people move away for jobs. People have family members scattered in different states. Takes longer and more organization to invite everyone.

    2) 'Closeness'. Not the physical distance. But because people are so far away, family members often get out of touch with one another, and don't know each other as well.

    3) Risk of future embarassment. Let's face it. Divorce rates are still very high in the U.S., roughly 40%, having peaked before at 50%. The days of 20-30 years ago, 'till death do you part', seem long forgotten. Marriage is a tough commitment to keep, especially economically, where one or both parents are working full-time jobs and never see each other. Very easy to forget the importance of spending time with your loved one. Anyway. With divorce so common, why have a huge wedding, when someday you might have to explain to all these people why you got divorced?

    4) Cost. Hey, weddings can be expensive. Renting a place and/or a bar, for dozens, hundreds of guests, can cost $20k, $40k+, depending what you get. And most people 25 and younger are skeptical towards getting into debt, especially with the recent economic crash, and the outrageous costs of college. Why get into more debt over a wedding?

    5) Socialization. This is a cultural reason. Today, more than ever, people are chatting online, text message, email... dare I say phone, or is that becoming outdated too? Let's face it, today in 2011, most young people aren't accustomed to face-to-face communication. And feel awkward doing it. Especially with strangers.

    Unless people grew up in a very close family, or have strong beliefs of tradition, I think most young people don't feel the need to pay exuberant amounts of money for both the risk of embarrassing yourself to more people one day through divorce or for the awkwardness of socializing with people you don't know that well, not to mention the headaches of organizing everything together.

    I would not recommend to any young person a career in wedding planning haha.
    good points


    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    Getting married on the beach is risky, Ryene. What if it's windy that day?


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  34. #34
    Darn Socks Director Abbie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Valori View Post
    Why would you want that?
    Then it'll be his responsibility. None of this, "My wife made me eat the fruit!" nonsense.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    Wouldn't a misogynist also be the type of person to encourage your subordination in the first place? It's your choice, but it seems to me that your efforts to avoid one evil are merely playing into the hands of its other aspect. Best of luck to you.

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    what is essential is invisible to the eye fox's Avatar
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    I could never imagine myself getting married. If I ever do I'd prefer to get eloped. Nothing big or extravagant.

    My death? Not sure If I'd prefer to get buried or cremated. I always thought it'd be cool to one day have my bones dug up & excavated hundreds of years from now; but the chances of that happening are slim. It'd be even cooler if I was cremated & my ashes were dispensed in outer space, but the chances of that happening are even slimmer. Idk. Whatever.

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    Ti centric krieger's Avatar
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    i'd probably do it to please the Fi types in my family. you gotta throw them a bone sometimes.

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    Quote Originally Posted by CILi View Post
    Funeral: I've always sorta wanted my body eaten (by whoever, whatever, ...prob'ly won't much matter to me then).
    Long as you're dead first. That could probably be arranged...dogfood?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    boom boom boom blackburry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starfall View Post
    My death? Not sure If I'd prefer to get buried or cremated. I always thought it'd be cool to one day have my bones dug up & excavated hundreds of years from now; but the chances of that happening are slim. It'd be even cooler if I was cremated & my ashes were dispensed in outer space, but the chances of that happening are even slimmer. Idk. Whatever.
    dude. i didn't think of that. that would be pretty cool, they could refashion the facial bones, use technology to see exactly what you looked like. however, nowdays those means are usually used primarily on murder victims. so cremated it is.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    Getting married on the beach is risky, Ryene. What if it's windy that day?
    Quote Originally Posted by The Ineffable View Post
    LOL @ Si. It's the idea what matters, Abbie .
    ^That.
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