Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 40 of 49

Thread: How do you get an ESFj to say "I love you"?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    South Korea
    TIM
    INTJ - intuitive sub
    Posts
    214
    Mentioned
    12 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default How do you get an ESFj to say "I love you"?

    I'm certain ESFJ's love and I'm certain INTJ's love and I'm certain I've told a ESFJ that I've loved them or made it incredibly clear how I felt but unfortunately I have yet to meet an ESFJ who can say "I love you" - what's the deal?

  2. #2
    Haikus
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    8,337
    Mentioned
    15 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    My ISFp friend was always skeptical of people saying they love her, and she didn't like saying it all that much. So maybe it's the same thing. My ESFj relatives seem not to have a problem saying it, while other relatives don't say it. It could be that the ESFjs you know are young and not wanting their feelings to be committed that way, and so don't trust themselves with saying something that significant. is supposed to be objective, anyway.

  3. #3
    Banned
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    TIM
    LSE
    Posts
    18,006
    Mentioned
    162 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)

    Default

    Buy her candy.

  4. #4
    expired Lotus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    TIM
    Se/Ni sx/sp
    Posts
    4,494
    Mentioned
    99 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    someone's not in love with me whyyyyyyyyyyyyy
    maybe a saint is just a dead prick with a good publicist
    maybe tommorow's statues are insecure without their foes
    go ask the frog what the scorpion knows

  5. #5

    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    TIM
    ESE-C [Enneagram-2]
    Posts
    265
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I say "I love you" only when I mean it and when I feel secure in the relationship. Not a minute before.

    If an ESE says that they love you, believe us, we mean every word.

  6. #6
    Haikus
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    8,337
    Mentioned
    15 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by yellow82 View Post
    If an ESE says that they love you, believe us, we mean every word.
    *sigh*

  7. #7
    Darn Socks Director Abbie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Southwest USA
    TIM
    LSE
    Posts
    6,728
    Mentioned
    237 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by chip View Post
    How do you get an ESFJ to say "I love you"?
    Find an overly-friendly one and be their friend. It's easy.

    ESTj
    1w2 sp/so 1-2-6
    Brilliand's Younger Sister
    Squishy's Older Sister

    Johari Nohari

    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

  8. #8
    Sir Knight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    523
    Mentioned
    4 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by chip View Post
    I'm certain ESFJ's love and I'm certain INTJ's love and I'm certain I've told a ESFJ that I've loved them or made it incredibly clear how I felt but unfortunately I have yet to meet an ESFJ who can say "I love you" - what's the deal?
    Well, you see, the easiest way to accomplish this is to break out the Chafe-Away Bondage Rope and the thumb-screws and promise one half-turn of the screw every time they don't say "I love you" when you say it first. Also, threaten a quarter-turn of the screws if they don't sound like they mean it.
    4w5 sp/sx

    Please, direct all questioning of my self-typing to this thread. Thank you.

  9. #9

    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    South Korea
    TIM
    INTJ - intuitive sub
    Posts
    214
    Mentioned
    12 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    "I say "I love you" only when I mean it and when I feel secure in the relationship. Not a minute before.

    If an ESE says that they love you, believe us, we mean every word. :-)" care to elaborate alittle further? especially the part about feeling secure.

  10. #10
    Banned
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    2,934
    Mentioned
    80 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Get a nice income. Then ESEs will love you.

  11. #11
    Snomunegot munenori2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Kansas
    TIM
    Introvert sp/sx
    Posts
    7,739
    Mentioned
    30 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by yellow82 View Post
    If an ESE says that they love you, believe us, we mean every word.
    I think that's a sign of maturity, probably true of every type in their best examples. But I don't mean to sound disagreeable. I've got a lot of respect for people that don't say "I love you" flippantly. It's oddly reassuring, to be honest.
    Moonlight will fall
    Winter will end
    Harvest will come
    Your heart will mend

  12. #12
    Creepy-Snaps

    Default

    Very true about the maturity. Generally, healthier people of all types can express their emotions better.

    I'd say that "I love you" is most likely to be Fi, which ESFjs ignore. Can be other functions too, of course.

  13. #13

    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    South Korea
    TIM
    INTJ - intuitive sub
    Posts
    214
    Mentioned
    12 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I have a nice income! with a vehicle! with more friends than I can keep track of!

    @Mountain Dew: I'm fairly certain ethical types are more keen to pick up romantic suggestions than logical types but I do suppose Fi can express love best of all but that is not to say Fi cancels out Fe which is to say Fe ignore their feelings.

    Fi seems to pick on who loves who or who hates who.

  14. #14
    detail's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    483
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Put a mirror in front of him/her.

  15. #15
    Darn Socks Director Abbie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Southwest USA
    TIM
    LSE
    Posts
    6,728
    Mentioned
    237 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mountain Dew View Post
    I'd say that "I love you" is most likely to be Fi, which ESFjs ignore. Can be other functions too, of course.
    "I love you." is Fi.
    "I love you!" is Fe.

    ESTj
    1w2 sp/so 1-2-6
    Brilliand's Younger Sister
    Squishy's Older Sister

    Johari Nohari

    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

  16. #16
    Contrarian Traditionalist Krig the Viking's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Canada's Prairie Farmland
    TIM
    C-LII
    Posts
    2,647
    Mentioned
    7 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by chip View Post
    I'm certain ESFJ's love and I'm certain INTJ's love and I'm certain I've told a ESFJ that I've loved them or made it incredibly clear how I felt but unfortunately I have yet to meet an ESFJ who can say "I love you" - what's the deal?
    Saying the words "I love you" implies not just a passing emotional fervour, but a deeper, long-term commitment to the relationship*. ESFjs, being strong in Fi, are aware of the full implications of saying "I love you," and will have a tendency to refrain from saying it unless they feel prepared to follow through on that commitment. And since ESFjs have Vulnerable Ni, they tend not to have a very good idea of what the future may hold, and they may in some cases tend to delay saying the words even after they feel the sentiment, due to being unsure if the sentiment will last (unlike, say, an ENFj (Creative Ni), who feels confident about whether or not such sentiments will last, or an INTj (Demonstrative Ni), who may not be very sure how he feels, but will have a fairly confident opinion of how things are likely to unfold).

    So, to sum up, the reason no ESFjs have said "I love you," to you is likely that you have been unable to either
    a) inspire strong enough sentiments in an ESFj to make her want to commit to you long-term, or,
    b) convince an ESFj that your relationship is a sure thing that will last.




    *In terms of Robert Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love, the words "I love you" imply the presence of the "Commitment" component. In a romantic context, this would mean either Fatuous love or Consummate love, not just Infatuated love or Romantic love.
    Quaero Veritas.

  17. #17
    aka Slacker Slacker's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    North Korea
    TIM
    IEE
    Posts
    8,819
    Mentioned
    24 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I agree with krig.

    The most obvious reason someone wouldn't say they were in love is if they weren't in love.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

  18. #18

    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    TIM
    ESE-C [Enneagram-2]
    Posts
    265
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    What Krig said.

    Thanks for explaining it so well Krig.

  19. #19

    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    South Korea
    TIM
    INTJ - intuitive sub
    Posts
    214
    Mentioned
    12 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Let's try another approach. How do I get an ESFJ to admit they love me!!!! Honestly am I being denied or are they in denial? The question does not just arise sporatically.

  20. #20
    Contrarian Traditionalist Krig the Viking's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Canada's Prairie Farmland
    TIM
    C-LII
    Posts
    2,647
    Mentioned
    7 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by yellow82 View Post
    What Krig said.

    Thanks for explaining it so well Krig.
    Oh, good. I've passed the "resident ESFj agrees with my description of ESFjs" test.

    Quote Originally Posted by chip View Post
    Let's try another approach. How do I get an ESFJ to admit they love me!!!! Honestly am I being denied or are they in denial? The question does not just arise sporatically.
    We really need more context. Are you talking about one ESFj in particular, or is this a recurring problem? What was the situation exactly? What led you to believe the ESFj was in love with you, but not saying it? We've basically told you everything we can tell you without knowing more.
    Quaero Veritas.

  21. #21

    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    TIM
    ESE-C [Enneagram-2]
    Posts
    265
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Let's try another approach. How do I get an ESFJ to admit they love me!!!! Honestly am I being denied or are they in denial? The question does not just arise sporatically.
    They haven't said: "I love you" because obviously they don't love you. The meaning of: "I love you" for an ESE is that they want to spend the rest of their lives with you. They've completely and entirely committed to you the rest of their lives, they will not move on, they're completely stuck on you.

    We're loyal to those we love; (family, best friends the man/woman that we fall in love with.)

    But if it makes you feel any better, I have never told any of the men that I've had as potentials/boyfriends that I loved them. . . I've told them, "I have a crush on you" (when I was initiating a relationship) and I've said: "you're amazing and I don't think that I could live without you", but I've never said: "I love you" simply because for me, love means: commitment, passion, and similar interests. . . someone that I could marry, someone that I love with a passion, someone that my family and friends love, and someone that wants to be with me too.

    When I say "I love you" it's going to mean the whole world to me.

  22. #22
    Korpsy Knievel's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    4,234
    Mentioned
    33 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    And what do we make of the catty ESE given to sarcastically proclaiming love for others in order to be snide and condescending?

  23. #23
    Banned
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    TIM
    LSE
    Posts
    18,006
    Mentioned
    162 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by k0rpsey View Post
    And what do we make of the catty ESE given to sarcastically proclaiming love for others in order to be snide and condescending?
    Like in "I love you all" or something like that ?

  24. #24

    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    TIM
    ESE-C [Enneagram-2]
    Posts
    265
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I guess I should explain in further detail what I mean. . . one of my favorite quotes from the movie LOTR (actually most of my favorite quotes) is from Samwise Gamgi.

    He says: "I made a promise, Mr Frodo. A promise. "Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee." And I don't mean to. I don't mean to."

    As an ESE Samwise Gamgi displays a lot of the way I feel when I say: "I love you." For an ESE saying "I love you' is like promising your love to that person forever and always. . . and we don't mean to ever leave those that we love. Ever.

    As far as the snide sarcastic remarks are you referring to an ESE that says: "I love you too" with a sarcastic grin because you just said something completely unloving? Because I've done that before. But only with close friends that I actually do love. . . it's meant to be a nice way of saying: "you know, what you just said kind of hurt my feelings. . ."

    It's interesting, because I'm really curious to know how other ESE's feel about this subject. I'm sure that there are others that consistently and completely disagree with me, based on their (history/experience).

    Whatever ESE you're with has been deeply molded by their experiences. I think that's something that few people seem to fully realize when they're talking to an ESE. . . we have a tendency of basing all of our basic philosophy on what we "know" tangibly.

    Anyways, just a few random thoughts. Hope you can follow them. . . I'm not the best at thinking in a clear methodical way.

  25. #25
    Korpsy Knievel's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    4,234
    Mentioned
    33 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by yellow82 View Post
    As far as the snide sarcastic remarks are you referring to an ESE that says: "I love you too" with a sarcastic grin because you just said something completely unloving? Because I've done that before. But only with close friends that I actually do love. . . it's meant to be a nice way of saying: "you know, what you just said kind of hurt my feelings. . ."
    No, she's just being being catty and allowing her vanity to lead her to believe she's morally superior to her detractors. It's of a piece with her habit of lecturing others on their lacking religiosity, mere minutes after bragging about her oral sex technique/fixation.

  26. #26

    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    TIM
    ESE-C [Enneagram-2]
    Posts
    265
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    No, she's just being being catty and allowing her vanity to lead her to believe she's morally superior to her detractors. It's of a piece with her habit of lecturing others on their lacking religiosity, mere minutes after bragging about her oral sex technique/fixation.





    Sometimes my Identicals actions really bother me. . . . . . . . .

  27. #27
    aka Slacker Slacker's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    North Korea
    TIM
    IEE
    Posts
    8,819
    Mentioned
    24 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I really think if an ESE loves you, they will tell you. They aren't generally known for holding back emotional expressiveness. So maybe thE person isn't ESE, and/or maybe the person isn't in love with you.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

  28. #28
    Filambee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Brooklyn, NY
    TIM
    ENTp or ILE
    Posts
    116
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Krig the Viking View Post
    ESFjs, being strong in Fi, are aware of the full implications of saying "I love you,"[/SIZE]
    ESFjs' dominant function is actually Fe NOT Fi.

    To chip: I think that ESFjs may not say that they love you back because the ESFJ's sphere of influential people in her life do not love you. A you know, ESFjs have the strong Fe function. I think that a lot of people in this forum have a misconception of what exactly extroverted feeling is. It does NOT have to do with how well someone displays emotions. Fe is about Objective VALUES. A person with Fe will say that they like a painting not because it suits their subjective tastes, but because it was painted by a famous, beloved artist or because that is the polite and courteous thing to say at the moment according to societal expectations (C. Jung). Their values are based around the culture and community that they live in and the family and friends they surround themselves with. So how do you get an ESFj to love you? YOU have to be loved by everyone around her.

  29. #29
    Contrarian Traditionalist Krig the Viking's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Canada's Prairie Farmland
    TIM
    C-LII
    Posts
    2,647
    Mentioned
    7 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Filambee View Post
    ESFjs' dominant function is actually Fe NOT Fi.
    Er, yes, I'm aware of that. Fi is the ESFj's Ignoring function, which means it's strong but unvalued.

    Quote Originally Posted by Filambee View Post
    To chip: I think that ESFjs may not say that they love you back because the ESFJ's sphere of influential people in her life do not love you. A you know, ESFjs have the strong Fe function. I think that a lot of people in this forum have a misconception of what exactly extroverted feeling is. It does NOT have to do with how well someone displays emotions. Fe is about Objective VALUES. A person with Fe will say that they like a painting not because it suits their subjective tastes, but because it was painted by a famous, beloved artist or because that is the polite and courteous thing to say at the moment according to societal expectations (C. Jung). Their values are based around the culture and community that they live in and the family and friends they surround themselves with. So how do you get an ESFj to love you? YOU have to be loved by everyone around her.
    Fe is about internal dynamics of objects, i.e., "what's going on inside", commonly referred to as "emotions", "mood", etc. ESFjs respond to things based on how those things make them feel, what sort of emotional state those things trigger within them. They also try to take care of the emotional states of the people around them, which is why it can appear that their values are based on the culture around them -- they may conform to others' expectations as a way of improving their emotional state. But to think that an ESFj's values are based entirely upon the surrounding people and culture is a mistake. They value Ti, and are always trying to make their actions logically consistent. This is why the appreciate the input of INTjs, who are much better than they at making things logically consistent.
    Quaero Veritas.

  30. #30
    Filambee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Brooklyn, NY
    TIM
    ENTp or ILE
    Posts
    116
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Krig the Viking View Post
    Fe is about internal dynamics of objects, i.e., "what's going on inside", commonly referred to as "emotions", "mood", etc.
    Where did you get this from? You know, I was so confused about the exact definitions of fuctions before. The more that I read articles and forums searching for clarification, the more that I realized how varied the definitions were and how many did not line up with what I have personally witnessed.
    So I went deeper and back in time to the founder of both MBTI and Socionics - Carl Jung. Although Jung's writing in "Psychological Types" was hard at first to comprehend, I finally found what I was searching for - definitions that made sense!

    ESFJs value Ti because of Ti's ability to place greater significance on subjective logic regardless of objective values.

  31. #31
    2 EVIL I golden's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Several stories high
    TIM
    EIE prob 6
    Posts
    2,969
    Mentioned
    106 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    .
    Last edited by golden; 06-09-2011 at 09:19 AM.

  32. #32
    redbaron's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    9,321
    Mentioned
    16 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker View Post
    I really think if an ESE loves you, they will tell you. They aren't generally known for holding back emotional expressiveness. So maybe thE person isn't ESE, and/or maybe the person isn't in love with you.
    exactly.

    Plus think about how society has taught men in particular (older ones more than younger) to suppress that sort of emotional expressiveness. there's more at work than just type here. Also, there's the baggage that comes with saying it. Some people see it as too serious, almost pointing to a commitment of sorts, whereas others see it just as expression of feelings.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

  33. #33
    Creepy-Snaps

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by k0rpsey View Post
    And what do we make of the catty ESE given to sarcastically proclaiming love for others in order to be snide and condescending?
    Quote Originally Posted by Absurd View Post
    Like in "I love you all" or something like that ?
    Haha, at first I paranoidly thought you were referring to me and mylove thread.

    Even though I don't do it "in order to be snide and condescending"...

    And then I saw this:

    Quote Originally Posted by k0rpsey View Post
    No, she's just being being catty and allowing her vanity to lead her to believe she's morally superior to her detractors. It's of a piece with her habit of lecturing others on their lacking religiosity, mere minutes after bragging about her oral sex technique/fixation.
    So I knew it wasn't me.

    Quote Originally Posted by yellow82 View Post
    Sometimes my Identicals actions really bother me. . . . . . . . .
    Yeah.

    I only occasionally say 'I love you', if I really mean it. If I mass-proclaim my love, I make sure to do it in a joking, lighthearted manner.

  34. #34
    Banned
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    TIM
    LSE
    Posts
    18,006
    Mentioned
    162 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)

    Default

    Yea, that one MD.

  35. #35
    Haikus
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    MI
    TIM
    IEI-Ni
    Posts
    10,060
    Mentioned
    223 Post(s)
    Tagged
    2 Thread(s)

    Default

    ESFjs aren't very mushy. It's something that INFps are supervising them all the time about.

    In fact, both the INFps supervisor AND supervisee are quite anti-mush. (ENTj and ESFj)

    It's not that they don't care, it's just everybody loves in a different way I suppose. INFp love is more of a pure, thick raw love that writers have. ESFj love is more of a practical, hands-on thing.

    My ESFj mom is very sentimental and caring, I probably get my big heart from her- but I think she would laugh at my gay male poems and my declaration and fefe dobson songs. In that sort of distant 'you're silly way' like not understanding the raw essence of them like dolphin would, or something. lol. Unhappy IEIs also don't like that stuff.

  36. #36
    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    EII land
    TIM
    EII INFj
    Posts
    22,740
    Mentioned
    531 Post(s)
    Tagged
    6 Thread(s)

    Default

    Have really great sex with them.

  37. #37
    Haikus
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    MI
    TIM
    IEI-Ni
    Posts
    10,060
    Mentioned
    223 Post(s)
    Tagged
    2 Thread(s)

    Default

    LOL maritsa. I missed you. =)

  38. #38
    Creepy-Snaps

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa33 View Post
    Have really great sex with them.


    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    LOL maritsa. I missed you. =)



  39. #39
    Haikus
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    8,337
    Mentioned
    15 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Well I mean an IEI-Fe I know likes to say I love you and give hugs, where as I'm pretty chill about doing any of that.

  40. #40
    when you see the booty Galen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    everywhere at once
    Posts
    8,450
    Mentioned
    204 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Do you want an ESFj to say "I love you" or do you want an ESFj to love you?
    "And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." -Roald Dahl

    http://forum.socionix.com/
    It's pretty cool

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •